Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ IV
~ part I ~

(Taeyeon)

    She landed in my bed again yesterday. In the middle of the night, I felt something hard nudging my shoulder, and at first I just ignored it, but when it happened for the second time, I finally opened my eyes, alarmed, not knowing what it was. As I did so, I found myself looking at a screen, and I squinted at the glowing light coming from it. This time, Tiffany used an app I'd sometimes used at concerts and such. Before the black background, in neon pink it said, "Can I sleep here again?" There was a cute green pea drawn beside it, with a tiny, sad face. Now how could I have resisted that? Seriously. How???

    She tapped the side of her right hand against the top of her left and, in my comatose state, I didn't understand it at first but then I realized she was saying thank you. When she moved to snuggle up to me, my arm fell around her once again and this time, she did not tremble. But her body was tense and I only felt her relax completely against me a few minutes later, as her breathing became even.

    I couldn't say it was easy to fall asleep after that... and I'd be lying if I said I solely had innocent thoughts about her that night. With her being so close to me and invading all my senses... Well, let's just say it was hard to go through the night like that but, of course, I didn't regret for a second that she decided to come to me.

    I was now slowly inspecting every one of her beautiful features in her peaceful sleep, undisturbed, not having to steal secretive glances like when we watched the movie together, and I noticed more and more and felt more and more overwhelmed by her beauty as my eyes settled on different parts of her face.

    Her plump lips had kept me hypnotized for at least ten minutes before I could move on. I didn't have to wonder about its softness or taste. There was no way it could be anything but heavenly. But I couldn't help but wish that maybe, somehow, someday those soft and delicious lips would meet mine in a mind-blowing kiss, if only for once, even.

    I looked at her closed eyes and thought about what was hidden behind those curtains of beautiful eyelashes. How her gaze could hold so much sadness and misery at one moment and make me want to shelter her from all evil in this world, then turn into those mischievous, gloriously cheerful crescents that gave me a thrill so great, it was as if she was radiating every ounce of happiness to shine on me through those orbs.

    Then there was her nose. I liked her nose. I liked it when she scrunched it up as the first sip of coffee touched her tongue and I liked it when it turned a little red at my compliment. I liked how it curved and how it perfectly fulfilled the cuteness of Tiffany's face by being in the center of it.

    Her eyebrows were similarly attractive to me as everything else on this girl. That means very, very attractive. It was a little like one of those heavy and dark drapes in a spacious, light room; it made her cute and soft features more serious and more mysterious as she pulled them into a frown or lifted them in question. Even as they were now: relaxed, even - they made her more of the Tiffany she was. Complex and intricate.

    If flesh could be covered in porcelain powder, I'm sure it would look much like Tiffany's skin, except her porcelain skin had flaws here or there. A little blemish here, a scar from some cut there, wrinkles from the pillow and even a little drool coming from the corner of . She was perfect.

    My heart swelled.

    Her scent was something I could not get used to; it filled me with a warmth and comfort that made me feel like melting into one with the soft covers of the pearl white sheets around her body. But at the same time it made my mind all tangled up with crazy thoughts and feelings and left my body craving and wanting more. Just more of her.

    Nobody. No-one ever made me feel this way before. Not even Eunmi.

    I couldn't decide when I felt like going crazy more: when she was near me, beside me, or when she wasn't.

    I sighed as I carved into my brain for the hundredth time just that morning that no matter how bad I had it, no matter what excuse or reasoning, I just couldn't have her. She was a very beautiful but unfortunately very straight and very, very vulnerable person. She did not need more people in her life demanding a piece of her when it was obvious she wouldn't want to share it. And even if she would, there was no way it could be with me.

    The whole thing was as screwed up as it could get and I knew it full well... but I still couldn't get my heart to stop feeling this way for her. It felt about as useless as if I told my lungs to stop breathing. It could work for a few seconds if I concentrated hard enough but it was heavy and suffocating so it'd never really last long.

    I finally decided to get out of bed and go downstairs when she made a sudden move, and I thought I was going to get caught red handed staring at her in her sleep. I wouldn't have wanted that.

    After my usual first road to the bathroom, I went to check on some of my messages.

    Yesterday, I sent a message to Sunny and Sooyoung warning them to behave when I introduced Tiffany to them. Since they knew about my... preference, as soon as I told them I'd bring a new friend over, they immediately started teasing, of course. I didn't want them to insinuate anything in front of Tiffany. Yoona didn't yet know about it either. It's not that I didn't trust her but... she was such a nice girl. I knew she looked up to me so I didn't want to make her regret it. 'It doesn't matter anyway. I have Jinmoon oppa,' I thought sarcastically.

    Oh, yeah. I'll need to talk to him about Tiffany too. So far, I'd only told him about this friend that is staying over for a while but not much else. From his texts, I got the feeling that he suspected something as well though.

    I sighed. And sat down at the kitchen table replying to some of the messages.

>>Jinmoon oppa

08:21

Good morning sleepyhead~ ^^

Dress warmly today, okay? They said it was going to be cold.

Is your friend enjoying her stay so far?<<

    I sent him a reply.

>>OK oppa, I'll make sure to wear 6 layers. keke

She's still a bit shy but I think she likes it here.<<

    I then sent a response to Yoona about when exactly we're meeting today. Oppa replied too meanwhile.

>>Jinmoon oppa

09:34

Haha, two thick layers will be fine, too! ><

Have you talked about how long she's staying yet?

And I'm dropping in to Seoul on Tuesday. Dinner maybe? ^^<<

    'Yes. He's definitely suspicious of this.'

>>I told you she needs a place to stay for a while. We'll see how long.

I think dinner will be fine on Tuesday but I can't stay out too long.<<

    I kept on messaging back and forth with everyone before I heard some rustles and shuffles from upstairs. A minute later, Tiffany walked down the stairs. We hadn't bought her pajamas yet and seeing my clothes on her was still making me nervous inside. Plus, she looked like a tipsy little puppy. Well, that's how I'd imagine it if puppies drank, that is.

    She smiled at me sleepily, eyes squinting from all the light coming through the window, even though the blinds were fully covering the glass.

    She swept her right hand across her left arm, then formed two fists with her hands and made notions like nodding with them while a cute smile played on her lips. 'I take it back. She doesn't look like a puppy. She looks like a cat. Ah! A puppy crossed with a cat! Oh. My. God.'

    Finally, I reacted to her greeting and said, "Hi," while doing the same arm-sweeping and fist-nodding motion. 'Sign language might not even be that hard after all.'

"Did you have a good sleep?" I asked as she sat down opposite me. She swayed her head left and right as if saying, 'so-so.' I raised an eyebrow at her. She looked around, searching, then her expression changed as if she just realized something. She pointed upstairs and I now remembered we left my iPad by the bed. "Oh."

    While she ran upstairs, I finished and sent my incomplete message and as she came back, she was already typing busily, not even watching her steps. She sat down again and turned the screen to me. >>I slept comfortably, especially since my head is okay now, but I woke up a few times... I was wondering if maybe we could go to the worship today?<< After I read it and looked back at her, she pointed towards the window. There was a church right in front of our building.

    I hesitated for a moment. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea for me to go there. I mean, I didn't think I'm a bad person... but since I'm not really religious, plus, given my preference... 'Ah, this girl is really so out of reach. First time she's asking directly for something and it's to go to church... Straight, Taeyeon. Straight.'

    I finally nodded, though a little unsure.

    She probably noticed this because her expression became one of concern. >>Unless you're against going to church. I could just go alone.<<

    I shook my head at that. "No, I don't want you to go alone. And I'm not against it," I said.

>>But you're not a Christian, right?<<

"Yeah. Not really."

>>You're not religious?<<

"Uhh... "

>>Buddhist?<<

"I don't... it's not really like that. I'm not sure," I replied. Surely, there must have been someone greater than us out there but whether I thought he should be worshiped in churches and temples and other institutes was another question. To me, it was something personal and I still had so much to figure out about it.

    Tiffany didn't seem to be disappointed with me, even though I would have expected that, sort of. Rather, her look was curious and examining as if trying to make out what exactly I meant by that. I myself wasn't really sure what it meant though either, so I didn't know what more to say about this.

"Anyway, we should get breakfast then. I think service starts at eleven," I stood up to open the fridge. "At least, I've seen a lot of people flooding in around eleven on Sundays before."

    So we had breakfast, got ready and left for the church a little before eleven.

    Luckily, turns out I did have a nice, compact sized Bible somewhere that I think one of my aunts gifted me before.

    As we arrived in front of the church, Tiffany was ready to walk in but as we took those steps up the stairs leading to the front door, I suddenly felt paralyzed. I was flooded with anxiousness, and I couldn't really explain why. I've been to a church before. I've been to services before. But it's been a very long time since I last went, and a lot of things had happened since then. I didn't feel impure or like a sinner for being who I was. However, I did feel guilty and I did feel uncomfortable stepping into a place that was holy for so many like this.

    Tiffany looked back at me as she was about to walk in, seeing that I was rooted to my spot in the middle of the stairway. I stared down at my shoes and thought, 'It's okay, it's all fine. You can do this. Just walk inside.' I blew out some air, trying to get rid of that clutching feeling in my stomach.

    I felt a pull on the hem of my sweater, and it made me look up. Tiffany stood right in front of me. She was very close and the unpleasant clutching sensation was now paired with the usual tingling as she stared straight into my eyes with a concern-filled gaze.

    She slowly let go of the bottom of my sweater.

'Are you okay?' she asked, tapping her mask covered chin with her pinky, brows pulled together. 'Those beautiful eyebrows... '

"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine," I replied but it was more to convince myself than to convince her. "We can go," I finally breathed out, but Tiffany still took worried glances at me as we walked inside the building.

    We took off our shoes outside, and Tiffany's expression suddenly changed from concerned and worried to amused. I could easily tell just from seeing her eyes form that crescent shape that I found so stunningly beautiful. 'Hey. Wait. Is she laughing at me?' I followed her gaze and looked down at my feet. And now I knew what she was laughing at. I had my SpongeBob socks on and apparently, that was probably not the best choice to go with when you went to church.

    I just shook my head, feeling a little lighter, and grinning as we headed in, happy to see Tiffany like this.

    We took a seat at one of the back rows.

    The service began soon and after a few songs from the choir the pastor began to preach about the importance of sharing. It wasn't as bad as I thought, being there, I mean. But, while Tiffany looked very focused, I was more aware of how cold the floor was and how I felt my toes freezing one by one as we sat there longer and longer. I started moving my feet and wiggling my toes to warm them up and suddenly, I felt a push on my shoulder. I looked to the side, and Tiffany was just putting down the book she nudged me with and I could see she was just about to burst out in laughter. She pointed at my still unconsciously wiggling toes. Now that I looked at it, it seemed like I was making Mr SpongeBob dance. Now I too was struggling to keep back my laughter but when the pastor finally mentioned something about Jesus's feet, we both couldn't take it any longer and just burst out in a silent laughter, and while Tiffany's face was at least covered by the mask, I had to pick up the book of psalms to cover my face with it. Tears were already flowing out of my eyes I laughed so much at Tiffany's struggles to not clap along with her laughter and at my own ridiculous situation.

"Aigoo these kids... " I heard the granny sitting next to Tiffany grumble. We then tried to calm down but we couldn't help but crack up just a little every once in a while.

    Soon after we calmed down, the singing started. At first, I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't really know if it was right for me to join in.

    I glanced at Tiffany nervously and I could see longing in her eyes as she gazed at the screen that was hanging above the choir, displaying the scores and the lyrics. She looked like a child that really wanted to climb a tree but just couldn't.

"Tiffany," I said into her ear, "do you want me to sing it for you?" Since she herself couldn't, I thought that was the least I could do for her. She gulped. Then she nodded timidly, directing her gaze at me as I now turned my eyes at the screen and started following the melody and words. She just looked at me like that for a while, before I saw her eyes turn slowly into an arch again from the corner of my own. She turned back to look at the screen, smiling contentedly.

*

    When the service was over, I was ready to leave with the crowds of people but Tiffany said she wanted us to stay for a little longer. She said she wanted to talk to the pastor.

    So after everyone left, I found myself standing anxiously in front of the pastor's office with Tiffany. She knocked on the door. And it opened soon too.

"Yes?" the pastor said with a smile. "Hello. Step in for a moment," he invited us in.

    I said thanks and we entered into the office. Luckily, my shoes were back on my feet already so I didn't have to worry about him seeing my funny socks.

"My name is Kim Taeyeon," I introduced myself, bowing low with Tiffany in row. "Nice to meet you."

    The pastor bowed back with a smile.

"And your friend is?" he turned to Tiffany.

"Oh, I'm sorry. She... she can't talk. Her name is Tiffany," I wanted to say her family name too but I just realized I didn't know what it was. Somehow, it just never turned up in a conversation before. I felt so stupid now. "I think she would like to ask you something, moksanim." Tiffany nodded at that and started typing away on the iPad.

"Oh, sure. Would either of you like a tea?"

"Uhh, no, I'm fine, thank you," I said before he could hand me a cup.

    I saw Tiffany typing away busily. The pastor decided to talk to me meanwhile.

"So are you new in the community?" he asked.

    Once again, my anxiousness emerged. "Umm... we... I... I'm not... " I didn't know how to say this without being offensive or rude to the pastor.

"You're not Christian?" he asked with a kind smile curving his lips upwards.

    I felt a weight drop down from my shoulders. He didn't seem to mind much. "No," I replied, averting my gaze a little.

"So you came here to accompany your friend?" he asked.

    And I nodded, saying "Yes."

"Well," he patted my shoulder in a friendly manner then and said, "you must be a really good friend then."

    I didn't know what to say to that but I saw that Tiffany finished writing on her iPad, and the pastor probably caught me glancing in her direction because he now turned to her too, and took the device to read whatever Tiffany had written. Tiffany looked nervous as the man read on.

    When he was finished reading, he sighed and said, "I can see that you are a good person, Tiffany-ssi. Listen to your conscience well because it tells you the right thing to do. Trust in God and He will no doubt shelter you and protect you if need be." I didn't know what Tiffany asked the pastor but this last sentence was something I was not so sure about. 'If God was there to protect her then where was he when her family died? Where was he when she was abused by her own uncle and aunt and other people for years? Maybe God works in mysterious ways but what did Tiffany ever do to deserve such suffering?'

    Tiffany wrote something else and the pastor frowned a bit as he was reading the words now. He sighed heavily before saying, "'And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.' If you keep on following the right path, eventually you'll reach the place where you're supposed to be. The little... paradise of your own, if you will," he smiled. "But if you ever go astray and step on the wrong lane, it's too easy to get lost. Like in a labyrinth. It will be hard to find your way back to God's road." He gave another sigh before continuing. "The easiest thing to do is not always the best thing to do, right? But if you have Jesus in your heart and God by your side, you can be sure that your reward will unfold eventually."

    Tiffany nodded her head along with his words and gave a smile when he finished talking.

"Is that all, girls?"

    Tiffany nodded and bowed as a sign of thankfulness. I did so too, saying thanks as well, and we turned to leave the room.

"I hope I can see both of you here soon. And if you need any help, you can always come here for advice," the pastor said finally and bid his own farewell to us.

    As we left the building, I immediately felt my heart become lighter.

"Oh-kay now, let's go get some food, alright?" I said to Tiffany but I saw she was still deep in thought. "Fany-ah, you okay?"

    She looked up at me with raised brows then her eyes formed those crescents that were becoming a more and more familiar sight now. And they were still just as beautiful as the first one. She typed. >>Fany? >///< << 'Is that a blushing face? Is it???' "Uhh, yeah, I didn't notice I just said that. But it's shorter and easier to say, so I might just go with that from now on," I shrugged. 'THAT BLUSHING FACE. WHY.' Tiffany's smile must have widened because her eyes were seriously just two dark curves of beautiful eyelashes now. She did a thumbs up. "You like it? Okay then, Fany," I emphasized the nickname. "So should we go get some street food, Fany?" She nodded eagerly at that. "It does sound cute. Fany Fany Tiffany." 'Oh,' my eyes widened a bit at my own stupidity. 'Didn't mean to say that out loud... Oh well, she laughed at it, so it's all okay.' "What's your family name by the way?" >>Hwang.<< "Hmm." 'Hwang Tiffany... Tiffany Hwang... What a beautiful name. Unique too. I don't think I know any other Hwangs... well, or Tiffanys for that matter.'

    We walked to a busier street with more shops and several street vendors. As soon as we arrived to a more crowded area, Tiffany immediately clutched onto my sweater just like she did yesterday, and whenever she accidentally touched me though the clothes, I almost shivered from the feeling - also just like yesterday. We ended up getting some chicken skewers, some honey hotteok and we even managed to get some fries with ketchup. Obviously, Tiffany couldn't eat it right there and then, since she wasn't going to take the mask off in public, so we hurried home as soon as we collected the food.

"Fany-ah," I started as I chewed on my last bites of hotteok. It was a little hard already since it's best when it's still fresh but I didn't want to start eating it when I knew Tiffany still couldn't. She looked up at me. "Can I ask you something?"

    She nodded with a pout and a little frown. 'Ahh. Puppy Hwang is back.' "Uhh... umm." 'Those little dimples on her chin... her wet lips... aissssh... Come on! Focus now!' "If it's not too personal, can you tell me what you asked from the pastor earlier?"

    Tiffany was slow to type. >>Oh. That. I'm going with you to return the tablet to that ahjussi.<<

"What?!" 'Is this the same Tiffany I got to know just a day and a half ago? Is she really telling me now what we're going to do?' I was stunned at this sudden statement. It would have been a great development otherwise, but— "You can't. It's too dangerous. We don't want him to know it was you."

>>I know it's risky but I have to face him. It's fine if you're not willing to take part in it though. I understand. I can do it alone. But I just have to do it.<<

    I didn't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I immensely admired her conscientiousness and bravery but on the other, I didn't think this was the safest thing to do and was worried for her. I was ready to protest but just seeing these few determined sentences from her, I could tell that she already had her mind set on it. I didn't want to argue. So in the end, I just sighed, relenting. "Okay, then we're doing it together." 'But if he even just so much as mentions contacting a police officer, we're definitely getting out of there.' I knew Tiffany wanted to bear the consequences but if it involved putting herself into such danger, it was not worth it. "So that's what you asked him about?" I then remembered my earlier question.

    She nodded. It did make sense that she was looking for guidance about this. But, at the same time, I wondered how it was possible that she still believed in God and his goodness when she's gone through so many horrible things in her life. It all seemed so contradictory to me.

"Can I ask you... another thing?" I fiddled with the paper bag my remaining hotteok sat in.

    I received a nod as a response again.

"How come you still have such a strong faith after everything that happened to you?"

    Tiffany thought for a few moments before she started writing. >>If I didn't, I wouldn't be here today. For a long time, I had nothing else but my faith in God to give me at least a tiny ray of hope that things would somehow get better. If it wasn't for my trust in Him, I wouldn't have escaped. Actually, if it wasn't for Him, I probably would've killed myself way sooner than to have the chance to run away.<< I just hated it. I hated it so much. To hear things like this from her. Just the possibility... just thinking about her even considering suicide felt like a stab in the heart. >>So, in one way or another, He did save me in the end, didn't He?<<

    I now remembered a time when everything seemed to be so dark and so suffocating in my life that I also considered just finishing it off... taking it away. That was back in the last year of high school but luckily, I didn't go through with it. I had people to hold on to. She only had her faith. I can't even say how ridiculous it was now in hindsight that I seriously considered that back then. Compared to her life, mine was basically sunshine and rainbows.

>>And, you know... I'm pretty sure that He was also the one who sent you to me. ^^<<

"Ah," I felt my insides churn. "I don't know about that." I chuckled. "If he had a hand in this, then he probably mixed up the names or something... I advise you file in a customer complaint before it's too late," I grinned.

    I could see her from the corner of my eyes shaking her head and smiling to herself.

    When I looked up at the screen again, I saw she wrote something else too. >>Also, my Korean and Hangul improved a lot from reading the Bible.<< 'Oh. So she probably wasn't that good when she came here.'

"Hmm. Do you know any Hanja?"

    Her brows creased. >>Those Chinese looking characters?<<

    I nodded and she shook her head no. And in this moment, it finally started to make more sense to me how she didn't know about such basic things about our culture at times. She barely had any contact with the outside world ever since she's been here. I doubt she'd had much time to learn about these things and I'm guessing she wasn't really exposed to it back in the US.

"Maybe I could teach you a few later, if you want. Some of them are pretty useful." Tiffany nodded with a smile. "Although... to be honest, I can't remember half of what I've learned back in school but still... I remember the important ones," I grinned. "Oh, by the way, when you're finished eating, we could have a look at the next sign language lesson, don't you think?"

    She looked at her leftovers with a little disappointment. >>I'm sorry but I don't think I can eat more for now. It's a little too much all at once.<<

"Oh, okay then. Wanna get started now?"

    Tiffany nodded with a wide smile.

    'I should also start looking for some lessons on how to control my heartbeat when she smiles at me like that.'

***

Yayy!! Update after a month! *wish I could've sooner thoughㅠㅠ* Anyway, so like I said before. Two parts. I swear this chapter is freakishly long (like 39 pgs or sth), no-one would have the patience to read it in one sitting, plus it's a pain in the to edit all at once, so yeah, 2nd pt coming on the 8th or 9th. ^^

And for all the commenters and upvoters:  Thank youuu~ ♥

PS: "First time she's asking directly for something and it's to go to church... " I hope some of you guys noticed that TY is totally wrong about that. There were actually two things already that Tiffany's asked for before this. I wonder if you remember what they were.