June 2006

His eyes were brown and playful.

More playful, than they were brown.

“Is he a new transfer student?” Jongin always had the bad habit of asking too much. From the day they first met, till now, always, talking about things he was not supposed to.

“How should I know? Go ask him yourself.” Despite shrugging, I must have looked. Because I clearly remember; his eyes were more playful, than they were brown.

“Hey! Transfer hyung!”

“Yes?” A head snapped up at Jongin.

“You’re the new transfer student, right? We saw you this morning.”

“Oh, yeah, nice to meet you, I’m Luhan, from 3-A.” It was back in middle school, the time we first met.

“I’m Kim Jongin and this is Oh Se-”

“Yah! Don’t go announcing my name to strangers!”

“This, here,” Jongin never quite shut him mouth. “Is Oh Sehun. He’s kind of a brat, so don’t mind him.”

Hyung had laughed at that.

Sometimes, when I feel particularly down, I imagine hyung laughing at me. It usually makes me feel better, but, sometimes, I end up in a worst shape than before, with red eyes and a soaked face.

“So, it’s Kim Jongin and a brat. Ok… I’ll make you my first friends in Seoul.”

“We’re just first years, though…  Don’t you mind hanging out with first years?”

“Hehe, this brat is so shy!”

“I’m not!”

“Don’t worry, brat, I don’t mind.” Another smile, right then.

“Did you hear that, Sehun-ah? I told you he would be nice!”

“Actually, there’s this saying, that, the first friends you make, are the best ones.” Maybe this saying was wrong after all.

“That’s stupid. Why would the first ones be the best?”  

“Because they noticed you, before anyone else did.” He always believed this.

 So innocently, foolishly, he thought the first friends were the best ones.

But they weren’t.

I wasn’t.

 “So what?”

“If you noticed me first, it means you have good eyes, brat.”

If I hadn’t seen his eyes, that day, I wouldn’t have followed Jongin to meet him.  We would have never been friends. And I would have never turned into such a despicable person.

What use is it to have good eyes and a bad heart?

March 2013

Different voices call my name. It feels a bit like someone is digging holes in my skull.

“Hun-ah! Yah!”

“Wake up! …He’s not opening his eyes, hyung.”

“Oh Sehun!”

My eyes open slowly to meet a purple led light dancing around a dark room.

Someone in pulling me up to sit, but I shrug him off.

“I’m okay.” , my voice sounds gruff.

That martial arts’ psycho got me well, cause the fingers that I raised to my forehead are bloody now.

There’s something wet running down my face.

And then the facts start sinking in.

He’s standing in front of me, between Suho and Kris.

His eyes are still the most striking thing about him.

They’re no longer playful.

It’s hateful and disgusting, but the first thing I feel, looking at him, is happiness.

Like a wave; it washes over me, leaving nothing but blissful memories.

There were innocent times for me too.

Times that are gone now. Because his eyes are no longer playful.

“You broke another one, Tao-yah…” A guy with puffy cheeks mutters and I snap back to reality.

“I’m okay.” I repeat and maybe I’m saying it to myself as well.

Suho is trying to help me and it seems like the Head of ‘M’ is scolding the psycho.

"I could have taken care of it alone, you-”I can hear him hissing.

“But he called Duizhang-”

“-always so emotional!”

 “I didn’t even hit that hard, if he wasn’t-”

“You could have just-”

A pale hand slowly extends towards me.

Thin, long, empty fingers.

Not that I expected him to be still wearing it…

“What are you doing here?” No trace of hatred in his voice.

Hyung has this weak, questioning expression.

Like he actually expects me to explain.

Like he is in fact… even now…about me…

This is so ed up.  

So ed up, it makes no sense anymore.

I crawl backwards, to escape from him and force my eyes on Suho.

“C-Can we go now, Leader?” I’m even stuttering. “You declared war. S-So can we go?”

“Are you sure? Can you walk?” Suho’s tone is full of worry.

Instead of an answer, I put a hand on the wall and push myself up.

When did my legs start shaking so badly?

Aish. This is too hard.

I sense my feet giving in and I close my eyes tight, waiting for the impact.

But then someone is holding me in his arms. He’s clutching my clothes, keeping me steady against him and it feels familiar.

It feels so good.

My eyes fly open, as I jump back and collide with the wall.

Hyung is shocked.

Hyung…

I wish I could just stop everything for a moment and just stare at him.

But that’s ridiculous.

I can’t think like that.

No way. No way.

“Can we go? Leader…” It’s reached the point where I’m begging.

“Right. Yes, okay.” Leader finally agrees.

“You’ve hurt my guys one too many times. Next time, we’ll be doing the damage.” He turns to the Head of ‘M’.

“If you’re up for it, come to our territory at the end of the month.” Kris nods back solemnly at this.

Suho forces me to hold onto his shoulder and drags me to the door.

“Let’s go, Baekhyun.” He says to Baekhyun who’s still towering over Chen.

Thankfully, our spy complies quickly.

Meanwhile, the members of ‘M’ talking animatedly in the karaoke room.

Before we leave the room, I hear their Head’s voice, louder than the rest.

“Do you know that guy, Luhan?”

The rest becomes just noise. Since I can’t bear to hear hyung’s answer right now.

I rest my head on the crook of the leader’s neck and loosen up, while we’re getting out of the club.

“Was the blow so hard? You look like a dead man.” I can feel Baekhyun walking next to me, but don’t bother to glance at him.

“I’m just dizzy. off, Baekhyun.”

“I told you to be more polite-”

“Just drop it, Baekhyun-ah… For tonight.” Leader grumbles and I can sense him sigh.

The light of the street lamps stop looking blurry about the time we’ve reached our neighborhood. And I’m being dragged up the stairs, without any effort from my part.

I let go of Suho when we enter the rooftop.

“Hey! What happened to Hun?” It’s Kyungsoo.

Always worried.

“Don’t go to bed all bloody like this!” The short guy comes after me, his steps ringing in my ears.

“I’ll wash in the morning.”

“Why is Hun-” I push the door of the bedroom, but it doesn’t close properly.

“Come here.” Kyugnsoo barges in and his hand is on my forehead before the next curse leaves my mouth.

“, Kyungsoo!”

“You’re burning up.” He announces. “Junmyun hyung, shouldn’t we take him to the hospital?”

My face scrunches up.

Now’s not the time for this.

“I just need to sleep.” And be alone, I want to add.

“Let’s watch over him for tonight and see how it goes.” Suho makes me lie down and starts rubbing my head with some wet towel.

“It hurts. Damn it, Suho!”

Instead of an answer, he stuffs a couple of painkillers in my mouth.

“What’s up with you tonight?” Leader glares.

“I just don’t like you babysitting me. And stop scratching my head with that towel. There’s no blood left, you’re just peeling my skin off. Aish!” I huff.

“I mean what happened to you back there, Hun-ah? You could have dodged that blow.”

Of course that’s what he means.

“I wasn’t paying attention.” I confess and maybe it’s the truth. For once.

“Because those two guys came in?”

I lower my head.

Because hyung came in.

Hyung, whom I hadn’t seen for more than three years, opened a door and just like that, came back in my life.

Or maybe I was the one trespassing.

Did I become an intruder in hyung’s new life?

“Do you think those two people were part of ‘M’?” I end up asking.

Suho hesitates. “I think so.”

So hyung is part of a gang? How is that possible?

Hyung who said that I couldn’t be a bully, hyung who slapped me for hanging around bad people and made me promise I wouldn’t do it again…“Hyung can’t be in ‘M’…”

“What did you just say, Hun-ah?” Oh .

“N-nothing.”

“Hyung? Do you know one of these guys?” Junmyun asks, even though we’ve decided not to talk about ‘before’.

“No!”

“Is it the blonde one, who caught you when you were falling?” Damn him and his eagle-eyes.

“I already told you-” I have nothing to do with him anymore!

“This pretty guy. What was his name again..?”

“Can’t you shut up?” I hiss.

“Ah! Right.” Suho lights up like an idiot. “Luhan!”

I hear the sound of a door opening and feel my blood freezing in my veins.

“Luhan?”

I look up, straight into Jongin’s shocked face.

“Luhan hyung?!” My old friend repeats; louder this time.

Well, I suppose he would find out eventually. Better now, than during the row.

I shouldn’t freak out so much.

“Does Jongin know him too?” Suho stares at both of us.

“I met Luhan hyung. He’s with ‘M’.”  I might as well explain.

“What the are you talking about, Hun-ah? Luhan hyung hated fighting. And he is- he’s…”

“He was.” I correct.

He was gone. Gone back to Shanghai. To meet his parents. And live well.

He should have been living well.

After forgetting about me and my messed up life, he should be happy.

I hoped that. Clinging onto the idea to keep from drowning.

 “Did you talk to him?” Before anything else, Jongin seems scared.

 “I have nothing to say.”

“Then did Luhan hyung talk to you?” He is scared.

 “Why would he do that?” I scoff and my head starts aching again.

“Well, it’s been three years since-”

I jump out of the bed at his words.

“Shut up. That’s enough!” I scowl. “Can you just keep out of it, for once in your life?” , it hurts. My head hurts so bad.

“Sit down, Sehun. You’re going to collapse again.” Surprisingly, Suho’s voice relaxes me a bit.

I back down on the mattress. “I’m only telling you so that you are prepared, Jongin.”

“Then are you prepared?” Jongin retorts.

“It’s none of your business!”

“Jongin, get out. Whatever it is, you can solve it when Hun is feeling better.”

One day, maybe I should thank the leader.

Jongin gives me one last, frightened look before going.

I don’t really get it.

Is he really worried? About hyung? About me?

That’s stupid. I expected him to be angry, or even apathetic, but not scared.

I shut my eyes, relieved. “I’m gonna sleep now. Just go with the others, Junmyun.”

“Do you need a blanket?” He asks.

“I’m not cold.” I mumble through my headache.

Thankfully, the pills start working soon and I’m falling asleep.

“Don’t you need a blanket?” Later in the night, a weak voice reaches my ears.

Without waking up, I shake my head on the pillow.

A warm feeling spreads on my cheek. “You face is cold though.”

Hm… Perhaps I am cold.

It’s strangely nice to have someone check your temperature.

“Here. When you’re sick you need to be warm.”

Something soft wraps around me and I hum in pleasure. It’s just so nice like this that I can’t keep a small smile from my face.

“Stop smothering me, Leader. You’re not my mother.” I try to sound mad, but it fails.  

“Where is your mother then? Why isn’t she here to take care of you?”

“I’ve already told you, she died.”

I hear him whimper at my words. It’s almost like a cry.

“Go to sleep, Suho. I’m okay now.” He doesn’t have to feel sorry for me.

I’m not a person to be pitied.

“Yah! How can you call your hyung, by his first name, brat?”

When my eyes snap open, I come across deep brown orbs.

I’m still lying on my bed, as I expected.

But I’m staring up at a beautiful face. And a pair of warm brown eyes is staring back at me.

“Did I startle you? It's just  a dream, brat. Keep sleeping.” Hyung’s palm caresses my face and I shudder, but it’s not because I’m cold.

I just feel him so close, I see him so clearly that something leaves my chest. Something opens up and I’m bare against him.

And this is obviously a dream.

The painkillers are messing with my head.

Cause hyung would never look at me with eyes that are warm.

A/N: Like... No clue what I'm writing anymore. XD

Ask if you have questions! I'd really love to hear your voices, subbies!