Just My Size - Chapter 17
Han Ji-Eun

“Do you want me to leave? You seem really uncomfortable, and I never want to make you feel that way.” Jinki’s eyes were full of sympathy for one, but also great sadness.

“N-No!” I held up my hands palms-out. “I don’t want you to leave, no.” I shook my head. “B-But… I suppose I am… uncomfortable.” I let out a big sigh. “I just-”

“I have no intention of pressuring you into anything you’re not ready for,” Jinki blurted out suddenly. He took my hands in his and gazed into my eyes. “Hell, I don’t even know if I’m ready for anything like that yet.” He raised his eyebrows and gave me a sympathetic smile. “I mean, sure, I can imagine things, but actually doing anything in real life is… daunting.” His eyes wandered to his feet, and I squeezed his hands gently.

“Honestly, that’s a relief to hear,” I whispered, and we shared a nervous smile. I then took a deep breath in and blurted, “Though I gotta tell ya, if they’d left us alone like this the other night - when we were on the couch - it might have been a different story.”

Jinki’s brows shot up and his eyes widened. “Oh, really?” A devilish grin made its way onto his face, while a bright red blush appeared on mine. Had I really just admitted that aloud?!

“M-Maybe,” I cleverly stuttered as I looked anywhere but Jinki’s face. “Th-the m-mood was just… right that night, ya know?”

Jinki chuckled under his breath. “Yeah, I hear ya.”

“Tonight feels… off, somehow.” I sighed. 

Jinki nodded in agreement. “We’re both apprehensive of being apart for a month, so that kinda puts a damper on things.”

“Very true.” I nodded this time. “But I was hoping this would go a lot smoother…”

“Eh, I’ve stopped expecting things to go smoothly,” he giggled as he wound an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me lightly. I laughed a little as well, and felt myself starting to relax.

“Hey, do you wanna maybe watch a movie or something?” Jinki suggested.

“Cuddling up with a movie sounds excellent,” I replied.

And that’s just what we did. We headed downstairs, hand-in-hand, picked a random Disney movie, and curled up on the couch together.

Not a half-hour into the film, my mom and sister came home. They were in the middle of a discussion as they came in the door, and for once, my mom sounded annoyed.

“...Plus, most of the things you wanted wouldn’t still be good by the time you girls return - I don’t know what you were thinking, Ha-Eun.” My mom huffed as she carried a couple of grocery bags into the kitchen.

“Sorry, Mom,” my sister called as she paused in the doorway of the living room. She had a single plastic bag in her hands, and she looked embarrassed. Ha-Eun then turned toward us and whispered, “Sorry Ji-Eunnie. I tried to buy you as much time as I could.”

“It’s OK, thank you,” I replied, and Jinki nodded and smiled at her. Ha-Eun returned the smile, then set off down the hall.

Once all the groceries were put away, my mom appeared in the doorway this time.

“I hate to be ‘that mom,’ but Jinki needs to go home.” She looked pointedly at the two of us with an expression I’d never seen before - was it annoyance? Distrust? I didn’t know, but I didn’t like it.

“But Mom-” I started, but she cut me off.

“I’m sure you still have packing to do, and it’s getting late.” My mom then focused her attention on my boyfriend. “Jinki, thank you for keeping my daughter company. Tell your mom I say ‘hi.’”

“Will do, Ms. Park,” Jinki replied as he stood. “Thank you for having me over.” He bowed politely, and my mom smiled a bit, looking more like her usual self.

I stood too, and walked Jinki to the entryway. My mom then took a seat on the living room couch, giving Jinki and I a chance to say a private goodbye.

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” I whispered as we moved to embrace each other at the same time.

“I miss you already,” Jinki murmured into my hair, then kissed the top of my head.

I couldn’t help it - the tears started spilling over once again. I both heard and felt Jinki crying, too, and that just made me bawl even harder.

I have no idea how long we stood there like that, just holding onto each other and sobbing our eyes out, but eventually we did calm down a bit. I lifted my head, and Jinki met my eyes. He wiped away the tear trails on my cheeks, and I did the same for him. We shared a smile, then a sweet kiss.

“I’ll call you every night,” I promised. “I’ll even call you as soon as we land.”

“Yes, please do.” Jinki nodded and sniffed. “Send me lots of pictures, too!” He smiled and my heart melted.

A few more tears leaked out, but I managed to return the sweet smile (at least, I hoped I did). “Of course.” I nodded. “Ugh, I just love you so much!” I squeezed him tightly, and he did the same.

“I love you, too, my dearest Ji-Eun.” Jinki sounded like he was going to cry again. I knew that if he did, I would too, and that would just start this messy, snotty cycle all over again. Even though it was hard, I resolved to see him off.

“Be safe and take care, dear Jinki,” I whispered against his lips as I kissed him one last time.

“Safe travels, and have fun,” he responded after our lips parted.

“Goodnight,” I muttered as I moved to open the door for him.

“Goodnight,” he mumbled in return. He flashed me one more smile that I attempted to return, then he was off.

I watched him open and close the gate, turn to blow me a kiss, then jog off.

As soon as he was out of sight, I closed the door, and my knees gave out. The realization that I wouldn’t see him until it was almost time for school to start again hit me like a truck. I started wailing loudly, and before I knew it, both my mom and sister were there in the entryway with me, holding me and rubbing my back.

We stayed that way for a while. Eventually though, I needed to mop up my nose badly. Without me forming any coherent words, my sister understood, and ran to the bathroom to get some tissues.

My mom took that opportunity to lead me to the couch. It felt good to get off the hard floor, but my heart still ached like a huge chunk had been taken out of it. 

My sister came back with an entire roll of toilet paper, and I chuckled a little as I took it from her. “Figured you might need more than just a few tissues,” she shrugged, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

“Dank you,” I snuffled as I mopped up my oh-so-beautious snotty face.

Even though I still felt like an emotional wreck, I did calm down enough to go back upstairs and finish narrowing down my clothing choices. Once that was finally taken care of, I gathered up my make-up and sorted through that as well. This process wasn’t nearly as difficult, but still time-consuming. I chose a couple of foundations (one light and one slightly darker), my favorite concealer, and a couple of different eyeliners. I figured if I needed anything else, I could borrow it from my cousin, Kylie.

Most of my toiletries I could just buy cheaply in the States or borrow from my family. Things like shampoo, conditioner, towels, and tooth care items didn’t need to be packed for these reasons exactly. I did, however, pack my deodorant, body spray (much lighter than perfume), hair brush, and some hair accessories.

The next - and hopefully last - thing to tackle was my carry-on. Because of the airline regulations, I had to get a new, smaller bag before the last time we went State-side. It had been difficult to fit everything I needed for the 12-plus hour plane ride into my old backpack, and nigh-impossible to cram everything I wanted into this new bag.

The new bag was just big enough to fit my laptop in its proper compartment; I put that in first, along with its charge cable and my USB mouse. Next, I took inventory of my 3DS and its games. I certainly didn’t need to bring all the games, but which ones would get left behind? After a few minutes’ contemplation, I made my decisions and put the 3DS, its charger, and my chosen games into a little pouch and slid that into a smaller compartment in the carry-on bag.

The next order of business was figuring out which - if any - books I’d bring for the plane ride. Usually my 3DS and phone apps are enough to keep my interest, but I highly doubted I’d be able to access most of my favorite apps on the plane. I figured bringing a book would be a good idea. Not to mention, getting lost in a good story would help keep my mind off missing Jinki…

I stopped that train of thought before I started crying again, but just barely. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I scanned my small bookshelf, but I willed myself to concentrate on the book titles in front of me.

And that’s where I left off writing in January 2015. At the time of writing this Author’s Note, it’s November 2020.

I never meant to leave Just My Size sitting unfinished, and I apologize to all my readers. I figured the least I could do is leave you with the notes and ideas I had for this story, even if I can’t write it all out. (Anything in parentheses is stuff I’ve added now for clarification and/or extra detail.)

• The Lees unexpectedly see the Han sisters off at the airport. Mr. Lee drops off Mrs. Lee and Jinki, goes to park the car.

• As the sisters are getting ready to go through security, Mr. Lee comes back with a suitcase. Jinki is going with them! SURPRISE!! 8D (It turns out his parents had gotten him a passport just in case he wanted to study abroad! Jinki freaks out a bit about his job, but it turns out his parents talked to his boss, and his boss was in on the surprise the whole time! He then worries about the cost, and Ji-Eun’s mom replies that she talked it over with Ji-Eun’s dad and they were in agreement to cover the cost of Jinki’s flights. Ji-Eun’s aunt and uncle were happy to have him stay with them as well, and offered to cover his food costs.)

America:

• Their first night there, Ji-Eun sneaks down to the living room where Jinki's crashing on the sofa bed. Things start to get quite heated when Ji-Eun hears the front door being unlocked. She rolls off the bed, Jinki pretends to be asleep. Ji-Eun peaks over the bed - it's her dad. O_O

• (I suppose I should mention what’s going on with her parents: they got divorced a few years ago.  Her dad now lives in the US with his brother - this uncle that they’re staying with. He has a very good job and sends lots of money to his family back in Korea. He really does love and care for them, but he just couldn’t re-prioritize his life; his job came first.)

• Idea for a beach day: just the kids (Han sisters, cousins, and Jinki). On the way back to the car, they all stop at the outdoor showers to rinse the sand off.  While Ha-Eun and the cousins are distracted, Jinki back hugs Ji-Eun and feels her up a bit, whispering all y-like. ;)

• KTown LA: They go to a KMusic club and Ji-Eun requests “Light It Up” so she can dance to it with Jinki this time.  Super y. ;)

• At Disney: Dad asks to walk with Jinki before the fireworks. He explains about their family situation: he loves his family a lot, but work more. He surprisingly asks Jinki to take care of Ji-Eun. Jinki reminds Mr. Han the Ji-Eun is a young woman now and she takes care of him just as much as he does her. Mr. Han is satisfied with that answer, knowing that Jinki respects and loves his daughter.

After America:

• Group outing planned. Everyone arrives at the place, waiting out front for Ji-Eun. Minho starts complaining, then Jinki receives a text from her - she's sick and can't make it. Jinki ditches the group to go keep Ji-Eun company.

• A few days later, Ji-Eun is feeling better and goes over to Mi-Sun's house for a girls' night. Mi-Sun's bedroom door is opened a crack, and she overhears Mi-Sun and Minho talking over speakerphone.  Minho feels like Ji-Eun is stealing Jinki from them, and says Jjong feels the same way. Mi-Sun defends Ji-Eun.

• (Ji-Eun is hurt by Minho’s words and starts crying. Mi-Sun hears her sobs and ends the call with Minho. Mi-Sun comforts her friend the best she can: “Boys can be so stupid,” etc. Hea-Jung arrives and is filled in on what happened. Hea-Jung admits that Jjong has indeed expressed similar feelings, but in relation to their band. He had really enjoyed all the practice time they had put in before the festival, and he missed that a lot; but he never outright blamed Ji-Eun for the change. Hea-Jung thinks that Minho is just having trouble adjusting to the fact that they’re all growing up and priorities are changing.)

• (Eventually Ji-Eun and Minho talk, and it turns out Hea-Jung was right. Minho doesn’t say it as eloquently as she did of course, but the idea is the same. They make up and everyone becomes closer friends as a result!)

At some point before graduation:

• (Taemin/Naeun and Key/Eunji break up amicably. Taemin throws himself into his dance lessons hardcore.)

• (The school welcomes a Japanese exchange student named Arisa Yagi [IRL, the girl Key was paired with on We Got Married Global Edition], and Key is appointed by the principal to show her around. They hit it off wonderfully! While they never officially date, they do have a fling. [insert lots of eyebrow-raising here])

• Talent show. SHINee sings "Your Name" and Jinki, Minho, and Jonghyun call their girlfriends up on stage. The girls knew the guys would sing to them, but they hadn't heard the song before. Insert much blushing and flailing, even though their confessions of love aren’t anything new. Ji-Eun didn't know until the performance introduction that Jinki wrote the lyrics.

And that’s it. As you can see, I had a lot of ideas, but all my stories on here were just my way of dealing with being separated from my real-life love.

Ch. 16 was uploaded in December of 2014, just a few months after I got engaged. Before our wedding in June 2016, there was a lot of planning to do, and we moved in together in October 2015. Ever since, life has been throwing us curveball after curveball, and my mental health has taken a nosedive. But through it all, my husband has been there for me, and I haven’t felt the need to distract myself with pretty KPop boys. I still enjoy KPop - don’t get me wrong - but I’m not obsessed like I used to be. After living with my husband for a while, I came to the realization that my obsessions and stories were how I was coping with missing him. Now that we live together, I don’t have those compulsions anymore.

To all who have read my stories and to any who find this in the future, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.