Ji Hyo sits buried in a pile of empty snack bags and half-finished ramen. She itches her neck before taking a sip from her cup rimmed with two-day-old lip stains. She's thankful Chang Joo hasn't called this week. She still hasn't internally reconciled the events from days ago--the specific actions are a blur but she remembers it as dancing in a cloud of crimson ecstasy before crashing into a cold wall of silence.

 

She didn't forget Jong Kook's words though, which is why she's still sitting on her wooden chair with arms wrapped around her bent legs resting on the seat, deep in thought. She adjusts her position, wiggling slightly into her chair when a sharp pain shoots through her.

 

Oh right, that bruise on her hip. She forgot about her souvenir from Jong Kook's lovely throw.

 

She stares out the window, half dazed, half watching the cars the pedestrians scurrying along a nearby street, as if the patterns of their movements could gift her with an epiphany. She's been debating both arguments ad nauseam by the windowsill, she could probably write a novel on the rippling effects of siding with each.

 

But deep inside, deep down inside, she already knows the answer. Transforming that into words with the understanding that she single-handedly has the power to destroy someone's life however, is another story.

 

Her head swivels to glance at her phone. It's 4pm. If she wants to tell him, she should leave her apartment now. The time stares back at her menacingly, taunting her, daring her to take a step away from the safety of her chair. She reaches back for her coin, flipping it as she did the previous two days.

 

Heads, she goes. Tails, she doesn't.

 

Gently rubbing her thumb over the metal surface for luck, she counts to three before flicking it into the air. It misses her palm and lands on the ground with a sharp clink. She takes a breath before glancing down.

 

Tails.

 

She breaths out a sigh of relief, but breathes in overwhelming guilt. Ji Hyo knows she shouldn't be pushing it off any longer. It's already a bad move that she's notifying him only a few days before her departure. It'll be even more unacceptable to wait any longer. Maybe she should go despite the coin. Not like she followed it the previous two days, as they were both heads but she convinced herself that holding it off another day wouldn't hurt.

 

She takes a careful glance at the world outside, at the weather outside, at the happenings of people below, in case there were any last minute signs from the heavens.

 

 

Ji Hyo plays with her ring in the backseat of a cab on its way to him. She's been wearing it every day since the day by Han River. The weight on her finger bites into her skin, constantly reminding her of the decision she's made and the new one now itching to be released.

 

She repeats a mock dialogue in her mind for the next twenty minutes until she doesn't have to think about it and words just come spilling out. Her critical sentences must be spoken fluently, she tells herself. No pauses anywhere. Otherwise, she'll lose her courage.

 

It's almost 5:30pm when she arrives at the familiar agency building. She marches in with purpose, adrenaline coursing through her from the mini-pep talk high-fiving her in her head. Jamming a finger at the up arrow, she waits impatiently at the elevator bank, foot tapping nervously on the marble floor.

 

After what feels like a lifetime, the doors finally open and she leaps in. She's about to push the "8" button on the panel when her finger refuses to move any further. She hovers over the number helplessly. The other passengers eye her strangely as they wait for their turn after her. Her face flushes red in embarrassment at her hesitation as she steps back to let others ahead.

 

In the end, Ji Hyo didn't press anything and takes a trip up and down the building, returning back to the lobby. She feels ridiculous. She must looked so bizarre on the CCTV.

 

Walking over to a bench, she plops down, defeated. The clock reads 5:43pm. The lobby echoes with distant footsteps and low murmurs. She's alone.

 

The ring draws her attention again. Maybe her struggles are a sign of something. Maybe it's telling her that this was all a bad idea. An important decision shouldn't require so much back and forth right? There should be an obvious answer but why is her body rejecting it? Maybe she's forcing something that won't play out well.

 

The actress gives herself a few slaps to the face. (She doesn't bother with checking if there are any passersby.) You can do this, Ji Hyo. You have to do it today. Do it. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't.

 

She wonders if she should call him first to check his whereabouts, but against it for fear of raising suspicions. If he asked why she asked, she wouldn't know.

 

So, she sits on the bench, waiting for him.

 

 

 

It's pitch black outside by the time she spots his figure walking out of the elevator. Her eyes are sore from staring at the elevator bank every time she hears chimes. Ji Hyo stands up to walk towards him as he heads for the doors. He passes right by eyes with eyes focused on the exit.

 

"Chairman Baek", she calls out, watching his head swivel in surprise. His eyes light up when he spots over. He runs over hurriedly.

 

"Hi", he's all smiles. She's never surprised him at work before. "What are you doing here?"

 

"I need to…tell you…something", she starts off strong, but by the third word, her confidence is gone. How can she unload the truth when his hopeful eyes are on her?

 

"Sure, how about over dinner?", he gestures towards the door.

 

"N-no, I need to tell you now"

 

Sensing something more serious, his face drops. The lightness from earlier has disappeared and his face is marred with concern.

 

"Why, what happened? Are you alright?", he steps forward, wanting to hold her arms but drops them after realizing they're in public.

 

She takes a deep breath, preparing herself for the bombshell she's about to drop on him. He watches her expectantly. She opens to speak but nothing leaves her lips.

 

"Are you okay?", his eyes are becoming more sad. It's as if he already knows.

 

She glances around. There's no one nearby. This is the opportune moment. But she's also terrified of his reaction.

 

"Please understand me, okay?"

 

Chang Joo's eyes begin to turn cold as he braces himself. Nothing good can come from this. He's had to break bad news to one too many people and her language is triggering all sorts of flags in him. He nods to encourage her to speak out, but doesn't want to hear any of it.

 

Her eyes are directed at his hair as she speaks. She can't bring herself to lock eyes with him as she lets each word slip past, "I can't go with you to the US".

 

"Why not?", he asks gently. He expected as such, if not worse.

 

"I'm just…not ready yet", she responds curtly, not knowing how else to articulate the ball of knows in her head.

 

"I've already prepared so much for you. I will make sure you transition smoothly. Tell me, what are you so uncomfortable with?", he tests her conviction.

 

His steady  voice scares her.

 

He steps closer to her. She slowly retreats. Their eyes are locked, challenging each other.

 

"I appreciate it, but I'm just not ready to make that jump right now", she says matter-of-factly, but knows that her defense is crumbling as she repeats the same few words.

 

"But didn't you say you wanted to come with me? I didn't force this on you, you know. After you agreed, I made so many plans with you in mind."

 

"I'm sorry", she mumbles. Her head drops in apology.

 

"A simple sorry doesn't undo all the preparation I put into it. I've given you months to think over this and you never said anything against it, and now, just three days away, you're just now telling me 'no'?", his voice is still calm but is laced with disappointment.

 

She looks back at him, into his tired eyes, without a logical retort.

 

"What are you not ready about?", he tries once again. He genuinely wants to understand.

 

"I'm so used to everything here, and I like it here. I'm not ready to give all that up yet."

 

"But you'll have me, and I'll help you succeed and you can have an even better like with me", he studies her carefully. There is no joy in her eyes.

 

"But I--", she starts.

 

"It's me, isn't it? You're not ready because it's with me, right?", he make it a point to look her in the eyes, which dart around nervously under his scrutiny.

 

"I-I don't know", she barely mutters, trying to ignore his eyes that are growing watery.

 

He throws her a skeptical glance and scoffs loudly. She wasn't against going to the US. She must have been against going with him. "How can you not know? This is an important decision. You don't just randomly come to this conclusion."

 

She fights back the stinging in her own eyes because hurting him is hurting her. "I'm just really confused right now. I don’t' know what it exactly is. It just doesn't feel right."

 

"Why don't you give me the benefit of the doubt? I'll be better", he's pleading to her.

 

She stares back, speechless. His eyes are desperate for any kind of solution, but she has no answer and stands there awkwardly engaging him in a staring contest.

 

He sighs and she watches his shoulders sag more with each second. His eyes are now stained red as they flicker across her face, hoping to grasp at any bit of hope.

 

His eyes flicker down to her fingers which are now attempting to loosen her ring. Chang Joo's hand immediately snaps down to hold her hands in place.

 

She looks up in surprise at his sudden touch. His eyes remind her of when they first met, when she would catch him gazing at her which sent her cheeks flushing pink, when he wasn't afraid to show is his softer, more vulnerable side. These days, everything felt like a business transaction.

 

Ji Hyo wills herself to reciprocate the same gestures to breathe life back to the relationship and to save him from looking any more heartbroken. Despite being an actress, she is unable to muster anything and remains unmoving in front of him.

 

He feels her reluctance and shrinks back. "Is this it then?", he finally asks.

 

Chang Joo already knows her answer, but she pauses to ponder deeply, as if a courteous gesture for him.

 

Ji Hyo takes a deep breath. She wasn't sure if she was ready.

 

"Yes", she mumbles. That one words sends her flying upwards with a sea of balloons freshly released. She was free from everything.

 

Her fiancé, on the other hand, is thrown against concrete walls like an unwanted rag doll. When he finally drops to the ground, he is covered by blankets of gray dust and rubble, blankets of his commitments now all about to fall through.

 

"It's over, then?", he starts off as a statement, but ends with a question. He throws her another bone, throws her another opportunity to reverse her decision.

 

"It is", she replies, squirming under his intense gaze.

 

He sighs, purposefully audible. "I'll try to send everything over before I leave for the States, but I'm going to be really busy packing."

 

Ji Hyo can't tell if he's emphasized the last word out of spite or not. It's almost over, she tells herself. She's survived the eye of the storm. So far, things went much better than she expected.

 

"Don't bother", she replies to his comment, but instantly wishes she could retract her words. They left so bitter when she was trying her hardest to sound apologetic as to not add any more salt to his wounds.

 

"Let's try to end this amicably, okay?", he spits back defensively. His face turns cold, but the tears peeking from his eyes do not go unnoticed.

 

"--Chairman, Baek?", a young lady interrupts, approaching the couple out of breath with frazzled hair, "there's someone upstairs who needs you."

 

"How did you find--"

 

"Please come, it's an emergency", she turns and walks briskly back towards the elevators, not bothering to check if he followed behind.

 

Ji Hyo and Chang Joo watch her disappear before turning to each other. Well, that was odd.

 

"We'll continue this at another time, okay?"

 

She nods, "Have a good evening".

 

"Good night", he replies before hurrying after the staff member.

 

Ji Hyo leaves the building. She's tired. She just wants to go home. She falls asleep in the taxi.  The ring is still on her finger.

 

 

 

-----

 

 

Jong Kook has stalked too many fansites and resorted to another dimension of advanced logic to determine Ji Hyo's departure date, since she was ever reluctant to share it. He's not especially proud of his techniques but it gets the job done.

 

He grabs his winter coat and wallets as he heads out the door.

 

This is it. Ji Hyo leaves today at precisely 10:23am.

 

 

 

He hides his identity behind his shades as he sits in the subway, avoiding the curious glances of passengers in the car as it is still dark outside before it's not even 6am yet. Yeah, Jong Kook is ing insane, ing insane for Ji Hyo.

 

The male flips open his wallet and pulls out of piece of paper. Unfolding it, he reads over the sentences he's scribbled down and pull out his fair for for most of yesterday. His brows furrow in contemplation once he reaches its end. It still doesn't sound right. He's still missing something, highlight, a grand gesture to seal of his confession.

 

Roses? Chocolate? A hug? A, dare he think it, a kiss? None felt right and now it's the morning of and he still doesn't know. He wonders if his lack of conviction is what's been failing him for all these years with his love interests.

 

He surveys his surrounding passengers for ideas. Most are tourists, armed with cameras and battered suitcases. Some are dressed in uniform, reporting for duty at the airport. A select few are asleep and look like they missed their original stop in Seoul.

 

After twenty minutes, he finally arrives at Incheon International Airport. There are about four hours before her departure but he sprints into the check-in area to check the departure board. Panting as he locates Ji Hyo's flight to Los Angeles, he relaxes as he reads "ON TIME" and beside it, no gate number. They're not letting them in yet. He hasn't missed her yet.

 

There are two security checkpoint areas 100 meters apart and Jong Kook paces around each for ten minutes studying faces like a hawk before alternating to the other. There are a few occasions where there is someone resembling her, but that passenger seems to be traveling by herself. He's sure she would've flew with her fiancé. Other times, the woman is wearing heels or a dress and though she looks similar from the back, he knows Hell would freeze over before Ji Hyo wore that onto a plane.

 

He's been scrambling around for the past ninety minutes and in the back of his mind, is also just waiting for Security to nab him up for suspicious activity. Why wouldn't he be, a muscled man in sunglasses marching between two lines and watching people? He can already feel angry stares from some waiting in line.

 

At 8am, the nearby kiosks and shops in the airport open up. One of which is a florist. The line is moving slowly  enough that Jong Kook can take a break without missing anymore. He has no energy left to conjure up a creative idea and settles for flowers for Ji Hyo. Jong Kook spots the traditional red roses--no, too intense, white roses--no, that's wedding stuff, purple roses--woah, they have purple roses? He skips over to the next display as he's not really that into roses--they're too feminine.

 

His eyes immediately fly to the bundle of yellow daises. They're bright and cheerful and they remind him of Ji Hyo when they first met. He snatches up the bouquet and heads over to check out. As he's paying, he remembers his mother telling him something about the meanings of different colors, but he could care less. He think Ji Hyo would like these.

 

Armed with a bundle of flowers, he returns to his post making laps between the two lines infinitely more confident than before. He's no longer a creepy head hunter, but rather a sweet man preparing to surprise a lucky someone. Some girls point and aww at him.

 

It's already 9am and the lines are moving faster as more security scanning stations open behind the checkpoint entry spots. Staying at one line meant potentially missing the faces in the other. He randomly picks one to scan but does so in jitters. His palms get sweaty as he wonders if Ji Hyo was in the other line and he's missed her. Every passing second, it could happen.

 

After a mental battle, he finally dashes over the other line, standing on his tiptoes, trying to get a peek into the security checkpoint area of Ji Hyo. By now, he's only looking at backs of heads.

 

It's 9:23am and the status of her flight updates to "BOARDING". A subsequent announcement echoes throughout the airport. The words feel like nails against his skin and his heart begin to beat deafening thuds against his temples. His internal time bomb is ticking again.

 

There's a glistening trail along his hairline as he scans through the crowd, more franticly than ever before. Were there always this many passengers at this airport? Did so many of them have to wear sunglasses and hats?

 

He continues bouncing back and forth with no luck. His yellow daisies have begun to wilt and his vice grip on the stems have bruised it brown streaks.

 

Every time the PA comes on, he freezes in his tracks to still the chaos in his mind, and prays as he listens that the announcement is not about her flight. He needs more time. He need to find her. He needs to tell her.

 

There is a young lady in line who's on her phone, loudly thanking her host and sending her well wishes. Suddenly, Jong Kook's hand snaps to lay over his left pants pocket. His phone, his phone! He can call her!

 

With renewed energy, he tucks the flowers under his right ram as he searches for her number, jabbing it and slamming the device against his ear as it rings. He begins to prepare what to say, but decides against it. He's already so exhausted from this morning; he's given up on eloquent confession altogether. He just wants to see her.

 

It rings. Thump. Thump.

 

And rings. Thump. Thump.

 

And rings. Thump. Thump.

 

And --"Hi, this is Ji Hy--"

 

"Hey--", he breathes out a smile. Thumpthumpthumpthumpthump.

 

"--Sorry, I can't come to the phone right--"

 

He hangs up.

 

Of course she doesn't pick up.

 

 

He slumps down onto a nearby bench, throwing his flowers onto the empty seat beside him and rolling his head back in frustration. His weary hands rub over his face as he groans. The male's eyes glaze over as he stares at the two lines, like dragons undulating into the security area. They're all the just black and white blobs white to him now. His brain hurts from trying to subtlety study people's face for the past three hours. Maybe he can consider being a criminal profiler if this singer-entertainer gig doesn't work out. He tries to ignore the pitiful stares from the passengers in line.

 

Ji Hyo's probably in there, he scolds himself, and he's just sitting there letting her slip away. The world feels dizzy as soon as he looks up into the mass of people. He's so exhausted. Maybe it's not meant to be if he has to try so hard for it, but then again, nothing worth having ever comes easy. He grumbles in annoyance as he sinks further into his seat.

 

 

The PA comes on again with the last call for boarding her flight--it's 10:08am. It spurs him to continue his search, though unenthusiastically. He mindless combs through heads, telling himself that he's stopping when her flight departs. A person in line now wouldn't make it through in time to board her flight, so he doubts she's there.

 

Despite all his efforts, the flight departs, as expected and he doesn't find her. The flowers lay limp in his hands as he slumps against a nearby wall, slowly sliding down it until he sits against the cold tiled floor.

 

Straight ahead of him is the departures board. He watches her flight number disappear before his eyes and the others move up the queue. He swallows hard. The board ruthlessly erases her existence from him. Jong Kook's heart is dropping down an abyss, sliding against and being shredded by its rocky edges.

 

He eyes the wilted flowers that now lay beside. He wants to burn them.

 

He flips open his wallet to fish out his stupid confession note. He rips it up into fine shreds before wadding it into a tight ball and throwing it against the daisies. He watches it bounce off a stem and roll to a stop out of arm's reach.

 

His life is an absolute ing joke.

 

He picks at the calluses on his hands and his eyes fade out as the disappointment begins to consume him, inside out. He savors how bitter it feels.

 

 

 

 

He takes one last look at board, as if willing the flight to reappear before heading towards the subway station. Jong Kook stands at the very end of the station platform away from the crowds, wanting board an empty car. He collapses into a seat in the back corner and leans his head against the wall with eyes closed.

 

Within no one around, he finally pulls off his shades. There are red marks along his nose bridge. The air feels refreshing against his eyelids.

 

The failure stung. And he was no stranger to failure, from losing to peers in endless music and entertainment awards, each one hurt, especially when they were the culmination of a year's work. But this was on a completely different level. With those, he could tell himself that there would always be next year. He could try harder next year. If not that, then maybe the year after. As long as he dedicated himself to it, there would always be an opportunity for him.

 

But this was just one shot and he let it go. It was right in front of him that night with Ji Hyo but he smothered it out because he was still so engrossed in an ethics battle with himself. Some things in life only come around once and he failed to recognize it then. And then afterwards, like a bumbling, naïve, child, he came scrambling back last minute to the airport, to the last possible point where their paths could still cross, so he could beg life for a do over, to give him a second chance. But of course, life is never kind and a second is luck is even rarer than the first one. Why had he expected he could reverse his fate today?

 

He hunches over, gripping his hair in anguish. A long curving roadway appears in his mind, marked and diverted by the exact decisions and words he said to Ji Hyo. There are things he didn't say and do that appear as exits that the road leads straight past. Who knows what would have been around the bend of any one of those exits? Who knows which one of them would lead to Ji Hyo? The numerous exits he didn't take eventually merge into a single roadway that was runs parallel against his. It's obvious the destination of that path, and in retrospect, it's even more obvious which of the many exits he could have taken to take him there.

 

He wanted to blame that car he drove alone down the roadway. All the windows were out except one, the back window.

 

A sob escapes. He sniffs it up but ends up coughing as another sob pummeling its way up through his throat.

 

He digs the heels of his palms into his eyes to press back his tears. There is absolutely no ing way he's crying on a subway. And also that crying won't solve anything but make him look more tragic and others feel uncomfortable.

 

But another sob slips through. He squeezes his lips shut and clenches his teeth to push them back, nearly holding his breath.

 

Jong Kook feels the building pressure in his chest, rising and falling faster with each second. He needs to release it but he knows it'll be a disaster if he does.

 

His internal time bomb is ticking again.

 

He lets out a cough and then the dam erupts spectacularly.

 

He wails into his hands that are cupping his face with elbows propped against his thighs. He expunges all his inner conflicts for the past months through the tears that are now dripping down his forearms and pooling onto his pants. He cries for all the struggles he faced because he had to make these decisions on his own. He never spoke to anyone about them and in the end, he obviously chose the wrong.

 

He shoulders wrack with sorrow from the injustice he felt from Ji Hyo. Why did she keep stringing him along if she was just going to leave him in the end? Why didn't she tell him again that night? Why did she shut up just because he told her to? She usually never listens to him anyway. Why did she screw this up for them? Why didn't she say anything before then? Why did she decide to shut him out of her life when he so desperately wanted to be in hers?

 

And why did Chang Joo have to be so sneaky as to steal her right from under him? Wasn't it bad practice to be dating your client? And why did he have to take her away to the US? She's doing just fine here in Korea. In fact, she's blossomed in the recent years. Why is her forcing her to start from scratch again?

 

He cries for all the what-ifs and the unrealized dreams. He cries for the Jong Kook in him that he's let down again. He cries for his parents who are waiting for a wedding with patient smiles but worried hearts. He cries that he has to start again. He has to find another someone, another woman, another Ji Hyo.

 

But he knows he won't, because, there is only one Ji Hyo.

 

 

---

A/N: This was really long and overwrought, but I hope it wasn't too boring. Next chapter is the last one!!