My fingernails were fidgeting against the table, my eyes gazing out of the window, looking at the various buildings that were full of lights, different from the dark alley that they walked through before. The lights reminded me of Seoul, how I’d look out of the window of my apartment and feel so small, compared to the buildings. I’d occasionally get jealous of all the people walking or running, getting on with their lives, their normal lives.

There weren’t that many people outside, not in that area anyway, I found myself complimenting Daesung on his choice. But what had I done to deserve such kindness?

Not today. Don’t think, Jessica I told myself, shaking my head to divert wherever the thought where going, because I knew that if I started thinking that way, then I’d ruin my few hours of freedom. I couldn’t let that happen, it wouldn’t be fair to Daesung.

I looked around, only to see him coming to my table with two coffees, smiling at me.

His smile was contagious, making me smile in consequence, and I took the cup and held it tightly because that was the only way I could get a hold of myself.

Today was going to be good, it had to be.

“I think Mocha is your favourite, right?” he asked, leaning back to make himself more comfortable but my legs could feel the short distance between his, under the table.

“How do you know that?”

“You told me! It was one of our first conversations I think” he furrows his eyebrows in thought, his right hand moving swiftly through his blonde hair.

“Oh” was the only thing that came out of my mouth, my lips pulled up in a tight smile as I slowly nod, remembering. It was funny how I’d known him for just a month, but he got my order right when there were times where some people who I considered the closest to me, ordered me a cappuccino or even an Americano at times, so as a habit, I usually ordered my order myself.

A strange fuzzy feeling filled me inside, tears threatening to spill out so I immediately looked up, as I always did but the lights hanging on the ceiling contrasted my eyes, making a tear come out.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, his voice freaked out, I could tell.

“Nothing, I’m just… touched I guess”

He laughed relieved, shaking his head at the same time, he then put his face on his palms for a few seconds, still chuckling.

“I’m getting you tea next time, coffee doesn’t seem to do you good, Jessica!”

We sat in that coffee shop, talking and laughing, joking around like old friends, listening to his stories about funny accidents that happened during his tour, or a small anecdote about s, his eyes glowing whenever he got to the funniest bits, his hands moving chaotically to the rhythm of his storytelling, the way he talked about the things he loved made the strange fuzzy feeling stronger that I feared I was going to vomit sooner or later.

People went out of the shop and others came in, but I was completely taken by our conversation that I had no idea whatsoever about our surroundings, until his ringtone went off.

As he was busy talking to someone on the phone, I took out my own phone and turned it on.

36 missed calls

8 messages

3 voicemails

I gasped at the numbers, feeling a little guilty towards my manager as he was the one who called me the most. I imagined his face, probably cursing at me, sat in my hotel room waiting for me, like a parent does when a rebellious teenager breaks the curfew.

“Jung Sooyeon! Come back immediately”

“I’m telling the Boss if I don’t see you in an hour!”

“COME BACK”

“You are so in trouble!”

“You have until midnight. Don’t think of going to the girl’s room, I know you know I’m waiting in your room.”

“Jessica! Where did you go? Manager Oppa is going crazy so whatever you’re doing, he better be worth it!” - Hyoyeon

“Unni! Are you okay? Be careful!” - Seohyun

“I thought we were partners in crime! Tell Daesung I said hi! J” Tiffany

Laughing at the last text, my eyes caught the time, half past eleven so I sighed, annoyed.

I looked up from my phone to see Daesung staring at me, already having ended his phone call. One of the things I noticed about him was how he looked at me, but it felt as if I was an open book that he could read through so easily that it scared me how he could understand what I say in an instant, it was truly scary.

“We can’t watch the movie anymore! What movie was it anyway?” I asked, disappointment colouring my tone.

“It’s okay, we can watch it another time”

“But what movie was it?”

“It’s a secret!”

***

It is rare to usually meet people where you feel like you’ve known them forever, for me at least, it always was rare. In high school, girls could talk to each other and once their favourite boy band, group or something was mentioned, their eyes would light up and there it was, they met their new best friend. It never happened to me, even with the girls. It only happened now, with Daesung.

With the girls, it was pretty easy to get along with them, but before debuting, everyone was everyone’s enemy, no one knew their fate so it was intense. Still, friendship was formed as a result of being glued together for so long. The balance then was messed up when someone new came in, I never knew how or what to say to them therefore we’d be awkward for the first few weeks. But then again, you can’t spent such a long amount of time that we spent together, and still be awkward because you learnt things about each other that actually, if we went to school together, we’d never know because some sort of things, don’t come up in a conversation. It’s hard faking yourself after a while so everyone is themselves because that’s just how it goes.

Walking back into the hotel was, if possible, harder than walking out.

It seemed that my outing became public knowledge, bodyguards waiting in front of the hotel and at the back so when I realized that it’d be impossible to sneak back in unnoticed, I looked at the doors from the taxi I was sat in and decided to not think of anything but to just face everything upfront. I wasn’t a criminal, I was innocent so why did I have to hide?

I walk towards the doors, my courage trembling by every step I make but I wouldn’t let them know I was scared, that wasn’t me. I was never this kind of girl, I wouldn’t become one now for sure.

“Mrs Jung, we’ve been looking for you for hours” a man said as soon as I got into the lounge.

“I’m here now, is there anything you want to tell me?” Ignorance is bliss, right?

He seemed taken aback by my question so he just muttered a no and left, making me smile in victory.

1 down, more to go.

Taking the elevator to my floor, I prepare myself to what is going to be a long night, my phone vibrates, a text coming through.

“I had a nice time. Thank you for hanging out – D”

A huge smile spreads across my face, my hands shaking a little bit, I put my phone away and take a deep breath. What was the worst that could happen? I mean, they wouldn’t kill me.

“Jessica, you’re back” I heard my manager’s voice as I closed the door to my room.

He was sitting in the middle of the room, his iPad in his hands and a few sheets on the table. He looked tired but there wasn’t any trace of anger in his eyes, making me even more scared. It was better when you could tell what he was thinking but now I was left in the dark.

“Oh, Oppa, you’re here. Is there something wrong?” that seemed to set him off, he dropped his iPad on the table and looked at me straight in the eyes.

“Of course there is something wrong! I nearly lost my job tonight and you’re here, smiling ear to ear, dating around while I try to sort out your mess. Do you know how lucky you are that no one saw you? Why are you so careless? Jessica, your actions affect others!”

I hung my head low, what was there to say in my defence? Nothing.

Guilt washed through me, imagining the hours that I was laughing and he was probably here, waiting for me to come back and probably dreading a scandal.

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to-”

“Jessica, I’m not saying you can’t date. But to stop being so selfish and think of others, if no one knows where you go off to, what do we do? Our job is to protect you and manage you. It’s been six years, why are we even having this conversation?”

“I’ll be more careful next time, I’m sorry” I bow down, apologetic but part of me didn’t want to apologize. I didn’t understand what I had done so wrong, was it so wrong to want to have fun?

“Oppa, don’t you think you’re over reacting a little? I mean, nothing bad actually happened”

“It’s always you Jessica. Never Yuri, never Hyoyeon but you. Paparazzi are following you like crazy, just waiting for that little mistake that could cost you and me the career. You’re the one getting caught going out with other guys, the other girls have at least this bit of common sense.

I’m not even angry, I’m just disappointed that time and time again, you’re thinking of yourself first before others. Do you know how worried the other members were? You girls are sisters and-” I snort to that part, shaking my head.

“Sisters? Sisters don’t go behind each other’s backs! Sisters don't make you feel bad about yourself! I’ll accept that I was thoughtless but please, don’t go any further. You have every right to be disappointed but what about me? I-”

“See? That’s exactly what I mean. What about me, me, me. Did you ever think that maybe you bought this on yourself? Have you ever thought that the girls didn’t turn their back on you but you’re the one that sets other people aside? Wake up, Jessica, the world doesn’t evolve around you.” And with that, he walked out, slamming the door.

I sit on the edge of the bed, letting out a huge sigh, reality crumbling over me.

What had I done?

***