My head was leaning over the window in the van, lost in my own world.  The girls were now used to it so they didn’t even bother asking what I was thinking about.

Sooyoung, Sunny and Hyoyeon were on their iPads checking the response of our new single I got a Boy while the others were chatting loudly about everything and nothing at the same time except for Tiffany who kept looking at me, worried.

We’ve been best friends for ages, we know everything about each other but I could see how Tiffany worried about me these past few weeks, I could see it in her expression and the way she tried to talk to me but didn’t know what to say, she’d just hug me out of the blue to reassure me when even I didn’t know why I was feeling this way. It wasn’t like me to be so quiet and down, I was usually the one who laughed the most along with Taeyeon, we barely talk now and I can’t exactly say pinpoint what was wrong with me, I’m just…

I felt broken, empty, I couldn’t see the point of any of the things I did, my smile didn’t reach my eyes anymore, as much as I tried to, it wouldn’t come back to the way it was.

We were headed to SBS to record our first comeback performance after more than a year, this comeback was the hardest one so far since I totally wasn’t used to dance and sing so much at the same time, the style was different, we tried incorporating hip-hop and for once we weren’t wearing our trade-mark heels but I felt awkward trying to do dance moves that didn’t suit me at all with a song that I didn’t like at first but grows on you, I just had to take on the challenge and do the best, not just for me but for the girls.

I was tired, my eyes could barely keep themselves open, I just wanted to go home and sleep on my own bed but at the same time I hated how I went back to my apartment and it would be empty, even if the members came over often, I would still feel the loneliness.

I wasn’t even heart broken, I hadn’t had a boyfriend for a little over 3 years, just dates with no future but I was fine with them, I knew they wouldn’t lead to anything more, maybe I’d give myself to the date of the evening for a one-night stand but I’d wake up the next morning regretting what happened so it became a rule for the girls that I had to have someone check on me, to prevent me from doing stupid things.

I was tired of it, I didn’t know for how long I could go on feeling like this.

No matter how many times I attempted to snap out of it, things wouldn’t go my way. I felt guilty for making Tiffany worry like that but how could I explain something that I didn’t know myself?

Without me realizing it, we arrived to the destination so we all got out entering the familiar building, bowing respectfully to everyone; we went to their dressing room.

“Who’s getting their make-up done first?” one of the staff shouted across the room.

Getting ready was the hardest bit believe it or not because there would be arguments over who’d get what done first, so in the course of the years, we decided to play rock-paper-scissors to make it fair for everyone.

We were split into three groups; Sooyoung, Sunny and Seohyun would get their make-up, while Tiffany, Hyoyeon and Yuri would change into their outfits, as for me, Taeyeon and Yoona we’d get our hair done, once one finishes, we rotate. That was the most effective tactic and it would get everyone moving without wasting any time.

After 2 hours, everything was done; most of us rehearsing on their own for their part, except for me. I was looking in the mirror, trying to fix a wisp of hair that kept annoying me.

“Aish, whatever” I sighed, rolling my eyes.

“Calm down, let me fix it for you.” Taeyeon chuckled as she took a straightener in her hand and adjusted the hair.

“Sort your temper, Princess. What’s wrong with you these days? It’s not like you getting annoyed by a strand of hair. Smile, in a minute the cameras are going to come in here.” She whispered when she got close to me. I guess she was still mad at me for last week but it wasn’t the right time to bring it up.

“I wouldn’t want to ruin our great image now, would I?” I looked at myself at the mirror one last time after giving her a playful smile, mumbled thanks and walked out.

 I was wandering around the corridors looking in the void; I could feel my tears were slowly starting come out so I looked up while fanning myself with my hands to prevent the make-up from getting ruined. I couldn’t cry, not now, I couldn’t afford to mess up our comeback stage, especially the first one.

“Watch out, you should look at where you’re going.” a voice said from behind.

Embarrassed, I turned around, bowed quickly without looking at who it was and walked faster but luck wasn’t on my side as the guy run to catch up to me as I try to fasten my speed.

“Jessica-sshi!” he called me.

.

I was torn between keeping walking and ignore him or turn around to face him but something told me that I shouldn’t, what if he goes around saying how rude I am for neglecting people? That was the last thing I needed to deal with, but at the same time, I couldn’t let anyone see SNSD Jessica crying.  

Lesser than two evils, Sica.

I turned around, putting up my usual front with people but I was surprised to find a Daesung in front of me instead of a member of staff.

He raised his hand towards me, offering me a tissue, inviting me to take it without saying anything as if he understood me, making me tear up again. I took the tissue from his hand, I couldn’t make eye contact so I just looked down trying to stop the tears from flowing.

I didn’t know for how long I cried but it must have been long enough to make people wonder where I was since one of our managers was shouting my name as I looked around, Daesung wasn’t there anymore. Oh, I didn’t get to thank him.

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