“Because even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you.” – Natsuki Takaya

"Jessica, I need you… Sica-yah, I’m sorry”

“Are you okay? Who is it?” Tiffany questioned me in concern but I just shook my head and ignored her.

“Please don’t tell them! Can you get here?”

“Uhm, I’m not sure… is it that important?” I asked her, mentally hitting myself for the stupid question since it obviously was important for her to call me.

Taeyeon never called unless it was an emergency, she always said that her voice sounds weird on the phone so she always texted people.

Secondly, I doubt she’d call me if she could have called anyone else, that’s how things were between us.

“I’ll try, all right? I’m on my way home, I’ll text you, just wait!” as soon as I hung up, I regretted it instantly.

What if she’s in danger? What if she’s in pain?

 I got more worried as the minutes went on, I kept sending her texts every two minutes but she wasn’t replying to any of them.

Once Tiffany dropped me off in front of my apartment, I got to my car and started driving to Taeyeon’s immediately. Although I was exhausted, both mentally and physically, I kept thinking of the possibilities of what could have happened to Taeyeon.

I pulled over in the parking lot of her condo and started speed walking. The more I walked the more I was getting scared and worried that eventually I started running, tears in my eyes, the journey felt continuous. The relief that overcame me when Taeyeon opened the door was so overwhelming that I just dropped to the floor, sobbing.

“I... thought… oh my… Taeyeon” she looked at me with a confused while helping me up and I hugged her tightly, still panting from the run.

“I’ll get water for you. I think you’ve got some of your pills here right?” I just nodded, unable to say anything else, my body slowly calming down although I could feel my heart still racing and my hands shaking.

She returned with a cup of water and a peachy pink pill.

“Did you drive with a panic attack? Jessica, what if you got into an accident? Are you trying to kill yourself?”

“I was so worried, how can you do this to me? I thought something happened to you but you’re here, completely fine. Have you got any idea of what I thought happened? You could have called someone else but you decided to call me when you clearly know that I’d get worried and freak out! Are you trying to kill me?” I was shouting, I couldn’t believe how angry I was.

“I didn’t think it’d be this bad, I’m really sorry, I just didn’t thin-”

“You didn’t think? You didn’t think?” I interrupted her.

“It just slipped out of my mind, I should have called Tiffany but she was probably enjoying herself somewhere with everyone and I thought about you, I just wanted to talk.”

“What did you want to talk about? You made it very clear that I wasn’t good enough for you to talk to.”

“Why are you making things difficult?”

Jessica, calm down.

I breathed in and held in the urge of walking out right there and then. She never changed; she’d always blame other people and not see where her faults lay, one of the things that brought us where we are now.

“What did you want to talk about then?”

“Yuri said that we had to sort out our problem, did you forget?”

“Problem? Oh, you mean when you basically told me I wasn’t good enough? That I was useless?”

“I’m sorry okay? I didn’t mean it that way; I used the wrong words, I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s not all me though, is it? “Stop being such a ”, reminds you of anything?”

“You were being a , can you blame me?”

She sighed, crossed her legs and sighed some more, while she was thinking about what to say, we remained in an awkward silence.

How did we get to this point? From best friends, sisters, people who understood each other the most to this pull and push friendship.

 It just seemed as though we lost the spark that we used to have.

It started with petty little arguments, to comments and never-ending words that would hurt each other.

We’d cry over it, but mostly it was me crying and apologizing until one point, we just stopped talking altogether except for the few times we would in front of the cameras but lately, we didn’t even bother trying.  

“Okay. Let’s leave this behind us, yeah? It’s affecting everyone and it’s not worth it” I said breaking the silence. We obviously wouldn’t agree so instead of saying things we’d regret and hurt each other more, it was better to just leave it.

She smiled and nodded.

“Why don’t you sleep over? It’s late anyway, just stay. You can sleep with me like we used to!” she didn’t even wait for my answer, she stood up from the couch and went to her room. She came back after a few seconds and chucked some clothes at me.

“They’re your favourites! Go and have a shower, I’ll make something to eat.”

I did as told and went straight to her bathroom. I sat on the closed toilet seat, staring at the water, thinking of everything and nothing at the same time.

Why do I make things difficult for people? I should have just said sorry and got over it. What’s going on with me? So stupid.

Deep breath.

 There’s no point thinking of what could have been, I tell myself. What’s done was done.

I looked at the clothes on my lap. They were the PJs that I always wore whenever I slept over, pastel trousers with white dots and plain short sleeved white top.

Is this her way of making me feel bad? Damn.

Once I finished taking my shower and got ready to go to bed, I got out of the bathroom, a strong smell of coffee welcomed me. I stood awkwardly on the side of the kitchen door.

“We have to leave tomorrow, are you sure about having coffee this late?”

She gasped and looked at me. “I forgot! What do I do now?” I laughed at her, shook my head and took the cup out of hands, pouring some of it into another cup.

“There you go. We can both have coffee now”

“How are we going to sleep now though? It doesn’t make sense, we both have to go-“

“Hurry up and drink it, we can have more coffee tomorrow morning if we have to”.

She rolled her eyes and chuckled.

Just like old times.

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Minnie.

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