The court is silent as the judge delivers his verdict.

the fine white strands of his glorious fake hair, Yifan – also known to the masses as DJ Krease (Kreaze occasionally for that extra she-bang) – shuffles through a few sparkling notes before looking up with a grave expression on his features.

“We the court,” he intones emotionlessly “find the defendant guilty of three counts of, and I quote,” he then rises, spreads his arms wide and throws his robe off into the air ( in the process revealing a pink sparkly leotard clinging to all the wrong places) and screams

“FANTASTIC DAZZLING RAYS OF LIGHT.”

There’s a pause, as if to allow the court to absorb the gravity of this situation, before he sits down on his assigned seat once more (without bothering to place his robe back on) and adapts the most serious tone possible to man.

“He shall be given five years of prison with no parole.”

Instantly, a shocked gasp emits from each individual in the room, and even the most cold-hearted man is unable to resist a tear falling from their eye, for they know the defendant is not guilty, for they know that there is some underhand work at play, because there is no way in Luhan’s saggy cheeks (sorry, first name to come to the narrator’s mind) that such an innocent individual could possibly be the perpetrator of such insidious crimes.

The defendant – Baekhyun - is lifted from his seat, a limp man in the hands of cruelty, and the defence can do naught but look on (It is Yixing’s nap time you see, and he has the uncanny ability to sleep standing up) as he is carted off.

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Silence descends like a stifling blanket, and eventually, all in the court proceed to rise and throw their hands up in the air.

“HAPPY BELATED APRIL FOOLS, AND ON WITH THE CHAPTER!”

-

Jongin is smitten like a kitten, Baekhyun thinks as he watches the other trail behind Kyungsoo. Then again, Jongin is not exactly a kitten. More like a tiger. Though, I have never seen a tiger smitten… Baekhyun shivers at the thought.

The male now watches the reception of EXO-K show the new recruit the toilets. Why the toilets of all places? Personally, the toilets are the easiest place to find when Baekhyun first arrived to the company. There is a huge sign that points to it for goodness sake! Unless Jongin is planning something.

Baekhyun groans. Please, Jongin don’t be and leave the bathroom clean. I don’t want to poo in a contaminated place for the love of God.

When Baekhyun looks up from his work place an hour later, he is very surprised when he sees wide-eyed newbie sitting by himself at a table.

Either Jongin was rejected or the world is ending. Where is Mister Tall, Dark and Handsome? Baekhyun is convinced that it is the latter reason. Why, a small rejection would not dampen the spirits of a kitten—er, tiger—like Jongin from pursuing his heart’s desires.

Baekhyun slowly makes his way towards the other and sits down in a seat next to him. Picking up a pen and spinning it rather charismatically (don’t mind the fact that Baekhyun dropped it twice), he tries to pick up conversation with the other about Jongin’s mysterious disappearance. Don’t rush into the main topic Baekhyun-ah, he tells himself. 

“So, where is Jongin?”

One can tell that Baekhyun is a master at stealth and strategy.

Kyungsoo being an innocent person, bless the kid, answers this question, unaware of the ill intention (of blackmail in the future) that Baekhyun has.

“Oh, he is helping Sehun with something.”

Baekhyun frowns. This is not the reality he wants. Don’t tell me that Jongin actually has a crush on bambi hunter.

“What is helping him with?”

“Getting him out of the washing machine.”

Oh.

Working with Sehun over the past year allows Baekhyun to know a few rudimentary things about the kid. Sehun rule number one, he is the laziest child that one will ever set eyes on; so lazy, that he prefers to jump into the washing machine, person and all, in order to wash the clothes.

Honestly, Baekhyun doesn’t understand how the maknae thinks sometimes. A washing machine as a death bed does not seem like a pleasant idea.

“I think he is also trying to stop him from hanging himself.”

“………”

Baekhyun’s head snaps up in shock as he tries to comprehend the statement Kyungsoo has just uttered. Man, he didn’t know Sehun was that much of a masochist.

“What?” he finally manages.

Kyungsoo blinks as he looks at the elder’s slight distress.

“Jongin is trying to stop Sehun from hanging himself…” he repeats slowly. Baekhyun still does not understand, and the confusion is evident on his face.

Kyungsoo’s eyes suddenly widen as he realises what he is saying.

“No!” he blurts desperately, “I mean that he is stopping him from hanging himself on the clothes line. Like? With pegs and stuff? Not actually hanging-hanging. Oh gosh, not in a suicidal way—”

Is Baekhyun surprised when he hears the statement?

Of course not. It is another reason to add on the ‘Sehun’s Laziest Moments’ list.

Baekhyun pats Kyungsoo’s back. “Don’t worry,” he soothes the other, “You never know, he might be able to see over the fence to EXO-M’s side and spot a deer once in a while.”

Kyungsoo stares up dubiously at the other, “Deer?”

“You have a lot to learn young ‘un.”

“I have noticed.”

Someone comes crashing through the doorway. The someone then s something into both Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s hand. Baekhyun shoots a look at the bottle that he is now holding and frowns.

“Really Joonmyun-hyung? Rum? It’s only Monday today.”

The janitor gives the two a dazzling grin. When Baekhyun says dazzling, he means dazzling. Baekhyun hopes he doesn’t need eye surgery while he works alongside Joonmyun. His smile can give the Sun a run for its money. Maybe he should ask for the brand of toothpaste he uses.

“Baekhyun-ah, don’t be a spoil sport.” the other sings, and Baekhyun is jealous of his voice. He wants to visit Ursula the sea witch and ask how she manages to capture Ariel’s voice. He should probably be able to steal Joonmyun’s when he has enough practice.

“You watch too many Disney movies Baekhyun-ah.” A low chuckle comes from behind him. Spinning around, Baekhyun’s breath catches slightly as he stares at the prosecutor of EXO-K.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are currently viewing smoothness at its finest, alongside the talking-out-loud Baekhyun! Please switch to this same channel next week to join us on the next episode: how to burn a kitchen down with Jongdae! (Kyungsoos are not permitted to watch next week’s episode)

A cliff would be very handy right at this moment. Baekhyun really wants to fling himself on one. Announcing that you watch Little Mermaid definitely states the manliness you have, absolute zilch. Baekhyun laughs awkwardly.

“Chanyeol-ah.” He mutters, staring down at his feet. His cheeks are turning into tomatoes. He can feel it. Oh, the embarrassment of it all.

Chanyeol chuckles and runs a hand through his hair, “Why do you look so flushed Baekhyun-ah?” he teases, poking the other’s cheek.

Oh hell no. No, Chanyeol don’t do that. I am going to turn into a tomato at this rate. And then people will start believing that Bacon and Tomatoes go well together and oh no—

Popcorn munching is heard behind them. Turning around, Baekhyun stares mortified as the two maknaes of the company watch them, slightly sniggering.

“The Princess blushes and bows her head in modesty as the Prince slowly bows to kiss her on the head—” Jongin seems really into his story-telling and Sehun is chortling at the side.

Child abuse is not allowed? Not in Baekhyun’s book. Kicking Jongin and Sehun to Uranus did not sound like a bad idea. However, Joonmyun beats him to it.

“OI!” Joonmyun screeches as he stares at the two, who are now carelessly dropping crumbs on the white carpet, “GET YOUR BUTTS OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.”

Baekhyun watches on, rather amused, as Joonmyun chases the two out with a feather duster in his hand. Kyungsoo however, looks slightly appalled at what was happening. The kid will learn. Hopefully. If he didn’t, Baekhyun is going to be slightly worried about what Kyungsoo is going to find out later.

The door slams open again, and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. Jongin and Sehun just don’t learn do they? Baekhyun is pretty sure that the message that they are not welcomed here is quite clear—

Baekhyun finds himself on the ground as a force hits him, making him sprawl onto the ground. Baekhyun groans. Carpet burn is the most painful thing life has created. Then again, stepping on Lego is perhaps more fatal.

Baekhyun stares up at the person that has just knocked him down and sees himself staring into eyes that have bags almost like the black fur around that of a panda.  Assassin has arrived, he thinks drily. Said assassin then shoots Baekhyun a smile, which Baekhyun thinks looks awfully warped on a face like his.

“Hello oppa!”

Baekhyun faints. The stress is all too much.

-

The silence that sets is the direct result of Zitao’s (grand and illiterate, ‘I can Korean well’) entrance.

Perched atop his throne of flattened Byun Baekhyun, he raises his perfectly-plucked (he denies it is so, but it’s obvious he’s had them done) eyebrows at the others in the room who were sending him various shock-filled expression. The effect is immediate; eye contact makes Chanyeol squeak in fear, and that wide-eyed man shrink in on himself—

Wait.

A wide-eyed man? Zitao remembers no such figure in the office of Buffalo Law & Co, and so the metaphorical red flags of warning immediately raise in his mind and, with no further ado he leaps off his throne and tackles the other to the ground like a toddler to their favourite toy, guns blazing –

Quite literally, too. Zitao has a shiny black baby hanging form his hips that he has always wanted to whip out, and it just so happens that this is the perfect opportunity. Gun pressed firmly against the wide-eyed man’s head, he demands an explanation in the most threatening tone known to man-kind.

“Who are you? Speak.”

The man makes a sort of noise that’s halfway between a whimper of an injured puppy and a squawking bird.

“I’mKyungsoodon’tkillmepleaseIdidn’tmeantokillmyhamster.”

Zitao lets out a scandalised gasp. “You killed your hamster?”

The other can only give a timid nod of affirmation.

“You monster!” the martial artist gasps dramatically, hand daintily flying to his gaping mouth in shock and distress. He pretends to swoon and faint, but when it’s clear that no one is behind him ready to catch him should he fall, he stops the pretend act and instead scowls.

“Alright, mister. It’s off to the detention centre with you.”

Grasping the comparatively smaller man’s wrist with a vice-like grip honed by years of wushu training and cake hoarding (No one touches Huang Zitao’s cake. No one.) he is about to cart the other off when the door flies open (it had swung shut after Zitao had entered, somehow or another) and in comes Joonmyun, waving a bottle of what seems to be some sort of alcohol above his head and riding on top of a certain forgetful lawyer’s shoulders.

“Halt, thy thieving thief!” the janitor proclaims, swaying dangerously.

“Thieving thief.” Yixing echoes with a weak fist pump in the air, before he adapts an expression of shock and stares at a certain point on the carpet. “That shade of brown is almost like that of my mother’s poo on Christmas day two years ago.” He mutters to himself, before kneeling down (Joonmyun nearly falls off, but fortunately for him he manages to right himself) and analysing the many shades in the aspect of office décor.

Zitao ignores Yixing. He has come to realise that if he wants to actually remain sane during the rest of his employed time in the office, it’s in his best interests to ignore the other when able to. “Thief? What exactly have I stolen?” he asks, though it’s almost a threat; the gun is still in his grasp.

Joonmyun shrugs. “I dunno. Just felt like using alliteration.”

A bullet suddenly finds its way lodged in firmly in the wall behind Joonmyun at a point scarily close to his head.

“Oops, my hand slipped!” Zitao mentions cheerfully (cheerful by Zitao’s standards is basically the equivalent to the devil cackling and rolling on the floor like a deranged animal), popping the safety back on and shoving the gun back into his pocket.

“You’d better not do that.” Yixing mentions, glancing up from the fine threads of the carpet. “You might blow off your buttocks, then you will have an arse as flat as Sehun-ah’s.” he intones.

Zitao pauses, mildly disturbed. He has a feeling he’s going to regret it, but he asks anyway. “How do you know how… flat his arse is?”

“I smacked it obviously.” Yixing informs.

Joonmyun falls off his shoulders.

Zitao makes a noise that’s eerily close to that of a walrus coughing.

Baekhyun is unconscious, Chanyeol is… tending to Baekhyun (if rambling “Wake up, Bacon! Wait, bacon can’t wake up for it is meat… am I calling Baekhyun meat? Do we eat Baekhyun as Bacon? Is the population of the world cannibals? No, that’s illegal isn’t it? I don’t want to go to jail! But I’m a prosecutor… so I would put myself in jail? I don’t want to do that! But I can’t be biased towards myself either…” counts as tending, then sure) and Kyungsoo is probably judging the whole lot of them from behind his impossibly wide eyes.

“You smacked Sehun’s arse?”

Yixing nods. “The voices were telling me to.”

“Yixing-ge, you can’t always follow what the voices tell you to do.” Zitao says in a sort of scolding tone.

“But… they offered me needle and thread.”

The security guard stared blankly at the man. “What.” 

Yixing brushed his hair off to the side, gave a small strength-free shrug. “I need it okay. I must finish the donkey costume I am making in time for the next staff evaluation meeting.” He pauses, before turning to Kyungsoo with hopeful eyes. “Would you like to be the arse of an ?”

Zitao almost gets whiplash, it’s with so much force that he turns to face the shorter man whom he has forgotten about. “I’m afraid you can’t use him as a , Yixing-ge,” he says in a placating manner, “he’s an intruder.”

The wide-eyed man opens his mouth to respond “No, I’m—“

“HUSH, CHILD.” Zitao holds up a palm, slams the other over the other’s mouth. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything and everything you say shall be used against you in the court of law.”

Joonmyun, from his place on the floor looks up with a hand held against his head. In his fall he had managed to avoid hitting his head on the very ground his steed had been so engrossed in, but it seems the effects of drinking alcohol so early in the day is finally catching up with him, if the pasty green hue to his face is any indication.

“Actually, that’s what I wanted to speak to you about.” He manages to sound out. “Kyungsoo’s the new intern. He’s also your hyung, not your oppa,” he stresses, even though it’s a lost cause. Some days Zitao’s Korean is passable, other times it seems like he forgets everything he has learnt and he’ll revert back to the state he had been when he had first arrived at the law firm.

Zitao scrutinises the man for a while. “You. You’re older than me? That is unacceptable, and punishable by death.”

Kyungsoo gulps.

“Just kidding.” Except. Judging by the expression on Zitao’s face there's a very real possibility that he isn't joking.

“It’s… nice to meet you.” The intern would bow, if only he were able to.

Zitao gives a cursory nod. “Can’t say the same to you.”

Joonmyun chooses this chance to throw up (hey, now Yixing has yet another thing to compare the hue of the carpet with!), Baekhyun wakes up and the door bursts open and in tumbles Jongin and Sehun, the former shrieking at the top of his lungs—

“EVERYONE, THE CHANDELIER FELL AGAIN!”

-

“We are here today, to solemnly farewell one of our very close friends—”

Baekhyun makes a sound that is halfway between a wail and cry before burying his face into the shirt of Chanyeol. Chanyeol pats the former’s back, a look of regret cast across his face. Yixing continues on as if he did not hear anything at all.

“—and to show him to the next stage of his life. We pray that he will find himself the peace that he deserves to receive. We hope that wherever he is now, he will receive the utmost care and love.” Yixing shields his eyes by ducking his head, and the other ten members quickly follow suite.

“Let us pray.” A silence follows that progressively becomes more awkward as it prolongs.

“Ahem.”

The other members blink. “Where is the prayer?” Minseok asks, slightly miffed at what is happening. Yixing shoots him a smile. “Didn’t you hear the Voices singing it out for us?”

Everyone decides that it is probably best not to answer that. Even if they did try to voice out anything about the stupidity of it all, Yixing will strongly deny any statement of ‘there is no such thing as Voices’.  Yixing then resumes the solemn expression that he had before.

“Now, we shall have volunteers to come up and talk about their memories of the deceased,” Yixing announces before staring expectantly at the audience. A hand is raised amongst the multiple heads and Yixing nods at him.

“Excellent. Now, please welcome up our Panda Assassin—”

“Proper wording please Yixing, I am not someone that assassinates pandas—”

“—to the speaking desk for him to say farewell to the deceased.”

Tao shoots Yixing a scathing look, but the latter does not notice and instead stares dreamily up at the roof. Tao coughs before making his way up to the grand speaking desk (read: a chair). He whips out his little script before gazing at everyone in the audience.

“Dear oppas.” he starts quietly. Joonmyun facepalms at the statement. Tao continues.

“As you should know, we are gathered here to farewell one of our close comrades. Though he hasn’t been here with us for long—” Tao’s bottom lip starts to tremble, but he continues on, “He will forever be in our hearts. Though I only knew him a short while ago and tried to get him kicked out, I didn’t know just how much he would have contributed,” A small hiccup, “to our family.”

It is about now when Tao breaks down in tears, howling in sorrow and snot flowing down from his nose in a very attractive fashion. Luhan is the one that has to coax him out of his wailing form by handing him a panda lolly. It is then decided that, it would be best for Tao not to continue, and the guard is led back down to the audience seating.

Joonmyun jabs Yixing in the side to continue. It is only then that the former realises that the latter has fallen asleep, and is snoring quite contently in the corner. Joonmyun sighs and gets up instead to continue the ceremony.

“Now, Baekhyun’s turn.” Yes, everyone, applaud Joonmyun’s wonderful funeral-holding speech skills. It is absolutely amazing.

Baekhyun stands shakily on his feet and makes his way to the chair, swaying slightly before clearing his throat and looking at the audience gravely.

“He—” Baekhyun starts before clearing his throat and sniffing. The sniff comes out as a pig snort, but even Sehun knows not to laugh in this grave situation.

“I am sorry for underestimating your intelligence,” Baekhyun finally says, wiping his eyes with his sleeves, “I am sorry that I thought you were slow. When you first came here, I seriously believed that you wouldn’t be as bright as the others. But, I was wrong. You are probably the brightest one out of all of us.” He then departs from the seat with his head bowed down, shoulders shaking. Chanyeol wraps him into a bear hug.

“Jongin.” Joonmyun calls, and the tanned male steps up to the speaking chair. He takes a deep breath before he starts, his voice quivering softly.

“I was the first one to meet you I guess, since I am the receptionist, so I was with you since day one. From that day on, I knew that there was something special about you. This may sound cheesy, but you lighted up my way the moment you came. I just want to say—” He takes a shuddering breath that wracks his whole body, “I—”

“What the hell are you guys doing?”

Eleven sets of eyes turn to stare at the one who interrupted their funeral. Kyungsoo stares right back, absolutely baffled as of why everyone looks so sullen and depressed. Baekhyun is crying his eyes out at this rate.

“We are holding a funeral for the chandelier. Would you like to join us Kyungsoo?” It seems like Yixing has finally woken up, and is grinning from ear to ear at Kyungsoo.

 “Oh.”

“It’s a tragedy,” Jongdae weeps, “that chandelier was the brightest one of all of the lights in our offices. Now that it’s gone, all humanity is doomed. We will never see the light again, and die slow, painful, agonising deaths—”

“Well,” Kyungsoo smoothly interrupts, “While you guys are dying your slow, painful and agonising deaths, I am going to steal the kitchen to cook some food. I am absolutely famished.” Kyungsoo takes a glance at the clock before turning back to the others, “Tell me if the food in heaven is better than what I cook.” With that, Kyungsoo waltzes out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Chanyeol stares after him, as the others. “Well this a bit of a dilemma,” he finally says, giving the chandelier that’s in front of them a forlorn look, “Should we continue the funeral or go have Kyungsoo’s cooking?”

Someone’s stomach rumbles. Tao puts his hand up, “I say Kyungsoo.”

Minseok blinks at him, “But Zitao-ah, everyone has to have a say—”

Tao narrows his eyes and everyone’s pretty sure that the sky just became a shade darker.

“My stomach says freaking Kyungsoo.”

Minseok whimpers pathetically.

Tao glares at everyone, as if daring someone, anyone defy him. When it is obvious that no one has any plan to go against his plan on obtaining food, his face broke out into a huge, childish smile.

“Awesome. Off to the kitchen!” He takes a step forward and steps on the chandelier, resulting into a resounding crack that echoes in the room. Everyone else cringes.

Yixing coughs. “Um, I guess the service shall be shifted to next week.” Everyone nods in affirmation and Yixing gazes out of the door as well. A heavy blanket of awkward wraps itself around everyone.

“My stomach enzymes are calling for fuel.” Yixing suddenly announces before he goes prancing out the door, following Tao’s lead. Sehun stares at him.

“Why can’t he say ‘I am hungry’ like normal people?”

“Because he isn’t normal? He’s a unicorn apparently.” Jongin drawls, folding his speech into a paper aeroplane before flinging it like a missile, its destination Luhan’s head. It hits and Luhan glares at the former before reaching into his pocket

“Touché.” Sehun mutters, but Jongin is not there to listen to him anymore, now running away from Luhan who is holding a pocket knife with a Bambi imprinted on the base. Joonmyun just watches the scene unravel and sighs, faceplanting onto the table.

“I want to sleep.”

The only response he gets is a soccer ball to his head. Damn Minseok.

-

Some twenty minutes later, chaos erupts like a fart of a person who has not gone to the toilet in a very, very long time.

There’s screaming, there’s crying, there’s even someone posing with a peace sign taking a selca, ready to post onto Twitter with the caption “Typical work place day! ^_^” (That’s Jongdae, by the way). Only a few select people are eating their kimchi spaghetti like normal, sane individuals, and that’s – wait, mistake, no one’s eating like sane individuals cause they’re actually all crazy.

“This spaghetti looks like brains.”

“ARE WE EATING BRAINS?!”

“What, Kyungsoo cooked brains?!”

“I did not cook brains!”

“Everyone, he cooked brains!”

“How delightful.”

“Doesn’t matter anyway, Baozi is scarfing it down.”

“Yeah, but he scarfs ANYTHING down.”

“Good point.”

“MMRGF DFFGH NGGHH SCERRRF ERRFFFNERRRGHTHNNF DERGHHH!” Translation; I do not scarf everything down!”

“Yixing-hyung what are you doing.”

“I am feeding my friend. His name is Johnson Johnson. He’s British with a side of Leprechaun.”

The last straw snaps for Joonmyun when the not-quite-there defence lawyer begins to smile gently at a non-existent being supposedly seated next to him with a forkful of food, cooing “Ahh, the aeroplane is coming!” and consequently allowing the kimchi spaghetti to drop onto the floor.

“ALRIGHT, WISE-ASSES.” He snaps, standing up and placing his hands firmly on his (Creaky, pain-filled) hips. “Eat your food with minimal fuss, or shoo!” Only a janitor is able to fully appreciate how hard it is to clean up after slovenly men with the cleanliness of toddlers.

Everything stills before, with a cheeky smirk on his features Jongin proceeds to lift his leg up (“Damn, how flexible is he!” “He’s a dancer ain’t he.” “Ohhhhh.”), and slip off the shoe which resides on his foot.

“Guess what, Joonmyun-hyung.”

“What.” The janitor replies, somewhat warily.

It’s clearly the wrong thing to say, for the young receptionist then grins, and lobs the shoe at him.

“Shoe.” He says happily.

Shoo.

Shoe.

Jongin is proud.

" Author's Report "

Inspirited -

//crawls out from a rock. Hai guys. /looks at calendar. Woah. Where did those 10000 years go--/shot. Omfg guise. It's been forever. We actually had a little bit of drama with the chapter (actually, Chii did…) but here is the update. We are so sorry q n q . So, apparently Chii had writer's block for like a month, and when she actually managed to write up her part, the file turned corrupted. Yay. And she had to start over. But. BUT. BUT. BUT.
SHE WROTE TO ME 'HERE'S MY PART. IT SEEMS LIKE I DIDN’T HAVE WRITER'S BLOCK. I WAS JUST TOO LAZY." SOBS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THIS GIRL. /rant over. But, our next update will be much faster, so stay tuned <3

Chii -

//pushes Inspirited back under the rock// Heya. Guess what. This chapter is messed up and it's mainly because of me wahahaha-- you'll notice the formatting is a bit off today, I chopped up my end part and placed a sort of "Extra" at the start (WHAT APRIL FOOLS IS IT, I SWEAR THAT COULD HAPPEN LEGITIMATELY IN THE FIC VERSE ANYWAY) and... yeah I'm sorry the crappiness of this chapter is my fault don't blame Inspirited, she's a precious child who needs to change her clothes more <3 Also, please excuse any grammatical errors. Mozilla crashed when I was uploading so I had to re-format things, but... yeah I can't be bothered doing things properly sorry dears ;;