Please do read the A/N and Interclude in the previous update if you haven't.

The grey parts in this are flashbacks :)

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It’s all lies

 

hush  hush

 

Will it ever go away?

 

Cover your ears, close your eyes and bite your tongue.

 

The cries you don’t want to hear, the truth you refuse to believe and the screams you hold inside…

 

if you wait long enough, eventually they will all evaporate into the sea of fire.

 

Live, they say.

 

As if it was easy, as if the odds were in their favor.

 

Stay strong and move on.

 

Your hands shake and sanity is acquired by whispered encouragement running on empty, by the soft murmurs of prayers that everything’s going to be fine.

 

Say your heart is not broken and carry your wounds with your head held up high.

 

Find shelter behind the curtain of gunpowdered smoke.

 

Endure the pain and turn the other way.

 

Say that you’ll be alright.

 

 hush  hush

 

It’s the sound of lies.

 

***

 

To get up from one’s bed was and has never been the problem. That’s right; the problematic part wasn’t in the fluttering eyelids, the groggy mind or limbs of stiff bones, but in the day itself. Perhaps there were troubles awaiting, issues that were unavoidable and needed to be dealt with that one would find oneself wanting to stay buried underneath the covers for an eternity. Or at least half of it. The truth was harsh sometimes, with no sense of compassion it sprung onto people as it saw fit and rendered them into a pile of tears and cries. The truth was also definite, one of a kind and as unalterable as something could be. It was also valued like gold in people’s mouths, meant to be kept and never given in generous amount, it was an individual’s weakness and power at the same time.

 

Youngjae was often truthful. He didn’t particularly lie the times he wasn’t, but in desperate times it was hard to move forward if one didn’t stay clear from what was the truth.

 

Sometimes, it hurt less to lie…

 

… it’s easier to live embedded under a layer of twisted truth.

 

Youngjae let his eyes flutter shut, then opened them again and the process repeated itself until his vision cleared. His head hurt, thumping as if being knocked on from the inside. He placed his hand over his forehead and felt the heat transfer from skin to skin. His fever was gradually turning for the worse…

 

Just like everything else, he thought.

 

He pulled at the covers and sank further into the bed. Small beads of tears formed round the corner of his eyes as signs of exhaustion tugging aimlessly at his centre of gravity. Youngjae blinked them away and let them fall to soak and disappear into the material of his pillow. He took in one thing at the time, his eyes moved slowly from his old desk to jump between the shelves of his bookcase. Everything had stayed the same since he wiped it clear for a more independent life. His room felt without the music CDs in every corner and the clothes he used to lazily throw around. It was clean, empty yet somehow cramped. He hadn’t grown any bigger or taller since last, still the home of his teenage years felt small and different to the aging him.

 

He wondered how much had changed since then.

 

Faintly, he managed to pick up the sound of his mother roaming around in the kitchen and a forced smile spread on his chapped lips.

 

She was either preparing breakfast or soup for his wounded soul. And considering her reaction when he had showed up on the doorstep unannounced last night looking pale and ready to pass out, it must be the latter.

 

He struggled and drily swallowed the lump of guilt down his throat. He had hoped that his parents wouldn’t need to worry about him anymore. Not at this age. But there he was… he had flown like a moth out of the panels he had once helped to paint, out of Uijeongbu to the center of Seoul only to come back with clipped wings and have his parents tuck him in with words of great concern.

 

Youngjae shifted on the bed, and stared up at the ceiling, the two small glow stars he got for his exceptional behavior in 2^nd grade was still up there looking down at him like bright shining eyes. He remembered how he got them, but not how he managed to stuck them up there. So many times he thought of taking them down, but he always let them be because they were too far up for him to reach.

 

Or maybe he just never tried hard enough. Somewhere in the back of his mind – he wanted them there.

 

It was comforting to know that he could just look up and be allowed to hope.

 

For a short moment the truth could be whatever he blissfully believed it to be.

 

‘”Jae?” the younger looked up from where he sat on the floor and focused on Daehyun who was lying on the bed, arms tucked comfortably behind his head. “Why do you have stars up there?” the older boy asked while his eyes were trained on the plastic shaped cuts adorning the white ceiling.

 

Youngjae followed Daehyun’s line of sight and found himself thinking about something incredibly trivial for far too long.

 

Why indeed…

 

“Because if I only had one… I think it would be lonely.”

 

Daehyun’s lips curled into a small smile at that. “Is that so?”

 

It almost sounded sad.

 

“Daehyun-ah …” Youngjae moved closer to his bed, he straightened his back and rested his chin against the edge of the mattress. For a long moment he studied Daehyun’s profile and out of nowhere he started to feel completely bare. Like an open book for everyone to see that his gaze held nothing but longing. “Would you be lonely without me?”

 

The elder turned to the side so they were face to face and Youngjae held his breath.

 

He held it long enough to see the slight rush of confliction crossing over wide brown eyes — he held on to the seconds and made a wish.

 

“I don’t know – “

 

He wished for honesty…

 

Daehyun moved to lie on his side and inched closer until his breath gently brushed against Youngjae round cheeks. “But I think so.”

 

… and he believed that’s what he got.

 

Long fingers traced the contour of his left ear, and he stayed still as he observed the look of fascination in Daehyun’s eyes.

 

“You’re very cute” the elder breathed and tugged lightly as Youngjae’s earlobe causing a shy smile to dance along the younger’s lips. “Can I kiss you?”

 

It was one of the few times Youngjae stopped questioning everything around him and just went for it. Whatever it turned out to be. This time it was the new yet exciting churn in his stomach, the feeling of multi-colored wings flapping against his insides.

 

Pleasant and calm — like a silent night under the stars.

 

Youngjae lifted himself off the floor, the underside of his arms rested on the mattress and caused it to dip under his weight when he leaned closer. His lips brushed against Daehyun’s, a result of his onetime spurt of confidence that immediately melted into a pool goo when Daehyun’s hand went round the back of his neck and pulled him in to deepen the kiss.

 

A bite on his bottom lip and his breath hitched.

 

A languid swipe of Daehyun’s tongue against his and he conceded.

 

A look through half lidded magnetic eyes and he was a goner — in love.’

 

There was a knock on his door stirring him away from his thoughts. By its gentle sound Youngjae could tell that it was his mother standing on the other side, probably with a tray readily carrying a set of her homemade remedies. The door hinges creaked, not unpleasantly like they used to but rather soft and in a reassuring kind of way. If that even made any sense at all.

 

Youngjae turned to his side and intently through eyes he forced to stay open observed his mother’s every move.

 

“How are you feeling?” he thought her voice sounded like a ringing bell. A different one. It emitted warmth and Youngjae reached for it in solitude. She placed the tray on the night table and then went to sit by his side on the edge of the mattress. She then examined his fever by placing her hand on his forehead. “It has gone down a bit.” Her hand to affectionately brush his hair to the side. “You have been skipping meals haven’t you? Only studying hard and don’t even bother to cook for yourself. Maybe I should send you food every week.”

 

She was smiling down at him and Youngjae could only stare. A sudden wave of sadness washed over him and in an instant everything that had weighed down his heart seemed to come back to him all at once. He was drowning. He wanted badly to pour them out; he wanted to admit defeat and for once just be honest with himself and say the words out loud…

 

‘I’m unhappy’

 

But the rope round his throat tightened.

 

How could he ever admit he turned into a default being by something such as a broken heart?

 

How?

 

Just miles away there was another person whose voice clang like a ringing bell…

 

too clear for him to turn his back to

 

and far too enchanting for him to wonder if he’d ever be able to let go.

 

hush  hush

 

***

 

It had taken two days for the fuzziness I his head to subside and for the heat overall to lessen into a state that his mother deemed safe enough and thus allowed him to take the train back. So there he was clad in the same clothes he had on when he took off between an uncle whose head keep lolling from side to side and a lady who had yet to look up from her phone.

 

Youngjae clutched the bag of side-dishes his mother had packed down for him to his chest and stared vacantly at the ad in front of him.

 

‘You told me you loved me… the only thing I was interested in was to see to what extent you’d let the sentiment drive you’

 

So where was he? To which point had he allowed himself to be influenced by Daehyun and his soft smiles and feathery touches.

 

With an nth degree burn he had kept on flying.

 

Maybe he should have listened. While nursing a bleeding wound, he should have just turned around and fled in the opposite direction. He had hoped to cross the line and save not only himself but also the frightened soul deep in the open battlefield.

 

His feet stumbled over the gap between the train and the platform, torn whether to step down or not. But with the help of people rushing and pushing behind him he finally stood upright on solid ground. 

 

Youngjae spun on his feet momentarily disorientated due to his distracted mind. It took him a while, minutes even to figure which way to go. His feet were heavily scraping against the ground.

 

But he decided that he was going to be fine.

 

He had been walking around with one eye closed for so long…

 

and perhaps it was time for him to turn completely blind.

 

What do you call a handmade desire?

 

What’s a beat you force your heart to make?

 

A lie

 

***

 

Youngjae wasn’t surprised to find the apartment embedded in darkness when the door closed behind him. Silence hung like a heavy black cloud over the so called home and out of pure habit his eyes shifted to land on the door to Daehyun’s room.

 

If it was closed, he would have found solace in the belief that nothing was ever going to change.

 

Because naturally, it was always closed.

 

So what was he supposed to make of the small crack he could now see in front of him?

 

Was Daehyun in there? Did he forget? Or has it reached the state where he felt like he could let his guard down and…

 

“Where have you been?”

 

Youngjae jumped back at the grave voice booming through the darkness. He swallowed thickly and focused his eyes on the silhouette before him and slowly painted out the features of Jung Daehyun standing against the wall just outside his room.

 

He put his mother’s gift on the floor and felt the corner of his mouth lift in a wistful smile when he straightened himself again. He moved forward, just enough to be able to see a pair of tired eyes blinking back at him. “Were you worried?” his head tilted to the side in question.

 

 “No.” Daehyun’s gaze hardened. “No, I wasn’t. Why would I be?”

 

Youngjae nodded comprehensively “that’s what I thought,” he said and then took a step back.

 

He spun on his heels and walked light on his feet towards the kitchen. He moved slowly, his bones ached as if they had been through enough. The joints were rusty and worn out, cracking every now and then in the loud silence.

 

‘Of course, you’d know better than to miss me.’

 

He wanted to laugh at his old soul.

 

One box after another, he placed them neatly on the shelves in the refrigerator, his hand lingered on the handle and he was about to let it go to let it naturally close after him when it sudden slammed shut. And then before he knew it, his back was turned and pressed up against a cold surface.

 

“You make a mess and then you just ing leave,” Daehyun hissed and slammed his hand against the fridge right beside Youngjae’s head. “I found blood, Youngjae. ing —“

 

“You know, for someone so keen on drawing definite lines between us. You sure are quick in erasing them again.” His hands clenched by his sides, nails dug into sensitive palms. “First you tell me how much you don’t care about me and then—“he lifted his head to look straight into Daehyun’s eyes and he could see what a mess they truly were, “then you hold on to me as if you do. When you do that—“ his voice shook more than ever, “can you blame me for thinking that you actually want me?”

 

Wasn’t this too much? They were so close and Daehyun’s scent immediately filled his senses, rendering him weak in the knees. Why was it so hard to control himself? The power over his own body, had he lost it as well?

 

The other boy straightened himself and then ran a hand through his dishelmed brown locks. The eyes before Youngjae blinked repeatedly as if trying to grasp something he couldn’t really understand.

 

“You can’t blame me though.” Daehyun spoke. “I told you. From the very beginning I told you that you were going to get burned.”

 

Youngjae lips formed a brittle smile.

 

“I know.”

 

‘So why am I still here?’

 

‘He felt uneasy. His pulse raced and he felt far too much hatred for someone he didn’t even know. His feet itched to kick the leg under the table. It wasn’t healthy. Not at all

 

“Who was it?” Youngjae finally asked and didn’t even bother to hide the fact that he was staring.

 

“Hm?” Daehyun looked up from his cake as his tongue darted out to run over kissed bruised lips.

 

“Was it some random guy at the back or some girl you met in line while you made the order?”

 

The older of the two sighed and put down the spoon in his hand. “That’s none of your business, Jae.”

 

His teeth dug into his bottom lips. “You know what I feel about you though.” His eyes landed on the smooth tabletop. “And sometimes I feel like you’re doing this just to spite me.”

 

“Yeah?” Daehyun leaned back and folded his arms over his chest. “Well, I made it clear didn’t I? We are not going to be anything more than friends. So I’m not going to feel guilty Youngjae, no matter how you look at me.”

 

The younger lifted his gaze. He felt tired, he was already panting and gasping for air from all the running and preserving what he wasn’t even sure they shared. “I’m not going to wait for you forever, Daehyun. I’ll break at some point and then I’ll leave you behind.”

 

Something flashed over Daehyun’s eyes, but they have turned cold almost instantly leaving Youngjae to wonder if it happened at all.

 

The elder shrugged indifferently. “Then go. I don’t need you.”

 

“Liar.”

 

Daehyun smirked at that.

 

“It takes one to know one, doesn’t it?”’

 

‘Because I can’t help myself…

 

… I’m a fool who refuse to do the right thing.’

 

“I’m not struggling through this anymore, Daehyun,” his said and voice shook slightly as he tried to stand more firmly on his feet. “This is it. This is where I break.” He smiled dejectedly and looked away. “I’ll be out in week, maybe sooner if I can.”

 

Beautiful eyes widened in the dark. Bewildered and round they searched for Youngjae’s hidden ones. “What do you mean?” Daehyun took a step closer and took Younjae’s chin between his fingers and forced him to spare him a look. “Tell me.”

 

“I’m going. I'm not going to stay by you anymore.” The words had sounded so determined in his head, but when they finally passed his lips, they sounded nothing more than a mere broken whisper.

 

The grip on him tightened and if he didn’t know, if he didn’t believe that Daehyun didn’t care… he’d say that the other had for a fraction of a second looked angry… and somewhat lost.

 

“You can’t.” Daehyun stated and then his hand moved to gently cup Youngaje’s cheek. “You love me.”

 

This was it.

 

He could push through and say it now or forever commit to this emotional struggle.

 

“No, not anymore.”

 

Daehyun’s eyes narrowed.

 

“That’s not true.”

 

Youngjae pulled away from the elder’d touch and stepped to the side. “How can you tell? You’re not a liar are you?” he nodded his head slightly to himself, giving answers to his own questions. “Of course not, you have nothing to deny.”

 

He noticed the way Daehyun’s hands clenched into fists and for a moment felt some sort of satisfaction. He wrapped his arms around himself and searched to look into Daehyun’s eyes just to confirm his finality.

 

“For all the times I burdened you by saying that I love you, I’m sorry.”

 

That night he lied in bed and fought back the tears.

 

His sheets smelled like Daehyun.

 

And he was convinced he was insane.

 

‘I love you.’

 

‘No, not anymore.’

 

hush  hush

 

It’s all lies.

 

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This one is starting to get depressing to write. And I think the worst part is how I don't even know if it turned out the way I want it to.

I apoplogize for the long hiatus. I'm going to try to update every sunday from now on. (Probably gonna fail so hard at that but...)

It's like 2pm here so that's why this A/N might not make any sense at all ^^

I hope this was readable.

Thank you for reading

<3

Ivy