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"Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive what I perceive. Look, examine, experience and for just once Understand..."

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"Who are you to tell me that I am less than what I should be?"

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Jaejoong was sitting down on a hospital bed, starring out of the window. It was snowing. It felt like heavens were putting a nice white blanket over all the dirt and filthiness of this world, making it pure and clean again. Each snowflake was unique, each was important, because only together they formed a force that could turn the place into one from a fairytale. It was such a beautiful sight, so soothing that even if the cold made you shiver and tremble a little, you felt content, strange peacefulness filling you up. The sun was slowly rising from the east, its rays turning the snow crystals into diamonds. Light shined through the window and despite the glass blocking its way, Jaejoong could still feel the warmth, that not even the winter could stop. He was put out. Just a few hours ago, he felt like there was no tomorrow, like the world was better of without him, like there was nothing left worth fighting for. Now, he was looking in awe at this breathtaking picture, that nature could create so easily, making him feel deceived; like there was someone above, who was  laughing at him, teasing him with a fake promise of harmony and comfort, that he knew was just a part of illusion. Once the night comes, the place would turn into a dark chamber, imprisoning him inside, stripping away his hopes and desires and making him feel and helpless. Yet, right now, there were no invisible hands squeezing his insides nor the silent voices tormenting him; and so just for a moment he let himself be fooled, he let himself breathe freely. He closed his eyes, feeling the sun on his face, giving it a strange glow, that made him look like an angel.

Junsu and Yoochun were afraid to enter his room, but they knew there was no running away from this so Micky hesistently opened the door, the situation reminding him of what happened yesterday. They carefully came in and breathed a sight of relief when they saw him sitting on the bed. At first, he didn't acknowledge their presence and they exchanged a worried look, not knowing what to say or do but it took just a few seconds for him to turn around and smile. He was back to his usual self, acting like nothing happened and he was totally fine. Micky just starred, unable to say anything. The incident has shook him too much and now, he was  at loss when it came to his hyung. 

"Are you alright?" Junsu broke the silence.

"Of course, I am. Why wouldn't I be?" 

"Hyung..."

"I was just clumsy, really. Just a small accident..." The smile has never left his face and Junsu started to get teary-eyed. There was a short awkward silence and then Yoochun exploded.

"Just a small accident?" a dry laugh escaped him.

"JUST A SMALL ACCIDENT? Are you f******* kidding me? Do you know how we felt when we found you, because yeah, in case you don't know, it was US, that discovered you, with your wrists sliced open bleeding all over your kitchen floor? You looked dead, Jaejoong. DEAD. And I have never felt like that before. I don't know even now how to describe that dreadful feeling I've got; just the possibility of you dieing made me sick and do you know what was the worst of it all? That, in case you didn't make it, I felt like I would not be able to go on. You weren't killing just yourself, Jae, you were killing me, too. Have you thought of that? Has it even crossed your mind how would the ones left behind feel? How guilty and lonely, I would feel? If you don't have the strenght to live, why do you assume I do? Especially, if you are not by my side to help me up when I fall? So you listen to me. You will never ever do something like that again, you hear? Because I swear, if you do, I will follow right after you and what happens next, won't be pretty."

Jaejoong looked like someone has slapped him. Yoochun was right. He hasn't thought about them but it was because he was sure, they would be fine without him. Seeing both of them so upset has made him feel ashamed, but what Micky just said... that was totally unexpected and a little alarming.

"I'm sorry... but Yoochun-ah, this is my stupidity, my mistake so don't you dare talk like that ever again. Even if I was to die, whether by my own hands or an other accident, you absolutely cannot follow me. You may not believe it, but you are stronger than me and you can make it. Even without me, you still have each other, but if you left, too, who will be there for Junsu? You can't do that to him."

"Shut up! So I can't do it to him, but you can do it to us? What nonsense are you blabbering about? I love Junsu just as much as I love you! The only difference is, I love you as a brother while I love Junsu as a man, but the love itself is still the same. You two are the most important people in my life and I can't... no, I refuse to live without any of you!"

"Why would you even do it, hyung?" Suddenly, Junsu asked the one question, that was like a sword of damocles hanging over their heads.

Jaejoong shifted his gaze.

"I... I don't know. I just felt so depressed lately and I've seen some comments on the internet and just like that, I thought... why not?"

"Ah, Jaejoong-hyung." Junsu sat beside him and gave him a hug, breaking into tears. Yoochun did the same, and all three of them lost themselves in the embrace, seeking the warmth and comfort from each other.

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Changmin was taking a shower after the practice and Yunho was making something to eat. The TV was turn on just for the background noise, he wasn't really paying attention to it. When suddenly he heard something, that made his eyes glued to the monitor, his heart beating fast.

"We were informed the past member of a popular boy group DBSK and a current member of JYJ, Kim Jaejoong has attempted to commit suicide. He was brought to a hospital late at night  in a critical state but  his condition was confirmed to be stable as for now. Our sources say, it was the two other members of JYJ, Xiah Junsu and Park Yoochun who found him in his apartment. There is no explanation why he decided to end his life. Some speculate it's the result of being under a constant attact of saesang fans as well as stressful lifestyle. His agency has not made a statement regarding this issue, yet. Continue to watch our station for more new information."

Yunho was absent-minded when Changmin entered the room, drying his hair with a towel.

"Hey... what's up with you?"

"They said, he attempted to commit suicide, Changmin. I can't believe he really tried to kill himself." He replied quietly, still in daze.

Changmin froze.

"Who?"

"Jaejoong."

Changmin eyes widen in suprise, the towel dropped from his hands to a floor.

"JAEJOONG?"

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to be continued