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"The death is harder on those who are left behind."

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When a loss hits us,
we have not only the particular loss to mourn
but also the shattered beliefs and assumptions
of what life should be.
These life beliefs must be mourned separately.
Sometimes we must grieve for them first.
We can't grieve the loss if we are in the midst of
"It's not supposed to happen this way" . . .
We intellectually know that bad things happen ~
but to other people, not us,
and certainly not in the world we assumed we were living in . . .
Your belief system needs to heal and regroup as much as your soul does.
You must start to rebuild a new belief system from the foundation up,
one that has room for the realities of life
and still offers safety and hope for a different life:
a belief system that will ultimately have a beauty of its own
to be discovered with life and loss.
Think of a lifeless forest in which a small plant
pushes its head upward, out of the ruin.
In our grief process, we are moving into life from death,
without denying the devastation that came before.

-- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

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Junsu and Yoochun decided to suprise Jaejoong and come visit him with a lot of booze and snacks. They haven't met him recently and they both felt guilty about it. Jaejoong was very emotional and he easily felt lonely. It sometimes bothered them, how fixated and dependant he was of them but they could hardly hate him for loving them so much. It was his personality, that has helped them so many times in the past, because it was him who always remembered to call or send a message, he was always there when they needed him and he always understood them. Even if they haven't told him everything, he could somehow see through them. His empathy was on a totally different level than most people. He could really feel, what they felt; it was never a fake pretense to make them feel better; it was obvious, he was genuinely hurting with them. That's why it became hard to see him lately. They were both stressed and they were afraid of passing the negative emotions on him. He seemed to be pretty depressed himself and they didn't want to make things even worse for him. However, he just released his solo album and that called for a celebration. 

They were standing in front of his apartment, waiting for him to come open the door but there was no response from the inside and they were a little puzzled by it. 

"Are you sure, that he doesn't have any schedule tonight?" asked Micky.

"Yeah, I called manager hyung and he confirmed he is free."

"Do you think he went somewhere?"

"I don't know... I don't think so... You know, he doesn't go out that much."

"Let's just go in and wait for him then. Maybe he just went to buy something."

"Okay."

Micky pulled out his reserve key and opened the door.  Jaejoong gave it to both of them, just in case something happened. Once they were in, they could feel something strange... it was  dark and ominous and hard to describe... Their bad feeling was confirmed when they spotted him. It was a sight, that would forever stay engraved in their minds.  His deathly pale face, closed eyes.... and the blood. There was so much blood everywhere, it made their stomachs churn. They stood there, horrified and frozen. He looked dead and they were afraid of approaching him because right now, there was still hope.... if they came closer and found out, he wasn't breathing ... then it would mean.... Suprisingly it was Junsu who snapped out of his daze first. When it comes to loosing blood it's all about time and they couldn't afford to loose anymore of it. So he called an ambulance while he made his way to his hyung and he did everything according  to the instructions on the phone. Checked the pulse and the breathing, pressed on the wounds... he was like a robot, functioning only mechanically. Yoochun was still rooted to the spot. He couldn't move. This... this was so surreal. He hasn't seen that one coming at all and even if he could see Jaejoong right in front of him, it was still hard to believe, that his lovely and kind and thoughtful hyung would do something like this. He has never been more scared, more frighten. 

"Is he alive?" He asked, his voice trembling. Junsu looked at him with such a hollow expression, it made his heart drop.

"Barely."

"I... I'm gonna be sick." He run to the bathroom and started vomiting. He and Jaejoong were soulmates, they understood each other so well... at least, that's what he has thought, but he failed him. He failed as a friend and now Jaejoong was paying for it. His insides twisted and even after he threw up everything, that he could, he still felt sick and confined; guilt pressing down on his lungs, making him choke.

The ambulance came fast and the medics hurriedly took Jaejoong away but since both, Junsu and Micky, looked almost as bad as him, the medics gave them sedatives and took them to the hospital as well. That's the saddest thing about suicide. It's not just about ending your life... it's about taking some of your friends and relatives with you. 

~ The next day ~

Micky and Junsu woke up in the hospital. For a brief moment, they were confused why they were there, then it all came back... the memory, that will haunt them for the rest of their lives. The doctor came in and they didn't need to ask, he knew what they were worried about.

"He will live."

If you asked someone, what are the three most powerful and beautiful words someone could tell you, he would probably answer "I love you" or "I need you" or something along these lines but for Yoochun and Junsu, those three words, that just left doctor's mouth meant the world to them. They never felt more happy, more relieved... not when, they won a first place, not when they stood on a stage, not when the trials finally came to an end but "he will live"... that's all they needed to hear, that's all they needed to know...

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to be continued