Ji Yong sat up and rubbed his eyes. He was sore and felt like he had barely gotten any sleep. He doubted he did. The sun was just starting to set and some rays fell on his face, making him uncomfortably warm. After getting up and going to the bathroom, he was faced with the same mirror as yesterday hanging in the same place on the wall. He noticed the color was drained from his face, making him look like a bed sheet, and there were even darker circles under his eyes then yesterday.
            "Great, just what I needed to start the rest of my day..." Ji Yong mumbled as he shuffled out his door. He reached the kitchen and saw Seungri and Tae Yang eating. Practice must have ended early, but Ji Yong didn’t quite know. He couldn’t tell what the time was.
            "Hey Ji Ya, how’re ya feeling?" Tae Yang looked up from his food, which was rare.
            "Like crap..." Ji Yong sat down and sighed.
            "What happened to you?" Seungri asked.
            "I just got sick. That's all."
            "Uck. Well make sure you get better." he smiled as if everything would really be alright.
            "I'll try. I just really need to prepare a lot for everything coming up, and I have to get ready for the albums in Japan and in Korea, and-"
            "Ji Yong, practicing and working might be the worst thing for you right now." Tae Yang interrupted. "Concentrate on getting better, and then work hard. We need our fearless leader back to health soon."
            Ji Yong nodded and hid under his fake smile again. "I'll keep that in mind."
            I wish fearless was one of the words that described me...
            "Look who's awake." Daesung and Seung Hyun joined the rest in the kitchen. They were obviously still worn out from the practice earlier, but they had freshened up.
            "Feeling any better?" the older one asked, looking at the sick boy who nodded back.
            "I think..." Ji Yong tried to smile again. The more he smiled, the harder he felt it was.
            "That's good. Just relax for a while. You'll be better in no time." Seung Hyun told him reassuringly.
            Ji Yong nodded and stood up, his stomach lurching. "I'm gonna go back and try to get some more sleep. Maybe it’ll help me feel even better." He lied as he trudged up the stairs tiredly. He didn’t want to show how sick he was in front of his group mates.

            Once Ji Yong was out of earshot, Seungri looked at everyone at the table. "Does anyone else think that something else is happening with Ji Ya? He doesn't seem like himself and not just because he's sick. It’s something else…"
            All of them just nodded in response and thought.

“Could it still be the incident?” Daesung thought out loud, but in a hushed, somber kind of way. He had been really concerned when he heard the news about it.
            "I'll go up and talk to him." Seung Hyun stood up quickly and went to Ji Yong's room. He wanted to be the one to talk to the leader. They had a very close friendship and told each other just about anything. After tapping on the door a couple of times, there was no response, which was extremely unusual for the leader. He almost always had his door open or opened it immediately.
            "Ji Ya?" He asked as he opened the door. "Where is he?" He asked to himself, noticing his friend wasn't where he could see. He was sure he had come to his room.
            "Hyung-a..." Seung Hyun could hear Ji Yong faintly. His voice came from the bathroom. He heard slight gagging and rushed over. His friend was stationed at the toilet, clutching his stomach. The older boy patted Ji Yong’s back, not quite knowing what he should do. The nausea finally passed, and Ji Yong sat up. He looked at his friend silently, and he stared back. The feelings of the two seemed to pass through to the other. Ji Yong recognized worry, and Seung Hyun recognized pain.
            What's going on with me?! Ji Yong wanted to cry and hug his friend, but he knew he would be pushed away. Seung Hyun had never much liked to be touched and wasn’t fond of too much intimacy.
            "Are you ok?" Seung Hyun interrupted his thoughts.
            "I'm alright now. I just don't really know what it is. Maybe something I ate..." he thought back to the take-out Tae Yang brought him the day before, realizing that was the only thing he had to eat recently.
            "I don’t mean your stomach. What else is wrong?"
            "Didn't you ask me that yesterday?"
            "Everyone else is curious about it too. Something else is bothering you."
            Is it that obvious that I’m feeling this pitiful? Ji Yong stood up, followed quickly by his friend.
            "Ji Ya, quit avoiding telling me. I know you were lying earlier. You were really sick so I didn’t want to pressure you, but now I have to know." Seung Hyun had a serious look on his face as he stared at his friend with his intense eyes. Damn, those eyes always made Ji Yong shiver.
            "Hyung-a, I'm alright, just sick." Ji Yong walked out of the bathroom and came face to face with his mirror. Something about what it was reflecting made him stop dead. Seung Hyun was behind him, looking perfectly fine and handsome without having to do virtually anything. He had a nice jaw line, broad chest, and well set facial features. Then there was him, standing there and looking pitiful. Even when he wasn't sick, he looked too pale, too thin, and just plain odd without anything special or cosmetic added.
            "Ji Yong," Seung Hyun came over to his friend and tried to see what he was seeing in the mirror. "Are you ok?"
            Ji Yong shook his head and sat on his bed, looking away from his friend.
            Sighing, Seung Hyun walked towards the door. "I'll get you some medicine ok?" he said, trying to change the subject momentarily.
            As he left, Ji Yong wiped tears from his eyes. Only his closest friend could break him down like that, make him say he wasn’t ok. How did Seung Hyun know these subtle things about him, like that he needed someone to talk to, or that he wasn't fine even when he said he was? He had tried so hard to put on his little cover and Seung Hyun saw right through it.
            Seung Hyun came back in and handed his friend a bottle with a pinkish liquid in it. "Here," He smiled a little. "That should calm your stomach down." he sat down on the bed beside him and stared at the wall like Ji Yong was doing.
            "Thanks." Ji Yong said quietly as he opened it.
            There was an uncomfortable silence between them as he took a sip from the bottle. He just wanted to blurt out everything that he felt and cry to his closest friend.
            "Ji Ya, what's wrong?" Seung Hyun looked at the tears in his friends eyes.
            Staying quiet for a second, Ji Yong tried to think how to phrase how he thought without it all just spilling out of his mouth.
            "Have you ever had something little and insignificant and in the past that doesn't really matter bug you?"
            There was a nod, urging him to go on.
            "It's like that I guess. I just don't feel like I'm worth all of the praise everyone gives me... I know I have some talents, but is it worth getting all this?" he asked referring to his job. "I'm not like you and everyone else. I can't look just about perfect doing everything." There was a small silence. Seung Hyun watched the tears well in Ji Yong's eyes. "I try so hard at practices, but I feel like I can't get anywhere doing it.” Ji Yong wiped his tears off his cheeks quickly, ashamed of letting anyone see him cry. “I guess the whole situation a couple of months ago really shook me up bad for me to think like this."
            "You know who I see right here?" Seung Hyun spoke softly as he poked his friend in the chest. "I see someone who is always cheerful and supportive of everyone, someone who can write songs that can affect anyone to the point of tears, someone who practices his hardest even if it'll kill him, someone who can defeat any news report that writes crap about him, and leads a big name music group. That person is pretty amazing, even if he doesn't think so, and I'm not saying this to flatter you or just to make you feel better. I'm saying it because it's one hundred thousand percent true."
            Ji Yong looked at his friend, almost stunned. "D-did you think all of that about me?"
            "Anyone who hangs out with you would." He replied, slightly embarrassed. Being sensitive and deep usually wasn’t his thing. "You rest some more. I need to go check on some things."
            Standing up, Seung Hyun took a last look at his baffled friend before leaving.
            If anyone in the band knew I liked him the way I do, it would almost instantly cause some chaos. It’s just my secret that I can never reveal to anyone, even Ji Yong. All I can do is help him in any way I can. He sighed sadly and walked to his room.
            Ji Yong sat motionless on his bed, thinking about the thing Seung Hyun has said about him. He seriously meant all of that, didn't he? He’s always so sweet to me. He couldn't help but smile at his weird friend.

••••••••

-Half a year ago-

“Yah, guys lets party up!”

BIGBANG was at a club just to relax. Many fans had been around them all night, which they hadn’t expected, but it was nice to hang out with them anyways. The night was filled with drinking and laughing and a light atmosphere. Ji Yong had to get away for just a moment, as he was slightly claustrophobic, and excused himself to go to the bathroom to freshen up. He was met by fan there and they talked for a while. After a minute, Ji Yong was offered a cigarette, and being polite, he accepted He had a smoke every once and a while just to calm his nerves. The fan left and he decided to go ahead and smoke. As he stood on the balcony, something felt funny about what he was smoking, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Deciding something was wrong with it, he put it out and walked back inside.

Two months later, the company was having all of their singers take a mandatory drug test. Ji Yong didn’t think anything of it and had the test taken. One day, when he was in practice, the company manager called him out.

“This is a serious issue,” He said when they were alone.”Your drug test came back, and they found traces of .”

Ji Yong was shocked. That couldn’t have been. He had never taken drugs like that in his life. Suddenly, he thought back to the cigarette given to him at the club. He quickly explained, the manager understood and believed him. Before the full story could get out, the media had grabbed hold of the initial information that Ji Yong had mad traces of and exploited the story to its fullest. Some places said that he took the drugs frequently, and some places even extended it as far as he might have been dealing drugs. Even when the real story from YG entertainment came out, people still believed different things.

Feeling out casted, Ji Yong shrunk back. He felt like all eyes were always on him, blaming him for what had happened. He couldn’t go places without people asking him about it. It hurt him that people would actually believe some of the gossip that went around. His confidence declined and, the situation scarred his heart. People at the company and BIGBANG helped him through it, but the scars were still there, and they still showed.
                                                                        ••••••••
            Seung Hyun made it back to the living room after thinking about Ji Yong for a while. The three others had the TV and were watching some kind of generic variety show, only half paying attention. They were all concerned about their leader/
            "What did he say?" Tae Yang asked as he noticed Seung Hyun. He turned the volume down on the TV so they could hear what he had to say.
            "Basically, he's low on self esteem." Seung Hyun sat down next to Daesung. "He doesn't feel like the work he does gets him anywhere, and he doesn't feel like he's worth being in BIGBANG. Ever since the thing, his confidence has just disappeared. It’s really unusual for him."
            "No way..." Seungri sighed. "He's one of the strongest leaders ever. It's a shame that he thinks like that. I didn’t think anything could ever bring him down."
            Tae Yang tried to think. "We need to do something for him."
            The rest nodded their heads in silent agreement.
            "Not something big, maybe just little compliments here and there or a night out. If he’s feeling well, the party tonight would be a great chance for him to relax."
            "That's a pretty good idea." Seungri smiled. "Just the kind of thing he needs."
            There was a silence as Ji Yong came to join them. He shuffled to the sofa and sat down.
            "Hey Ji Ya, you feeling any better?" Daesung asked.
            "A lot better actually. That medicine Hyung-a gave me helped. The nausea went away pretty quickly." he gave them a small smile to reassure them.
            "That's good. You’re actually looking better already too."
            In response, Ji Yong just nodded. Did Hyung-a tell them anything? I hope he didn't say much.
            "Are you feeling healthy enough to go to that party tonight? The invitation's still there." Seungri hoped his friend would cheer up if he went and had a few drinks.
            "Who all's going?"
            "Just us and a few other people from the company, including you if you agree."
            Ji Yong looked at his group mates and smiled.
            "I guess I'll go. I'm feeling well enough."
            He got high-fives from his friends as they cheered.
            "We better start getting ready. It's already 8."
            Everyone got up and went to their rooms to change. Ji Yong made sure to avoid his mirror as he changed. It was best if he didn’t get his good mood crushed by it. He changed into a plain outfit, just a Superman t-shirt and some skinny jeans.

Perhaps a night out might do me some good. It’s not like I go anywhere special on a regular basis.

            As soon as the group arrived at the club where the party was being held, Daesung ordered the first round of drinks for everyone. The club wasn’t an especially big or busy one, but the atmosphere of partying was still there. Groups of friends were already there having a good time. The guys walked over to an empty table and started chatting. Everyone laughed as Daesung brought the drinks for then and sang the song that was blaring out of the speakers.
            "Put your hands up and get your drinks up!"
            Ji Yong let out a small giggle at his friend's humor and took a sip out of the bottle that was put in front of him. He let all of the stress slide away as he watched his friends. Seung Hyun looked round the club at the girls that were there. As y or provocative as some of them were (or tried to be), none of them really appealed to him.
            "Hey, look over there." Tae Yang pointed to the dance floor at a girl that was enjoying time with friends. The light hit her just right, as if she might have been sent from heaven, according to him. He smirked. "I'm gonna talk to her." Quickly downing the rest of his drink, he walked away from the group and to the dance floor.
            "He's so crazy! We just got here and he's already hitting on someone." Seungri noted in amusement.
            Seung Hyun smirked and cast a side glance at Ji Yong, who seemed to be enjoying himself.
            That's a relief. Maybe going out and having some fun was all he needed.
            For some reason, his best friend seemed even more attractive than any of the girls there. For some reason, he had been thinking that a lot recently. No one could really ever compare to Ji Yong in any way to him.

            Time passed and before the guys realized it, their table was covered in empty soju and beer bottles. They were feeling a little more than tipsy.
            Daesung and Seungri were having a stare down as they poured each other drinks.
            "One shot!" Seungri suddenly exclaimed and drank his shot as fast as he could, with Daesung doing the same.
            Ji Yong looked at his friends and smiled. I'm happy that I came. This is pretty fun. I feel so much better when I’m with them.
            "Jiiii-Yaaaaa," Seung Hyun whined in a slurred way. "can I pleeeeasse have another drink?" he rested his head on his friend's shoulder and pouted like a child. Out of the whole group, he could drink them most, but always ended up like this.
            "No! You've had way too much already. Geez, if you could hear yourself now." Ji Yong laughed.
            "Pleeeease? I'll give you a kiss if you let me." Seung Hyun looked up at his friend who just rolled his eyes.
            He always gets this way when he's drunk... I’ve heard all of this before.
            "Hey Ji Ya, I have a secret to tell you."
            "Hmmm?" he shrugged, barely listening to his friend as he looked around.
            Seung Hyun sat up and whispered in his friend's ear. "I think I'm in love."
            "With who?" He has to be completely drunk to say that. He couldn’t even fall in love with the prettiest people. The younger boy assumed he would say something like his favorite food or start breaking out into a random rap. He did that a lot.
            "I think I’m in love with you."
            Ji Yong stared at his friend in partial shock. The look on his friend's face was completely serious. Though slowly, a big grin formed on his face.
            "You don't mean that."
            "I really do mean it." he grinned and leaned forward, pushing his lips quickly and sloppily against his friend's.
            "Whoa!" Seungri looked at them oddly from across the table.
            Ji Yong was so shocked that he fell out of the booth; his drunk friend fell right on top of him. He struggled to get out from under him, but Seung Hyun had a firm grasp on him. They got a few weirded out glances from other tables.
            "What was that?!" Daesung stared at them, as surprised as the victim. "I never knew you guys swung like that." he laughed, trying to lighten the situation.
            "Hyung-a, get off." Ji Yong blushed and tried getting up. His friend was too heavy. "You're drunk. You don't actually mean that."
            "I do mean it." Seung Hyun whispered, still visibly happy that he had kissed his friend. His breath reeked of alcohol so much so that Ji Yong turned his head away.
            "C’mon, get off." Ji Yong finally pushed him off to the side and got up.
            "Geez, Hyung is so weird when he's drunk." Seungri laughed as he watched Seung Hyun clumsily get off the floor and into his seat.
            "You're one to talk." Daesung rolled his eyes. "Last time you were drunk, you tried to make out with a telephone pole on our way home."
            Ji Yong laughed nervously and turned to look at Seung Hyun, who had managed to get another bottle of liquor. He poured two drinks and handed one to his friend.
            "Love shot!" He smiled at Ji Yong.
            Daesung and Seungri managed to hear, laughed and chanted, "love shot".
            Rolling his eyes, Ji Yong picked up his drink.
            "Oh, what the hell?" he smirked and crossed arms with Seung Hyun. They both drank their glasses and laughed at themselves.
            It doesn’t mean anything. We’re just drunk. It's just for fun, right?