1 Month Later

Ji Yong sat in the doctor’s office on top of the examination table, swinging his legs like a little kid. He looked out the window and waited for the doctor to come back in. It was late afternoon and traffic around the building was starting to pile up as the sun set.

He had been getting better, so what had happened? For three weeks, he had been his regular self. Everything had gone back to normal. But suddenly the thoughts came back to him even stronger. For two weeks, he didn’t eat a single thing and didn’t come out of his room. No drive to do anything. Numb to the outside world. All that was with him was his terrible thoughts. The only person he would let in was Seung Hyun, and even then he never said a word to him. He struggled to find comfort in his friend’s arms. Nothing would help.

Ji Yong cut himself. His thoughts overwhelmed him. He wanted them to stop, and they simply told him that wanting to die was the only way to do that. When Ji Yong didn’t open his door for him, Seung Hyun unlocked it from the outside and found him in the bathroom, razor in hand, blood on the floor, crying so hard he couldn’t breathe. Ji Yong begged his friends through tears not to take him to the hospital and they took care of his injury at the house. As soon as his manager found out about this though, he was whisked off to see a doctor.

Ji Yong sat up straight as the doctor opened the door. She gave a small empathetic smile before sitting down across from him.

“I’ve taken a look at your CAT scans,” She began, taking something out of a folder in her hand. She looked at him as if she was going to say something, but paused.

“Please just tell me plainly.” Ji Yong wanted to get this over with. It was bad enough that he was in this office.

“You have depression, but it is a very intense form caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. From what you told me, these thoughts come and go on a weekly basis. The cells that produce dopamine aren’t firing regularly, and when they do, it’s a very small amount. It’s strange though that you didn’t experience this during adolescence.” The doctor paused to see if Ji Yong looked like he understood. “It’s an internal issue, and it has nothing to do with your lifestyle. I’m going to give you a prescription for a medicine that can help unblock those cells so they can produce dopamine. It will take about three days of taking the medicine for it to really have an effect, but if you take it regularly, you should be feeling normal very soon.”

The doctor stood up and smiled again.

“Please take care of yourself. The nurse will give you your prescription and instructions from me on your way out.”

Ji Yong stood as she left and then walked out behind her. He looked at the floor, contemplating the words he just heard. Depression. It doesn’t feel like depression. I really don’t know what it feels like actually. Just… Numb.

            Looking up, Ji Yong saw Seung Hyun sitting in the small waiting room. He watched him look around nervously and fiddle with his hands. I’m sorry I made you worry. Don’t worry about me please. After picking up his prescription from the front counter, Ji Yong put on the lightest face he could and walked over to his friend.

            “Let’s go, Seung Hyun.” Ji Yong smiled. “I’m tired of this place already.”

            Seung Hyun stood up and smiled back at him. He hung his arm around Ji Yong’s shoulder and led him to the door.

            “How’d it go?” He asked once they were outside of ear reach of anyone. As much as he wanted to be alone with his boyfriend, they were always surrounded by people that could hear anything, and they had to head for their manager’s van.

            “Fine I guess.” Ji Yong quietly tucked the medicine in his pocket. Don’t worry about me. “Nothing I didn’t expect to hear.”

            They reached the elevator, and Seung Hyun clicked the call button. A few people on the wing looked at them and whispered to themselves. The waiting room was not too busy. Moms sat with their sick children. A few people sat for regular appointments. Luckily, there were no reporters trying to spy on the couple. The elevator came and the two walked in. It was calm and quiet when the doors closed. They were finally alone for the first time that day. Seung Hyun wrapped his arms around Ji Yong and laid his head on his shoulder. Biting his lip, Ji Yong looked aside at the wall.

            “Seung Hyun,” Ji Yong said quietly. “Anyone could come in.”

            “Well then let them. I just want to be able to spend a minute loving on you.”

The two of them stood like this as the elevator sank down to the parking garage. Ji Yong eventually relaxed, giving up the idea that Seung Hyun would let go. They were peaceful for the first time in that hectic week. Seung Hyun had been watching Ji Yong nonstop the past week to make sure he didn’t do anything reckless and had little rest. He felt more relaxed now that he had seen a doctor. Too soon, the elevator reached their floor, and Seung Hyun let go of his friend. They silently walked to their van where their manager was waiting.

••••••••

How is something this small supposed to help me?

Ji Yong shifted two pills around in his hand. He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, sighed, and put them in his mouth. They had a bad taste until he drank some water, sending them elsewhere. They better work. Ji Yong put on a jacket to cover his scarred wrist and walked out of his room. I don’t want this anymore.

“Where is everyone?” He asked Seung Hyun while coming down the stairs. “Was there a practice or something?”

“Nope, I really don’t know what they’re doing.” Seung Hyun sat at the kitchen table opening a small pile of fan mail. “They haven’t been here for a while. Are you doing alright?”

Nodding, Ji Yong opened up the fridge and pulled out some leftovers. He popped them in the microwave and sat next to Seung Hyun, looking on at the letters. The silence of the room was comforting to Ji Yong. It was a feeling of calm that he hadn’t felt in what seemed like forever. Ji Yong leaned his head on Seung Hyun and closed his eyes. For the first time that week, he felt comfortable around him.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Seung Hyun put down the paper in his hand. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

The microwave beeped.

“Yes I do. I’m messed up and you feel an obligation to help me. You shouldn’t worry about me.”

Seung Hyun looked at Ji Yong, disrupting their physical connection. He looked serious and a little upset. Figures he’s mad at me. I’m just annoying everyone with this in my head.

“Kwon Ji Yong, don’t ever say that again. I want to help you. I love you no matter what you think of yourself. I’ll worry about you as much as I want, got that?”

Speechless, Ji Yong looked away from him. He felt tears well up in his eyes. Was Seung Hyun really serious? The tone of his voice was pretty convincing. Seung Hyun ran his hand through his hair and watched the boy in front of him. He won’t listen to this. I just want you to be happy, Ji Yong. Seung Hyun cupped Ji Yong’s face in his hands and wiped the tears from his eyes.

“I love you. Remember that.”

Ji Yong was pulled into a warm kiss which shocked him. They hadn’t kissed since the night they confessed their love. He didn’t think Seung Hyun would be the one to initiate a kiss either. Closing his eyes, Ji Yong gave in and began to kiss him back. Seung Hyun’s lips were soft and sweet, and the touch of his skin sent shivers down Ji Yong’s back.

“Seung Hyun,” Ji Yong whispered on his lips.

The two looked each other in the eyes, and he immediately forgot what he was going to say. Seung Hyun’s presence overwhelmed him. His dark eyes were somehow both intimidating and inviting. Smiling, Ji Yong kissed him back and wrapped his arms around his neck. Tears ran down his cheeks, but he held onto Seung Hyun tightly, never wanting to let go. He felt too many emotions at once, and it scared him. It excited him. Seung Hyun kissed him back, pulling him into his lap. He cradled him as he cried. Slowly, Seung Hyun pulled away from the kiss as Ji Yong’s sobs became heavier. They stayed like this as Ji Yong cried to let out every emotion. He ignored everything he heard in his head and concentrated on the man holding him.

He’s showing emotion, at least. That’s a good thing isn’t it?  Seung Hyun asked himself. When he visited Ji Yong the past week, he never showed anything about how he felt. He just laid there, barely even breathing. As he held him, Seung Hyun noticed how thin Ji Yong had been getting. Take care of yourself better Ji…

“S-Seung Hyun,” Ji Yong’s words were shaken with sobs. “Will you stay with me?”

“Until you die, Ji Yong.” He kissed Ji Yong’s cheek and wiped his tears away. “I’ll stay even if you don’t want me anymore.”

••••••••

“Augh, why is this so difficult?!” Ji Yong paced furiously in his room, running his hands through his hair. “It’s only one sentence. Why can’t I just tell them?”

Seung Hyun watched his friend, smiling slightly at his frustration. They were planning to tell the rest of the group officially that they were in a relationship, and even though it was Ji Yong’s idea initially, it was difficult for him. Of course, they both knew the things that could go wrong with this, but they were prepared.

“Instead of rehearsing a million and one times, just go out there and tell them.” Ji Yong collapsed on his bed next to Seung Hyun and moaned in despair. “It’s not as if they were your grandparents or something. They’re going to understand.”

Laying still, Ji Yong closed his eyes and tried to relax his breathing. He knew Seung Hyun was right, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell them. Seung Hyun laid a gentle hand on Ji Yong’s side.

“C’mon, it’s now or never.”

Begrudgingly, Ji Yong got up and followed his friend out the door. He held Seung Hyun’s hand timidly, but when they got in view of the others, he unclasped it quickly. The other three sat on the sofa watching TV, but gave Seung Hyun and Ji Yong side glances as they walked in. Suddenly, Ji Yong couldn’t breathe. He began sweating and tried to avoid eye contact. What if they didn’t accept him and Seung Hyun? What if he said something terribly wrong? What if they got mad?

“Guys,” Seung Hyun’s voice startled Ji Yong. “Our leader has something to tell you guys.”

Seungri and Tae Yang looked over, looking a little concerned. Maybe they thought it had something to do with Ji Yong’s state of mind. Daesung was different. He seemed to already know what Ji Yong was going to say before he said it. The encouraging look in his eye gave Ji Yong the courage to open his mouth.

“Umm I just wanted t-to say that s-Seung Hyun and I are d-dating.” Ji Yong looked down at his feet. “I wanted you all to know b-because it might affect the group. I hope you all can accept us.”

Ji Yong gave a ninety degree bow, still flustered over his words. Everyone’s reaction to the news was different. Daesung was calm. He had thought hard about their decision and decided to support his friends. Tae Yang had a confused look plastered on his face, contemplating every word Ji Yong had said. Seungri smiled, secretly wanting his two friends to be together. They deserved to be happy with each other.

“This won’t mean anything will change dramatically.” Seung Hyun added coolly. He put a bold finish to Ji Yong’s words. “All that has happened is that Ji Yong and I have romantic feelings for each other. It means nothing more than that.”

“Technically, this means you two are gay right?” Tae Yang said in a brash tone. Ji Yong bit his lip as the words stung him. He thought Tae Yang of all people would understand.

“I’d prefer to say I’m open to any gender. I can’t speak for Ji Yong because uality is different for every person.”

He’s done a lot of thinking about this. Ji Yong looked at his friend, now officially boyfriend. He thought about his ideals and past relationships and thoughts. I still can never tell what he thinks about. Seung Hyun’s a mystery that I can never crack, and I love him for that.

“I’m ok with you guys being in love.” Seungri smiled, finally chiming into the conversation. “It’s kind of cute.”

“I approve as well.” Daesung said quietly. He gave a small smile to Seung Hyun, appreciating his honesty before.

There was a long silence as everyone watched Tae Yang who was deep in thought. Ji Yong watched his shoes and shyly grabbed Seung Hyun’s hand, reconnecting them once more. Each second dragged on in his mind as the wheels turned in Tae Yang’s brain.

“If it makes you guys happy,” He finally said, looking up at his childhood friend. “I don’t want to be the one to get in the way of whatever you two have.”

Ji Yong looked Tae Yang in the eyes shyly and smiled, mouthing a quick thank you. He knew his friend’s ideals were very pure, and he didn’t like thinking about people’s uality. For him to agree on this was a huge thing to Ji Yong.

“Thank you all.” Ji Yong bowed once more and smiled timidly. He had conquered one big stepping stone.

••••••••

             In the dark, Seung Hyun’s presence was all Ji Yong could feel. His body pressed against the elder’s comfortably. Seung Hyun had fallen asleep hours ago, but Ji Yong stayed up memorizing this feeling and listening to the rain. The relaxed feeling of being in Seung Hyun’s arms was intoxicating. Ji Yong was protected from everything that went on in his head. Looking up at his boyfriends face, he soothingly tread his fingers through Seung Hyun’s hair. It was coarse and rough from repeated dying, but it smelled like his shampoo.

             “Ji Yong,” A low rumble came from Seung Hyun’s chest and he shifted in bed, wrapping his arms tighter around him. “You’re still up?”

             Nodding, the younger let himself close his eyes, feeling his heartbeat. He always loved to hear that tired voice, the deep expression of it. As Seung Hyun rubbed his back tenderly, Ji Yong could feel himself drifting into sleep.

             “Are you ok?” Seung Hyun asked as he was falling back into sleep. Ji Yong looked up at him and kissed his cheek in response. The elder smiled the most content smile the brunette had ever seen.

             Thank you Seung Hyun. You seem to fix me when I’m falling apart and that’s something that I can’t do myself. Thank you for staying with me. Please stay.

(I put an update on this chapter because it was too short to stand alone! I'm sorry it's still too short, bt it'll get really long and good and angsty soon. ^^)