Why do I have to think like this? I know there’s nothing wrong with me, but still...

            Ji Yong put a fresh shirt and dried his hair from the shower he had stepped out of a few minutes ago. His t-shirt smelled like the laundry detergent used at the dorm which he had always liked. It was kind of a comfort smell that he found comforting when he was stressed. The shower or the detergent smell hadn’t helped him to relax like he hoped it would. After daily practice, he had come home, completely worn out. Everyone had gone out to eat except him. They group was too lazy to make their own food normally. The dorm was completely silent like an eerie ghost town that had recently been abandoned. At times, Ji Yong found it was nice to be alone in silence, since he rarely got any time to himself or away from sound. Putting his towel in the laundry hamper, he walked back to the bathroom. It was pretty plain looking and by no means elegant; some toiletries were around the sink and beside that was a full length mirror. The mirror was surrounded by a frame and wasn’t any special kind of looking glass, but Ji Yong saw something different in it than anyone else would. He let out a depressed sigh and tried to tear his eyes away from the sight of his own frame.

            I hate thinking this way. It’s not healthy or productive to think about it. Why does it bother me so much?
            All he could see were the imperfections that seemed to cover his body. Without the makeup he usually wore for concerts or appearances or photo shoots, his face looked uneven in the lighting. His eyes looked dull and colorless and the dark circles under them revealed he was suffering from lack of sleep. Insomnia had been getting the best of him for the past few weeks. He felt almost too skinny compared to the others in the group who had healthy, muscular figures. Even if he worked hard at trying to build muscle definition, he never really changed.
            Stop thinking like an over obsessive girl! This isn’t normal for even me. What is wrong with me?!

            Ji Yong shook his head in frustration and left the room and entered to hallway, leaving the now empty mirror to stare at the wall again. Once downstairs and realizing how hungry he was, Ji Yong reached for a bag of chips in the cabinet and sat down at the table, lost in his thoughts. He stared out the light window emptily.
            Why do I think like that? I can't afford to get myself down like this when the group has a really important comeback soon, no matter what had happened. That thing isn’t important. It was just a mistake. It shouldn’t be bringing me down like this. Everyone makes mistakes. Ji Yong ate a few chips, but found that he had lost his appetite. Besides, the fans and my group mates forgave me. There are so many people who forgave me and love me for who I am on stage, but that's not the real me. I’m scared to show anyone what I really am, what I really feel.
            Ji Yong's thoughts were interrupted by a ruckus coming from the front door. He looked to see his friends smiling and laughing as they came in. They had clearly had a great time and were more likely a little tipsy.
            "Welcome back! How was the food?" Ji Yong met them in the living room and put on the fake smile he now usually used in front of them. It was great for hiding how hurt and worried he was on the inside.
            "Great! We brought you your favorite chicken stuff." Tae Yang grinned and tossed a carton of takeout across the room to him, which he caught with no problem.
            "Thanks," He opened the box and, noticing that it really was his favorite and it was still warm, began eating it quickly.
            "Seung Hyun, stop!" Sungri suddenly yelled, still at the entrance of the dorm. "Just because your drunk does not mean you can bully me!"
            The rest of the guys laughed at Seung Hyun. He had draped himself around Seungri who was having trouble supporting his older friend. He smiled in the goofy way that he usually did and leaned on Seungri even more.
            "Ugh just let me help you get up the stairs ok?" Seungri offered, stabling his drunken friend. Last time Seung Hyun had gone up the stairs by himself when he was drunk, he last lost his balance and almost injured himself and Daesung.
            Ji Yong watched all of this, amused, while eating his chicken and wondering how Seung Hyun could get so drunk just from eating out at lunchtime. He would get drunk all the time, but hardly even in the middle of the day. They must have had a REALLY good time there. Ji Yong finished his small meal and thanked them for getting it before bouncing back up the steps to his room. He had some ideas in mind for a new song which he wanted to get on paper before other thoughts overshadowed them. As he scribbled them down, Ji Yong felt glad that e could get something productive done, even if it was just a few lines of words. As he was getting into it and writing more and more, a tap on his door startled him.
            "Come in," He said quietly, looking up at his door.
            Seungri came through the door and flashed him a small smile. He had obviously dealt with Seung Hyun fairly easily. Helping him up the stairs when he was drunk was no small feat.
            "What's up?" Ji Yong asked, looking at him from his desk seat. He set his pen down and turned so he could look at his younger group mate.
            "I was just wondering if you were doing alright. You looked pretty spacey at the table earlier."
            Ji Yong smiled at the younger's concern. Seungri had always been so sweet and seemed to know if anything was bothering anyone. "I'm alright. I think I might be coming down with a cold or something though." He lied. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t been feeling too great that day. Maybe I really am getting sick.
            "Oh ok. Make sure you get some rest then." Seungri sighed. "You're working a little too hard nowadays. It’s ok to relax every once and a while."
            “I’ll keep that in mind.” Ji Yong nodded. I only work this hard to save me from myself and my thoughts, even if it doesn’t help.
            Seungri smiled again and left without another word. He walked to his room contemplating everything the leader had said. Something about his tone of voice made him worry. Something is going on with him but I can't tell what it is. I’m sure he had gotten over that stuff in the news…
            Ji Yong sighed and got up from his table. He laid down on his bed and let out a deep breath, as if it was going to be his last. Maybe Seungri’s right. I should get a little bit of rest. Closing his eyes, he felt himself slowly relax completely for the first time that week and fell asleep quickly, with the sun still shining into the room.

                                                                        ••••••••••
            "Does anyone know where my phone is?!" Seung Hyun yelled through the house, looking on the floors. He figured he must have dropped it last night, but it was a blur in his mind. He had searched all morning but had no luck.
            "Catch!" Ji Yong tossed his friend's phone to him and smirked. “I found it before you.”
            "Thanks. Where was it?" he was playfully sarcastic as he stuffed the phone in his pocket.
            "You dropped it on the floor last night when you were drunk off your ." He smiled slightly as he teased his friend.
            "Ji Ya, are you sick? You don’t look so good right now." Seung Hyun noticed his friend’s face was flushed and he didn’t have the normal strength he had. He could tell these minute things about his closet friend.
            "I'm fine, just pretty tired. I haven’t been sleeping to well since we’ve been so busy." Ji Yong lied. Before the sun was even up, he had thrown up twice. He didn’t want concern from everyone else so he didn’t want to say anything.

            “Are you sure?"

            "I'm fine. I've just been really tired lately. That’s it."
            "Ji Ya, don't push yourself to hard during practice today ok? If you don’t look good, you probably aren’t gonna feel well later.” There was genuine concern in his voice, warning Ji Yong.
            Ji Yong nodded slightly, only half paying attention. He wasn’t planning on following the advice anyway. He grabbed his jacket and a bottle of water before going out to the car, barely paying attention to the world around him. His head had begun to spin again, not a very good sign.
            "Is everyone here?" Tae Yang, who was driving, asked. Even though it was just five people in the group, he could never tell how many people were there.
            "Yup! Let's go!" Seungri yelled, as optimistic as ever was. There was never a moment when he wasn’t optimistic about anything. His energy as the youngest in the group always helped boost the reat of them.
            Ji Yong sat in the back seat, staring out the window as trees and buildings moved past his vision, trying to think of not puking his guts out into the car. He still felt so sick, but there was nothing in his stomach for him to get rid of.

            This is the absolute worst time to get sick. Our comeback is in two weeks, and I can't afford to miss a practice. I have so much work to do, both for the Korean and Japanese albums. There are schedules and photo shoots, and live appearances, and music video shootings- Ah! I feel even sicker just thinking about it.
            "Ji Ya, did you hear me?" The words snapped him back to the reality, and he looked at Seungri.
            "Sorry, what was it that you were saying?"
            "I said there's gonna be a big a party tonight at the club. We’re all hangin’ out. Do you wanna go? There will be a lot of girls, maybe one who like a certain fashionista rapper." Seungri nudged his side and smirked.
            "I don't know if I'll go. Let me think about it ok?" he replied, knowing his answer would end up being no anyways. With how he was feeling, there was little chance that he’d go anywhere fast after practice.
            The group reached the YG building, and they piled out of the car almost before Taeyang has parked it. They were all now debating which foreign food was the most delicious and causing a pretty big commotion over it. Whenever a debate was started between them, it tented to get loud quickly. Ji Yong followed a little behind the rest, not trying to keep up.
I don’t know how I'm going to practice feeling like this. All this thinking and worrying is making me so sick. He thought as his stomach clenched for the nth time that morning.
                                                                        •••••••••••
            "I'm too tired to do this anymore." Daesung collapsed on the dance floor, breathing hard. Anytime that Daesung collapsed, they knew they needed a break.
            "Fine, we'll take a ten minute break. Be back quickly guys. We have a lot to do." Their dance instructor told them, getting a bottle of water for himself. He always got as tired as they did during practices.
            Ji Yong collapsed on the floor in exhaustion. His dizziness hadn’t disappeared but only got worse. He took some large gulps of water and slowed his breathing, attempting to calm his body down. Seungri and Seung Hyun's words to him about overworking and taking it easy came to his mind, and slight guilt began to add to his feelings.
            Maybe I should sit out for a little while longer. It couldn’t hurt.
            Without any warning, a wave of nausea hit Ji Yong. He got up quickly, feeling the need to throw up coming on him very quickly. Rushing out of the room, he mumbled something about having to go to the bathroom. As soon as he was in one of the crammed stalls, he doubled over. His stomach clenched up, giving him the feeling that he might actually die from it. After that, he emptied what little he had in his stomach. He had no clue what had even caused his sudden bout of sickness, but it hurt like hell. His stomach turned inside out with a toxic mix of sickness and guilt.
            Dammit! Why do I have to be sick?! If anyone hates being sick, it’s me. This was the worst timing ever!
            He gagged a few more times, his body threatening to erupt again. His throat and lungs burned terribly. Breath came is short quick gasps as he tried to reorient himself from the dizziness in his head. Suddenly, the door to the bathroom opened, and Ji Yong tried to quiet his breathing as much as he could.
            "Ji Ya, practice is starting again." Seung Hyun, who opened the door, called out.
            Getting up, Ji Yong wiped his mouth and made sure his breathing wasn’t too abnormal. "Alright." He opened the door, feeling even worse than before and avoided eye contact with Seung Hyun. He knew he would be able to tell that he wasn’t alright. As expected, his friend looked at him, slightly surprised.

            "I told you not to push yourself too hard during practice." Seung Hyun said sternly.
            “I'm fine." He tried to cover up, knowing his lie would be seen through immediately.
            The older boy grabbed his wrist. "No you're not. I'll get the keys from Daesung, and I'll take you back to the dorm."
            All Ji Yong could do was being brought out the door to the hallway near the practice room. Seung Hyun had a tight grip on his wrist, and he didn’t have the strength to try and pull away.
            "Wait here." Seung Hyun disappeared into the room for a minute. He came back with the keys and looked at Ji Yong, making sure he was still there.
            "Hyung-a, I'll be fine. You don't have to take me back." Ji Yong tried to lie again and gave him the best smile he could muster at that moment, which wasn’t very convincing.
            "I know that you'll work and work and work of this even if it kills you. You have to rest at some point, especially if you want to be healthy for the comeback."
            Looking at his friend guiltily, he sighed. "You know me way too well."
            The two boys went down the building’s elevator and into the lobby. Ji Yong had liked the lobby even since he was a trainee there. It was big and glamorous and spacious and made him forget whatever he had to worry about. Sunlight poured through the huge floor-to-ceiling windows in the front and always seemed to hit the receptionist’s desk where a pretty young lady always sat, taking phone calls. It looked like a scene painted on a canvas, almost unreal. Even now, as he walked behind Seung Hyun like a stray, not to mention sick, dog, he felt a little calmer.
            "What did you tell everyone when we left?"
            "I just said that you didn't feel good, and I was dropping you off." Seung Hyun led them into the parking deck for employees and to the groups van. "I'll drop you off and come back here, but you better actually be resting when I leave."
            Ji Yong nodded slightly, thinking about how much Seung Hyun sounded like a mother talking to her child. They got into the van and, Seung Hyun backed out and headed up the road. There was a silence between them for most of the ride. Ji Yong tried closing his eyes so he wouldn’t get dizzy from the outside world passing in front of his view.
            "Hey Ji Ya, you've been acting weird for a while. Are you alright, I mean other than being sick?" Seung Hyun looked at him for a second before turning his attention to the road again. He knew that something had been bothering him, but didn’t want to pry too much at this point.
            "I've just had a lot on my mind. The workload is starting to get to me I guess."
            "Like what? What have you had on your mind?"
            Ji Yong tried to come up with something to say. He wanted to cover up the things that bugged him, even though they were tearing him apart from the inside, like some kind of parasite. "Just stuff, mostly ideas that float around. I really don't know what specifically."
            If he knew what I thought about or that everything from a few months ago still hurt me, I'd get it big time from Hyung-a. He always wants me to actually think like the leader I am, and I should. I need to stay strong for BIGBANG. Plus, he thinks I’ve already gotten over that scandal that came out. He sighed.
            “I've been kinda worried about you." Seung Hyun tried not to show emotion. He has no clue how much I worry about him sometimes. I’ve been even more worried after all this crap. I can tell he isn’t over it. I want him to be happy, not miserable like this.
            "Don't worry about me." Ji Yong sighed. "I just need to get better. I don’t really know what hit me today."
            They sat in silence as they finally reached the dorm. Seung Hyun turned into the driveway and looked at Ji Yong again.
            "Let me know if you need anything and we'll get it on our way home, ok?" He told his friend as he got out. Ji Yong just nodded, walked up to the door, and unlocked it. He felt Seung Hyun staring at him with his intense eyes.
            Ji Ya, please don't do anything stupid; Just rest. That’s all you need right now. Seung Hyun sighed as he backed out and drove off.
            As soon as he got to his room, Ji Yong collapsed on his bed and curled up like a hedgehog as he fought another bout of nausea, trying to somehow protect himself from the pain. He had no clue how anything could hurt him this badly.
            "Dammit," he shuddered through his clenched teeth, trying not to lose the very few contents left in his stomach. "Why did I have to get sick?"

After what felt like an eternity, his stomach calmed down and he slowly fell asleep. He tried his hardest not to think about anything as he drifted off, making sure they wouldn’t appear in his dreams. He had seen enough of them when he was awake.
 

(I know some details aren't accurate like TOP driving, but I had to put it in for the story to work^^)