These Feelings

So, that was what happened.

Jaeun left L without an answer. You might all hate her this moment but nah, she was just not sure of what she is feeling for L. Or was she sure of it?

I don’t know.

All she knows is that she is afraid of entrusting her heart to someone again. Not that she didn’t trust L so much, but yeah, was it because she was hurt so much?

“Damn. Why does he have to tell me all those words?! It makes me feel…UGH.” She muttered as she rolled on her bed for the nth time, not feeling any traces of sleep seeping into her mind.

“But I can see that he is sincere.” She muttered again as she remembered how L’s eyes were talking to hers as if saying, “Be Mine, Kwon Jaeun. I love you, okay?”

Jaeun shook her thoughts away and laid back on her bed again. She couldn’t forget that look on L’s face, his eyes. Damn. Is he telling the truth?

But what if he hurts her?

What if he was just riding on with his feelings that would soon fade away?

What if he is just confused because he always sees Jaeun and he might think he loves her well in fact he really doesn’t?

“I love you, Jaeun. I have never stopped loving you. Not even a second.”

“I have never stopped loving you.”

* DAMN IT!!!!!* Jaeun screamed in her mind as the words kept on lingering. She wanted to forget about these things. Even for a second.

She wanted to stop all these she is feeling.

She wanted to convince herself that she isn’t in love with L. She doesn’t believe in love. She doesn’t plan on being in love…

Since the day he left her. Since that day that she was hurt terribly.

She doesn’t want to feel that way again.

And there is only one solution,

Keep a distance from L.

She was bothered by the thought that when she is close to him, she would feel weird about herself. She would feel more attached to him. She would feel dependent on him. She would feel closer to him.

She is bothered by the thought that she would fall for him once more, if she stays close to him. She doesn’t want to be hurt.

She doesn’t want to be hurt because of that stupid love thing.

And that was the night before Jaeun went to school looking worse than those zombies in Zombie Tsunami and Plants vs. Zombies.

“Stop sighing.” Minhee told her as they were in the cafeteria as lunch that day.

Jaeun just looked at her best friend and sighed once more. Right now, she is feeling really sleepy and she wants to take a week rest. She is exhausted from everything that has been happening to her life, from L to L. Yes, she is exhausted from L’s words.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You have been sighing for the nth time.” Minhee spat making Jaeun sigh again.

Minhee stared at her as she gave her a look. “Wait, did something bad happen?” She asked again, this time, with a more concerned voice.

Jaeun shut her eyes and sighed. “Yeah. It’s bad, Minhee. Really bad.” She said as she looked at Infinite’s table. She was pained as she saw Krystal there, sitting beside L, who just told her that he would prove that he loves her for real.

But what was that? Was that something that would make him prove to her that his feelings for Jaeun are real?

Yeah. That’s one hell of a way of showing it.

Minhee looked to the direction that Jaeun is looking at. Her eyes widened. “Wait. Is it about L this time?” She asked.

Jaeun sighed and turned back to her. “Is it that obvious?” She asked lifelessly.

Minhee nodded and looked at her suffering best friend. “Did you two break up?” She asked, making Jaeun laugh awkwardly.

“Why are we even going to break up? We are not exclusive anyway. What we have was just some kind of a fling. Yeah. Like one of those many kinds of summer flings.” Jaeun replied, then she closed her eyes. “But why am I feeling like this?” She asked Minhee while holding at her chest. “Seeing him with some other girl just makes me feel… hurt.” She continued as she turned to L’s direction again.

Surprisingly, L was looking straight at her that time. He could see that Jaeun is lost right now. He could see that she is hurt. But what he couldn’t understand is…

Why doesn’t she admit to herself that she loves him back as well?

“Damn.” He muttered painfully as he saw Jaeun look like a zombie.

Krystal, who was beside her, heard him hiss on his seat. “Myungsoo? What is wrong?” She asked, making L look back at her.

L shook his head and turned to his food and ate quietly. *Damn, Kwon Jaeun, why are you punishing yourself like this?* He thought as he felt his chest ripping into millions of pieces.

Minhee’s eyes widened at Jaeun’s statement. “Oh my gosh, Jae! You love him.” She said while cupping her cheeks feeling elated that her friend has finally opened up to love. “I am so proud of you!!!!!” She cheered as Jaeun felt deflated in her seat.

“What are you so happy about? I am doomed.” Jaeun whined at Minhee.

Minhee gave her a look. “What doomed are you talking about?” She asked. “Look at L. He was looking here since the moment we sat here in the cafeteria. I can see that he likes you.” She said as she pointed at L who is still looking their way.

Jaeun rolled her eyes. “He’s with Krystal Jung. Why would he still look at me?” She asked feeling insecure.

Minhee wrinkled her nose. “You are insecure?” She asked. “Gosh! The Almighty Campus Babe Kwon Jaeun is insecure with…” She looked at Krystal to describe her. “…with that ?” She asked again.

Jaeun rolled her eyes and laid her head on the table. “You don’t know about my history with that you are talking about.” She replied.

Yes, Minhee doesn’t know anything about her history with L.

Minhee looked at her weirdly. “History?” She asked confused.

Jaeun nodded. “Yes, history. My history with L and that woman.” She replied with her head still down.

Minhee leaned closer. “What was that history? Come on, Jae! Tell me!!!!” She insisted.

Jaeun sighed and began telling Minhee what happened before. She told Minhee everything about her and L and that woman. She told her that they were lovers before but L chose Krystal over her with a reason of…

“I was just playing around with you, Jaeun. I don’t love you from the very start.” (See Chapter 5)

Minhee’s eyes widened in disgust. Her positive feeling about L just turned 180 degrees. “WHAT?! How could he do that to you?!!!!” She hollered in the cafeteria making the people look their way. Even Infinite.

Jaeun just closed her eyes and sighed. “I don’t know. I just… Ugh. I don’t know what to feel now.” She said making Minhee look at her friend with pitiful eyes.

Minhee glanced at L and gave him her deadliest glare. She hates guys who think they own the world. She hates guys who play around girls’ feelings. She hates them, with all her heart.

L looked at how angry Minhee is. *What is she so angry about?* He thought as he watched them talk about something. But he can sense that he is the topic.

“Why is Minhee that mad?” Sunggyu asked as he was worried about her.

Woohyun nodded still looking at Minhee and Jaeun. “She even looked here. Wait. Does she hate us?” He asked.

Infinite groaned. “Why would she hate us?” Hoya asked. “Maybe just one of us?” He said as he eyed on L.

L didn’t bother noticing it and just continued to eat.

Krystal looked at L scanning his expression. *He loves her still.* she thought as she looked at Jaeun’s way. *She does too.* She thought as she saw how affected Jaeun is.

*DAMN THESE FEELINGS!!!!!!!*