You had gone an entire week going in trying to act sane in front of others, and luckily for you, it was enough for people to start thinking that you had practically healed both physically and mentally from the accident. Not even Hyukjae suspected a thing and you considered that a major accomplishment. It was especially hard to keep it from him since he stuck by your side like glue whenever he was home. You tried to brush him away by making some excuses like you needed some alone time or that you were tired and had a headache. But he would always argue that he was worried and that he promised to look after you. You thought it was sweet but as every day passed, you knew you were breaking apart and putting on your little act was becoming harder and harder. One time you were so desperate to be by yourself and cry that you snapped on your husband and told him that he was just getting annoying. You felt terrible because he managed to keep calm and just gave you the space you were asking for. His ability to never get mad at you made you feel like for doing that and it just added to your depression.  

When you were alone you just sat in a corner in with nothing but your miserable thoughts. Every time you would close your eyes you would see flashes of that day and you would wake up from your daydream gasping for air, thinking that you would never get that chance to breathe again. It killed you inside because you knew you couldn’t go one minute without being reminded of your near death experience. It was almost as if everything in your life could relate to the accident and once that happened, you would relive the moment in your head over and over again.

You wanted to ask for help. You knew you needed it. But a voice always popped in your head, stopping you from letting anyone know about your pain.

What are you doing? You were actually thinking of telling someone? Seriously?

Haven’t you caused enough trouble in everyone’s lives already? Think about Hyukjae. He already has a lot to deal with. He has to worry about Super Junior and all of his beloved fans, and now you want him to worry about you too? Now you’re just looking for attention.

You can deal with whatever pain you’re going through. You should just sit quiet and be thankful that you’re alive…

These thoughts ran through your head all day. There were times where all you wanted to do was call the dancer up and cry against his chest as he would hold you. You knew he would do that if you even gave him the slightest hint that you were hurting, but you stopped yourself every time. Even though those voices were painful and cold, they were true. Dr. Choi said that you were completely fine to go home. Anything that you were going through would go away sooner or later. And you making a big deal out of it would just cause more trouble for everyone. So you continued to sit in silence as you let images and voices destroy you from the inside.

3 weeks had passed and you were still trying your hardest to ignore everything that was going on inside of your head. You would still flinch whenever Hyukjae would sneak up on you and he would always question whether or not you were okay. You simply told him that you had always been like that and then you would come up with moments that you to have shared in the past to further prove your point. He believed you and just hugged you from behind, whispering sweet nothings into your ear to soothe you. You would melt into his embrace and for a brief moment you would feel normal. But that feeling would quickly fade away as he let go of his hold and head off to a busy day of schedules. You would watch him leave from your bedroom window and from there you would somehow manage to bring yourself to get ready. You refused to look at yourself in the mirror because you were scared of what those voices might say. The first time you saw yourself since the accident, you could hear someone inside telling you that you had become ugly and that those scars you had would never go away. Your reflection told you that you were an ugly human being and that you didn’t deserve to stand in front of a mirror. You almost threw something at the mirror the first time your reflection had changed into Dr. Choi’s and he was telling you about the other victim who never made it. You felt unbelievably guilty and you sat in the bathroom crying for hours. From that day on you refused to look at yourself. You didn’t care whether or not you were having a bad hair day or if your outfit looked a mess, you were too terrified to even go near a mirror.

Avoiding your reflection at all times, you simply picked up your toothbrush and listened to the sound of the bristles rubbing against your teeth. It was calming for you and for some reason it made time pass faster. You tried your hardest to keep the faucet off for as long as possible, only to avoid the sight of running water. Even a drop of water made you hungry for air. You even had to close your eyes and when you wanted a glass of water, and you could only drink small sips before you felt like choking. You always had the feeling of river water in the bottom of your throat and it would take several moments to remind yourself that it was just imagination. You knew it was just your mind playing tricks on you but you felt yourself going crazy. You knew you needed something to get your mind off everything and the first thing that came to mind was your husband. You shook your head.  

How could you think about making him worry like that again? It isn’t fair on Hyukjae. He’s so stressed over Super Junior and trying to be the best. He doesn’t need to worry about you.

You’re his so called wife. He needs to come home to someone who can comfort him. Not some attention seeking crybaby who can’t even drink some water without think she’s going to die.

That voice was right. Hyukjae already had a lot to deal with. He was constantly worrying about the well being of s. He had to focus on keeping the image of Super Junior. He needed to be strong in front of ELF. He needed to please SM. And on top of all that, he was constantly working so that his other self, Eunhyuk, was one of the very best performers. He has always had these worries and no one ever took the time to see what he needed or even wanted. He needed to come home to someone who could help him get rid of all that stress. He needed someone who he could come home to and cry when things became overwhelming.

His life is hard enough. He doesn’t need added problems…He doesn’t need your problems.

Tears began to form in your eyes again but that voice told you to stop crying. You hated that voice. You didn’t know why but it was always there to kick you when you were already down. You tried to ignore it but it was always there. No matter what you did or where you were going, that voice was in the back of your mind.

Giving in, you just decided to go to work and at least act like you were fine. Part of it was to get your mother in law and husband to stop worrying, and the other Part was to prove to yourself and that annoying voice that you could make it through. You were doing pretty well on the way to the bakery and you actually thought that it was going to be a normal day. That was until you noticed two figures in front of you and they were talking about Eunhyuk. You cautiously had your ears open as you tried to listen in on what it was. And from the sound of it, it sounded like those two girls that were always by the bus stop and had asked Hyukjae for his autograph. You began to walk slowly when you realized that the topic of their conversation was you. You turned into the side of a building a few feet away from them so that you were out of sight and so that you could over hear.

“Wasn’t that Eunhyuk oppa’s wife behind us?”

“I think so…I’m surprised she can still walk around in public…I would be so ashamed.”

“Not to mention embarrassed and guilty…I mean think about what she did.”

“I know. I heard that the poor woman and her baby never made it out alive because people were so busy trying to save her.”

“She’s not even that special. She’s just some lucky nobody who gets special treatment because of her husband. If you ask me, I would say that the pregnant woman was a more important life to save.”

“Exactly. A poor woman and her unborn child died because of her.”

“Do you think she wants to have kids? Wouldn’t she always be reminded of that little baby that died because of her.”

“I don’t know. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t. All I know is that she’s lucky to have Eunhyuk oppa. He’s super nice to be able to put up with her. I feel like he brings a lot of trouble in his life.”

“Personally, I think he made a mistake marrying her. He was fine when he relied on the love of ELF. Now he relies on her but she probably can’t even do that.”

“I feel bad for him…”

You felt your heart drop. Suddenly you began shaking and your knees became weak. People were talking about you. They blamed you. But what stuck with you the most is that they thought you had received special treatment because of Hyukjae. It made you feel like if you weren’t married to him, then those two innocent lives would’ve been saved instead of yours. You thought that it would’ve been better that way. Suddenly you found yourself back home in your bed crying. You don’t remember the walk back but that was the last thing on your mind. The voice came back again.

You see. Even random people on the street know what you did.

It’s your fault. You should not have been saved. You don’t deserve to live.

That poor woman. That poor baby who never had a chance to live.

They died because of you.

It’s your fault.