The next morning – for the first time as a SHINee member – I’m late for breakfast. Not only late for cooking (I’m usually the one who prepares it) but also late for eating.
I shuffle into the dining room and hope not to look too crooked; walking is far from painless and I don’t even want to think about sitting.
The stern gaze of three pairs of eyes meets me as I enter, only one is directed to the table. They keep staring while I sit down and randomly grab some food. Seriously, what’s wrong with them?
“What is it?” I spit. “Can’t I be late for breakfast once?” Then I realize… Oh god, what if they have heard something? I’m just not the one to keep my voice down and—
Onew smiles at me.
“Did you sleep well? You really missed something this morning. Taemin wanted to prepare the breakfast because you weren’t here but he had real problems with the rice-cooker and so he almost spilled all the rice. Fortunately Minho helped him out and tried to cut the vegetables together with him. Then I wanted to get to the fridge and…”
Onew goes on ranting like this for about ten minutes and although there isn’t much content to what he’s saying, I’m glad that he’s just talking. It slowly takes away the awkward atmosphere in the room.
None of us has a schedule that day, so I spend the rest of it sulking, nagging, hating myself, hating and loving Jjong and avoiding everyone.
As it becomes evening we sit at the table again in the same constellation. All members are talking cheeringly; I even manage to join in. Just when I’m in the process of scraping up the last bits of rice in my bowl, I hear the scratching sound of a chair being pulled back.
“I have to get going now, else I’ll be late.” Jonghyun says.
“Where’re you headed?” Minho asks him.
“To meet with… Sekyung. I’ll be out for the evening and possibly… the night.” His gaze flickers to me in every pause he makes. I clench my teeth.
“Well… see you tomorrow then.”
“Bye.” And he’s gone.
As if I couldn’t be any more obvious, I leave the table soon after, only stashing my dishes into the dishwasher before I go to bed.
I’m just glad that there’s no other person sharing the room with me, so that I can tug the blanket over my face and hide without having to explain my condition. All I try to do is cushion my fall, but when I smell Jjong’s scent on the fabric, a barrier of thoughts penetrates my mind.
Sekyung’s blanket will have the same smell as mine tomorrow.
Is he with her now the exact same way he was with me last night?
Does he brush the hair out of her face while gazing at her? Do his hands feel as firm on her shoulders as on mine? Do his toes curl in an almost cramping way when she touches him there? I was so elated at being able to make him do that.
Last night his hands were everywhere. My voice was everywhere. He kissed down from my mouth to my navel, lips almost too gentle to bear.  I hated how he was all expert-like, calm and collected, so I became bold. I didn’t want to succumb just that easily. My fingers worked quickly. Soon I had him hovering above me, head lowered so much that his hair was tickling the skin of my shoulder, breathing harshly.
“Stop it, it’s enough.” he snapped at me after some time. From that moment on his puppy-self was left behind and he transformed into the ruthless dinosaur.
He hurt me a lot, but no matter how touchy I usually am, I didn’t care in that stuation. My gaze was steady on his face all the way through, just when we were finally infinitely close, I shut my eyes. As time flew on, I subconsciously pressed myself against his chest, not trying to make a bruise on the skin  (I already owned that) but on his heart (I would have really liked to have that). The only thing I remember after that is gripping Jonghyun’s back, never once opening my eyes and being so loud…
With his girlfriend, he will be different. He might have some candles set up and he will tell her how pretty she is. She will gasp and he will look at her with those round puppy eyes. She will let him do anything he wants and never claim dominance. Every kiss will be sickly sweet; they will both be gentle in their touches and finally he will be careful not to hurt her in any way. He will place her needs in front of his own. Before they fall asleep he will probably tell her that he loves her, so her face will be gleaming with tired happiness.
                                          Disgust. It is the only word that describes my feelings, my whole body seems to be made up of that emotion. I’m disgusted by Jonghyun for cheating on his girlfriend and denying it – there is no possibility that our relationship can still be summarized under the term “friends”. Disgusted by him for sleeping with me without any feelings, but equally disgusted by myself for being so weak as to let it happen. And finally, disgusted by the girl, just because she’s she and because she has the curves that win Jjong over.
That scent is driving me crazy.
I rip the bedclothes of the bed and drag them behind me, purposefully dirtying them, as I storm out of my room. I ignore Minho’s irritated look, while I rush to the washing machine, stuffing the cloth inside and taking fresh bedclothes. The moment I hit the mattress and smell the scent of detergent, I feel totally exhausted, so sleep comes easily to me.