Sighing, I open the door and creep inside, trying not to wake Jonghyun up. It will make things a lot easier if he keeps on sleeping.

When I lie under the covers and have listened to the silence for a few seconds, I feel sure that he’s still sound asleep.
I stare at the backside of Jjong’s mattress for a while because I know I won’t be able to drift off. My eyes lose their focus, the image blurs until—

The mattress is lifted and I look through the black grating beneath it at Jjong’s face.
Can’t he for once just sleep? I decide to ignore him, but he keeps observing me while leaning on the edge of that mattress.

After some time – I don’t know how long it is – he opens his mouth. At first I want to tune him out, but what he says to me makes me flinch.
“Do you remember when a few nights ago we… slept together?”
Of course I do, yet I keep my mouth shut, afraid of what he’s going to tell me.
“We never spoke about this, so I thought maybe now might be the right time. I want to explain myself. When today you accused me that I only fell for your body, I was shocked at first. Because I thought you were right. I never wanted to admit that I fell in love with a boy because you know… I’m straight. But whatever.
You were right with your accusation when it comes to what I did before that night. I was curious. And you were… simply attractive? I think the turning point was the evening before we… you know. I just wanted to continue with what we were doing, but then you confronted me with always talking about women and I guess that’s when I realized that it wasn’t simply normal what we were up to, although I said the opposite. That’s why I couldn’t let you go then. Sorry for being so cliché. When you hinted at going even further with me, I couldn’t reject you, even though I probably should have. Would have made things less complicated. Still, I can’t really say that I regret it. Of course it was totally different from being with a girl, but – I think I won’t make sense here – I didn’t care about differences in body shape or something, because I enjoyed being close to you all too much. And I was far from all that friends with benefits stuff. As I woke up the next day it was like I’d suddenly become sober. But I still didn’t register what the certainty that what we’d done wasn’t normal for friends meant. It’s totally stupid, I know. And the way you treated me so coldly the next day, made my confusion become only greater. Peaking into your diary was a last resort in order to understand this situation. Once I had read one page I felt like a veil had been lifted from my eyes. I couldn’t stop then; I devoured page after page about me. Until you came in. But because I still didn’t know what to make of the newly acquired information, I couldn’t talk to you then. I was so insecure about my own state of mind that I fled to Sekyung. I thought that maybe she would make me feel like a straight man again and I would lose my doubts. Of course it only made things worse. I felt so bad being with her, I couldn’t even touch her with an easy conscience. So yeah, I guess that’s the point where I’d fallen in love with you and out of love with her. I know that I’ve done a lot of things wrong and I’m sorry for that. Still, I’ve never lied to you. It was all the truth what I told you earlier, so if you want me to repeat it, I will. Just ask.“

I don’t know if I’m supposed to answer, but I just contemplate after he’s finished. For a few minutes I just contemplate, because what he just said has to be forced into my brain and that’s not all that easy. Closing my eyes, I sigh into the darkness. This is the first time that I have real insight in his side of the story. Before, I wasn’t able to believe his confessions because it was incomprehensible to me how those feelings could have come into existence. Just like seeing an equation with its solution, but not being able to understand how to get to it. Yet now that he has explained the solution process to me, the result seems logical, reasonable.
How should I keep on being angry with him? I can’t even feel the distress anymore. He’s really such an idiot for talking me out of my misery.

Just one thing still puzzles me: I can’t believe how someone changes their uality in a matter of days. Especially not Jjong. Even though my brain has unlocked the final door to believing him that he’s fallen in love with me – my breath becomes just slightly shaky at that thought – it still seems strange to me.
Because I don’t want to seem sentimental, I pull myself together and play the “cool” Key.
“Just one question: Do you like girls and boys now?”
In the darkness I can’t make out if he’s smiling or grinning.
“You should fall in love with someone because of their character, right? So in the end the gender isn’t all that important. I don’t really know how to answer this, but you know what?” It’s clearly a grin now. “I don’t even need to answer that question, because I’m as selfish as to only like you.”

What is there left for me to think about?
I think about how I wish it would be a little brighter in here to get a better look at him. And I think that Onew’s snoring from the next room is pretty persistently trying to kill the mood, but that I won’t let it. Then I think that Jonghyun seems to want an answer and that I have it ready, but that pronouncing has suddenly become very difficult. Finally I come to the conclusion that thinking is overrated and that I’ve always been better with actions anyways.

Since the grating is separating us, my scope of action is strongly limited. I can’t do much besides reaching my hand out and curling my fingers through the holes. Jjong lowers his head slightly so that my fingertips brush his cheek. Trying to caress his skin in this position is extremely awkward, but it feels more intimate than any kiss we’ve had.
“Come down here.” I command after some time. He complies with a “Yes!” that almost sounds like a bark.
Just like that first night, he slips under my blanket. But now I don’t inch away towards the wall instead I open my arms for him.
I kiss him on the cheek once and then on the lips, just quickly. He seems satisfied with that for the moment.
Because my pride forbids me to do anything else, I whisper into his ear before we fall asleep,
“Don’t even think that I’ve forgotten everything you’ve done. You will need to work for my mercy. I hope you’ll try hard, dino-boy.”