I stare at him in horror.
“I dumped her three days ago, after you caught me reading… you know…”
This is really interfering with my plan of not letting any emotion influence this conversation.
I don’t know why, but I’m so angry, so angry at this.
“Are you sure you dumped her and not the other way around? As I told you before, I don’t want to only satisfy your needs. But I understand you motivation very well now: You can’t get it on with her anymore, so you take me. I’m not thatcheap, Jjong.”
He abruptly jerks on my shirt to interrupt my flood of words.
“That’s not true! I left her because I simply didn’t care for her anymore. I realized how my feelings have changed and believe me, that’s just as strange to me as it is to you, so all I wanted to do was go home and apologize.”
“Then why didn’tyou?”

“I don’t know, I couldn’t.  I was afraid you’d react just like you’re reacting now.”

I look at him with hostile eyes.
“Just shut up! I don’t want to hear any of it!”

Is that really what I want to say? Is he really as mean as to tell me a downright lie? But he has to be, because what he says can’t be true. It’s too absurd, too inconceivable.

“Key just…” His gaze drops to the floor like a piece of lead. “Just believe me. What should I do if you keep rejecting me? I need you.”
“Of course you need me. Because you need someone to have se—“
“You’re wrong!” He is almost shouting now.
Even before he has cut me off, my own words seem alien to my ears. But I know that this is Jonghyun’s work alone, because he is lulling me into a false sense of security. (In reality I want to invent a word that unites “right” and “wrong”, since neither word seems to fit my feelings.)
“I’m wrong? Tell me something new.”
“What do you want to hear?”
I am silent at that because he already knows what words to use to strike me. I feel like a target for his arrows. And he’s shooting at point-blank range.
“I need you, I love you, I can’t live without you; I’ll say it all. Just please listen to me. What else can I do?”
He’s asking me what he should do, but Idon’t know what to do anymore. He tells me all the things I’ve imagined to hear countless times, but there seems to be something inside my brain that keeps me from registering them. Yet their impact shakes my body. And the slightest particle of realization intrudes my mind that his question might be legitimate; hasn’t he already done everything that is within his power?
Jonghyun lifts the back of his hand to his face and only then I register that he’s crying. Just as pathetically as after every concert his face scrunches up under the tears that roll over his cheeks.
“Key.” The word hangs in the air, the vowel stretched so far that it seems to tear.
If he knew how much all the tears and words hurt me, he would surely be smiling by now. Because he could be sure that I return his feelings irrevocably.

Still, out of pure self-protection, I can’t hand myself over to him just like that.
“It’s ok.” I tell him because I simply need to do something, I can’t stand seeing him like that. “I forgive you.” And that’s true, since no matter how much he’s hurt me, he deserves to be forgiven. Only forgiven.
Jjong lifts his head in a sudden movement, eyes all swollen and red. He looks hopelessly relieved.
“You… thank you.” Then, after a short pause, “What does that mean for us now?”
“Well, what do you think? Do you expect me to fall into your arms and be together with you till the end of time? And they lived happily ever after? I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The venom I spit in his direction seems to have its effect. Instead of keeping his hold on my shirt he grabs my upper arms and yells at me, “What’s wrong with you? How can you be so stubborn! I’ve read it all in you diary, every page about me! I know that you love me, so what is it that makes you reject me over and over again?”
It feels like he’s choking me. But he’s right with what he says and he knows it, so I bite my lip, confirming it.
“So yeah. I’m in love with you. But I can’t trust you anymore. This won’t work out.”
“It will!” There’s something like hope in his eyes. “Just tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it. Anything.”

His palms still touch my bare arms and he feels so warm and trustworthy, I just want to give in. Shouldn’t these sentences be all I need to get back to him?

By now I’m completely desperate, my lips quivering with words that I don’t want to express.
Then I suddenly hear voices from outside the door; we stare at each other in shock. I totally forgot that the other members even exist.

Right when the door opens, Jjong wipes over his face once and storms out of the room. My brain seems to have cut its connection to my muscles, so I just stand there, frozen.

Fortunately it’s Minho who enters first, but unfortunately he has probably gotten a glimpse of Jonghyun’s expression.

He gazes at me questioningly; I must look like I’ve just woken up from a horrible nightmare and so he walks towards me and grabs my arm. “I need to talk to you.” he whispers into my ear before Onew and Taemin come inside the living room. Without waiting for a reaction, he pulls me into his room, calling “We’ll be back in a few minutes!” to the other two.
The door falls securely shut and a strained silence settles between us.