*a/n: Quite a bit of swearing. Proper author's note at the end.

"Where is he?!" I slammed my hands on the front desk not even bothering to remove the dripping wet jacket and backpack. "They just took him to Seoul General." Junmyeon came out of his office and sat with Lay on the couches. "What the happened?" It's not like they told me much except I needed to get here ASAP because something happened to Luhan. Wouldn't tell me what though.

"Sehun he tried to," Jessica starts and there are tears running unchecked all over her face. Her makeup makes thick black lumps and lines under her eyes. "He tried to what?" I pressed and almost slip when I move around the desk to sit down my bag. "He tried to commit suicide." Jongin isn't smiling, for God sakes he's not smiling.

"What?" I all but yell but no one tells me to quiet down. "When the did this happen?" I raked my hands through my soaked hair, watching water droplets get all over the papers on the desk. "About an hour and half ago." Kris says and he's not sitting with his face glued to the computer. He's up on his feet looking like a deer in headlights.

"And you just now thought to ing call me?!" I should've been the first person they called, I mean I expected Jessica to call me right away. "Watch the language." Junmyeon warns and I can see a little bit of blood on the cuffs of his sleeves. "Is that-" The pit in my stomach from having to rush over here is getting worse and I might actually start heaving.

"Yeah." Is all Junmyeon says and tries to roll the sleeves up to cover the blood. "Wh- I don't understand." I sat down and cringed at the squish noise it made. It was pouring outside and I all but had to throw dirty clothes on. To be technical I wasn't even suppose to come in tonight. I had the night off and was going to stay at home watching re-runs of drams with Tao.

My jeans are sticking to me in places they shouldn't be bunched up and my cardigan might as well have been paper. "He was mumbling something about his mother. She came to see him today and he really didn't seem to want her here." Lay offers from the couch and sinks farther against Junmyeon. "His mother?" I thought he'd be thrilled to see her after so long.

"Yeah they came out of his room yelling at eachother. Security had to her out," Jessica is shaking and I think it has to be a lot more than just the weather. "I thought he was just gonna take a shower." Jessica is still crying and borderline hysetrics. I'm not good with crying girls. Crying guys, like Tao, I can handle. But not seeing someone like Jessica so broken up.

"He broke a mirror in the bathroom," Jessica continues and started her nervous habit of biting the skin around her nails. "I tried Sehun I really did. But he was so pale and there was so much blood-" She gets choked up too badly to speak. "Jessica's the one who found him. Thank God we keep scrubs in the break room." Kai says from beside Kris.

"So much of it and I couldn't stop it." Jessica is colorless and I can her knees threatening to give out any moment. "Sehun I-I.... tri-ed so hard." And this time she does fall to the floor. I moved over and squatted in front of her. "Jessica it's not your fault." I tried to pat her hair but she shrank away. "He was calling for you Sehun." Kris says with a sigh.

"Junmyeon?" I asked and didn't move off the floor. "Since I'm not on the clock do you think you could drive me to Seoul General?" I know it's a lot to ask, considering he's probably got a ton of paperwork to fill out now. "Sure Sehun. Jessica do you wanna go?" Junmyeon gets up and grabs Lay's hand for him to stand too. "Y-yes."

It's all a blur when we all run thrugh the downpour to Junmyeon's beat up mini van. Lay slides into the passenger seat and Junmywon is still inside talking to everyone else. "I-I hope he doesn't di-" but Jessica stops talking and leans against the window. "God I really hope so." I was still holding her hand but only cause I'm scared if I let her go she'll crumble. Junmyeon finally comes.

"You and Jessica can go in. Me and Lay will hang around town somewhere to get you later." Junmyeon slides the key into the ignition and the car is really loud when it starts up. "Thanks." I mutter and sink lower in the seat. It's at least a twenty minute drive to the main hospital and that's if they're lucky. But i know it's gonna feel like forever.

And it does feel like time is dragging as we get within a mile and a half of the hospital. The knot in my stomahc is growing again at the thought of having to see Luhan. But I want, no need, to see him. I shouldn't be this attached to him and I know I shouldn't. But he's way too persuasive.

"Are we almost there?" Jessica asks but keeps her eyes closed. "In less than five minutes." It's Lay who answers her and I can't help but notice the two up front holding hands on the center console. "I-I don't think I can do this." Jessica sits up and the tears are back full force but neither of us move to wipe them away. I can feel my eyes start to water but I can't breakdown. Not yet.

"You can do this. You have to," I started as Junmywon talked to the security guy standing in the entrance to the hospital. I see him flash hsi ID at him and the guard nods. "You have to do this because I need you." I finally finished and Junmyeon right in front of the doors. Muttering something about doctor privelege or something but I couldn't be more grateful.

"We'll call you." I said and tugged a limp Jessica out of the side door. She felt like dead weight and like at any moment she'd pass out and it hit me how serious she must be taking all of this. "We'll be around. Just don't stay all night, we need to get back to work." Lay says as he leans over Junmyeon and pokes his head out the window. "Update us okay?" Jessica just nods.

"Okay maybe I can't do this anymore." But Jessica is already pulling towards the glass double doors leading to the lobby. The minute the doors opened the smell of cleaning supply and old person hit me and I tried not to cringe. "I don't even know who to ask," Jessica started chewing on har nails again. "I-I mean they proably won't let us in."

"They might. I mean you're a nurse on duty." Thank God, even though we work in an asylum, we're all still registered at Seoul General Hospital. Meaning we are just as much an employee here then we are there. "I'll tell them you're a relative or something." Jessica says and points to the desk with the nurses behind it. "Wait here." She says and drops my hand.

She shuffles, drags her feet, to the front desk. I can't quite hear anything they're saying but I see the nurses eyeing me and I don't like it. I knowJessica must be getting pretty annoyed at something cause tapping her foot is another nervous habit. I jump a little when she slams her ID down on the desk and starts really laying it on the ladies.

"Look here," She starts and ties her hair back. "I demand to see him, do you hear me? His cousin is the only family he has and I'd be damned if he doesn't get to see him." Jesscia was kind of scary and Kai would have said something along the lines of 'she's y when she's angry' or something just as stupid. "But ma'm we can't-" But the nurse is cut off.

"Like you can't. I'll have you know that my father signs your paychecks." She leans away from the counter and puts her wallet and ID back away. "Do you understand? We. are. going to. see him." She punctuated each word and I had to admit she was even freightening me a little. It's officail this has pushed Jesscia off the deep end without a life jacket. "Y-yes ma'm." The odler lady stutters out.

There's little to no conversation after that until Jessica storms over to me and she's beet red in the face. "We have to wear these and he's in the ICU." She hands me this brown colored wrist band and helps me get it on because I'm starting to shake. I haven't actually been in the hospital, for anything other than work, in a long time.

"They said these will get us into his room. ing morons I tell you." She grabs my hand and drags me towards the double doors one of the nurses is holding open for them. "ICU is just down and to the left." Despite everything the petite nd very young nurse is still smiling. "Yeah I know." Jesscia mutters and glares. If looks could kill the building would implode on itself.

"Jessica be civil." I scolded and she just squeezed my hand more. The sign for the ICU is looming when we round the corner and flash the wrist bands to the nurses sitting there. "Room 3." Is all Jessica says and lets me go. "I'm gonna sit out here for a little bit, collect myself so I don't collapse again. You go." She smiles and takes a seat against the wall.

"What if he's sleeping or something?" I asked just to stall time because I really didn't want to see him like this. But I need to and have to because he was asking for me. I rubbed my sweaty palms on my thighs and felt how stiff the denim had become from all the rain. "Then you stay with him. Go I'll be fine." Jessica shoos me with her hands. She's definitely seen better days.

I opened the door and the room was dimly lit inside. I looked back but Jesscia just shooed me again and closed her eyes. What happens if there's a nurse in here with him? I pushed the door open more to see only one person in the room and that person was curled up on the bed. The white bandage around his arm makes my stomach clench again.

I knows Luhan's sleeping because I've seen him enough times to know the signs. But this time he isn't smiling in his sleep and I feel guilty. Like all this is my fault because I wasn't working tonight. It's my stupid that asked for the night off. Its all my fault we're here in the first place. I could've stopped him. I shoudl've been there to stop him.

I quietly closed the door and leaned back against it. What am I suppose to do now that I'm here? My sweaty palms couldn't find purchase on the wooden door so I rubbed them down my thighs again. Luhan was in a gown with the hospital's logo all over it in purple. He had said once that he liked the color purple. Ironic but saddening at the same time.

Maybe it's not the right timw to touch him, I mean I don't want to scare him or anything. There are IVs in his hand and in his arm at the elbow. There's two drips set up and I can read the names from here. One's an anti-bitotic and one's morphine. Cause he's gonna be in a whole new world of pain when he wakes up. And maybe I can't be here for that.

All I am is a friend who happens to like kissing him. I'm not related or anything and we're certainly not considered boyfriends. I'm nothing in this situation and that dawns on me heavily. I know I'm crying now because I wasn't allowed to cry in front of the others and Jessica. I couldn't fall apart with people around like that. I hate the feeling of being stared at for crying.

I stay quiet and jsut listen to the faint beeping of machines as his fingers twitch. It seems like a normal body tick but I note to ask the nurse about it later. God this is so ed up and I'm so tired. Honest to God all I wanted tonight was to go to bed at the right hour in front of my tv. All I wanted was to finish that bowl and a half of popcorn that's probably still sitting on the couch.

I cried a little more and scolded myself for thinking only about myself at a terrible time like this. The rain has almost stopped outside and the lights of downtown seep into the windows. It's a relatively gorgeous night but I don't have time for that right now. Luhan should be in his room looking out at the stars. But no and instead he's unconcious.

My fists flexed with want. Want to just touch him and run my fingers in his hair. I'd kill to see rosy cheeks instead of pale ones and it scares me a little. I've never seen someone like this, not since my mother. And even then I barely remember her short hospital state. I don't even remember what her room had been like but I do remember she had one grumpy roommate.

I closed my eyes but the tears just wouldn't stop. It's gonna be an extra long night and all I can think about is sleeping. I knock my head back against the door at my stupidity. "I'm an idiot." I sighed and finally took a step into the room. My boots squeaking a little and I stopped to amke sure he ahdn't woken up. Those must be some kick pain killers.

He looks even paler up close and my stomach drops to my feet with naseua. It hurts in my chest but if I acknowledge the pain I'll only cry harder. There's a chair beside the bed and it looks beyond uncomfortable. When I sit down my arm brushes the armrest and the fabric is rough. This seat is designated for parents, I know it is. And it only makes me feel worse about being here.

"Luhan," I start and really pray that he responds. When I get nothing, as expected, I start again. "I'm here now with you." Even if he can't hear a thing I say I feel I need to talk. Or I'm going to bust from pent up emotions that I didn't even wanna begin to get into. Thsi was all too much for one day. But I still can't be mad at Luhan for any of it.

"I'm not mad at you," the lump in the back of my throat is thick, "So don't worry." My hand flexes again because I really want to grab his hand. But with the way he's laying the only hand I could get to would probably be his hurt one. And I don't want to hurt him or myself. Because my arms start hurting jsut imagining the pain he must have been in. And will be in later.

"You scared the out of everyone." I don't tell him hoe I'm actually terrified and scared less. There is movement but I don't get my hopes up for much. That is until Luhan is rolling over to face me and I catch a look at the red aroudn his eyes. "Se-se.. hun?" It's broken and so a little more of my heart. I can't take the look on his face. "Hi."

I can see him attempting to smile but it's not working out very well. I know I can't start sobbing again because it'd upset him. But damn it's too late to stop myself as more tears pour out from my already swollen eyes. "Luhan I'm so sorry!" I don't know why I'm apologizing but it feels right but in all the wrong ways. And I think I might actually end up throwing up.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there." I continued and grabbed his hand, the good hand now that I could get to it. "Luhan I'm sorry." I can't stop saying it and I have to close my eyes to not see the look he must be giving me. I'm so useless I can't even stop crying and I'm stupid for not being able to just shut the up. "Luhan I-" But he stops me with a hand squeeze.

There are tears in his eyes and in such low light the tears seem to glow. "God Luhan," I cough to clear my throat and it sounds ten times louder than it probably really was. "You scared me!" I was mindful of the IVs and dipped my head to rest on the side of the bed. I still couldn't look at him yet. Not when I can't even keep myself together.

"Sehun." There's a deep and drawn out sigh that fills the almost silent room. "I'm so sorry Luhan." I apologized again and I couldn't stop from sobbing into the rough sheet. "I-I should've be-been there." There's a million and one things I want to tell to him but none of it is coming out. It's all jumbled and I don't even know if I'm speaking Korean anymore.

"It's not your fault." Is all Luhan can say and it doesn't make me feel any better. If anything it makes me feel worse about everything, "I know." Is all I can manage because I'm too far gone and choked up to speak. My heart feels too heavy beating against my ribcage. The weak squeeze to my hand was only making me feel worse for him.

Maybe I should ask him why. Isn't that what you're suppose to ask to someone who tried suicide? I didn't know anything about what to do with myself. Because heck I can't even look at him. "Why did you do it?" I guess you need to be a little forward. My palm was sweaty in Luhan's warm one. It was almost too warm for normal hands.

"Cause I'm stupid," He starts and I feel him adjusting on the bed to accomodate our hand holding. "And my mom's a ." I look up at that because I've heard him cuss like that. "What happened?" I tried to look over his shoulder and out at the city. But I knoew he was staring at me because I felt the holes he must be burrowing in my face.

"She's cutting me off completely." Luhan says and pats the bed next to him but I can't move off the chair. He nods and seems to understand so I gesture for him to explain. Because I'm still not understanding anything other than the fact that he's lying in the hospital with, God only knows how deep, gashes on his flawless arm.

"She transferred everything over to the government. I'm not even worth her precious money." Luhan might start crying soon so I put my free hand on his cheek. His cheek despite it's color is really warm and it feels nice. "Meaning?" I implored him to go on and the chair was gaining points in the uncomfortable charts. My back was starting to hurt.

"She stopped. Just stopped paying for the bills." He continued but it still made no ing sense to me. "She's pregnant again Sehun." And the room goes eerily quiet and not even the machines can drown it out. "Pregnant?" It's all I can get out before he actually does start crying. Even his tears are hot when they run over my hand.

"She said I can never see it. I'm gonna be a brother and I can't even see it." Luhan is surprisingly calm through all this because those are Grade A pain killers. "So that made you go as far as to do this to yourself?" I know it sounds mean but again I can't stop talking when I really need to. "Why you did this to me? And to Jess?" 

I was getting a little angry, I knew my voice gave it away by the look in Luhan's eyes. They didn't seem distant anymore and I'm surprised when he starts smiling. "Sehun I'm so sorry. I had a moment of blind rage and it was stupid. I'm stupid just like she always said I was." His hand stopped squeezing so hard. And I had to look down to make sure it was still in mine.

I sighed when it was and looked back at him, "You're the farthest from stupid." My voice is crackly and I can defintely tell I'm going to get a cold by the time my next shift starts. "Look at me Luhan." It took a nano second for our eyes to meet, "I love you." It took everything I had just to say it. I wasn't just saying it because of the circumstances. I can feel it.

"And it scares the out me." I know he doesn't like profanities but I can't help it. "I-I," He starts but he's coughing. It looks almost painful and I cringe when he cries a little more. "I love you too." I leaned forward and put our forheads together. Just like I did that night in the common room when he almost had a panic attack over another patient talking to me for too long.

"Never do this again." His eyes closed but he nuzzled into my hand and I finally moved off the chair. "I don't think I could take it." What was left of my heart was shattering just watching him cry. Because it looked like it took so much energy out of him. "I'm so tired Sehun." he whispers and I can feel it on my mouth. Is now an appropriate time for a kiss?

I didn't care and dipped down to kiss him. Kiss him with everything I can because what if I never get to again. His lips too are surprisingly really warm and his hand is moving up my arm. It comes to rest on my bicep and he pulls me forward more. "Go to sleep," I whisper when we pull away. He just nods into my hand. "I'll be right back alright?" I pull away from him.

"Do-don't leave m-me." Luhan downright begs and his nails start to dig into my arm but it doesn't hurt. "I'm just stepping out for a second. I promise you that I will be back." I leaned in and kissed his cheek before prying his hand off of me. "You promise?" He asks when I'm already at the door. "I swear on my life." 

Jessica is pacing in the hall but stops when she sees me. I hand her my phone, cause I know she doesn't have one on her. "Call Junmyeon." I shove some money I fished from my pocket into her hand. It's crinkly and wet from the storm but it should do. "What's this for?" She asks and holds my phone to her chest. I don't mind.

"Call Junmyeon to come get you. Stop somewhere and get yourself something to eat." It's the only thing I could do for her right now because I have bigger things to worry about. "I don't understand." She's staring at me like I grew an extra appendage and glancing between me and the clock on the wall. "I'm staying tonight." It wasn't up for negotiation.

"You sure?" She looks at the phone and money before shoving the bills in the scrub pockets. "Yeah. I'll call Tao in the morning to come get me." Because he owes me for the time I went to the airport with him. "Okay. Please call if anything changes." Jessica looks like she has more to say but doesn't. And it's quiet again. It's driving me insane.

Her arms are around me before I could protest and I can hear her start to cry again. "You're a good person Sehun. Take care okay? And get something to eat." She pulls away and fixes the sleeves of her shirt. This spare scrub set is a little too baggy on her but I think it makes her look like a kid again. "Tell him I was here." Is all she says before she takes her leave. Stopping to talk to some of the other nurses hanging around.

I slip back into the room and Luhan is already half way asleep. I sat back in the awful chair and grabbed his hand again. "I'm back." Is all I say before his eyes finally close again. I don't have time to tell him about Jessica or anything before he passes back out. I leaned my head on the bed so I could look at him while he slept.

I can't remember how long it's been since I just sat and watched his chest rise and fall. My gut has settled but my heart was still jumpy. I looked at the streaks on his face and sighed. "God I really do love you." The revelation both makes me smile and makes me naseous again.

*a/n: Wow. A lot going on here huh? Sorry it takes so long to update. But wow why do I write such sad stuff? 

Anyways if you want to talk to me come find me on tumblr.*