Why do you, with your small hands,

try to carry all these wounds on your back?

It isn't for any one person's sake, please don't lose sight of that

Why am I, while hesitating,

unable to escape?

What I hope for is the sun, the sun to light the way...

It’s Baekhyun’s routine schedule. Every day from 4 till 7 pm, he will sit on the bench and watches Kris playing basketball.

Baekhyun isn’t alone. Many girls are there with her watch their basketball team practices. Actually, they are there to see Kris. Wu Yi Fan or going to Kris is Kingka’s of their school. He doesn’t like this label, but never protest. He doesn’t care, either. As long as no one steps to his space, he wouldn’t mind.

“Baekie, time to go home” He is too drown on his thought till doesn’t realize that the practice is over.

He nods and gathers his things. Baekhyun and Kris lived in same block, they were neighbor. Their parents were good friends.  They used to be good friends. That’s why they become best friends as well.

“You know Kris all of the girls in our school are head over heels toward you” Kris chuckles and ruffles Baekhyun’s hair.

“I’m into guy, you know that really well Baekhyun” Kris says casually. Baekhyun shakes his head.

“Hyung, it won’t be easy and I tell you from the start our society won’t let it” Baekhyun sighs. Kris smiles bitterly, he knows it from the start it will be hard way.

“I have no partner and I have no interest to someone” Kris says with weak smile. Baekhyun knows Kris lies to him. He knows Kris attach to Sehun captain of Gungdo (Korean traditional archery) club. He can’t let Kris break down. How he wants his hyung to be happy, but what can he do?

He is drown in his thought when Kris stops and makes him bumps into his back hard make him falls on his . Kris laughs when he realizes what happens to Baekhyun. He helps Baekhyun to stand and holds his shoulders, he sees straight to Baekhyun’s eyes.

“Even if I will never get Sehun or society will turn back on me. I know you won’t do that. That’s what I need. My best friend” Kris says sincerely. Baekhyun fakes his smile and he hopes Kris doesn’t notice it. He thanks God for grants his wish.

You fill the way hyung… And I’ll be there, stand by you….

Flashback

“Baeki-ah, can you help me baking the cake?” His mother shouted.

“Yes, mom” Baekhyun approached her in the kitchen. Baekhyun settled the temperature to bake the cake and helped his mother melted the chocolate. His mother stopped his job and turned off the stove.

“Baeki-ah, we need to talk” His mother deadpanned. Baekhyun nodded, something must have happened he thought.

They sat on the couch. Bakhyun felt really nervous and he waited his mother to start the conversation. His mother took deep breathe.

“Society can be so harsh and the world can be cruel. People speak out loud about Human Right, but sometime it’s odd to hear. We are believers, you know how God’s rule. We won’t talk about religion, but we will talk about human, instead. Human is unique, human is perfect creature, human is no one has exact description what human is actually. You know what makes us different from another creature that God created?” Baekhyun tilted his head aside. He was still confused. His mother pinched his bridge of nose.

“How could I have you as my son, silly” His mother smiled. His mother held his hand and brought it to his chest.

“We have heart and brain, not just as physically important organ that keep us live, but also make us act humanly”

“Mom, what are you going to tell me?” Baekhyun asked impatiently. His mother shook her head. It wasn’t something new for her. Baekhyun…. Kim Baekhyun… Kim Kibum’s son got his father diva’s behavior. Well, not to add another reason his mother wasn’t that different from his father sometime.

“Well, let’s browse” Baekhyun looked his mother amusedly.

“Brain, from a philosophical point of view, what makes the brain special in comparison to other organs is that it forms the physical structure that generates the mind. As Hippocrates put it : “Men ought to know that from nothing else but brain come joys, delights, laughter and sports, and sorrows, griefs, despondency, and lamentation” Baekhyun nodded, still he didn’t get what his mother was trying to say, but he willingly listened.

"Avicena state [The heart is the] root of all faculties and gives the faculties of nutrition, life, apprehension, and movement to several other members, in philosophical point of view of Andreas de Laguna If indeed from the heart alone rise anger or passion, fear, terror, and sadness; if from it alone spring shame, delight, and joy, why should I say more?"

“Mom, honestly what do you want to say?”

“Man uses his brain more often than his heart, woman uses her heart more often than her brain, but as human we know we use heart and brain no matter we are men or woman” Baekhyun nodded in agreement.

“Just listen to your mother then you can talk, okay?” Baekhyun nodded eagerly.

“Mother and father as you know we are holding different citizenship. Mother and father needed to convince our parents that we can be happy family even we come from different race, different culture, different background, different language *laugh* well thank you for Great Britain to spread English, though. It’s really hard at first when your family doubting your relationship and told you everything would go wrong. That time I just have few friends standing by me and support me. Your father has his silly friends who won’t ever let your father falling and loss hope” Baekhyun laughed, uncle Jinki, Jonghyun-ahjushi, Minho-hyung (he won’t let Baekhyun call him uncle or ahjushi, I’m not that old he always say) and uncle Taemin. Yes, they are silly, crazy and what words can describe them more right than unbelievable. He never had chance to know uncle Taemin, but he must be good person like his parents tell him.

“Our relationship wasn’t wrong in the eyes of society, God or law. Never be the wrong one, the problems were just many differences made our relatives and friends doubted our readiness. They didn’t want we suffered or regret our decision in the end. They said love isn’t enough. Yes, love isn’t enough you need strong heart and brain in this case as mind of course. Mommy struggled to finish the dissertation, your dad not just struggled for his own dissertation, but also worked to provide better life and convinced both our family that we would survive. We believe God will always give us the way and with support of our best friends we can make this family, but…..” His mother paused, Baekhyun looked up from his position that knows had his head on his mother lap.

“If uncle Minho, Jinki, Jonghyun, and Taemin left your father and against his decision then aunt Seohyun, Miki, Karen, uncle Zain didn’t support me I don’t know what will happen then” Baekhyun felt shiver down to his spine. No… That’s mean no Kim Baekhyun in this world. That's !!!!

His mother made Baekhyun sat and saw straight at his eyes.

“Baekhyun and Kris are best friends. No matter what, they are best friends. Good friend won’t ever turn their back. They will support each other happy or sad, warn if they make a mistake and never leave their friend. God blesses human with brain and heart to make them acts humanly and find their way. Even though in your way you just has dim light, but their light will guide us. Even though our eyes just can see about 40 m, but we still go this far and live. You don’t need to know what will happen in the future, you just need to do your best in this time. And all mommy knows the best acts you can do now is never letting him break down and hate his self”

“What if Kris doesn’t listen to me. I'm afraid, mom if they turn their back to me. Society will discouraged him and that’s what should I do. So what if he is still a ……” His mother placed her index finger on Baekhyun’s lips.

“Kim Baekhyun won’t ever leave his friend no matter what. Even this world turns back to him, Kim Baekhyun will stand by his side. You still have mommy, daddy and you know us so well we won't ever let you down”

“What if they bring the name of God and use religion, mom?”

Kris’s POV

“Mommy, we are back” We shout.

“Boys come, uncle Minho brings us boxes of ice cream” We are running to the kitchen, we greet uncle Minho and Kibum-appa when we cross the living room. I'm not fan of sweet things, but how can I refuse it when Baekhyun’s clap excitedly and mommy (she insisted me to call her by that) shoves spoon full of strawberry ice cream to my mouth again and again. Baekhyun laughs his out, he knows how his mother always whining to me, stated that I need gain of more weight. After feel it is enough, she lets me to go to my room. Well, Baekhyun is still there to eat all he can get.

Yes, I’m living with Baekhyun’s family. My family disowned me after they knew my relationship with my basketball friend. I can’t believe Baekhyun and his family come to me, Kibum-appa made deal with my father he took me away and my family has no right to laid their hand and they have no right of me anymore. My father was more than happy to do that. I changed my first and surname. Kibum-appa helped me a lot, uncle Minho arranged all documents I need before we moved. They didn’t support my preference, but they never said anything. I know Baekhyun gave me cold soldier at first, but he held me with all his might after. They are believers and God will is their way. They don’t support gay, but they never hate gay. They are disagree same--marriage, but don’t feel disgust.

I’m coward. I never let out anything about it. I never approach guy. I just can’t, I like Sehun? Yes, I like him. I really like him, but society will they accept this?     I don’t care about society, but I care about this family. This is I can grateful for, the family that accept me, the family that never treat me as trash, the family that hugs me when my biological family threw me away.

Knock… Knock….

“Come in, mom”

“Kris” I jump of my bed and smiles sheepishly. Kibum-appa and uncle Minho is standing in front of my room.

“Ehm… Appa and….” I feel odd, it’s rare to have them around me without mommy and Baekhyun except they have something important to tell. Kris’ palms are already sweated.

Kibum-appa and uncle Minho sit on the couch in my room, they look each other before uncle Minho stand and kneels down. It’s actually unnecessary well even I’m sit in edge of bed I’m still height and higher than uncle Minho. He takes my hand and puts a letter on my palm.

“What is it uncle?” I ask confusedly. They want me to leave this house, I look at Kibum-appa worriedly. Kibum-appa approaches me and hugs me.

“Kris, maybe at first I do this because of guilty. Please, believe me now. We love you unconditionally, just the way you are. We want your happiness, get your happiness, Son. Don't be afraid, don't hold back yourself”

They leave Kris alone. Kris opens the letter carefully. From the paper and the envelope he is sure this letter is really old.

He widens his eyes after reads the letter. He runs down stair where we see Minho, Kibum also Jinki and Jonghyun. They smile when they see him, he makes his step and hugs Kibum. Kibum surprises, but smiles afterward. Kris looks at them and hugs them one by one. Baekhyun feels odd, but his mother shoves another waffle to his mouth so he shrugs it off. He can ask Kris later or he won’t ask him and just pretends not to see like what his mother does.

February 21th 1992

I want to say good bye properly, but I have no chance. I can live even society look at me down. I love Kai, both of us are men. I really am aware it’s wrong, it against our society, it against God will. I never chose who I’m falling in love with. I never want myself this way, but I never regret for who I am. I know all of you will be disappointed at me. Well, you should be… Hahaha…..

I’m really grateful to have you all in my life. Kibum-hyung take care of your wife and the baby soon to be born, Minho-hyung be great lawyer like you want to be, Jinki-hyung thank to take care of me, Jonghyun-hyung I’ll never be strong like you. Don’t feel guilty because it’s not your fault. I need to be strong, but when all come to dead end and no matter what I try it won’t be same. I won’t blame you to turn your back and feel disgust of me. I know the consequences, I really know, but it seems I’m not that strong to face the consequences. I dream of reaccept, but I’m too afraid to think about it. I’m afraid to hope. I wish I can think “reality” never exist, “fiction” is exist, but that’s not the rule. Reality and fiction is something different when you still have your fiction no matter how hard the reality, you will still have hope to keep you exist in this harsh reality, but now all I can say is I can’t hold my fiction anymore. It’s too real to loss you, hyungie. Hyung, I know how miserable Kai’s live now, I wish you help me to take care of him. Maybe it’s the end of my story, but it’s new page of Kai’s story. Someday, I wish you understand. Hyung, I wish you can forgive me. You’ll always be my best friends, buddies, brothers. Thank you…..

Your brother,

Taemin

God, forgive me if love the kid in my embrace. Forgive me to holds his hand. Forgive me to accept him in my life. God, you teach us to love unconditionally. God, is it sin to accept and love this boy….  God even if it's a sin, for once in my life I don't regret to make this sin. I hope you don’t mind it.                           Taemin, I will never turn my back from him. Never……

You said, "I had a long dream...

It was a very sad dream,

but what I saw wasn't one bit clouded..."

I said, "It's okay to cry,

because I'll stay by your side no matter what."

What I wish for is a hand, a hand to reach up to me...