title: broken fixations
pairing: gri (main), gtop
genre: angst, darkfic
rating: r (language, !heavy deep content sighs)
length: 2062
warnings: abuse, violence (and probably crack characters otl)
summary: seungri wants to hug jiyong until he breaks, but he's already broken. the story told in three different perspectives.
a/n: omg i hope you like this ;___; i selected a few stories and ultimately decided to do this even though i wanted to write a gtop T T !unrequited, hehe. this is just heavy i think. i kinda got depressed half way writing this lol, it's actually sad if you think bout it. T T ofc never never never will bb ever be like this. hope yer enjoyed reading this!! <3 (more notes at the bottom)

p.s) everything is deliberately in lapslock idk why i thought it's pretty ;_; OTL

remixee author: seamanthedog
title of work remixed: bruises and hugs
link to work remixed: http://seamanthedog.livejournal.com/10318.html

broken fixations.

seungri wants to hug jiyong until he breaks. until he breaks and cracks under intensification, until he shows and bares it all. because seungri hates lies and cover-ups but jiyong is a living personification of those. he wants to hold him, be the one to catch all the fallen pieces and be the one who pieces it all back, with undying love, because seungri is all about giving.

yet jiyong takes none.

he pretends and acts, a blur whiff of feigned ignorance, and it kills seungri, it kills him but at the same time wills him to strengthen because he needs to be strong for jiyong. he needs to be, because jiyong can't be strong for himself and seungri has to be strong for him, for many reasons, yet one too many amounting to the same outcome.

youngbae is jiyong's best friend, and seungri has considered asking him for advice, because no jiyong hyung isn't listening to me (maybe he'll listen to you?). but all earlier notions are dismissed when he catches the look on youngbae's face one night, after dinner, when jiyong and seunghyun are having another fight (again). and realization hits seungri hard that youngbae knows, he knew, knew it all along but never intervened. and seungri wants to hurl the plates at his face, wants to shout at him, knock some sense because what the is wrong with you? you're his best friend but you're not doing anything!

but jiyong cries, silent tears cascade, and seungri doesn't confront youngbae because he has jiyong to worry about, jiyong to care for, jiyong to pull into an embrace. jiyong to hug until he ing breaks.

(and seungri is always there to catch him if he ever falls.)

seungri doesn't remember what exactly happened, or how it even began, he just remembers the dynamic shift between the leader and the oldest somewhere along the year, when probably it no longer is love that they deal with and are unsure what they actually are anymore but neither of them says stop.

they started off with frequent hugs and then stolen kisses (seungri saw, and jiyong actually told him) and jiyong becomes smitten. seunghyun hyung claims he's in love and seungri thinks nothing but hopelesshopelesshopeless. he doesn't know why he's got that sudden idea of them having to deal with hopeless love, maybe because seungri saw the ending at the very beginning - probably even before the inception, or maybe, just maybe because it wasn't him.

they never really got to the ending even though jiyong started to break apart (slowly) one day. seunghyun got worst, his temper becomes absurd and one tuesday night, seungri has his hand outstretched, fingers gripping tightly on his jaw and doesn't budge. "apologize to him now hyung."

seunghyun's eyes bore holes at seungri's face.

"apologize to jiyong right now!" and seunghyun's brain clicks like magnets and he knows seungri's little secret and tells him, you wished you were me. (because i have him and you don't. because i hit him and he still loves me, and you hug and fix him but he's still doesn't give anything back.)

seungri releases his grip and jiyong isn't shouting at them anymore, that everything is ing okay stop fighting, but he doesn't see that seungri has left hand curled into a fist and crack, he breaks seunghyun's cheekbone.

jiyong rushes forward to help, only to be shunned by seunghyun because he hates weak moments and because they are broken and hopeless, broken and hopeless and he slams the door. jiyong shouts at seungri that he shouldn't have done that, because why the for? that was their problem, he shouldn't intervene, and added that, "you shouldn't have done that for me."

seungri hears the last line and his heart doesn't shatter, but love slowly evolves to hate at the very moment (and maybe he understands why jiyong gets hit, but he isn't going to lay a finger on the man he loves). seungri sees a vase in the living room and smashes it on the floor, a deafening sound erupts, then proceeds to pick the glass shards up and jiyong can only watch in shock, and stays rooted to the spot even when seungri coils his fingers around the glass shards and squeezes his palm.

if it was painful seungri didn't show, because his expression doesn't change, his face doesn't even fall and his upfront stays and then flungs the broken glasses on the floor. jiyong sees blood trickling down seungri's wrist and he still doesn't know what to do. " you," seungri spits, malice laced strongly in his voice because well i actually did it for myself, not for you, for ing once.

bigbang's comeback becomes pushed back till the next month with excuses that fans buy like "bigbang wishes to work harder to give even more, please wait for it everybody!" but no one knows, that there isn't anymore bigbang just seunghyun, jiyong, seungri, daesung and youngbae.

+

jiyong wishes he fell in love with seungri because seungri is the epitome of unconditional love, but he hates that his heart is with choi seunghyun, who has lost his sanity somewhere during his new drama of war and bloodshed and death, jiyong is certain that some part of seunghyun died too. he think it's absurd and possibility zero to negative to have develop disorders or temper issues during ing filming, (isn't that acting? isn't it all fake and make-believe?) but jiyong knows he is wrong when seunghyun hits him for the very first time.

jiyong has a cut on his lip and a swollen left eye and knocks on youngbae's door. youngbae attends to his wounds and bruises and hugs him tight when jiyong breaks down but he stops going to youngbae when he tells him that "you should break up with seunghyun hyung ji." because he can't, because he loves him, he can't live without his kisses and smiles, he can't live without his laugher and hugs. besides, seunghyun always apologizes afterwards and kisses his bruises and the pain goes away, not for long but it is enough for jiyong to forget.

but then seungri comes along and messes the balance of nature and he hates himself for turning to him whenever he feels torn apart, and he finds himself wanting to hear him laugh, see the twinkle in his eyes when he's happy and feel his arms around his neck or waist, anywhere close to him. he finds himself actually falling for lee seunghyun but no, his heart is still ultimately caged with the older hyun.

it becomes habitual, and jiyong gets used to seungri and his warmth, seungri and his protective side, seungri and his gentle touch and soft gazes, seungri and his understanding heart. and probably that is why jiyong got accustomed to it that he loses himself as time passes, that he starts to take from seungri and seungri willingly gives continually.

his heart says no, what the hell is wrong with you, but he wants a taste of seungri, he wants a taste of how ceaseless love is, of how needy seungri is towards him. maybe it's a consideration of ing selfish, but it's not selfish if seungri wants it too, is it?

their lips crashes and they kiss hungrily but seungri is always gentle with him, he's soft yet passionate at the same time and jiyong feels something wet against his lips and no, is ri crying? no, please no. they fall ungraciously to the ground, bodies pressing closely together, breaths melding into one, how their hands roam urgently all over and then jiyong becomes confused if it is seungri kissing jiyong's misery away or jiyong kissing seungri's pain away.

but jiyong snaps all of a sudden, when seungri rubs his finger absent-mindedly against his right jaw and feels the concealer being rubbed off and the aching of a recent bruise jiyong gets, reminds him of seunghyun. guilt washes so drastically out of the blue over him that he thinks yes this is ing selfish and no seungri doesn't deserve being treated like this, and pulls himself away. he promptly rises to his feet and fakes nonchalance and there's a tug at his heart when he catches the hurt expression plastered on seungri's face. jiyong thinks it's unfair for seungri to be dragged into this with him and he's sorry for ever stealing his heart away but this is for the best - seungri wouldn't get hurt in anywhere if the line is drawn clearly.

but jiyong doesn't know, that everytime he gives a little then pulls a yard back - that is what hurt seungri the most. and he's hurting him everyday but he doesn't know.

(what can he do if he does know? he wants to be with seunghyun.)

+

seunghyun tells himself he will ing stop. he will stop hurting jiyong like that because he doesn't deserve it. he has to control himself, even though he gets surges of unexplainable rage overwhelming him. unfortunately jiyong always happens to be there whenever his monstrous side takes over and he lunges forth.

jiyong retaliates sometimes but somewhere along the line seunghyun realizes that jiyong is tired of the games he play and the cheats he draw. that he truly loves jiyong and that he will fix himself and fix jiyong back but seunghyun is unaware that once the limit is crossed, the line being over, there is no reversal, and that he has to live with the consequences.

jiyong doesn't leave, just simply doesn't and he wishes he would, that he'd leave him for seungri, or that seungri had more ing courage to win him over he'd be free. (or maybe not, he feels like he lost a huge part of his soul.)

and then he gets angry because everything is not right and he is angry at the company for giving him solo projects when they are a ing goddamn band, why does he need to do this role? and jiyong walks in the very moment, a smile on his face and hands in his pocket and seunghyun's fury escalates tremendously because why is jiyong even smiling when he's feeling so beat down? so worn out? so ing lost and jiyong has the cheek to be smiling? and before he knows it he sees blood on jiyong's face and there is no more smilesa and seunghyun's vision blurs slightly with a rush of calm envelopes him suddenly.

jiyong is no longer smiling and there is blood on his face. he is on the ground, his knees huddled up and arms wrapping around it tightly and he just sits there and stares.

oh nonono what have i done?

jiyong i am sorry, seunghyun wants to say but the words die at his throat. he realizes he is crying and hastily wipes off his tears and stares helplessly at jiyong. he is afraid to approach, for the fear of the monster in him again but what the happened? why is it that jiyong has to walk in the moment he feels his temper rising? it's not fair, no it's not fair. jiyong doesn't deserve this treatment but yet seunghyun doesn't know how to stop.

(oh right, he was the one who called jiyong in.)

that is the last time anything like this is ever going to happen, seunghyun tells himself, he repeats it over and over in his head and bolts out of the room but he briefly forgets that he tells himself that everytime he hits jiyong.

+

jiyong stays stationery on the spot and he feels hands on him, prodding his arms away gently and rushes in for an embrace. jiyong is lifeless and too broken for any other attempted fixing and he tears up, then wills up whatever that's left in him and throws his hands around seungri and clings tightly. very tightly, because he wants to hug seungri until he's broken, so they can be the same. jiyong can't be fixed. he's so sorry that he is too broken.

+

seungri feels the grip on his back tighten and he breathes in jiyong and hugs him tighter too. he wants to hug jiyong until he breaks, but he doesn't know jiyong is already broken.

(right from the very beginning.)

END

extra: ohmigosh i felt like i wrote tabi and ji badly ooc over here): because tabi is an angel and also a 5 y.o and ji would just punch him back twice as hard irl HAHA. but i wrote this with your original idea and flow in mind and tried to add in the dire effects of violence and abused in a relationship. it's very scary yet true when the loved ones find themself very hard to break away from the person hurting them): oh wells tee hee. hope you enjoyed this!!!