I watch as Lee Seunghyun wakes up. I laugh a little at the cruelty of habits as his hand reaches out and fumbles at the left side of the bed, only to realize that it is empty. And cold. He drags himself out of bed, taking his time as he digs in his closet for a decent outfit to wear and trudges into the bathroom. Taking twenty minutes more than usual, because the impatient one of the two is not around to rush him.

He stands in front of the mirror, staring at the reflection. He pokes a little at the dark rims under his eyes. And if I can talk, I will tell him to put on more concealer, because he looks like he is carrying the weight of the world – all under his eyes.

But I can’t. And so I watch.

The drive over to the dance room was silent except for the dull roar of the radio that plays softly in the background, a routine that doesn’t really keep the silence away. But I would say it is not the silence, but the habit. The habit of having a slender arm wrapped tightly around him, and the habit of having that deep voice whispering jokes and sweet nothings into his ear. The habit he is forced to quit that makes the ride all the more silent and lonely.

He glances in the rear-view mirror and flashes a smirk, a trademark of Seungri’s. It comes so easily, he’s had enough practice over the years to perfect it. In that one moment, Lee Seunghyun had transformed into Seungri. The hard part was smiling for the whole day, keeping the mask from falling off lest anyone sees what Lee Seunghyun really feels inside. It’s not like they knew anything about their illicit relationship, after all. To everyone else, Jiyong had just suddenly decided that sharing a house with Seungri was too much and had moved out, ignoring the curious questions that had been asked his way. And Seunghyun had kept his mouth shut, always the one to look out for his hyungs, even if they didn’t deserve it.

The car ride took forty minutes. Forty minutes of deafening silence, I wonder how the three remain so oblivious.

Practice begins with swift, avoiding eyes between Seunghyun and Jiyong, with TOP and Daesung lounging amicably together and Youngbae hollering at them to get up and start practicing. SeungRi’s got a little smile on his face and the members greet him normally, never suspecting a thing. I watch and I wonder again why didn’t any one notice the faltering smile, and the lingering hurt in those big soulful eyes.

I watch as Jiyong gets friendly and affectionate with the other members throughout their session. And I watch as Seunghyun tears a little inside, but tries valiantly to smile winningly the whole time. But these little touches and hugs distract him, and Seunghyun fails time after time to do the dance correctly.

The first time it happens, Jiyong keeps the dance going until the end before making his remarks.

“Yah,” he barks, not bothering to say his name. “Do it right next time.”

Seunghyun forces a cocky grin on Seungri’s face. “Sure, hyung. No worries. Of course I’ll do it right, I mean, it’s me we’re talking about.”

Youngbae tells him to slap that grin off his face and to listen to his hyung. It gives Seunghyun the excuse to let this wearing grin slide a little, but not too much.

But Seungri never does get it right. Again and again, Seungri slips, trips, and forgets his moves.

I flinch each time, expecting the worst to happen. And it did.

With each run, Jiyong’s scolding get more and more severe, more biting and harsh. Seungri’s grin slowly disappears. And I can see the heart breaking bit by bit. And if I can do anything, I will poke some sense into Jiyong.

But I can’t. And so I watch.

Its five hours later that Jiyong finally snaps, his face red with anger as he shouts at the top of his voice.

Seunghyun closes his eyes, but I can see the tears at the brim of his eyes.

“…Have you lost your brain? Can’t even get these simple freaking steps right. Even TOP ing gets it. What the hell are you good for, huh, SeungRi? What’s the point of you in BIGBANG? Why are you even here?!”

And I know Jiyong has gone too far. Because a drop of tear slides down Seungri’s cheek. And Seungri never cries. Seunghyun cries, in his sleep, alone. But not Seungri. Because Seungri is too prideful to show his weakness. And the other members realize it too. I watch as Top looks fiercely at the fuming leader.

More and more tears escape Seungri’s eyes as he glares at Jiyong. Because his words are all-too familiar. They were the same words that he’d hissed before, behind closed doors in their house, except they had been talking about something entirely different. But it hurts all the same.

I watch as he turns on his heel and stumbles his way out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him and collapsing against it. Sobs heave through him. If I can, I will tell him that I understand. That it hurts to have the one you love scream and lunge hurtful words at you. That it tears you apart bit by bit to wish you don’t but yet you do. You do love him, still.

But I can’t. And so I watch.

Through the door, voices float out and Seunghyun listens.

“What the hell, Jiyong?” Youngbae demands.

“The third freaking time in two weeks!” TOP snaps.

“Stop being such a jackass, Jiyong-hyung!” Daesung interjects angrily.

I will for Jiyong to say something. Anything. That shows that he cares. Even a little.

But there’s no response from JiYong, although there’s a slapping and shuffling that sounds like Jiyong packing up his bag carelessly, apparently ignoring the others.

Practice unofficially ends two hours before the scheduled time.

I watch as Seungri pushes himself away from the door, unwilling to listen to any more of this silence. He takes the twists and turns and stumbles up stairs blindly, hardly able to see through the tears in his eyes. He arrives on the top of the building and sits on the edge of the roof, head in hands. He shivers in the slightly chilled air, but he ignored the bite of the cold, the burning grief warming him enough.

It’s an hour and twenty minutes before the door to the rooftop opens gently and Daesung steps in. I sigh a little in disappointment. Jiyong is just too prideful, isn’t he?

I can see the exact disappointment in Seunghyun’s eyes as he turns and sees Daesung.

“What are you doing here?” He asks.

Daesung says nothing, but the concern that etches across his face speaks for him.

“I am fine.” Seunghyun says, as he wipes the remaining tears, putting on the strong face once again.

Have I mentioned it before? I hate pride. Because pride is always followed by regrets.

Daesung remains silent as he walks forward and takes a seat beside the younger.

“He didn’t mean it, you know,” Daesung says quietly, breaking the silence.

Seunghyun snorts, “You think so? Really?”

Daesung nods.

“But, it’s not that he didn’t say those things to hurt you,” Daesung continues.

“Look, whatever is going on between you two—”

“There’s nothing going on between us,” Seungri interjects quickly.

Daesung shakes his head, a reluctant and knowing look in his eyes. “Whatever it is between you two, it wasn’t your fault. No, really,” Daesung says at Seungri’s eye roll.

“Listen, from what I’ve overheard between Youngbae and Jiyong hyung, it seems as though Jiyong’s been having a really tough time with relationships. I mean, you can see it, he writes all his songs from experience, you know, and they’re not exactly the happiest in the world,” Daesung points out. “And then, recently, hyung’s taken up a new kind of… game.”

“He… he picks up people. Guys and girls. And he plays with them and owns them, and leads them on, and he does it until they break. He’s broken so many toys, Ri,” DaeSung says with pained eyes. “He says that the only way to avoid being hurt is to be the one that inflicts the pain. It’s what he does to fill up that emptiness in his heart.”

I rolled my eyes. What a stupid game. Really.

“But he doesn’t mean it, Ri! He knows it’s wrong, and it kills him every time he does it. But he can’t help it, Seungri. Because he’s been hurt too many times, and because he’s all so broken inside, he doesn’t want to take the risk again. He has built up a barrier in his heart. He doesn’t mean them; he loves you, Ri. He just doesn’t know how to show it – the right way”

“I don’t know how that’s supposed to make me feel, Daesung,” Seunghyun interjects angrily, his fist clenched tightly by his side “But it seems to me that you’re trying to tell me that Jiyong used me. Used me and broke me and threw me away like I was nothing!” he shouts towards Daesung. “And that he knew full well what he was doing. That he wanted to hurt me; that he didn’t really care!”

“But yet I am supposed to understand, understand all these trash he is throwing at me, because he’s all so broken like a little boy who’s candy has been snatched” Seunghyun screams, unable to control his emotions anymore.

“Of course. Because he is the all so great Jiyong,” Seunghyun says sarcastically. “So whatever he does is all right. And I am the useless maknae and so I have to accept whatever he throws at me”

“Seung—”

“Funny, isn’t it?” Seungri asks, cutting Daesung off. “After all you guys have said about me being self-centered and egotistical and cocky, you guys haven’t said a word about how ing selfish and ignorant and exactly like me your precious leader is. Not to the press, not to me. You just let it go; it didn’t really matter anyway, right?”

“I hate him, hyung.” A last shuddering statement before all the fight is knocked out of him once again. “I really hate Jiyong.”

I flinch at the tone of his voice. Because it sounds exactly like the words out of his mouth. It sounds as if Seunghyun meant every word he said.

SLAM!

Both boys jump and turn at the sudden noise, the one that could have only come from the door that opened to the roof. They scramble to their feet, Seunghyun’s heart pounding at the thought of being overheard.

He turns to look at Daesung. “You won’t say anything, right? Promise me!” he says at Daesung’s hesitating face. After a slight nod, Seunghyun rushes through the door and leaves Daesung there alone.

I sigh. Because I know this is it. If only Jiyong had the courage to step out from behind that door. But he didn’t. And so because of his pride, he will have to face with what follows it.

--

Its three months later that Seunghyun is lying comfortably in Top’s arms. Top is different. Top cares, and he shows it - the right way. Top doesn’t hurt him. Top doesn’t yell at him and break his heart.

Top is not Jiyong. But that’s exactly why Seunghyun chooses him.

I watch in silence like I always did. And I am in awe at how people mask their feelings and delude themselves. That even love and happiness can be faked.

If I can, I will tell Seunghyun he is lying to his heart.

But I can’t, and so I watch.

--

One week after Seunghyun throws himself into Top’s arms, I stand in the exact same room. Except it’s Jiyong on the bed, and not Seunghyun.

I watch as Jiyong buries himself into the bed, taking in the familiar scent. And I can almost feel the regrets in him. And I know he wishes for me to do something, to turn back and give him another chance.

If I can, I will.

But I can’t.

And so I move on. For only so, will he get better because Time heals all wounds. For I am Time, and I stop for no one.