Shelly didn’t want to wake up so she sealed her eyes closed in protest. She was just so comfortable. Her body was surrounded with warmth. Her pillow felt stiffer than usual, but she liked it better. It smelled different too. It smelled good; like soap and musk. She moved her arm over the mattress. The mattress felt firmer too. She rubbed her hand over it and felt a small hard round object. Is that a button? Her head rose and fell a little. Wait, is this pillow moving?

            She opened her eyes to find herself lying with her head on someone’s muscled chest. His arms were wrapped around her upper body snuggly. She looked down to see that her leg was thrown over his. As her eyes s up his body to his face she noticed that he was wearing a suit with only the jacket missing.

            She looked up and her eyes finally rested on Hoya’s peacefully sleeping face. Why is Hoya in my bed, she asked herself. She would’ve been worried that they had done more than sleep if they weren’t both fully clothed.  

            Normally, if she woke up next to a man that she didn’t remember falling asleep next to she would have been scared. She should have backed away from him quickly, but she still felt comfortable. And safe.

            She rested her chin on his chest and stared at his face. She quickly realized he hadn’t been sleeping as peacefully as she thought. She saw now that his lips were turned down in a little frown. His thick eyebrows that were usually one of her favorite features of his face were stitched together with worry. Who sleeps like this?

            She didn’t mean to be a creep, but she couldn’t resist reaching out to fix his handsome face to her personal liking. She tentatively pushed the corners of his lips up so he looked less frowny. He wasn’t smiling, but at least now he looked content. She put her thumb between his eyebrows and rubbed it over his skin with a smile. The furrow quickly disappeared.

            She took her hand back and admired her work. She brought the hand up to rest her chin in it instead of on his chest when she felt pain from her wrist. She looked at it and saw that the skin looked a little red and raw. She brought her other wrist to her face and saw the skin looked similar.

            She naturally felt fear curl up in her gut. Her hands roamed over her body until she felt pain on her thigh. She squirmed out of Hoya’s arms carefully so she could roll up her pant leg. She had a couple small scratches that didn’t hurt at all. What hurt were the finger shaped bruises that marked up her pale skin. What have I done?

            Shelly nearly jumped out of her skin when Hoya suddenly touched her shoulder. She leapt off the bed and straight across the room.

            “It’s okay Shelly. It’s just me,” Hoya said as he got up. His hands were out in front of him while he slowly approached as if she was a wild animal that might strike out at anytime.

            “What did I do?” She asked quietly while she tried not to cry.

            Her words seemed to make him angry and impatient. “I told you last night you didn’t do anything wrong.” His words were sweet, but whether she remembered it or not she knew this was her fault. I only do wrong.

            “I was with you last night?” She asked with a hint of surprise.

            “You don’t remember?”

            “I remember going to the masquerade and dancing with Jules… but then she left I think. I said something terrible to her.” She felt guilty about what she had said about Julia leaving her. She had felt hurt in that moment and stupidly decided to hurt the one that cared about her most.

            “And then we danced…” he urged her to remember.

            She remembered it now. With the emotional stress after the talk with Julia and the drinks in her she had lost all control of her inhibitions. She saw Hoya standing there on the dance floor and couldn’t stop herself. At first she had thought that it wasn’t him, but she knew his dark careful eyes and the hard set to his mouth. It was the same expression he wore at that concert when someone threw something at Julia. Angry, protective, and passionate.

            The feelings she had been developing for him came out of her in the most base and purely animalistic way they could have unfortunately. She had enjoyed dancing with him like that, but she wished she hadn’t. What must he think of me? Would he even be wrong to think it?

            “Tell me what happened next,” she insisted. Hoya still stood far away from her. His hands weren’t out in front of him anymore. Instead they rested at his sides. As he spoke his fists clenched without his realizing it.

            “You ran off and found someone else to dance with,” he said with his mouth in a grim line.

            “He did this,” she stated as she held up her wrists. They were revealed when the sleeves of her pajamas fell to her elbow. She was glad they were just a little red and not bruised. She didn’t want anyone else to notice.

            “Your leg and your neck too.”

            She brought a hand to her neck and felt that the skin there was a little raw too. When she touched her skin she got a few quick flashes of the night, but she didn’t see the assault. She had blocked it. That’s what she did apparently when she couldn’t deal with something. It wasn’t the first time she had blocked memories like this.

            She suddenly remembered crying. She remembered falling in Hoya’s arms. She remembered babbling incoherently.

            “Tell me what you are hiding from Shelly. Please,” he pleaded as he took another step forward. “I promise I’ll keep it to myself.”

            She had been fighting for years not to show weakness like this. If you were weak people took advantage of you. That was why she acted strong, confident, and y. She wanted to avoid situations like this. Revealing her past wouldn’t help anyone. It would just make it harder for her to look him in the eye. It could ruin everything.

            But she had revealed so much to Hoya already. She hadn’t revealed everything, but he definitely knew more about her then he did before. She realized that he probably officially knew more about her than anyone else.

            She couldn’t look at him. What must he think? How can I go back to the way I was? Is that pity I see in his eyes? She felt fear coming over her again. She remembered that he wanted to tell Julia. He had promised not to say anything, but could she trust him not to break his promise. Shelly wasn’t sure. She oddly trusted him more than she trusted anyone else though. Except maybe for Julia.

            He knows too much already. She had wanted to leave all of her past behind in America and start fresh here. At least that’s what she told herself. Truth was she felt like she was on death row. It was only a matter of time before she had to go back. She was only supposed to be there to catch up with her cousin and see her married.

            After Julia, Hoya was the second to last person that she wanted to know about her past. What would he think if he knew everything? He wasn’t lying when he said he wanted to know. His eyes were piercing hers as she stood there not knowing what to say or do.

            Maybe I should just tell him. It wasn’t like it could ruin anything with him. There wasn’t anything there but a possible friendship that would end as soon as she went back to America.

            There was nothing between them that could survive that kind of distance. At least she didn’t think so. She liked him. She had liked him before she even met him. She started out watching only Julia in the videos, but after the first time she noticed Hoya she couldn’t stop watching him.

            The distance didn’t matter though if she actually revealed herself to him. He would never be able to truly have feelings for her. And why should he? He deserves better. She wasn’t suitable for anyone. She was too messed up. She didn’t know how to just be herself anymore with all the secrets she was keeping from them.

            Maybe if I just tell him…Maybe I can at least breathe easier if he knows.

            “I’m not the same girl Julia knew when we were children,” she started slowly. “A lot has happened since her parents died that she doesn’t know about. I didn’t want to tell her because I still know her heart and she would blame herself even though nothing that has happened was her fault.”

            “What happened after her parents died?”

            “Well my mom-” She snapped shut when the bedroom door opened.

            Julia poked her head in the room with a worried expression. She glanced at Shelly once before looking to Hoya.

            “There you are… Hoya, your mom is on the phone,” she said quietly.

            “Can you take a message? I’m actually in the middle of something.”

            Julia looked to Shelly with a curious expression on her face before answering.

            “She said it was important.”

            “Okay,” he said with an exasperated sigh. “Shelly I’ll be back.”

            “It’s fine Hoya,” she said with a nervous smile as she waved him off.

            When he left the room Shelly stood with her hand over her beating heart. She didn’t want to stand still anymore so she left the room to go see how everyone else was. She looked into the kitchen but was distracted when she saw Hoya on the phone in the main room. Julia was standing beside him holding his hand as she peered into his face. His expression was one of pure shock.

            He listened for a moment in silence.

            “I’m on my way,” he said gruffly before hanging the phone up.

            “What’s wrong?” Julia asked seriously.

            “My father is in the hospital. He collapsed. They aren’t sure why yet,” he answered quietly. There was very little emotion in his eyes or face.

            He went to his room to change and Julia waited outside the door. Shelly didn’t know what to do with herself, but she really wanted to see his face again.

            He came out of the room and attempted to give Julia a little smile before heading for the door.

            “Wait Hoya don’t you want someone to go with you?”

            His eyes darted to Shelly so quickly that she wasn’t even sure if he actually did look to her.

            “I’ll be fine noona. Thank you,” he said before leaving.

            Shelly felt tension in her shoulders. She didn’t like that he was upset. Julia had a similar tension in her shoulders as she approached her cousin.

            “You guys got home okay last night?” she asked quietly. She wasn’t meeting her eyes. She realized she probably hadn’t apologized to her yet for what she said.

            “Jules I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said you have to believe me. It isn’t your fault you had to leave. It was the worst thing I could have said to you.” She realized she sounded a little hysterical. She had so many emotions fighting inside of her.

            “It’s okay Shelly. Don’t worry about it,” Julia said with a reassuring smile. She still seemed upset, but Shelly couldn’t tell if it was about her or Hoya’s father.

            “Is Hoya going to be alright? He seemed to be handling that really well.” She would expect someone to cry if they heard their father was in the hospital. Although, now that she thought about it, she wouldn’t have. It’s not like she ever saw her father anymore. She didn’t even know where he was living.

              “Hoya doesn’t have a great relationship with his father,” Julia said with just a tinge of bitterness in her voice.

            “He told me a little bit about it…”

            “He did?” Julia said with mild surprise. “He doesn’t usually talk about their relationship.”

            “He just wanted to let me know that he wasn’t a nice man. It was on that day he visited,” she explained.

            Julia looked at her thoughtfully for a moment before she smiled a little to herself.

            “He was warning you… That actually does sound like something he’d do. He’s good at taking care of people,” she said with an adoring smile and far off eyes. “I wish he’d let me take care of him more.”

            Shelly wished now that someone had gone with him. She would have went in a heartbeat, but her presence probably wouldn’t have helped. She had only caused him trouble so far and his mom probably wouldn’t like her.

            “I actually have to go out today to look at wedding cakes with Sunggyu. Want to join?” Julia said faking brightness. Shelly could see she was still worried about Hoya. Normally, Shelly would have loved to go out and about the city, but she wasn’t feeling up to it.

            “I think I’m just going to get some blankets and pillows and hang out in the main room all day if that’s okay.”

            “That actually sounds really fun,” Julia whined. “Now I’m jealous.”

            Actually the idea of hanging out all day in the main room just watching television didn’t sound all that great to Shelly. She liked to have fun when she had a lot on her mind. If it had been only the day before she would have found Dongwoo and had silly mindless fun with him. But going around having a laugh while Hoya was upset just felt wrong. She told herself that she was going to stay in the main room because that’s where the television was, but she knew deep down inside she just wanted to see Hoya when he came home.

            Hoya felt nothing his whole way to the hospital. In the cab he thought about absolutely nothing. He just stared. He wasn’t sure if this was what shock was like, but he hadn’t come out of it yet if so.

            He came back to his senses when he finally made it to the right ward of the hospital. He stood at the door of his father’s hospital room awkwardly. His dad was lying in the bed in some form of unconscious state. His mother sat perched on the chair beside the bed with her hands grasping his. Tears were rolling silently down her cheeks. The only sound was the beeping of the machines.

            Hoya’s brothers sat in two other chairs and stared at their father silently. They weren’t crying, but they looked sad. Hoya wished he had a mirror so he could see if he looked sad too. He had a feeling he didn’t. I should be crying. I’m a terrible person.

            His oldest brother noticed him first and got up to embrace him with his younger brother only a moment behind. Hoya didn’t have the greatest family life, but he loved his brothers and they loved him. He came up to his mother and hugged her from behind for a few minutes.

            “Howon, look at your father,” she cried incredulously like she couldn’t believe this was happening. He kind of couldn’t believe it either.

            “I see him mother. What happened?”

            “The doctors think it's a . They aren’t sure yet when or if he will wake up from this state,” she cried heavily. Now Hoya felt the tears forming in his eyes. He wasn’t sure if they were for his father’s condition though or his mother’s.

            Hoya pulled a seat up next to his mom and sat there with his family for hours. It was late by the time he left the hospital and made his way back home. He felt himself breathing easier as soon as he got to the elevator of their apartment.

            He didn’t want to trouble the other members with his family issues, but he was hoping at least one person was awake so he could see a friendly face before he tried to go to sleep.

            When he entered the apartment he immediately felt hopeful once he saw the blue light of the television in the main room. It was the only light in the darkened apartment at that moment.

            When he came into the main room he stopped in surprise. Lying on a heap of blankets and pillows on the floor was Shelly. It looked like she fell asleep while she was watching the tv. She was still wearing her pajamas from the night before making him think she had stayed there all day.

            His legs moved on their own as he went to her bed of blankets and laid down next to her. He faced her like he did the night before and watched her sleep. She wasn’t having nightmares anymore, but her face was in a permanent little frown as if she fell asleep troubled.

            He wasn’t thinking anymore as he reached out with his fingers and lightly touched the corners of her lips. She didn’t move as he gently pushed her lips a little so they looked less sad. He smiled a little when he succeeded.

            He was smoothing out the furrow between her brows when she woke with a little start. He didn’t want to scare her, but when she saw him she was far from scared. She gave him a smile that was much improved from the artificial one he had created. He wanted to smile back at her, but couldn’t.

            “Are you alright Hoya?” Her voice was thick from sleep.

            “Don’t you want to know if my dad is alright?”

            “I don’t care about him,” she stated bluntly. “I care about you.”

            “I don’t care about him either,” he whispered angrily.

            “That isn’t true.”

            He didn’t like that she was right, but she was. As much as he told himself that he hated his father he still cared about him. All the thoughts he had been blocking for the whole day came crashing down on him. What if he dies? He would die without ever feeling proud of me. He would die without knowing that I was sorry for leaving them. Hoya may not have regretted it, but he was still sorry for leaving. His dad thought he knew best, but Hoya simply knew better. It wasn’t hatred on his dad’s part; it was ignorance that caused him to push Hoya away. Hoya wanted to make him understand why he made the decisions with his life that he did. He wanted his dad to understand that he was happy. He felt fulfilled. There were so many things he needed to say and he may never get the chance now.

            His eyes had been clenched shut painfully while his mind raced and he tried to hold back his tears. His thoughts calmed when he felt Shelly’s hand rest on his cheek. Her hand was warm and comforting. He opened his eyes and saw her concerned ones staring at him.

            She relaxed a little when he calmed down. She quickly removed her hand from his face with a surprised look as if she hadn’t realized she put it there. He felt cold now.

            “Can I ask you to do something for me?” He asked in a hushed voice. He was embarrassed when he heard his voice tremble a little.

            Her eyes were completely understanding. “Anything.”

            “Stay.”

            When she made no signs of moving, he scooted a little forward and rested his head on her shoulder.

            He felt better but dared to move his head a little closer to her chest. It may have seemed to someone else like he was making a move on her, but he just wanted to hear her heartbeat. He thought if he could just hear the calm steady drumming he would be able to soothe his nerves from the last two days.

            But when he found her heartbeat it wasn’t calm. It was beating extremely fast for someone at rest.

            He lifted his head to look in her eyes. They were wide as she stared back at him.

            “Do I scare you? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” he apologized quickly. He suddenly forgot about his own troubles and remembered everything that happened the night before. He wouldn’t have wanted anyone touching him either if he was her.

            He was about to move away from her when she grabbed him.

            “You’re the only person that makes me feel safe,” she revealed to him as tears formed in her beautiful eyes.

            He held her face in his hands as he leaned up to kiss her softly on the forehead. He ignored her shocked eyes that his gesture had evoked before calmly laying his head back on her chest. Her heart was beating even faster now.

            Hoya put a hand to his own heart. He wasn’t surprised to find that their beats nearly matched each other’s.

            Soon both their hearts calmed down. He smiled at how they went in sync with each other. Like they were performing the same dance.

            Sometimes the dance was intense. At times it was a little wild. But it also could be graceful and beautiful.

            All Hoya knew for sure as he drifted off to sleep was that he didn’t want the dance to end.