There were only a couple days left until the wedding and Shelly was feeling lonely. Hoya spent every day at the hospital and came home emotionally drained. He had tried to talk to her about her past at one point, but she couldn’t do it. The conversation they had almost had in Julia’s room a few days before seemed like an okay idea at the time, but now with all the stress Hoya was under he didn’t need her problems. She wanted to reach out to him, but he didn’t seem to want to accept until she talked to him. They were at a stale mate.

            Julia had been running around getting all of the last things she needed to get done prepared. Shelly had offered her help, but Julia gave her a strained smile and said she was fine. She hadn’t spoken more than 10 words to Shelly since the day they went dress shopping.        

            Even Sunggyu was giving her odd looks and seemed like he didn’t know what to say to her. It was weird and made her very uncomfortable. She was going to ask Julia about it, but she came home from her errands looking wiped every night before crawling into Sunggyu’s bed. So Shelly just ignored it all like she did most things.

            Being confined in the tiny apartment was becoming suffocating though. She looked longingly at the outside world from the window. She wanted to feel the wind on her face, but Julia didn’t want her leaving the apartment building without a cell phone. Maybe this place has a nice roof.

            Hoya was sick of everything. He was sick of going to the hospital every day to see his possibly dying father who didn’t care about him anyway. He was sick of watching his mother cry as if the best man in the world lay on the bed in front of her. He was sick of Shelly not wanting to talk to him. That bothered him most of all. He was sick of her supportive smiles. Sick of her beautiful hair and captivating green eyes. Sick of being scared to tell her how he felt. Sick of not even understanding how he felt. You don’t want a relationship Hoya. All you’ve ever wanted was what you have right now and this life isn’t one that you keep without hard work. He was still fighting. Fighting himself. Fighting his father. Fighting Shelly.

            He didn’t go to the hospital that day. It was the same thing every day. His mother barely noticed him and his brothers seemed to care about their father’s condition in a way that made him feel guilty. There was more desperation in their eyes. More love. That was their family in that room, but Hoya had a better family here. It was sad to think that of your blood family, but it was true.

            These were the people that truly supported him. In their eyes he could do no wrong.

            Hoya was sitting on his bed just staring blankly at his wall when Dongwoo came back in the room.

            “Hoya you wouldn’t believe what Sungyeol and Woohyun are planning to do at the wedding,” he started excitedly. “They want to do another competition to get the most girls. They are creating this point system where they get 1 point for a dance with a girl, 2 points for a phone number, and 3 if they can get a kiss out of them. I think there were other things too, but I can’t remember. They want us to play too but you are not listening to a single word I’m saying right now, are you Hoya?”

            When Dongwoo fell silent and just stared at Hoya he snapped out of his reverie.

            “What? Sorry Dongwoo what did you say?”

            “What’s up with you lately Hoya? Are you alright?” Dongwoo said as he plopped heavily down at the foot of the bed.

            “You know what’s up. My dad is in the hospital. He could die,” Hoya said heatedly.

            “I think there is more to it than that.”

            “What do you know?” Hoya didn’t mean to sound so angry with him. Dongwoo was trying to be nice and helpful and supportive. Everyone was so supportive and Dongwoo was one of his best friends.

            “I know that you like Shelly,” Dongwoo said bluntly.

            Hoya’s eyes widened and he just shook his head as if to deny it.

            “You’ve been acting different since the moment she stepped into this apartment. You were watching her every move.”

            “That’s just because I was suspicious of her,” Hoya explained.

            “I could see your face. It wasn’t all suspicion. You smiled without realizing it almost every time she did.”

            Had he? He certainly didn’t notice, but Dongwoo didn’t lie to people. Certainly not about things that mattered.

            “Why don’t you just go to her and stop wallowing. It isn’t like you,” Dongwoo said with a sad shake of the head.

            “What do you mean isn’t like me? I’ve never dated a girl before. You know that.”

            “Why would it be any different than everything else you do? If you decide you want something you go for it and you give it your all. You always have. That’s why I’ve always looked up to you. Even though you’re my dongsaeng. You make us all better at what we do because of your determination. If you want her then go get her.”

            Hoya was suddenly blinking back tears. He knew Dongwoo well; probably better than anybody, but he’d never heard him talk like this. He felt sudden shame for ever being suspicious of Dongwoo’s behavior around Shelly. He knew all along that I liked her. He knew before I did.

            “But she doesn’t live in this country,” Hoya made a last attempt to argue; not that Dongwoo was going to accept it.

            “You know what? You’re right. Never mind. Just forget about her then.” He deadpanned as he sat back on the bed nonchalantly.

            “Wh-what?”

            “That sounded stupid right?” Dongwoo looked at him seriously. “Because you’re being stupid. Who cares where she lives. Do you like her or not?”

            “I like her,” he finally admitted.

            “Well go talk to her and sort out your crap,” Dongwoo demanded as he pointed to the door.

            Hoya got up but stopped by the bed and gave Dongwoo a quick hug.

            “Thanks hyung,” Hoya said as he opened the door.

            “She’s on the roof,” Dongwoo told him. “She said she wanted some air.”

            “She’s on the roof,” Hoya said trying not to sound too alarmed.

            Dongwoo just nodded before Hoya ran off to the elevator.

            It was a plain roof. She had been expecting with fancy idols living here that there would be a garden or a terrace. Maybe at least a sitting area, but it seemed like one of those roofs that you don’t really hang out on. Shelly kind of liked that better though because it felt more private. No one would disturb her.

            She stood at the corner that faced the setting sun and tried to peek over the high ledge. She had to bend over it at the waist just to be able to sneak the top part of her head over. She looked down at the busy city below and smiled to herself. She liked this city and its people. It felt nice to be out in the sun with them. She was still leaning on the edge and staring at the sun when she heard someone yell behind her.

            She turned quickly and saw a figure approaching, but the sun spots in her eyes blinded her. When the person got closer she was able to tell who it was.

            “Get away from there, please,” he pleaded with deep anxiousness.

            “Hoya if you think I’m up here to kill myself or something we have bigger issues than I thought,” she laughed.

            “I just don’t like to see people I care about standing close to ledges. It’d be so easy for you to fall,” he insisted with a strained voice as he grabbed Shelly’s arm and pulled her back towards the roof’s center.

            “What are you doing up here anyway, Hoya? I thought you were avoiding me or something,” she said dryly.

            “I’m not letting you hide from me anymore. You are going to tell me everything about yourself,” he said seriously.

            “Why am I going to do that?”

            “Because I like you,” he said sternly. His confession wasn’t soft and gentle. He said it like it was an obvious fact that he needed to hammer into her head.

            Her heart fluttered as if he just made the most romantic gesture in the world.

            “I like you, too,” she said in a stunned voice.

            “What are you hiding from?” His voice demanded an answer. He meant it when he said he wasn’t letting her hide anymore.

            “I ran away from home.”

            “Why?” It took a lot for her to say just that, but he didn’t seem all that surprised. He knew she was messed up.

            “After Julia’s parents died my mom became an alcoholic. I thought it was just because she had lost her brother and couldn’t handle that,” Shelly said quietly. She had never spoken about this with anyone. For some reason being out in the open made her feel like everyone would know. “I found out later that Julia’s father had been giving us money to help pay the bills in secret. At least it was secret from me and Julia. When he died my mom no longer had that source of income. My parents began arguing more and fighting. That’s when the drinking started and she eventually lost her job.”

            “Did they hit you?” His voice was strained and she saw hurt flash through his own eyes. She wouldn’t be surprised if his father had hit him before. She suddenly wanted to touch him, but held back.

            “No they didn’t. They just ignored me. I was still a child at the time so I was part of the cause for their financial issues. I wasn’t their daughter anymore, I was just a problem. When I was 18 my dad left us. I don’t know where he is. I don’t think I care either,” she said bitterly.

            “Yes you do,” he said with a hint of a smile. She had called him out on his lies about his father too.

            “When I got Julia’s invitation in the mail and the letter about visiting I couldn’t wait to go. At first I was relieved, but the problems still there. I’ve just been ignoring it.”

            “You aren’t a child you can do whatever you want. You don’t have to go back there,” he said angrily. A fire burned in his eyes that made her smile. Her smile vanished when he proceeded with his questions.

            “What else happened?” His voice became a little bit more timid when he continued. “That night at the club… Something like that happened to you before, didn’t it?”

            She just stuttered for a second as if clueless, but she knew what he was referring to. That night at the masquerade she had reacted to that guy touching her in an extreme way. Extreme for her at least. He knew there was something very wrong there. But it was the one thing she really never wanted to tell anyone ever again.  

            “I won’t force you to tell me, Shelly. If you aren’t comfortable…” His voice wasn’t stern anymore. It was soft and comforting as he approached her.

            His hands came up to her face and he brushed tears off her cheeks with his thumbs. She hadn’t realized she was crying.

            “I don’t remember it,” she cried softly. Her voice came out in barely a whisper. “I don’t remember anything, but I know what happened to me. I woke up with marks on my body and I was in pain so I saw a doctor. He told me what happened with certainty, but I already knew.”

            She was crying steadily now even as she tried to be strong. She didn’t want to scare him. He was the last person she wanted to scare.

            His face took on a pained expression, but he didn’t look away from her. Not like the others had when she told them. Even the doctor had looked away after telling her.

            “Did you tell anyone?” He struggled to keep his voice steady. She was relieved that his hands hadn’t left her face. He wasn’t disgusted with her or ashamed like she feared.

            “I went to the police,” she said a little calmer now as she stared into his caring eyes. “They said they would try to help me, but I didn’t have any information for them. I didn’t remember it. It was at a party and everyone was wearing costumes and I didn’t know anyone there. I didn’t even remember where the house was.”

            She had blamed herself every day since for stupidly going to that party alone. It had been on Julia’s birthday and she couldn’t stop thinking about how much she missed her. Her parents were in a particularly bad mood that night. Her mother was drunker than usual. Shelly had just wanted to escape. She was just walking on streets alone when she found the party. She didn’t know the house or the people. She just saw a bunch of costumes and heard laughs and cheers. She went in even though she wasn’t wearing a costume herself. She went in and drank. She drank as well as her mother did that night. It was the biggest regret of her life when she woke up the next morning. She wasn’t even at the house anymore. She was outside in the middle of nowhere, completely alone and her body hurt all over.

            “The police told me I should tell my parents. I was 18 so it was my choice because I was technically an adult, but I took their advice and I told my dad. He didn’t even let me finish. He looked away from me and said that whatever happened it was probably my fault and that he didn’t want to hear it. He said I was just like my mom; blaming her issues on alcohol. He didn’t want to hear it. And then he just left and I haven’t seen him since,” she ended quietly.

            She realized she had been staring blankly at Hoya the whole time and she tried to clear her eyes and focus. His expression was gut-wrenching. He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. She knew what he was going to say. It wasn’t your fault.

            “I never told anyone after that. It didn’t help.”

            She couldn’t take his expression anymore. She wanted to know what he was thinking, but that was the scariest part of the whole thing. What on earth does he think of me now?

            “It was a long time ago and I don’t even remember it so please don’t treat me like some victim. I don’t want to be a victim.”

            “I won’t, but I am sorry that happened to you. I wish I’d been there,” he said angrily and she couldn’t help but chuckle at him.

            “Weren’t you like 17?”

            “I knew Taekwondo,” he said seriously. She laughed at him again. “Don’t laugh. I still do. I’m very intimidating.”

            She snorted and his eyes widened incredulously, but now that she was smiling again he seemed a little less upset.

            “Can I ask you a question? I don’t want you to think that I’m judging you,” he said as he finally let go of her face. Her cheeks felt cold in the breeze now. The sun had almost finished setting as they spoke.

            If he says he doesn’t want me to think he is judging me that probably means he is about to judge me. She had gone this far, though. She wasn’t going to stop now.

            “Ask whatever you want.”

            “Why do you act and dress the way you do? The flirtiness and the appeal? I don’t want to pretend to know what it must be like, but I would imagine you wouldn’t want to have people look at you in that way.”

            There was no hint of judgment in his expression. He seemed genuinely curious.

            “I didn’t act this way at first. At first I curled up in a ball and cried. I thought why me? And just pitied myself. And then I realized how weak I was. No wonder someone took advantage of me. If you give someone the opportunity they will. So I got off my and started taking self defense classes. I tried to find confidence. I didn’t want people to know so I showed them the bravest face I could.”

            “So you sort of toy around with guys?”

            “Better than them toying with me,” she said a little hotly.

            “I told you I’m not judging you. I just want to know everything.”

            She looked in his eyes again and saw he was still being sincere. She was still on guard for some reason, but he hadn’t judged her once. His eyes were kind and affectionate. He really likes me this much that he would accept all of this?

            “You are taking this all really well Hoya… you could tell from the start that I was hiding things from you guys. Couldn’t you?”

            “I didn’t know what you were hiding, but I knew you were. I used to hide too.”

            “From your parents?”

            “Mainly my dad. I was afraid of what he would think of my wanting to be a dancer so I did it in secret for awhile. But I stopped hiding from them and told them what I wanted. I realized that I hadn’t done anything wrong that I should hide from.”

            “You haven’t done anything wrong either Shelly. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hiding won’t save those around you. You will only hurt yourself in the end. You should tell your mother and Julia. Especially Julia. I learned a long time ago that hiding things from her just doesn’t work out in the end.”

            “She’ll pity me,” Shelly mumbled.

            “You told me. Does it look like I pity you?”

            She looked in his eyes and tried to decide what she saw there. Not once during the whole telling of her story had she noticed pity in his eyes.

            “You don’t pity me?” She asked skeptically.

            “Pity is for the weak. I don’t think you’re weak at all.”

            “Bull,” she laughed.

            “I’m serious. Can’t you tell? Look at my serious eyebrows,” he deadpanned.

            She threw her head back laughing. When she looked back at him he was watching her with a smile. His smile faltered a little when he brought his mind back to the subject.

            “I just have one more question,” he said trying not to sound too serious after the brevity they just experienced.

            “Ask it.”

            “Does the confident y act work? Was the other night the first time something like that ever happened to you again?” His voice was anxious.

            “Until that night no one had done anything to me that I didn’t want them to,” she answered simply. Ugh that came out wrong. It made it sound like she was going around sleeping with people by choice. She didn’t do that at all. It was quite the opposite.

            “Not that I…” she started sheepishly.

            “It’s okay,” Hoya laughed.

            “No I don’t want you to think… that I’m like that. I haven’t…”

            Oh god I sound like Julia now. How come all of a sudden I can’t say the word ?

            “I never did it again…. By choice or otherwise,” she finished weakly.

            He seemed to want to ask another question, but just fumbled for words. It was probably surprising to him that she wasn’t ually active.

            “I can see why that would be surprising I certainly act in a contradictory matter. I just… I was…”

            “Afraid?” He finished for her seeming to understand her so easily.

            “I was always fearful that if I did it again it might make me remember… the first time,” she mumbled looking down at the ground.  

            And there it was. Hoya knew the sad truth. He knew everything there was to know about her. She almost felt like she wanted to throw up from all the emotions that were going through her. She had heard people use the expression ‘like a weight lifted off their shoulders’ but she had always thought it was silly. But she really did feel a little lighter. She could breathe a little easier, but she still was anxious about what he was thinking.

            Hoya held his arms out to Shelly and waited to see if she would accept his invitation for a warm embrace. She thought about waking up in his arms days before. She thought about the morning she woke up with him in her arms. She had felt so safe both times.

            “I don’t need a hug. I told you I’m fine,” she mumbled; suddenly embarrassed. For some reason Shelly was having a hard time meeting his understanding eyes.

            “Maybe I need a hug,” he said with just a hint of a whine to his voice. “Not everything is about poor Shelly.”

            She looked to his eyes now and saw that he wore a little smirk. She couldn’t help but smile in response.

            “Are you making fun of me sir,” she asked as she stood closer to him. His arms were still out as he patiently waited.

            “Please,” he whispered to her seriously. She looked into his pleading eyes and melted. He was joking around, but he was hurting too. She wasn’t sure why he seemed in pain, if it was about his father or if it was about her. But she couldn’t deny him any longer.

            She nodded her head and before she could move forward into his arms he had grabbed her. She found herself nestled between his firm chest and his muscled arms. He held her against him with one hand on the back of her head.

            She wasn’t used to being held like this. She had woken up in his arms, but he had been asleep at the time. This feeling was foreign. He hugged her like he meant it. Like he didn’t want to let go. She felt warmth all around her. She felt his support and his affection.

            His chin rested on her shoulder and he let out a heavy breath before he started to her hair absentmindedly.

            He knows everything now. He knows what happened to me and he doesn’t care. He isn’t afraid to touch me. Maybe I’m not just damaged goods that no one will ever love. Do I feel love in this hug? Or does he just want to be my friend. I’m not sure.

            She pulled back a little to look in his eyes, but kept looking at his lips instead. Her own lips trembled as she got closer to his face. He had gone still. She came within an inch of his lips.

            They were about to touch when he moved his head back a little.

            “Wait Shelly,” Hoya said quietly as he stared down at her lips with a troubled expression on his face.  

            She snapped out of her trance as if he had just hit her. His eyes were suddenly confused as he took in her expression.

            I have misread the whole situation. He doesn’t want me. Not like that. What was I thinking? Of course he doesn’t. I’ve been had.

            “You don’t...” she trailed off. “I’m sorry.”

            She went to back away, but he tried to hold her. She struggled out of his arms urgently. His eyes were wide and scared when he let her go. He is afraid of me. He should be afraid. I’m a mess. I shouldn’t be allowed around others. I just hurt everyone and do everything wrong.

            Shelly couldn’t look at him anymore. She didn’t want to look at any of them. She ran back in the building and straight to the elevator; ignoring his shouts for her to stop.