Why do I feel under his gaze? He can see right through me. I can’t be flirty and forgetful with Hoya; he’s too serious. He knows it’s fake. He knows I’m fake.

             I wish I wasn’t, she thought morosely as she wiped the kitchen counter down for the eighth time. But hiding herself away was the only option in Shelly’s mind. There were things that she didn’t want them to know. The last thing she wanted to do was to scare them off with her problems.

            She didn’t mean to hide in fear, but she didn’t know these people; not really.

            Sure she sort of knew them. She had seen every Infinite video that existed; every interview, music video, tv show appearance, and performance. How could she not? She got to see Julia. She told Julia she had only seen a few things, but that was a lie. She had seen it all and multiple times. Hoya was right to suspect she was a liar. But she was telling the truth when she said she only lied when she felt threatened. The problem was, for some reason, she felt threatened all the time these days.

            In those times when she needed comfort, watching any of the Infinite videos had been a blessing. Shelly felt like a piece of her had been missing the last six years without Julia, but she felt so much closer to her when she watched those videos. Julia must have missed Shelly just as much; at least she hoped so. Shelly had felt bad at first that she got to watch videos of Julia but she couldn’t give Julia anything in return except for letters and pictures. Shelly felt like she was winning because she still got to see Julia laugh and smile, but then she realized how much their lives truly differed. Julia was the one that was happy.

            She had watched Julia from the moment she saw her at the airport with an odd enthrallment. She was barely recognizable. Sure she still looked like Julia, but her whole energy had changed. Shelly felt like the sun was hiding in her cousin and was threatening to explode from her tiny body at any moment.

            At the airport Julia had attacked Shelly with the biggest hug she had ever received. There wasn’t a bit of sadness, loss, or anxiety in her smiling eyes. It was nothing like before she left for Korea. Shelly was pleased by this of course. She was haunted by the memory of the day she watched her recently orphaned best friend get on a plane and leave for the complete unknown. Seeing her now as a completely joyous person was a relief, but it also just hammered the nail of doubt further into Shelly’s heart. She has moved on. She doesn’t need me anymore.

             I’m completely alone.

            She should’ve known when Julia’s letters became less frequent that she had moved on with her life. But Shelly just figured she was busy. Being an idol was hard work. It made sense she wouldn’t have time to write her silly letters anymore. But the less contact she had with Julia the further Shelly had spiraled downward.

            When they were kids they spent nearly every moment together. They were close enough in age to go to the same school and be in the same grade. After school Shelly always went to Julia’s house and they would take Korean lessons from Julia’s mom. They had been more than cousins; they were best friends. Even more so Julia had always been a role model for Shelly. She was the person who cared about her the most. She was the person Shelly went to with any of her troubles, but then Julia’s parents died. Shelly lost a loving aunt and uncle that day, but when Julia had to move she also lost a cousin and her best friend.

            At first Shelly’s family had wanted to take her in so that she didn’t have to leave the country, but they had to go through the court system and Shelly’s parents were deemed unfit. They didn’t have enough money to support another child. They didn’t have enough money to support the child they had. So Julia had to leave. Shelly had been devastated, but looking at Julia now she knew it was the right decision. Her parents were unfit. If she had stayed she’d be just like me now. The thought gave her an uncomfortable shiver.

            Shelly had told Julia that she was okay after she moved. Julia was the one who had lost her parents and was forced to move to a foreign country with grandparents she barely knew. But still Julia would ask how Shelly was. If Shelly was doing okay. It almost made her sick to her stomach. She couldn’t tell Julia that she wasn’t okay. And she never had. She had lived for six years becoming just further and further from okay.

            A dark cloud was forming over Shelly again as she stood in the kitchen thinking of her own miserable life. As usual she quickly stopped thinking about herself.  

            Seeing Julia in person was different from the interviews. In the interviews Julia still had those nerves she had all her life. She was still frazzled and sometimes said the wrong thing, but she was different at their apartment. She was so comfortable and completely at ease living with seven men.

            Shelly shouldn’t have been surprised by the role she played in the group. It was obvious immediately. She was like their mom. Or at least their older sister which they had all called her in interviews. But they respected her like they would a mother and loved and treated her like they would their older sister. It was exactly how Shelly had always seen Julia.

            Julia looked after her band mates as if they were her children, but Julia needed someone to look out for her too.

            That’s why Shelly liked Hoya.

            She had seen the footage of their disaster of a concert. Julia had looked so frail and hollow. It had scared Shelly more than anything. When a can from the audience had whizzed past Julia’s head, Shelly had wanted nothing more than to jump on a plane and find the thrower so she could personally kick their . That’s when she saw the one named Hoya step towards the crowd as if to attack every person over there. Julia had stopped him, but the camera had caught Hoya’s expression in that moment. He was pissed. His eyes that were gentle and kind in the interviews she had seen were ablaze with anger and the need to protect Julia.

            Shelly had felt her heart beat faster when she saw his expression. Since then she had always watched Hoya closely.

            When she met them on the first day she wanted to seem carefree and like a good time. The last thing she wanted was to be rejected by them. She was tired of rejection. So she tried to be fun and ridiculous. She acted the way she thought they would like. Guys in America certainly seemed to like the way she acted. Although it gave the wrong impression at times. But it was better than revealing her true self. That would be worse. She wasn’t ready to share. Not even with Julia.

            For some reason she had faltered in her act when she got to Hoya. She looked in his guarded eyes and just saw bits of herself. He was suspicious of her. Well she was suspicious of them too. She knew that Julia was happy, but she still worried. She couldn’t help but worry. Hoya had to know that Shelly meant them no harm. Julia was her cousin and her best friend but still he worried; just as she did.

            Her own suspicions were quickly eased though. The people living in this apartment were all perfectly polite, kind, gentle and loving. The only problem in this home was Shelly. She was there for only a few days and she could read them all. They wore their hearts on their sleeves. Except maybe for Hoya. She got the feeling he was hiding a little too. From what she wasn’t sure.

            Other than Hoya everyone else made sense to her. The maknaes were like adorable love sick puppies. Sungyeol was a silly jokster. Woohyun was a sweet guy in need of some love. She felt for him, but he wasn’t going to get it from her. He wasn’t her type at all.

            Sunggyu had been the one she was most suspicious of at first. The relationship between him and Julia was highly publicized and Shelly couldn’t help but wonder if he maybe just enjoyed the good press. But the moment Shelly saw the two of them together she knew she was wrong to doubt him. Not only did she quickly come to trust him, but she also respected him.

            Nothing shocked her more than when he had addressed her the same way that he would one of his dongsaengs. She had felt an odd sort of comfort from his stern parenting style. She felt like one of them. In that moment she felt like she wasn’t some visitor, but instead like she belonged. He took her seriously and did not treat her like some foolish child. He was smart, mature, but also fun. She had wanted his approval immediately. Almost more than she wanted her own father’s approval. She shook the thought of her parents quickly as she felt her stomach tighten with nerves.

            Her sudden apprehension dissipated when she thought of Dongwoo. He was a good time. She felt most comfortable around him of all the members; including Julia. Dongwoo helped her to forget all of her own issues. Julia unfortunately tended to remind Shelly of her issues. But Dongwoo was boisterous and didn’t seem to have a single worry in his heart. She was able to empty her head of all of her plaguing thoughts when she was around him.

            She was becoming so comfortable with them all and they seemed oddly comfortable with her. Hoya still gave her looks. He knew she was still hiding things from them, but she tried to ignore him. He had been watching her while she did dishes that morning in the kitchen and she felt uncomfortable. It had started all of her thoughts. She didn’t like them. She just wanted to forget about all that she was hiding from Julia.

            So she sought out Dongwoo.

            I’m such a stalker. What am I even doing? Hoya had been watching her in the kitchen again. She had tried to ignore him and wrapped herself up in her own thoughts.  He should have left the room, but he had attempted to look casual and stay near her. He watched her bustle around the kitchen; brow furrowed as she thought. For some reason there was nothing he wanted more than to know what she was thinking.  

            Her expression was morphed into one of determination when she finally turned to leave the kitchen. She didn’t seem surprised that he was standing there. She simply avoided his eyes as she squeezed past him in the doorway and sauntered off towards the room he shared with Dongwoo.

            Hoya stayed at the kitchen doorway and watched as she knocked and waited. As soon as the door opened she broke out in a silly grin. Even from the side he could see the way her whole face lit up.

            “Tag,” she yelled as she leaned into the room to push Dongwoo backwards with force. She ran past Hoya and towards Julia’s room.

            She had disappeared inside before Dongwoo emerged from their shared bedroom. He was putting a shirt on. Was he shirtless when she pushed him? He pictured her hands on Dongwoo’s bare abs and became irrationally irritated.

            “Where is she?” Dongwoo asked Hoya with a big stupid grin. At least now he was clothed.

            Hoya didn’t want to tell him. But he didn’t have to. Myungsoo came out of Julia’s room then with an annoyed expression on his handsome face.

            “Sungjong come on,” he said with a sigh. Hoya and Dongwoo watched them from down the hall.

            “We could play too,” Sungjong grumbled as he came out of the room.

            Myungsoo put his hand gently on the back of Sungjong’s neck before saying huskily in his ear, "I don't want to share. I just want to play with you."

            Sungjong's cheeks were flushed as he moved towards Myungsoo’s room with more pep in his step. A second after they disappeared inside Sungyeol was pushed out of the room. The sounds of Sungjong's giggles emanated from the room before the door was closed in Sungyeol's surprised face. He looked to the rappers at the end of the hall and gave them an exasperated expression.

            “These maknaes have no respect for their elders,” he whined as he made his way to the main room.

            Dongwoo watched it all with a grin before tiptoeing towards Julia’s room. Hoya was about to just go into his bedroom and try to forget about Shelly. He stopped when he heard her start to scream laughing. Something about the sound was soothing to his nerves. Dongwoo’s own laughs were just as loud, but they were both silenced when there was the sudden sound of glass breaking.

            Hoya was in the room before he even realized he was moving. Dongwoo was standing between Sungjong and Julia’s beds with a perfect shocked expression on his face. Shelly was on the ground in front of him with her elbow in Julia’s flowerbox. She was still smiling good naturedly, but when she saw Hoya and Dongwoo’s expressions she stopped.

            “These floors are so slippery! Did I break a glass?” She asked as she stood and turned to look. “What is it?” she asked quietly. She stared down at the flowerbox and slowly seemed to remember what used to be in it. Whether she knew the meaning the glass sunflower held for Julia, Hoya wasn’t sure. Her eyes widened a little as she looked at the shattered flower. It was nearly unrecognizable. The stem was broken in half and a good portion of the Sunflowers petals were broken off and mixed in with the glass beads that filled the box.

            They were all staring speechless when Julia came in the room. She had just come out of the shower. Her long brown hair was hanging wet over her shoulders and soaked slightly through her pink cotton pajamas. Her eyes were large and confused when she saw the three of them standing in stunned silence.

            “Did someone die?” She chuckled nervously.

            “I’m so sorry noona,” Dongwoo said quietly. She followed his view and finally noticed the destroyed flower. The flower that Sunggyu had bought for her before they were even together. Hoya had asked her about it the first time he saw it outside her window. She had told him that ‘Sunggyu had brought her the sun’. Since that day she had stared dreamily at the flower. She often reached out to run her fingers over the smooth petals.

            When her eyes took in the flower’s state she in air noisily and held it. Hoya watched her with a pained expression on his face. She walked up to it slowly and sat heavily on the ground in front of the flowerbox. She held the broken pieces of her flower in her small fingers and tried not to cry.

            “Wh-what happened?” She said as she tried to restrain a sniffle.

            Shelly’s eyes had widened with pure fear the moment she saw Julia’s face. If she didn’t know what the flower meant to her before, she had an idea of it now. Shelly was about to speak up when Hoya found himself talking.

            “I’m sorry noona. This is my fault.”

            Shelly and Dongwoo both looked at him in surprise. Julia was staring at the shards of petal in her fingers and didn’t see their reactions. Dongwoo was shaking his head no and he was about to speak up himself, but Hoya gave him a deadly look.

            “I’m truly sorry. I was being foolish,” Hoya whispered. For some reason Hoya couldn’t flat out lie to noona. So he skirted the truth. In some ways he did feel that this was his fault. He was making Shelly uncomfortable and then this is what happened.

            Shelly was crying now as she stared at him incredulously. She looked like she wanted to speak, but couldn’t.

            “You didn’t hurt yourself did you Hoya?” Julia asked a little louder. She still didn’t look away from the flower, but he could hear the concern in her tone.

            “No noona. I’m fine,” he answered with his head down. He was having a hard time watching her mourn over her flower.

            “That’s what’s important,” she said seriously.

            Sunggyu came up to the door then and was surprised to see so many people in the room. He seemed to understand the situation immediately as his narrow eyes scrutinized the whole scene. His shoulders were tense as he approached Julia and bent down beside her. He lifted her chin and forced her to look in his eyes. She looked a little dazed at first.

            “Hello love,” he whispered into her face with a little smile.

            She managed to give him a little smile back, but it was a sad one.

            “Sunggyu… our sunflower…” she whimpered softly as if she didn’t want the others to hear her like this.

            “You don’t need it anymore,” he cooed as he ran his fingers through her hair.

            “But it reminds me of you. When I’m not with you,” she whined. She was already notably less upset with Sunggyu there. She had gone from depressed to complaining in a flash. These two loved to whine at each other.

            “I’ll buy you a new one then.”

            “There isn’t another one,” she said simply. Hoya didn’t know how Sunggyu had procured the item, but it had always had a rare feeling to it. As if it was made just for Julia. He knew though that Julia wouldn’t want another one even if it was easy to replace. She was sentimental.

            “Then I’ll fix it,” he said with his naturally pouty lips right near her face.

            “You can’t fix it,” she mumbled with a disgruntled expression.

            “Then I’ll take glass blowing classes and make you a new one.”

            She chuckled to herself lightly as she stared off picturing that. Her eyes were bright while she daydreamed. Sunggyu always knew exactly what to say to take her out of the darkness.

            “You don’t believe me do you? That’s it. I’m signing up for a class right now.” He stood suddenly and moved away. She laughed loudly at his back like he just told the funniest joke. He stopped in the doorway and turned to her. “And drop that glass now,” he yelled. She dropped the glass petal with a little start; still smiling. He grinned at her and his eyes disappeared.

            She stood up to follow him once he vanished down the hallway.

            The whole time it was like the other three hadn’t existed. They had just watched silently. Julia was about to leave to follow her hamster fiance when she snapped back to reality. She was about to pass by Hoya when she shocked him with a giant hug.

            Her face was on the side of his when she whispered into his ear, “Don’t blame yourself Hoya. I know you didn’t mean to break it. I could never be mad at you.” She looked back into his astonished face with a cute smile before running out of the room.

            “Sunggyu sign me up for classes too,” she shouted; her voice rebounding off the hallway walls.

            When she was out of earshot. Shelly wiped her silent tears before she looked at Hoya.

            “Why’d you do that?” she asked him seriously. Her voice was quiet, but it had a dark edge to it.

            Hoya shrugged his shoulders. “It’s not a big deal.”

            Dongwoo started sneaking towards the door to escape the awkward conversation. Hoya wanted to escape too.

            “Tell me why,” she insisted as she stepped closer to him. Dongwoo was gone by the time he answered.

            “I don’t know,” he answered honestly.

            He really wasn’t sure why he did it. Except that she had looked so scared. He wasn’t sure what she was so afraid of. Of course no one wants to be to blame for ruining an item that someone holds precious. But Julia wouldn’t be mad at her. Hoya knew that Julia couldn’t be mad at her cousin, but maybe Shelly didn’t know that. She was fearful and Hoya had gone into his protective mode without even realizing it.

            Her green eyes searched his dark ones for a moment. One minute he was staring into her eyes and the next his face was in her auburn hair. She hugged him lightly as if still afraid. He wasn’t sure if she was afraid of his reaction to the sudden embrace, but he oddly didn’t have one. He stood still and felt himself become light headed as he breathed in the scent of her hair. Her hair on his face was silkier than he was expecting. His hand reached up to touch it, but he brought it back down when she started to speak.

            “Thank you, Hoya,” she whispered. She sounded like she was crying. “But please don’t do something like that again. Not for me.”

            She let go of him and rushed out of the room before he could say anything. He let out a restrained breath and saw something gleam in the corner of his eye. He looked down at his shirt to see a single strand of her fiery hair on his black t shirt. Hoya lifted the hair delicately and ran his fingers over it absent mindedly.

            He stood there for a moment remembering her scent and wanting it back.