A/N: Sooo this isn't Donghae in the pic, but lets just pretend kaaay?

I tossed and turned all night, trying to guess where that damn hickey on Donghae’s neck came from, and trying to remember what the hell happened that night at the noraebang. My heart rate sped along, refusing to slow and I lay in the dark, wide awake. I couldn’t think of anything else, and I decided I needed to interrogate him about it. There was a look in his eyes that morning that made me think he was holding back something, that he remembered more than he was letting on. It wasn’t like Donghae to black out when drinking.

I woke and dressed quickly, intent on confronting the other boy. Just as I reached the room he shared with Sungmin, Sungmin walked out.

“Ah, Hyukjae, what’s up? Were you looking for Donghae?” He asked seeing stop short.

“Yeah, I wanted to talk to him about something,” I mumbled, “Is he in there?”

Sungmin glanced back to the room, “He actually got up early this morning, said he was going to run an errand, but he should be back soon. You can wait in here if you want, I’m leaving now though.”

I hesitated for a moment, but then an idea struck me and I nodded, slipping past my hyung into the room. When I was sure Sungmin had left I walked cautiously towards the desk which held Donghae’s computer. Maybe he had a picture of the girl hidden in a drawer, or a love note, or phone number...

“Dude… what are you doing? You realize this is a total invasion of privacy right?”

Damn it, even the evil voice in my head thinks I’m a creepy stalker.

“You are.”

Shut up!I told it.

I slowly opened the top drawer, nothing interesting, a few letters from fans, some pens and pencils, and other useless junk.

The next drawer was more of the same, I paused to look through a bunch of photos he had held together with a rubber band. They were mostly candid shots of the members, that ranged from our trainee days to pretty recent. I laughed at the way our styles changed throughout the years. I found one where Donghae still had his blonde hair and broke out into giggles. As I flipped through them I suddenly realized that there was a disproportionate number of the photos with myself in them. Even if I wasn’t the main focus, I was in almost every single picture. I hadn’t noticed how much we were a part of each other’s lives, but when I thought about it, all my best memories included my fishy friend.

I was about to close the drawer and give up, realizing how creepy I was being, when something caught my eye hidden in the back of the drawer. A small notebook I’d seen Hae with on several occasions, though he would always shove it aside when anyone came near. It peaked my interest. I carefully pulled it out.

With trembling hands I flipped it open to the first page.

Dear Diary…

I quickly closed it, heart pounding. I can’t read it! He would kill me! What if he’s written dirty fantasies in it, or worse, what if he’s written bad things about me? What if he secretly hates me and its all here, and if I find out I’ll never be able to feel comfortable around him again. What if it ruins our friendship! I can’t look! I absolutely… can’t… look..

“Cut the crap Lee Hyukjae, you’re totally going to look, and totally going to regret it. But you want to know about the hickey too much,”the Kyu voice snorted disapprovingly, “NOT because you’re jealous of course, you just don’t want some breaking you’re Donghae’s heart.”

Exactly. I told it, choosing to ignore its sarcastic tone.

I flipped it open after locking the door soundly, and found the beginning of the most recent entry.

Dear Diary,

How do I even begin to talk about the last couple days? My heart feels like it’s about to explode in a million little pieces every time I look at him, but I have to try and act normal. It’s driving me crazy. He doesn’t remember anything, and I’m going to try and keep it that way, if he knew what happened at the noraebang he’d never speak to me again. I still don’t know why he did it. Sorry, let me explain.

So we were at practice and I noticed Hyukkie acting weird; he kept forgetting his moves, which he never does, and it worried me. He said he wanted ice cream, which I wasn’t really buying, but I thought it’d be a perfect chance to get him alone and find out if he was okay. You know how much I hate seeing Hyuk upset. So we get this giant ice cream, and I wasn’t really thinking straight because of my sugar high, but I was suddenly consumed with the urge to do something spontaneous. I wanted to make Hyukkie feel better because he still looked off, and I finally had him alone with me. So I get him to go to a noraebang, and I stupidly make him drink with me. I thought it would be easier to get him to talk if he was drunk, right?

He was so cute when he sang U and messed up the lyrics keke! And we were having so much fun just the two of us. I miss us hanging out like that. But then things got…weird. We sang this duet, and all the sudden we were inches apart and I totally lost my head. He was so perfect looking, just staring up at me with his big brown eyes. I told him he was BEAUTIFUL, and probably started to say all sort of other embarrassing things… Arrgh! I tried to put some distance between us to clear my head before I did something really stupid, but he followed me to the couch. It was only then that I realized how drunk he really was.

He fell into my lap and I thought I was going to have a heart attack right there. I tried to get him to move, but he just stared up at me with this lustful look in his eyes. And then… oh god… it was the most amazing, but the most heart breaking sensation, because I know it didn’t mean anything to him, but he…he KISSED me.

I tried to stay still at first, in case he somehow realized what he was doing, but he didn’t stop. And it wasn’t like I was sober enough to have self-control with the love of my life throwing himself at me. I knew it was a mistake, but I gave in, kissing him back. Hell, it’s probably the only time I’m going to get the chance to kiss him, so might as well go all out right?

I looked up from my reading mortified. I did WHAT?? And did I just read correctly that I’m the love of his LIFE?  I kept reading, not really wanting to know what happened next, but at the same time unable to stop.

He straddled me and started kissing my neck and things started to get pretty heated, but then he suddenly stopped mid love-bite. He hurriedly slid off my lap and tried to make a run for the door just apologizing over and over again. How could he do this to me? How could I let him do this too me? I was mad at myself; for letting him get this drunk, and for letting myself indulge in my fantasies even for a second, but I was made at him too; I know he would’ve done that to anyone who was around, which made me feel so cheap and at the same time mad at him for being such a . I held him against the wall and he gave me this awful tortured look that only pissed me off more. How does he not know how I feel? How could he do this to me? I kissed him with all the emotions I had, crushing his soft lips with mine.

It was wonderful but terrible. I finally let go of him and we both stood their panting. God he looked y. It was so embarrassing though, I just started to cry. I mean, why did I have to go and fall in love with the one person I can never ever have? Life is so unfair. He knelt down and gave me a big hug, which only made me cry more because the futility of it all.  He lost his balance though and kind of flopped on to the floor, about to pass out. Which made me feel even more like a creep.

I ended up giving him a piggyback ride to our taxi and taking us home. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, but he grabbed my wrist in the most adorable way and asked me to stay. I knew I’d only feel that much worse in the morning but how was I supposed to pass up the opportunity?

When we woke up, he didn’t remember anything, THANK GOD. I hope it stays that way, I couldn’t bear him acting more distant around me than he already does.

.

.

.

Oh my god! Oh my god Oh my goodddddd! I’m so embarrassed,  I got up to pee and I must have been distracted because didn’t realize the shower was on in the bathroom and who do you think it was? Hyuk, that’s who!! It’s not like we haven’t seen each other in the shower before, but because of last night I tooootally freaked out. I could barely see, but there he was standing in the steam, eyes closed looking dreamy as hell, and then his eyes snapped open and staring at me like I was a psycho ax murderer! I died. DIED!

Now that I think about it though, if he didn’t know what happened last night, why did he look so freaked out to see me? He wasn’t lying was he? Crap.

There wasn’t anything about the movies, so he must have written this before he’d walked to the living room. But holy wtf??? Did Donghae… like me? How long had this been going on for? How had he hidden his feelings? And NOW how am I supposed to act around him? Well… at least that explains where the hickey came from, I flushed. Did my mouth really do that to him? I felt like crying.

I quickly flipped through the diary to a date about a year ago:

… He keeps telling people we’re just co-workers, whyyyy? He’s so mean sometimes. I know Teukkie says he does it just to bother me, but does he? Every time he says it, it makes me realize even more how one-sided my stupid crush is. I have to get over this already. Ever since I realized how much I like him, the more I notice when he doesn’t reciprocate. It’s like he barely tolerates my hugs now. Does he know how I feel? He can’t know! The only one I talked to was Teuk and he promised not to say anything.

I turned the pages and found another passage:

I feel like I’m the one following him around, even though he says I’m his best friend. He just thinks of me as his annoying dongseng. Why doesn’t he come and look for me if we’re such good friends?? At least he stopped telling people we’re only business partners. WTF Lee Hyukjae?

Was  I really that bad? I asked myself. I never triedto ignore Donghae, well… sometimes I gave him a hard time for his affectionate nature, but only because he always seemed so bubbly and would bounce back so fast. But what were my feelings towards him? I knew I cared about him more than anyone else even if I didn’t show it. And he would be the first person I’d go to if I was ever in trouble. And I know I get jealous when he spends too much time with other members. But have I been taking advantage of him? Taking it for granted that he’ll always be there because he’s such a dedicated friend? I must be hurting him so much every day! I don’t want to hurt him, but… he’s a guy, and I don’t like guys that way. I don’t think. I mean we made out, but…was it like he said, I would’ve kissed anyone? Or was there something more behind it?

Wearily, I put the book back in the drawer, and sat down lifelessly on the bed. Why Donghae? Why do you have to like me?

“What are you doing in my room?” A voice woke me from my thoughts and I looked up. Donghae stood in front of me, a bag in one hand, a quizzical look in his eyes.

I opened and closed my mouth like a fish, not knowing what to say. Donghae’s diary had said he didn’t want me to know what happened, do I pretend not to know? I want to do what ever hurts him the least. I have to act normal!

“I-ice cream?”  I choked out.

“smoooooth,” smirked the evil Kyu voice.

He maintained his skeptical gaze, “You really like your ice cream don’t you Hyukkie?”

“it’s my favorite food,” I nodded, smiling mechanically.

“Okay, I’ll get you some,” If I keep saying ice cream as an excuse every time I’m acting weird in front of Hae, I was going to be eating a lot of ice cream, I thought, as he dragged me down stairs.

Donghae put the key in the ignition and began to drive. I marveled at how unperturbed he looked. I couldn’t believe that he could look so at ease and cheerful, when underneath he was feeling all those things he’d written in his diary. He drummed his fingers lightly on the steering wheel as a new song came on.

“What are we listening to?” I asked, trying to make conversation.

 “Oh, It’s from Gummy’s new album. The song’s good, neh? It’s called ‘Because You’re A Man’[1]” Donghae answered, focusing on the road ahead of him. “…Geudaen namjaraseo namjaraseo jugeodo mollayo. Naega bujokhaeseo neomu motnaseo geudaeman barabogo itjyo” he sang along with the chorus. (trans: Since you’re a man, since you’re a man, you wouldn’t know even if you died. Since I’m lacking, Since I’m foolish, I’m only looking at you)

I continued to listen to the lyrics as the buildings of Seoul flashed by.

I feel uneasy and can’t sleep until you fall asleep

I go crazy when I can’t contact you throughout the night

I’m not someone who expects many things

But I collapse from one of your inattentive words

I thought of al the times I’d made Donghae wait for my return texts, and the times I’d brushed his advances off with harsh words. I wondered if he’d put this song on for a reason. I felt tears running down my cheeks.

“Hyuk!!” Donghae cried, as he looked over and noticed my condition. He quickly pulled over and killed the engine, “Hyukkie, what’s wrong?”

I looked at him, at his angelic, caring face, and just started to cry harder. How could he care so much about someone who caused him so much pain? Why did he let me rely on him so much? I wasn’t worth his love.

He grabbed me by the shoulders, “Lee Hyukjae! Tell me right now why you’re crying! I’ll fix it I promise!”

I pulled him into a tight hug, and felt his arms close around me, giving me a reassuring squeeze. I couldn’t tell him I reciprocated the feelings I’d read about in the diary, but I could tell him this much.

Clutching him tightly, I whispered into his shoulder, “Mianhe Donghae, I’m sorry I take you for granted, and don’t make you feel like I care about you. I do care about you. You’ll always be my closest friend.”

“What’s this about Hyukkie? Why are you being like this all of the sudden?” Donghae laughed and patted my back.

I pulled away and looked him in the eye, “Thank you for being you Donghae, I promise I’ll be a better friend, arraso?”

He gave me a trademark Donghae smile and ruffled my hair, “It’s okay Hyukkie, now stop crying, and I’ll get you some ice cream, k?”

I settled back into my seat. I’d always considered Donghae to be the immature one who needed taking care off in our relationship, why did I feel like he was the one taking care of me?