Chapter 3: Like The Clouds

She was beautiful. She truly was.

Even as her eyes flared with frustration, her lips pursing together and her jaw tightening. Her fists clenched, and her chest rising slightly as she took a deep breath. She was beautiful. I couldn’t help but notice.

I had had a hard time concentrating today with her watching me like a vulture stalking its prey. She was there, and I could feel her, even when she was on the other side of the classroom.

Even as she sat beside me now, my stomach was doing somersaults and my heart was beating erratically. I felt this unknown type of self-consciousness that I had never experienced before, and I didn’t like it. I felt like I had to be careful around her, watch my actions and the things that I said.

I hadn’t actually meant to say anything. I was supposed to be ignoring her, trying to make her give up and leave me alone. But the words came out like a spontaneous spew of vomit, like I had no control over my actions. At first, she was surprised, but now, she was frustrated. She had come to visit me everyday for a whole week, spending at least an hour to try and get me to open up. Her persistence was amazing, especially with someone as stubborn as me. And then, this morning, she had taken me to school and sat and observed me.

No one, and I mean no one had actually taken the time to try and figure me out like that. She was just so different from the rest. She carried this type of confidence, a form of maturity and certainty about her. She was like a closed book, I couldn’t read her, couldn’t figure her out. She was a solid brick wall, unlike any other transparent pieces of plastic that called themselves ‘Therapists’. She was frustrating, annoying, a nuisance and I wanted her to leave. She was just wasting her time.

“You know, Taeyeon,” She says, standing up, brushing the dirt off of her jeans, a small sigh escaping her lips. “I’ve been doing this job long enough to know when someone isn’t only lying to the people around them, but also to themselves.” She gives me a hard stare, something between frustration, annoyance and pity in her eyes. “If you keep pushing people away …it’ll end up that when you need someone, they won’t be there for you because you pushed them too far.”

With those last, agonizing words, she was gone. Walking away from me. I stare at her figure getting further away, eventually disappearing back into the school building, leaving me speechless, and for some reason, it hurt. Her words struck me right in the gut. The space around me no longer seemed as big as it was a minute ago.

The reason her words hurt so much was because they were true, so true. Someone had to tell me, and people had in the past, but coming from her it seemed even more painful. We didn’t even know each other, and yet I felt like someone that I cared for deeply had just broken my heart even further.

I sigh, lean my head back on the tree behind me, the rough bark scratching my scalp slightly as I gazed up at the sky. It was mostly clear up there, with the exception of the odd cloud that seemed to float by without much purpose.

A soft and easy breeze blew by, making my hair lift slightly with the gentle wind, only to fall soundlessly back down again, landing on my shoulders.

All was quiet except from the sound of nature buzzing around me, the sound of the rustling trees and bushes, the sweeping of the wind, the flutter of the insect. It was peace, it was quiet, just how I like it. But I felt uneasy for some reason. Guilty.

Was I wrong?

I furrowed my brows in confusion.

The school bell snaps me out of my thoughts. I groan in protest. I didn’t want to go back in there and have to deal with all those annoying people. But most importantly, I didn’t want to go back in there and have to face Tiffany.

But if I didn’t go back in, they’d probably come looking for me. I sigh, slipping my pencil and sketchpad back into my satchel, standing up and dragging my feet towards the school building, heading to my next class.

I keep my head down, dodging my way through the hallways, trying to avoid as much interaction as possible. The loud chatter of teenagers fills the crowded corridors, I slide and weave my way through several people and squeeze my way through lockers, finally reaching my class.

I let out a small sigh of relief, trudging my way to my seat. I could hear them whispering about me, about Tiffany, they were wondering who she was.

“Did you see that woman with Taeyeon this morning? She was really pretty.” I heard one of the girls whisper.

I ignore them as I always do. I looked over at the other side of the class, expecting to see Tiffany sitting with her legs crossed, looking at me and jotting things down on her notepad, like she had been doing all morning. But she wasn’t there.

The space was empty.

She left? For some stupid reason I thought she would have put up with me for longer, but I guess no one has enough patience for me. At least now she wasn’t wasting her time, and bothering me.

The teacher came in, gathering the attention of the students. He began the lesson by going over some things we learnt in the last class. I had tried to listen, fix my eyes on what he was writing on the board, trying to tune my ears so I could listening to the figures coming out of his mouth, but my mind kept on wandering and so did my eyes.

I glanced out of the window, and my gaze stayed there, on the tree where I had just been sitting, where I had made someone else give up on me. I thought back to what Tiffany had said, the words seemed to sting my brain, but I kept on replaying them, the scene of her looking down at me, the sun behind her, her beauty evident under the nature’s light.

Hwang Tiffany …who was she?

* * *

Particles.

That’s what everything’s made from, right? Well, I think that’s what my chemistry teacher taught us. It was a while ago, I think I was only about thirteen back then, so I don’t really remember exactly what he had said.

But everything, if I remember correctly, is made from particles. Depending on how tightly packed the particles are, decides what state of matter the object is.

If particles are tightly packed together, that means that the object is a solid, and obtains all the properties a solid has. If particles are slightly further apart, that means that it’s a liquid and if particles are even further apart that means the substance is in the form of a gas.

It’s pretty simple, I guess. Quite straight forward.

But when they say ‘everything’, does that really mean everything? Objects around us, yes. Liquids, water, yes. Gas that can be unseen by the eye, yes.

But what about us as humans? We are solid on the outside and have both liquid and gas moving around inside of us. So what state of matter are we? Can we be all of them?

What about human emotions? Can they be labeled with a state of matter? 

Were they a solid? Something that you could touch a