Chapter 20: Again

“Tea? Coffee?”

“Just water is fine, thanks.”

With my back turned, I pour water into a glass, thinking about what to say, how to tackle, emotionally and mentally, the woman sitting on the couch.

I hand the glass to her, and she thanks me with a small appreciative smile. I sit, too, diagonally from her, the corner of the coffee table between us, and how strange it is to see Choi Sooyoung somewhere that’s not the orphanage.

She takes a measured sip before setting the water down. “So…been a busy day?”

I shrug a little, leaning forward to retrieve my clipboard from the table, setting it on my knees. “Just an average day really. What about you?”

“Yeah, me too - same old same old.”

I nod slowly, scribbling Choi Sooyoung at the top of my page. “How’s Taeyeon? I haven’t seen her since the other day.”

I look up when she hesitates. “…She’s fine…I guess.”

“You guess?”

She says nothing for a moment, collecting herself. “Tiffany, I don’t want to seem rude, but why did you invite me here?” She asks, her tone nor harsh nor light.

“When we’re in the orphanage you’re normally very stressed and distracted. Bringing you here makes it easier for the both of us to talk.”

“Talk about what?”

“About you…about Taeyeon.”

There are flecks of supressed panic in her eyes. “What’s she said to you?”

“As you know, anything Taeyeon tells me is confidential.”

She exhales. “So why are we here then?”

“As Taeyeon’s assigned therapist, as her friend, I feel it’s important for me to look at the relationships she has with her loved ones – how they’re effecting her. Besides Jessica, you’re the only loved one I know of Taeyeon’s.”

I don’t fail to notice the tense way in which her face sets as she directs her gaze straight ahead, twisting the ring around her finger.

“Think of it as a real session.” I say, after a few moments of silence. “Anything you tell me is confidential as well.”

She presses her lips together and looks down into her lap. I hear her breathe out. “Okay…” She says. “But how will this help Taeyeon? You’re her therapist, not mine.”

“It’s common theory that people are made up of their own experiences and the people they meet. You’ve known Taeyeon since she was a child – your relationship with her has made her who she is, and there’s a chance that her behaviour is the result of how you act towards her and how you make her feel.”
“You think this Taeyeon problem is my fault?”

Taeyeon problem, I scribble down before looking at her. “For starters, you just admitted that you see Taeyeon as a problem.”

She exhales and I see the struggle knotting up inside her. “Well, obviously I didn’t mean it like that-“

“I’m not here to judge you, Sooyoung.” I say, our eyes meeting. “I admire you a lot. Your job is not easy, and I’m not questioning your ability to care for children, but what I am questioning is your relationship with Taeyeon.”

She looks away again. I sit back and watch the day’s light print bright pictures and darken in small shadows.

She doesn’t say anything for a while - just watches the water in her glass, deep within her thoughts. I say nothing and allow her time to think, go over the consequences and possible outcomes in her head.

“Okay,” She says, nodding, lips pressed into a line. “Okay. I’ll do it…I’ll do it.” She swallows. “For Taeyeon.”

I smile in reassurance. “I think this is the right decision.” I check the time briefly. “Do you want to start now or-“

“Now’s fine. I just need to make a quick call to the orphanage to check up on things.”

I smile and nod in understanding as I watch her stand and leave the room.

The door clicks shut softly and I breathe, roughly sketching out some questions in my head that will enable me to get to grips with whatever is going in Choi Sooyoung’s head – and hopefully guide me through the several interlocking passages that is the labyrinth of Taeyeon’s mind.

* * *

“So, tell me about work.” I say, unscrewing the cap of my pen half way. “How do you find it?”

Her shoulders lift casually. “I’ve been doing it for so long now that it’s just become part of me, I guess…a part of my every day life.” She pauses, twisting the ring around her finger in thought. “…it is stressful though, as any job is…but I do love doing what I do.”

My gaze lingers on her ring for a moment before I screw my pen cap back into place and look back into her eyes. “What about it is stressful?”

“Well…” She breathes. “…I’m essentially taking care of a bunch of kids who haven’t had the easiest of times…each one has their own needs and their own want for attention and love. It can be emotionally draining sometimes.”

I nod, taking note – Work = emotionally draining.

“How long have you been working with kids?”

Her brows scrunch, lips bunched together in thought as her eyes look to the ceiling for answers.  “About…10 years now…? Maybe a bit more or less. I can’t be exact.”

“What made you take the job?”

She smiles a little and I watch her relax very slightly, but the tension is ever present in her shoulders. “In college there was this big trip called ‘World Challenge’. It was the opportunity to travel to a third-world country and make a difference to a community there. I put myself up for it and I got picked. A few months later…I found myself on a plane heading to India.”

Her eyes are distant, fond of the memories she’s repeating.

“We went to West Bengal, and helped to build houses and schools and we gave the people there clothes and food and just…anything that we thought they needed.” She pauses, her eyes refocusing. “I don’t know how to explain it to you, Tiffany…but there was just something about that place…about those people…watching their eyes light up as the walls of the schools were erected and how they could smile despite the fact that they literally had nothing.” She looks down to her lap for a moment, lacing her fingers together. “I feel like I came back a different person…some…” She hesitates slightly. “…things happened after my return. I started volunteering at a few orphanages and when the job opportunity came around I went for it and was successful. I never really looked back.”

I fight the urge to praise her and shift in my seat, crossing one leg over the other. “What about your family? How was your upbringing?”

With the clearing of she tells me that she’d grown up in Seoul, with three younger siblings. “We weren’t exactly rich, but my parents worked hard to give us the things we needed.”

“Your parents worked a lot?”

She nods slowly. “Yes.”

“Does that mean you took care of your younger siblings often?”

She nods once more, and I make sure to take notes when certain things stick out – She is used to having control.

I look up, about to ask another question, but it dies in my throat. I watch quietly, looking at her as she wades through the thousand things going on in her head, still twisting at the ring around her finger.

“You seem…tense.” I say.

She looks back at me. “Oh…really? I’m not-“

“You’ve been playing with that ring since we started.” I gesture with the nod of my head. She looks down at it. “Did your husband give it to you?”

“Husband?” She looks up, a small, sad, sloping smile on her lips. “He might’ve been my husband…I just never got the chance to find out.”

It falls quiet for a moment, and I look on as she removes the ring from her finger and holds it in her palm.

“I’m not married – never have been.”

I pause in thought for a moment, tightening the grip around my pen. “Who gave it to you…if you don’t mind me asking…?”

She swallows, shakes her head a little. “My one and only true love.” The chuckle she gives is pitiful. Her eyes glisten in the sun from outside, and the smile she gives me is filled with many things unsaid. “I met him on the very first day of college. He rode motorcycles and wore leather jackets and smoked too many cigarettes. I met him at a party on my first night there…and…as cheesy as it sounds…I just fell for him. Literally.” She chuckles fondly. “My alcohol tolerance wasn’t exactly high, so he took me back to my dorm and stayed there in case I was sick. I woke up the next day and saw him sleeping on the floor, and then we had breakfast together and…there was just something about him. We just…clicked. He was so different to anyone else I’d ever met. He spoke like he held the whole world in his hands, but at the same time, he was realistic. It wasn’t just a little college romance or a fling…we made plans and he was so serious about it and so was I. Even to this day…I’m sure it would’ve worked out.”

The light in her eyes dulls considerably.

“College ended and we went back to our respective homes for a couple of weeks. And then on our anniversary, he planned to come and see me…but…he never made it…” I watch the tears that have been hanging on her lashes drop and splatter, looking like diamonds and crystals, shattering from impact. “A drunk driver hit him…he was killed instantly.”

I open my mouth to give my condolences but she shakes her head.

“Don’t be sorry…I guess it was just never meant to be.”

I hand her a tissue and she thanks me quietly, trying not to sniffle and cry.

“I’m sorry for getting all emotional – I haven’t spoken about this in a long time.”

“It’s okay. At least you don’t look ugly when you cry.” I say, trying to lighten the mood.

She just smiles, small and subtle and sad.

And as I watch Sooyoung, head lowered as her tears slowly begin to dry, I think that everyone has their own stories and heartbreaks – I know this better than most – but every time someone confides in me a story that they’ve kept locked away for some time, I can never quite look at them the same way. They either morph into someone to be greatly admired, or someone to be avoided with tangles in their hearts and insides. It was normally the former, but too many times the latter.

It falls quiet for a few seconds and then Sooyoung raises her head, her eyes red-rimmed. “I think the hardest thing was that I never got to say goodbye. He was just gone.”

“I understand.” I say softly.<