Chapter 17: Dislike

The swirling of cream and coffee reminds me briefly of the swirling in Taeyeon’s eyes, and how they swim with inexplicable things.

“You’ve been stirring that coffee for the past five minutes,” Donghae says, closing the fridge door behind me. “Something on your mind?”

I set the spoon down, and look to Donghae beside me, wearing his work suit, sipping his own mug of coffee and holding a plate of toast as he leans on the counter.

“I…” I inhale and exhale before shaking my head and giving him a tight smile. “No, I’m fine.”

From the way he looks, I can tell that he doesn’t believe me, but he nods anyway. “So, what are your plans for today?” He puts his mug down on the counter and bites down on his toast, looking at me expectantly.

I pick my coffee up, and hold it in my hands. “I’m going to see Taeyeon, probably spend most of the day at the orphanage. And then I have a few appointments with clients at the office in the evening. And then…I’ll come home.”

“What time?” He asks.

I shake my head a little and look into my mug. “I…uh…I don’t really know. Nine…maybe ten. It depends on how long each session lasts and who I’m seeing.”

“Right…” He sighs, lodging his tongue into his cheek and nodding.

“What about you?” I ask, mostly because I don’t want to endure another one of the many silences we’ve been sharing lately.

“Just the usual – office, meetings, paperwork and presentations. I’ll be home about six, so I’ll make dinner and leave it in the oven for you.”

“Oh…thanks.” I say, giving him a strained smile.

He finishes his toast and I drink my coffee, both of us quiet, listening to the tick of the clock, the drip of the tap.

I set down my mug, he sighs and I look at him.

He stands up straight and places his palms on the counter. “Tiffany…I…” He scours for words, but fails to find them. “Why is this so hard?”

His gaze meets mine and the helplessness in his eyes breaks my heart a little.

“Everything was so much easier before. You, me…just us. And now…I don’t know…”

“Donghae…” I sigh.

“I’m not asking you to drop Taeyeon’s case. I know now that’ll never happen…but the thing is I don’t even know if it is Taeyeon that’s causing all this…I don’t know if it’s just work in general, or maybe your family…or something…but I don’t know because you don’t talk to me anymore.”

“Donghae,” A deep throb slowly begins pulsating at the right side of my skull - too many thoughts. “Things have just been...a little up in the air lately with work…with everything, and I’m trying, I really am but I don’t know what else you want me to do.”

He exhales tiredly. “You don’t know what to do, and neither do I. But there’s obviously a problem here. I mean, you’ve not been yourself lately and you haven’t been for a while now. Maybe you need some time off or…” He leans away from the counter, his arms drooping at his sides, at a loss.

“Donghae, Tae-“ I pause. “These kids, these people, they need me.”

“Yeah, and I need you too.” He says softly, his eyes set with sadness.

“I get it. From the way you’re acting right now, I know you feel lonely and abandoned but-“

“Wait.” He stops me mid-sentence. “Are you diagnosing me?”

“No, Donghae, that’s not it.” I frown. “You’re not a patient or-“

“Really? Because that sure is how you’re making it out to be.”

I close my eyes, release a breath. “Donghae…I…I don’t know what you want.”

He steps forward and takes my hands in his gently. “I want my girlfriend back.”

I open my eyes and lift my gaze to him. His eyes shine with hope, with concern, and I realise that we’ve just been going in circles, and I wonder what I can do to break the loop.

“Lets spend some time together. I think it can do us some good. Just us two.” He suggests, biting down on his bottom lip briefly, dissecting my expression carefully with his eyes. “How about dinner next weekend?”

I search his eyes, see the twinkle and give in. “Okay.” I reply after a second, and the sight of his grin breaking across his face makes me smile a little, genuinely and sincerely.

“Perfect.” He leans in and kisses me softly, his palms warm against mine. “We can get through this, Tiffany. I know we can.” There is sense of sureness in his voice, in every contour of his face, and he almost makes me believe it. His eyes flicker to the clock ticking on the kitchen wall, and slight panic drops across his face. “Oh, I’m late. I should get going.” He pulls away and grabs his brief case, before kissing me one last time. “Bye. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

And I watch him walk out, and I watch him smile, and then I listen to the front door close, and then I convince myself that maybe the loop doesn’t need breaking.

* * *

When worrying about Kim Taeyeon there are just so many things to worry about.

I pick up her file from my bedside table and thumb through the scarce amount of sheets slowly. I’ve read through these pages at least one hundred times since I’ve met her, but I keep on reading, as if something might’ve changed, but it hasn’t, it never has.

Maybe I should’ve stayed yesterday and waited instead of rushing off to see those clients, maybe I shouldn’t have let Sooyoung unlock the door herself, maybe things hadn’t turned out alright…maybe Taeyeon wouldn’t be okay after all of this…

I set the file back down, close my eyes and take a breath. And maybe I was just stressing about nothing.

I open my eyes again, grab my handbag off of the vanity table, and begin making my way downstairs, my hand sliding down the slope of the banister.

All I can do is hope, because I haven’t heard from Sooyoung and I haven’t heard from Jessica, and I most definitely haven’t heard from Taeyeon. Yes, all I can do is hope - hope until I get to the orphanage and see the situation for myself.

Once I’m down the stairs, I slip into my shoes, but then the doorbell rings, and I frown, wondering who would be showing up at this time on a Saturday, because not many people tend to visit unless we invite them.

I set my bag down and pull the door open, and my eyebrows raise in surprise when I see Kim Taeyeon standing on my porch, hands in her pockets, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

Her eyes are big and dark as she looks at me, as if she hadn’t been expecting to open the door. She lifts a hand and scratches at the back of her neck. “Uh…hi.”

I smile a little at her. “Hey. What’re you doing here?”

“Oh,” She looks around, down at her feet, and then past me before meeting my eyes and suddenly she looks sadder. “Is this a bad time? Or like…am I not allowed to be here…?”

“No, no. Of course you’re allowed to be here. I’m just a little surprised as all.”

She nods. “Right.” And then she takes a breath, purses her lips, as if mustering something up inside of her, because I can see the cogs turning behind her eyes. “Tiffany,” She says after a minute. “If you’re not busy…then maybe…uh…you’d like to take a walk with me? It’s okay if you’ve got other things to do…I just…I just wanted to talk…”

“I’d love to take a walk with you.”

Her pupils dilate, surprised.

“Really? Are you sure? It’s okay if you don’t want to-“

“Taeyeon,” I say softly and she stops babbling, and its only after she stops and looks at me with eyes like a child, that I realize that she had been babbling, and it was the first time I’d seen her talk like that with eyes like that. I press on. “I want to. I was actually just on my way over to the orphanage anyway, and a walk with you sounds perfect right now.”

She blinks at me, swallows down and nods, maybe almost cracking a smile. “Great.”

We walk quietly, the sun projecting down on us, and the leaves swaying, my handbag dangling from the tips of fingers, and Taeyeon seemingly lost in thought.

There’s something different about her. About her eyes, and how they’re suddenly alive with things other than just Jung Jessica.

“It’s a lovely day.” I say, tracing the clouds. “Don’t you think?” I look at her.

She looks at me briefly before looking into the baby blue sky. “Yeah.” A cessation. “It’s a really lovely day.”

I smile at that, and lower my eyes and watch my feet travel over the pavement.

There were so many questions, teetering precariously at the edge of my lips, about Jessica, where she was and how things had gone, but I don’t ask. I don’t ask because Taeyeon needs time to think and consider, and questions won’t help. I press my lips together.

She takes a left, through the gates and into the park, and I follow her soundlessly. We walk side-by-side, steps in sync.

With all the people, and all the sun, and all the heat, and a little bit more of Taeyeon than usual, a sense of peace settles upon my shoulders, a sense of easiness that I don’t want to lift.

We walk up the hill, the sun peeking over, and when we reach the top Taeyeon stops by a familiar bench.

“Do you…uh…want to sit?” She asks, avoiding my eyes.

“Yeah, sure.” I sit, and watch as she scratches the back of her head and creases her forehead as she takes her place beside me.

I look out at the view of the park and the people, and the general life as it goes on, and I listen to Taeyeon take a deep breath and I watch as she fiddles with her fingers from my peripheral vision.

And then silence settles, but its no longer awkward or testing, its just silence. Silence in its simplest form, and I’ve come to realize that silences with Taeyeon were now natural.

She straightens her back after a moment. “Tiffany,” She looks at me, I look at her. She clears a little. “I just wanted to…uhm…thank you…for, you know…getting in touch with Jessica.”

I hide my surprise behind a calm demeanour. “That’s okay, Taeyeon. There’s no need to thank me.”

She purses her lips for a moment and looks down into her lap. “But there is, isn’t there?” Her eyes land upon me once more, brown and warm under the blue skies. “I don’t think I would’ve ever seen her again…if it wasn’t for you…”

To that I don’t reply. She looks away, back down as she clasps her fingers together atop her thighs.

“I…uh…also wanted to say that…I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“Yeah, sorry.” She confirms, and I want her to look at me, I want to see her eyes, but she seemingly has some sort of fascination with the concrete beneath her shoes. “I know I’ve said it before…but…I mean it…much more now.” She swallows down. “Uhm…I’m not great with this…whole talking thing…but I know I’ve made things…harder for you. So…I’m sorry.”

I smile a little, at her words, at the way she spoke, really just everything about her makes me smile. “It’s okay, Taeyeon. I’ve had much worse than you.”

She lets out a breath, and I see a fleeting smile of relief. Her whole body relaxes, and all of this takes me aback slightly, because right now in front me, I see change.

“Really?” She asks, meeting my eyes, and now she looks a lot more like the way I really envision Taeyeon to be.

“Yeah,” I nod, and smile once again. “Other than just working with kids, I also work with adults. I have an office in the middle of the city where people come and see me and talk about their problems. I can maybe take you there one day, if you want.”

“Yeah…maybe…” She returns her gaze to the park and we just sit for a little while.

I take it all in, lean back against the bench with the sun in my eyes and just take everything in. I know now that Taeyeon will be okay. If she can do this, then she can overcome whatever else she needs to, and I’ll be there wit