The drive to your house was relatively quiet. I was tired and, despite already eating noodles back at the apartment, I was also hungry so I really did not have the energy to be talkative. You on the other hand looked pensive. The last time I saw you like this was also after a Joon-related incident. You were more pissed off than I was. I was just so happy to have been able to stand-up to Joon (I even kicked his balls!).

 

Remembering the events that occurred earlier made a shiver run down my spine. You were like a knight in shining armor when you came bursting through my door, except that I already took care of the villain myself. It’s the thought that counts, anyway. I did not even mind that I would have to fix that door later on. The worry I saw in your eyes was enough to make me fall even harder. I imagined that this must be what Alice felt when she was falling through an endless tunnel leading to Wonderland; momentarily forgetting the fear of crashing to the bottom and feeling as if she was flying instead of falling.

 

I should have felt happier when you said you wanted me to live with you, but what I felt instead was loneliness. I would have given anything to be closer to you but sadly that would have been me asking for too much. Great expectations only bring about great disappointments. You don’t realize how cruel it was of you to ask me to live together. It would only make me want more that something which you obviously could not give. Every day, if I were to live with you, I would only be reminded of that and be hurt. Much like how it hurt when you said:

 

“But Sohee is my girlfriend and I love her. She knows that I love her. She shouldn’t get jealous. It’s normal for friends to be over-protective of each other.”

 

I wanted to slap your silly little head. I don’t know if you’re just stupid or if you simply don’t know that friends do not act this way to each other. For one, friends do not choose each other over their girlfriends or boyfriends. (unless the girlfriends or boyfriends are es or bastards respectively.) But you said so yourself, that you love your girlfriend. So you really shouldn’t have shown this much concern. Stupid Jobu! I tried reasoning out to you but I get the feeling that you did not fully understand what I was trying to say. We ended up laughing on the couch. And then Joon was screaming. I ing hate him! It took all my will power not to whack him dead with the umbrella. 

 

When Joon’s parent came, they did not ask any questions despite seeing their son covered with bruises. I think they saw that I fared worse, with a huge bump on my forehead and a nasty bruise on half my shin. I haven’t looked at my stomach yet but I’m quite sure that it would also be as nasty, if not more, than my other body parts. They left with an apology and a promise that their son would never come near me again. 

 

Back in the car, you were still sulking and I was still dead tired. The silence was relaxing and soon I was drifting off to dreamland. But then your phone rang. You told me to answer it for you, and I felt giddy again. It felt as if I was your girlfriend. I shook the feeling off and channeled my of a brain to tell me off for being delusional. Sandara, stop being delusional, my brain said. So I stopped. Thank you brain, I thought. My brain did help but it was what I saw on your phone that stomped out my delusional behavior. The one calling was Sohee, your girlfriend. Her pretty face was on the screen of your phone, as if reminding me that I had no right to be feeling this way. I clicked the answer button and handed it to you. You seemed irritated so I mouthed, “Sohee.”

 

All the tension in your face immediately disappeared and I felt that familiar scratch in my heart again. I was jealous but I had no right to be.

 

“Soh… I didn’t notice that you were calling earlier… She’s fine… We’re on our way back to my house… She kicked that bastard’s … I can’t just leave her alone at her house, she’s all beaten up too… We won’t be alone, I also called Bom and Chaerin to sleep over… Okay, bye. Good night.”

 

My mind began filling up with the possible things that your girlfriend could’ve said during that short exchange. Maybe she was jealous that’s why she’s asking why you had to invite me over to your place. Maybe she’s worried that something might happen between us that’s why you had to assure her by inviting Bom and Chaerin, too. But then, I dismissed all these thoughts. You said that Sohee never gets jealous and I don’t think she’s the type to be petty. 

“Bom and Chaerin are coming too?” I asked excitedly.

 

“Yeah, I texted them what happened a while ago and they kind of just invited themselves.” you said humorously.

 

“The more the merrier, right? Besides, the four of us haven’t had a sleepover for quite some time, it would be a nice change. Sometimes I get scared being alone in your attic.” I said.

 

You glanced at me and a smile formed on your lips. “You should’ve told me. I would’ve slept in the attic too instead of in my room.”

 

“Oh well, next time, maybe.” I said but what I really wanted to say was, “I did think about telling you but I was afraid of being rejected.”

 

I don’t know for how long I have slept but when I woke up from your gentle nudging, we were already at your village. You carried my bag while we walked the short distance from the communal parking lot to your house. Even from afar, I could already see Bom and Chaerin sitting at the steps of your front porch. When they saw us they immediately sprinted towards our direction. 

 

“Dara!” they screamed in unison.

 

Once again, I was filled with warmth and contentment. I pondered on how lucky I was for having met such wonderful people and even becoming friends with them. 

 

“Bommie! Chaerin-ah!” I screamed back at them suddenly noticing how raspy my voice has become.

 

We hugged for a brief moment before they began to assess my appearance. I may have really looked beaten up judging by the way they scowled.

“That bastard boyfriend of yours must really be messed up in the head, huh?” Chaerin said.

 

“Ex. That bastard is Dara’s ex-boyfriend.” you corrected her.

 

Bom shook her head as she tried to pry my luggage away from you. “You know Ji, you’re the only one really bothered by such technicalities.” she said to you before turning to me. “Hey, I heard you kicked his balls! How was it? Was it satisfying?” she asked.

 

“Oh yes it was! You have no idea how much I have wanted to do that before. I also hit his head with a pail and I whacked him mercilessly with an umbrella.” I said relishing the memory.

 

“And what did Jiyong do?” Chaerin interjected.

 

“Well, he cooked me some noodles.” I said wholeheartedly.

 

Bom and Chaerin both looked at you with mock incredulity. You held one hand in front of you in defiance.

“Yah! When I got to Dara’s apartment, she already had Joon taken care of!”

 

I laughed a bit while patting your shoulders. “Jobu, they’re just making fun of you.”

 

Bom and Chaerin were already on the porch. They were each holding one strap of my backpack and both were laughing boisterously.

 

“Yeah, Jiyong. It’s not your fault that Dara is more of a man than you are.” Bom said.

 

I shook my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. They both know how sensitive you are to jokes regarding this topic and yet they kept on bullying you with it. We’ve already lost track of how many times you have been mistaken for a cross-dressing girl. I guess you’re just too pretty that people assumed you for something else entirely. I gave Bom and Chaerin a disapproving look as I ascended the steps to join them at the porch.

 

“Stop making fun of him, you two! Jiyong was so worried about me that he offered to have me stay at his house permanently.” I said, waiting for the two girls' response. I wanted to ask them directly if I should just accept your offer but I don’t want to be too obvious.

 

“Makes sense, Dara.” Bom readily agreed. I was not expecting that answer but I feigned nonchalance thanking the stars for my natural ability at hiding my emotions. They wouldn’t know how surprised I was.

 

Chaerin, too, was very approving. “It won’t really be much of a difference since you practically live here anyway.”

 

“What do you mean I practically live here anyway?” I asked, trying to look offended.

 

“Well, let’s see, you stay at Jiyong’s house for almost the whole week and only go back to your apartment during the weekends to get some fresh clothes and to drop off your dirty ones at the laundry shop.” Chaerin offered a solid argument. This got me to thinking about my decision earlier. If I accepted your offer, it wouldn’t make much of a difference to the set-up we have now. So, why was I turning you down again? Oh, right. Because of your girlfriend.

 

“I have been kind of thick-skinned, haven’t I?” I asked you as you followed me closely from behind. Bom and Chaerin were already making themselves at home inside your house and we’re both still standing on the front porch. 

 

“Just think of it this way, I was the one who insisted that you stay at my house. We’re like family already so stop thinking that nonsense.” you said as you ruffled my hair.

 

“Thanks Jobu, and by the way, nice shirt. No wonder they always think you’re a girl.” I said before running inside the house. I was joking but really it took every ounce of my energy to even just be humorous. We’re like family? Really? If there’s something worse than being in the friend zone, it’s being in the family zone. What the hell? How do I get out from that? I metaphorically hung my head in despair at the thought. I guess I should start burying my feelings from now on. But how would I do that?

 

I know! I’ve read somewhere about desensitizing. Basically an individual is constantly presented with a pleasant or hurtful stimulus so often that they learn to ignore or not feel it at all. For example, if I like bananas and proceed to eat bananas all day, every day, there will come a time that I would learn to not like bananas as much as I like it at the start of the experiment. Yes, but in this case, the banana would be you. And it would be beneficial to me if I live with you so that I would be desensitized of these feelings. 

 

But what about Sohee? my brain was smart enough to bring up that problem. I thought that maybe if I befriend Sohee, she’d trust me enough to let me stay at your house.

 

But wouldn’t just staying permanently at your apartment be more of a wise decision? Very good points, brain. But I’d like to be illogically logical sometimes. If my brain was human and not just some metaphorical device I use to explain my thought process, she would be furiously shaking her head at me right now. And I will ignore her thinking that I’ve justified my decisions well enough. If I were to be honest with myself, I just want to be closer to you. 

 

So I've made my decision. I'll accept your offer.

 

You caught up to me in the dining room where the Ahjumma in charge of cooking has already set-up the table. Bom and Chaerin were already in their respective seats; Bom at your right hand-side while Chaerin sat next to her. Your usual seat is at the head while I took the seat at your left. Sometimes, when your parents or your brother, Seungri, is at home, he would join us for dinner. But tonight, it was just the four of us. Dinner was uneventful but happy nonetheless. We talked while we ate mostly about how I beat Joon up. You were in a far better mood than when we were in your car and I was a bit jealous of how Bom and Chaerin could cheer you up when I couldn’t. I worry about how much you worry for me. That goes for Bom and Chaerin, too, even though they don’t worry as much as you do. And maybe I prefer that. It just goes to show that they believe more in my strength. Unlike you, they don’t think of me as some fragile thing that needs to be protected all the time.

 

I was filled with so many thoughts until the time came for us to sleep. As per sleep-over tradition we ate some chocolates while watching some random cooking show that Bom picked. At nights when we’re lucky, Chaerin would snatch the remote from Bom and find something more interesting to watch than some old lady baking chocolate-chip cookies. Tonight was not one of those lucky nights so we were stuck to watching yet another cooking old lady. Ah, but this old lady was cooking Korean food. I was genuinely engrossed with the show that’s why I did not notice when Bom started dozing off. I heard her snores and instinctively looked at Chaerin, who was by then, also fast asleep. It was always like this. Chaerin would be the first to slumber, followed by Bom. We would talk for a while and then you’d go down to your room to sleep. But tonight, you stayed in the attic. Perhaps I was too hasty when I concluded earlier that tonight was not one of those lucky nights. This night may just be the luckiest night of all! (At least for me.) You turned off the lights and we talked some more. 

 

“I think Bom should lay off the corn for a while.” I whispered to you.

 

“Why?” you whispered back.

 

“Because her is getting bigger. There’s hardly any room for us. I’m already lying on the gap between the two mats and it’s pretty uncomfortable.” I murmured. Not really a topic for murmuring but who cares, I’ll murmur in this conversation for as long it lasts.

 

In the darkness of the room I could feel you stifling a giggle. “Well, scoot closer to me.”

 

I complied. We were lying on our sides, facing each other. Forget about Sohee. I may never come across such a lovely night again, I thought. 

“Hey, I missed these guys. What say I treat you to some Ramyun at that restaurant a few blocks away tomorrow morning?” I murmured. Told you I’d be murmuring.

 

“Okay.” There was a hint of sleepiness in your voice.

 

“Jobu?” I murmured.

 

“Yeah?” you murmured back.

 

“I thought you were on a date with Sohee? Why were you calling on my phone, you know, that time when Joon was with me.” I asked.

“Well, we were in her favorite stationary shop and I saw some pens I thought you’d like. I was just calling to ask you what colors you wanted.” you answered plainly.

 

“Oh.” was all I could respond with. It was nice to hear that you thought of me even when you were on a date with your girlfriend. But it made me a little guilty too. Just a little. ‘Cause, guilt aside, it’s really nice to be thought of.”

 

“Jobu, let’s sleep.” I murmured. (last murmuring for the night, I promise)

 

“Good night, Dara.”

 

“Good night, Jobu.”

 

So there I was pretending to sleep. You were next to me on an old, lumpy red and black checkered mat on the floor. I kept my eyes shut as I listen to the snores coming from the other two people in the attic. Chaerin was on the black leather sofa, which was situated above our heads. Bom was at my right side, hogging the better and more comfortable blue mattress. I’m not complaining, though. I actually prefer sharing this mat with you. Because it’s only meant to be slept on by one person, I have the excuse of scooting closer to you. Your breathing was shallow and came in rapid successions, as if you were snorting. Having a background on medical, science-y stuff, I somehow knew that you were also just pretending to sleep. What I don’t know, however, was if you were pretending for the same reason I was.

 

My reason was simple. You were mine for tonight, and I was just making the night last for as long as I could.