I didn’t even know we had PE and homeroom classes together.  Well, that was before you asked me to be your chemistry lab partner. It took me quite a while to really look at you and take in your appearance because at that time I was so focused only on the aspect of you being my savior. But boy was I really lucky! My savior turned out to be one of the cutest guys at school (or so I’ve heard from the other girls gossiping in the comfort room). Not that I would mind being saved by someone less cute but I’m a girl so, you know, cute looks are a plus.

 These are the things I’ve observed during our classes together:  you were tall and skinny and you walk with a laid-back attitude; you were not really my type but I thought that you were cute; you have the most beautiful facial profile I have ever seen on a guy. But that’s not what really convinced me of your cuteness. It was your smile; your smile that stretches the edges of your mouth creating huge spaces beside your perfectly straight set of teeth. Your brown hair was always messy but somehow it suits you really well. Despite finding you attractive, I hastily concluded that I would never fall for you.

So why am I recalling these things? Well, for one you were still hugging me from behind and two I discovered just a few days ago my blunder when I concluded that I would never like you as more than a friend. Oh , how wrong was I? I could not deny anymore that I do like you as more than a friend because if it was someone else who pulled this back-hugging maneuver on me, he or she would be at the hospital by now.

“Jiyong. What has gotten in to you lately?” I asked, hoping that my tone gave away nothing about my escalated heart rate.

As if jolted back into reality, you released me and stood very still. I was still facing the other way so I have no way of knowing what expression you have on your face. I’m not really sure I want to know because I might only get hurt if I see resentment or confusion there.

“Jobu, I need to go home in a bit..” I started but you cut me off.

“Dara, I’m sorry if I invaded your personal space.” you said; regret seeping from your voice.

I faced him and put on my most cheerful smile. “What the hell are you talking about? You said it yourself that it’s normal for friends to hug occasionally.. And I didn’t really mind.” Please, please I don’t ever want you to stop doing that! We just started being touchy-feely -- was what I really wanted to say to you. You seemed to relax and began to smile mischievously.

“Then you wouldn’t mind if I do this to you?” you asked before lifting me and carrying me all the way to the attic. I wanted to scream but I don’t want to cause a commotion at your house.

“Yah! Jobu, what the hell do you…” Before I could finish my verbal assault you flung me towards the leather sofa and began tickling my sides. I was screaming relentlessly. I don’t care what your family would think because I couldn’t really stand being tickled.

“Yah! ! hahahahaha! Stop! hahahaha! what.. haha.. Are you doing?!”

Finally you stopped and hovered over me, one of your knees was resting on the sofa while your arms were propped at either side of me.  I was sprawled on my back, heaving frantically as I tried to regain a normal breathing pattern.

“Kwon Jiyong.. Never do that to me again!” I stated angrily.  Only then did I realize the position that we were in. We locked eyes for a moment before I abruptly turned my head to the side. This is not a movie scene, I reminded myself. This is reality and people don’t really look into each other’s eyes for a whole minute while music plays in the background. I was making it pretty obvious that I was not comfortable but you were not making any effort to amend our situation.

“Dara.” you called out to me. Even though I was not looking at you, I could still feel your gaze on me.

“Jiyong. I need to go home.”

“Why? I’m not kicking you out of my house.. yet.”

“Well, I don’t really live here remember. And I’ve ran out of clean clothes already.”

“Oh. But you’ll be coming back right?”

“Yes.” I answered. But seriously Jiyong, are we really going to continue this conversation in this position? I wanted to ask you.

 “Come back as soon as possible, ok?” you said.

“Y-yeah.” I assured you. Just then I remembered that it was the weekend. “Hey, don’t you have any plans with Sohee today?”

You frowned a bit then smiled exorbitantly. “Oh! I almost forgot about our date later! Thanks for reminding me Dara.” You stood up and went to pick up your phone on the table near the sliding doors.

Even though I was uncomfortable of the position we had earlier, I did not particularly say that I want it to change. I was left lying on the sofa, still breathing erratically. I wonder if you knew the effect you had on me. My heart was beating probably a hundred times its normal rate and my brain was suddenly producing nonsense thoughts like:

“Maybe you feel something for me as well and that is why you’re breaching my personal space more this morning.” But my brain was wired to be skeptical all the time so it immediately countered that thought with:

“Jiyong was just feeling extra close with you this morning. You’re just the weirdo who thinks friends do not hug but for your future reference friends do hug and they also play tickle games. Platonic friendship also means that Jiyong would never feel uncomfortable being all up in your face. In fact he’s already so comfortable with you that being in close proximity does not elicit any manly urges in him. And remember he does not see you as a girl. To him, you’re just an amoeba; an amoeba with no gender so it’s safe for him to be this way with you.

“Ouch.” I muttered. Why does my brain have to be a heartless ? I sat up and looked at you. You must be sending Sohee a text message. Lucky girl, that Sohee. I’ve never met her before and you don’t really talk about her that much. It’s already been two years since we became friends and yet you’ve never taken the initiative to introduce me to Sohee. Bom and Chaerin have already met her so I was just waiting for you to introduce me next. But honestly I don’t know if I really want to meet her now. Maybe it would just hurt me if I do.

“Dara, I’ll be going out in a bit too. I need to take a bath. Do you want to go first?” You asked.

“I’ll just take a bath in the bathroom here.” I said while wondering why you asked. You usually use the bathroom next to your room anyway so we never really coordinated about our bathing schedule.

 “I’ll go first.” And with that I took a bath.

It only took me 15 minutes to clean myself. With just a towel wrapped around me I walked out of the bathroom and discovered that you were still in the attic. You looked at me as if it was not the first time you saw me clad in only a towel. I’m almost , dammit. I remembered what my brain concluded for me just a while ago: Being with me does not elicit any manly urges in you. So with that reminder, I tried my best to look nonchalant. I took out some clothes from my backpack taking extra care to conceal my smiley-faced underwear. I glanced at your direction and saw that you were sitting at the desk near the entrance. You were concentrating on something on your laptop screen.

How would I put on some clothes with you here? I thought. I know it won’t be rude of me to kick you out of the attic since I’m still a girl after all. But I really am curious about the way you have been acting since last night. I decided to let the situation continue for a little while longer. Instead of going back inside the bathroom to put on some clothes I stayed in the attic. With the towel secured just above my chest I began to don my undergarment. (Of course making sure you don’t see my goods) I was surreptitiously glancing at you once in a while to determine if you were watching me dress up. You seemed focus on your laptop but I could see that you were definitely checking me out from time to time. See here, this also solidified the belief in my recently found feelings for you. If it was someone else watching me put on some clothes I would have screamed “ert” and kicked them out of the room.

You were still at the desk by the time I’ve finished putting on a pair of pants and a t-shirt that ironically has the writing: Thanks for looking. You were still staring intently at your laptop screen.

“Yah, Jobu. What are you waiting for? Take a bath already.” I said.

“Oh. You’re finished already! I didn’t even notice! I was looking at Sohee’s pictures for a while now so I didn’t really see you come out from the bathroom.” You said rather excitedly.

“I’ll be letting myself out then.” I said while picking up my backpack and slinging it over my shoulder. I peeked at you one last time before descending the stairs. Your eyes were still glued to the laptop monitor. I sighed and went on my way.

The ride back home takes about 1 hour so I made myself comfortable on one of the chairs in the right back corner of the bus. With the time I have I got to thinking about everything that happened last night and this morning. Even though people think I’m dense, I really am quite perceptive. I just don’t want to jump to conclusions so I analyze everything first before coming to any conclusion.

We have been friends for two years and even though we’re usually together we don’t really have a very physical relationship. I’ve made it clear from the start how uncomfortable I become whenever my personal space is invaded. But since we’re close I let you hug me at times. But those were pretty awkward hugs, so thinking back on those instances now; I realized that I may have disappointed you. Then again, why would you be disappointed? You did not show any signs of being attracted to me before. However, last night and this morning you have been giving out signals. Were you flirting with me? Definitely looks like you were flirting with me. But what if I just mistook your actions for flirtations? Then I just gave away my feelings for you by flirting back. Stupid Dara! I must think about this carefully.

Last night, you were leaning your head on my shoulder and your arm was draped over my legs for more than half of the movie. You think I wouldn’t notice that? How could I not notice that? My heart was in my throat the whole time and I was forcing myself to laugh even though I wasn’t paying attention to any of the punch lines anymore. I was caught off guard so I opted for the pretend-nothing-was-amiss strategy. And then, this morning not only did you hug me suddenly but you also initiated a tickle fight! (thank goodness I did not pee in my pants) This just hit me: (or maybe I’m just being extra delusional) you were also watching me while I was asleep! For me this are clear signs that you’re starting to have feelings for me. Whatever those feelings may be, I still have to determine by observing your actions for the days to come. I could not say that you’re starting to like me just yet.

Why?

Well, I was practically in front of you and you didn’t even notice! If just looking at the pictures of your girlfriend gets you so excited then I was probably getting riled up all for nothing. You were obviously so in love with her that your heart wouldn’t even have a small crack for me to fit in. But why the sudden physical closeness? If you knew already that I like you then you’re just being cruel. You’re building up my hopes for something you cannot grant me.

“Jiyong, I wish I could ask you what you were expecting me to feel.”