Lunch time rolled around quicker than Jongin would have liked. He had been psyching himself out as the day went on, wondering what he was going to say and how he would say it in a way that wouldn’t make Kyungsoo hate him even more than he already did.

The more he thought about how to go about it the more he seemed to realize something: He was an .

Okay, so this was something Jongin had always known, but the idea that Kyungsoo might agree, and, in all honesty, probably did, scared Jongin more than anything else. He could apologize, explain, and beg all he wanted but it wouldn’t change the fact that two years ago and even now, he was an .

So Jongin stood in the practice room, slightly dazed, glancing at the clock that now signaled lunch time, and he wondered how in the hell he was supposed to go about getting Kyungsoo back. He had never felt so inadequate and unprepared in his life.

He wished there was a way for him to simply project his feelings to Kyungsoo. To show him that there wasn’t a day that went by when his heart didn’t feel like it was slowly shattering, breaking into tiny pieces without him, that there were moments he found it hard to breathe, as though he was suffocating, when he didn’t know where Kyungsoo was, what he was doing, who he was with, or the moments when the regret of what he had done left him hating himself, a deep loathing Jongin had never felt for anyone but himself.  He could say all of these things to Kyungsoo, repeat them endlessly, write them down in a letter, but Jongin knew that if Kyungsoo didn’t feel them, he wouldn’t fully understand. But Jongin decided that maybe that was fair.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by loud voices that passed by the open door and he fumbled, panic hitting him once again as he picked up his bags with shaky hands and walked out the door, following the voices toward what he liked to call the defining moment for his and Kyungsoo’s relationship, or for lack of a better word, lunch.

He scanned the room, ignoring the waves he got from Sehun and Yixing, only interested in one person at that moment. Finally he spotted him, sitting at an empty table. Jongin noted that Kyungsoo seemed to look just as nervous as he was.

 Without thinking about it, his feet seemed to carry him quickly across the crowded room and he sat down across from Kyungsoo, who glanced up at him and then quickly averted his eyes.

Jongin opened his mouth to say hi but was interrupted when Kyungsoo suddenly muttered, “Look do we really have to do this?” He asked, and when his eyes fluttered up to look at him, Jongin didn’t miss the pain and desperation reflected back at him. “I don’t see why we can’t just leave it in the past. It was two years ago, Jongin.  I just…I don’t see what you’re trying to accomplish. I said we could be friends again and I meant it so what’s the point?”

Friends. Hearing the word left a bitter taste in Jongin’s mouth and he swallowed it back, resisting the urge to reach out for Kyungsoo’s hand that was resting on the table between them.

“Just…” he began, sighing loudly. “There are some things you should know, things I want to tell you, to explain to you, and things I need to say, so just…just let me. Okay?” He finished, and he knew that the pleading look he was giving Kyungsoo was probably unfair, that the whole situation was unfair, but he forced back the wave of self-loathing and continued to look at Kyungsoo, the sheer desperation evident on his face.

Kyungsoo breathed in deeply, his eyes falling to his lap and he nodded meekly. “Okay.” He said, his shoulders slumping down in defeat.

“Can we…can we do this somewhere less crowded?” Jongin asked, eying the multitudes of trainees that were bustling around them, some of them shouting and running around, all too much of a distraction. Jongin needed peace and quiet, solitude even, if he was going to have any chance of explaining things.

“What? Why?” Kyungsoo asked, a look of confusion on his face. “Why can’t we talk here?”

“Kyungsoo!” They heard from across the room and Jongin looked over to see Joonmyeon walking toward them, that same smile he always wore on his face.

“That’s why.” Jongin said, not hiding his annoyance as he rolled his eyes and before Kyungsoo could protest or Joonmyeon could reach their table he reached out to grab Kyungsoo’s wrist and pulled him out of his chair and out the door towards their room.

“Jongin!” Kyungsoo attempted to wriggle out of Jongin’s hold but as they walked down the hall Jongin only held on tighter, his determination to talk to Kyungsoo alone, to be with him alone, spurring his feet forward in a fast pace.

They reached their room ad Jongin finally let go, closing the door behind him and sighing in relief. He turned to face a bewildered and angry Kyungsoo.

“What the hell was that?” he sputtered, clutching at his wrist.

“Did I hurt you?” Jongin asked, another wave of self-loathing hitting him when he realized that he had practically dragged Kyungsoo down the hall.

“No.” Kyungsoo answered, blushing a deep red. “It’s just…tingly, that’s all.” He rubbed his wrist again before dropping his hands to his side and standing awkwardly, looking anywhere but at Jongin. “Look, just say what you need to say.” He said, settling down on his desk chair, his tone suddenly harsh. Jongin figured he deserved it.

“Okay-” And then words just seemed to pour out of Jongin. He couldn’t stop them as they tumbled out one after the other, all in so much of a rush to be heard that Jongin figured he wasn’t making any sense but he kept talking, kept explaining, barely taking a breath as went on and on and he didn’t miss the way Kyungsoo’s face only looked back at him blankly. There was no shock, no anger, no happiness. He simply looked the same as when he and Jongin had first seen each other again. Blank. Devoid. So different from the Kyungsoo he used to know that had every emotion he felt clear on his face, evident for the whole world to see.

And as Jongin kept talking, he secretly wondered if it was his fault. If he was the one who had caused Kyungsoo to force his emotions back. To sit there like he was, looking blank and empty, as though he was feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Jongin visibly shuddered at the thought.

When he was done speaking, when every word, every thought, apology, and explanation had fallen from his lips, he took a deep breath and slumped down onto his bed, all the while keeping his eyes on Kyungsoo, waiting for a reaction.

 But all that followed was silence. It was a suffocating silence in which Jongin held his breath, waiting for something, anything. And then the panic hit, the fear that he had said something wrong.

Jongin simply couldn’t take the deafening silence, the panic, the suffocation of it and so he let out a small whimper of fear and need and he said “Kyungsoo, please, say something.”

“You’re saying…” Kyungsoo began. His voice was small and hoarse, and, despite his blank face, full of emotion. “You’re saying you broke up with me because I was…a distraction?” His voice broke slightly on the last word and Jongin flinched at the anguish in his tone and when Kyungsoo finally faced him, Jongin saw the same anguish in his wide eyes.

“No.” Jongin stated, an angry lilt to his words. “You were never a distraction, Kyungsoo.” He needed him to understand that. “I confused wanting to be with you all the time as you being a distraction.” As Jongin said those words he realized how true they were. “It’s wrong for me or anyone else to blame you for the fact that I had skipped practices and rehearsals.” Jongin took another breath, rubbing his hand over his face, struggling with how to tell Kyungsoo what he was trying to say. “I didn’t realize it then, but I do now. I realize that I skipped because I would rather be with you than be at dance practice. I’m trying to say that it I broke up with you for a false reason, Kyungsoo. And that I regretted it as soon as I did it.”

Kyungsoo stood up suddenly, turning around and pacing to the window and back, biting his lip as he seemed to think.

“You can’t just do this.” He said after pacing a few more times. “This isn’t…it isn’t fair. I mean, Jesus, Jongin. I only just saw you again yesterday after two years, and I was pretty sure I had gotten over you,” He paused, meeting Jongin’s eyes, a look of sadness and yet fondness in his eyes. “At least as much as I could. But now you’re saying these things and you think you’re making it better but you’re not!” He paused again and Jongin could tell he was trying to choke back tears so he stood and walked to stand in front of Kyungsoo. “You’re making it worse.” Kyungsoo muttered, stepping way from him, and wiping at a tear that had managed to escape.

“Kyungsoo,” Jongin whispered, wondering if it was possible to hate himself more than he already did.

“I have to go vocal practice.” Kyungsoo said, interrupting him and giving a pointed look to the clock.

“Skip it.” Jongin pleaded, reaching out to touch Kyungsoo’s cheek and smiling to himself when Kyungsoo didn’t shy away from his touch.

“You can’t ask me to do that. It’s my first day here, I can’t miss it.” He reached up and removed Jongin’s hand from his cheek before stepping away.

“Wait,” Jongin said and he made no effort to hide the desperation in his voice. “I just…I need to say one more thing.” He fiddled nervously with the hem of his shirt.

“Jongin, I really don’t-”

“I love you.” He blurted quickly. He hated how ineloquent it sounded, how rushed and shaky it was in its delivery. But Jongin needed to say it. Out of all things he had wanted to say to Kyungsoo, that was the most important. He felt it was the most honest thing he could say.

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened and his lip quivered in surprise. He stared dumbfounded at Jongin for only a moment before his face twisted in anger and in a split second he reached his hand up and slapped it across Jongin’s right cheek.

The only sound in the room was a harsh echo of the slap, and Kyungsoo continued to glare as Jongin reached a hand up to cradle his cheek.

“You can’t just say that, Jongin!” He exclaimed abruptly. When Jongin simply stared back at him he seemed to calm down, his eyes softening and as he bit his lip he said quietly, “You really aren’t being fair.”

“I know.” Jongin replied softly, knowing it was true. He looked to the floor and let his hand fall from his cheek, but as soon as it was gone, it was replaced by Kyungsoo’s. He looked up, startled, to see Kyungsoo looking back at him as he ran his thumb delicately over his red cheek, and before Jongin knew what was happening Kyungsoo was leaning in, his eyes closing and Jongin thought he had never been more confused in his life but that didn’t stop him from leaning into the kiss, meeting him halfway and connecting their lips hungrily.

It had been two long years since he had kissed Kyungsoo and he had forgotten how addictive it was. He quickly fell back into the rhythm of it, wrapping his hands around Kyungsoo’s small waist and holding the boy tightly to him, a tidal wave of bliss and pure happiness running through him for the first time in a long, long while.

But as soon as it had started it was over. Kyungsoo pulled back harshly, causing Jongin’s arms to fall away and he backed up shakily, his lips swollen slightly.

“I…I shouldn’t have done that.” He said and before Jongin could protest, Kyungsoo was out the door, leaving Jongin to stand alone, lips hungering for more, heart beating wildly, and still more confused than ever.