~~ I am dedicating this chapter to mrluffy because anyone who re-reads my story 4 times deserves all the love in the world :)

Of all the things Jongin expected to feel after his confession, more confusion was not of one of them.

He sat alone in the practice room, Kyungsoo gone and the stereo turned off. He felt like a teenage girl because there he was, sitting in the same spot Kyungsoo had left him, analyzing each and every single detail of the kiss trying to figure out what exactly it meant.

Maybe he was just being dense but did it mean yes? It sure seemed like it did with the way Kyungsoo’s hands had held on tightly to Jongin’s shoulders, the way he didn’t protest when Jongin had pulled him closer, or the way he broke away with a smile and a goodbye full of regret, as though he hadn’t wanted to leave.

But then again, Jongin’s brain had been muddled with various sensations and maybe he was only seeing what he wanted to see?

“You’re being stupid.” Yixing told him later that night when Jongin had barged into his room, kicking Wufan out in order to seek advice from the one person Jongin figured was sane enough to help him. It had been a long lead up what with Jongin having to explain his whole relationship with Kyungsoo due to the fact that he had never really told Yixing, or anyone else for that matter, about their past.

Yixing kindly informed him that everyone basically already knew. “Remember when I told you you’re not exactly subtle…”

Jongin had chosen to ignore him for a few moments before he remembered that he still needed help.

“You’re being stupid.”

There was really no response to that because it was true. Jongin had always been stupid. That was why he was even in this situation in the first place. The question was how did he stop being stupid?

“I’m pretty sure that if he kissed you, it means he forgives you.” Yixing stated, flipping through a Chinese magazine as he lounged on his bed.

“But…”

“No. Stop thinking.” Yixing’s tone was firm and Jongin sighed because he would hate to admit it, but that was actually pretty good advice. He would be lying if he didn’t say that all the thinking and analyzing he’d been doing lately had been tiring. He was sick of worrying and of hating himself and of longing.

Kyungsoo had kissed him. And here he was being irrational by torturing himself over the what ifs and the technicalities.

“Just go. Kiss him some more. Be free. Whatever.” Yixing waved his hand in the air, his eyes still trained to the magazine.

Jongin nodded his head and strode from the room with a confidence that disappeared as soon as he reached his dorm door.

Should he knock? No, he lived there. Should he just go in? But what would he say? What would he do? Yixing had said to kiss him again but surely he couldn’t just walk in and kiss him? Shouldn’t he say something first? But what? Hello? No, too formal and awkward. Hey? No, too casual and flippant. Oh God this was turning into a disaster all over again and maybe he should just run back to Yixing and-

“Jongin?” The door opened in front of him and there Kyungsoo stood, a small amused smile on his face as he looked up into Jongin’s panicked eyes. “Are you gonna come in?”

Jongin made a pained, squeaky noise and nodded his head stiffly before walking into the room.

His mind was going a mile a minute and he couldn’t process everything at once. He had expected to simply fall back into his relationship with Kyungsoo, to be able to function how they did before, as though they were connected and no words were necessary. Carefree and simple.

But Jongin was afraid. He was worried that if he made a mistake again that everything would fall apart and that this time he would have no second chance because he had already used it.

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo asked, pushing Jongin towards the bed and sitting them both down. “Are you…okay?”

"Wh-What do you mean?” Jongin asked, wondering where he should put his hands. Kyungsoo’s rested lightly on his shoulder and he simply wanted to grasp them but he wasn’t sure if that would be the right thing to do.

“Jongin.” Kyungsoo laughed, his hands leaving Jongin’s shoulders and Jongin almost whimpered at the loss.

“What?” Jongin glanced over to see Kyungsoo still laughing at him, his hand clasped over his mouth and his eyes in moon-like crescents. “What?” He repeated indignantly.

“Sorry,” Kyungsoo muttered, attempting to compose himself. “It’s just that you’re being so…you just look so nervous and confused and I’m sorry but it’s so funny. You’re just never like this.”

Jongin almost guffawed.  Had he been just been that good at hiding it? Because he had felt exactly like this ever since Kyungsoo came back into his life. He had never been more unsure of himself, more scared, or more nervous. Had Kyungsoo really not noticed?

“Are you serious?” Jongin replied, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’m always like this around you.” Kyungsoo’s brow furrowed, his amused smile fading slightly. “You scare me.”

Kyungsoo shifted uncomfortably, looking as though he didn’t understand.

“But…why?” he questioned, all traces of teasing gone.

Was all of this obvious only to Jongin? “Because I love you. I’m in love with you and I already lost you once and I don’t want that to happen again, but I’m stupid. And I just…I’m not really sure how act around you because I don’t want to do something wrong.  And I’m scared you don’t feel the same way and I don’t want-”

He was cut off when Kyungsoo began laughing again, a soft giggle that grew louder when Jongin pouted. He was having a serious moment, dammit. Bearing his soul and all that.

“What?” Jongin felt petty for being hurt by it but really, when he’s telling someone how much he loves them, laughter isn’t exactly what he wants to hear in response.

“I’m sorry but really Jongin, you can be so dumb sometimes. I thought I already gave you an answer.” Kyungsoo stated, leaning into Jongin with a smile.

“Did you?” Had Jongin missed it? He really thought he would remember something like that.

“I’m pretty sure this-” Kyungsoo leaned up, his hand on Jongin’s shoulder, the other snaking up to tilt Jongin’s chin down before he kissed him again. It was short and sweet, but it still left Jongin shaking after. “means yes.”

“Oh.” Jongin felt pretty dense right then because the kiss was Kyungsoo’s way of forgiving him and that had simply gone right over his head.

You’re being stupid. Yixing’s words rang in his head and he smiled, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

“Oh.” Kyungsoo imitated him, laughing some more. Suddenly, his face sobered and he turned to face Jongin, his eyes serious.

“I won’t disagree with you when you say you made a mistake two years ago because you did. It’s taken me a while to get over it, not because you broke up with me, but because you couldn’t just tell me I was distracting you. Your dreams are important to me, Jongin. I would have backed off, given you space. I wouldn’t have broken up with you but I would have understood that we needed time apart for you to be able to focus. But you didn’t even tell me. And that’s what hurts me the most. I didn’t get a choice, I didn’t get to understand. It felt like I was a burden.”

Jongin opened his mouth to say something but found that there weren’t any words for how utterly sorry he was. So instead he buried his face into the crook of Kyungsoo’s neck, his arms wrapping around the small waist he had missed so much.

Kyungsoo returned the embrace, his cheek resting next to Jongin’s, his breath warm on Jongin’s neck.

“I’m sorry for being stupid.” Jongin muttered, realizing those five words were the best summation of all of his feelings. Well plus another three but he had already said them.

“I love you.” He figured it didn’t hurt to say them one more time so that Kyungsoo never forgot.

They both pulled back, smiling shyly at each other before Jongin’s impatience got the best of him.          

“…Aren’t you gonna say it back?”

“Nope.” Kyungsoo stated, smirking when Jongin’s face drooped, a pout forming once again.

“But-”

Jongin was cut off with a pair of lips on his own and a hand on his cheek. All impatience was forgotten as he lost himself, pulling Kyungsoo closer and closer until their chests were pressed firmly together, no room for doubt or fear, or anything but the two of them.

Kyungsoo mewled when Jongin deepened the kiss, his tongue gaining entrance and his hands sliding down Kyungsoo’s hips.

He pulled back for breath, only to lean down to nip at the soft, milky skin on Kyungsoo’s neck. He felt hands tighten in his hair and he pulled back, breathing loudly, his eyes meeting Kyungsoo’s, pleased when he observed that Kyungsoo looked dazed, his eyes falling half shut with lust and his lips trembling and red.

“I love you.” It was spoken in a breath that ghosted over Jongin’s cheeks but it felt like an earthquake with the way it shook his system.

He reconnected their lips urgently, the corners of his mouth tilted up in a wide grin that felt like it would never leave, that it would stay forever planted on his face, Kyungsoo’s words lingering with it.

Kyungsoo giggled at Jongin’s desperation and soon followed with the same urgency, hands grasping his shirt, threading though hair, lips exploring and biting with need and desire.

“Say it again.” Jongin breathed as Kyungsoo kissed down his jaw. “Please.” He realized how needy he sounded as he keened from Kyungsoo’s touches, but he couldn’t bring himself to care because he was needy. When it came to Kyungsoo he would never stop needing.

“I love you.”

Jongin lost himself in those words.

He hoped he would never be found again.

~~ /runs away forever

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