Jongin stumbled along after Kris, his eyes unfocused and his mind spinning.  He had thought about this day for a while, had thought about what it would be like if he ever met Kyungsoo again, if he would get a chance to explain, to try to make it right.

After Kyungsoo had disappeared from his life he had always entertained the idea that he would find Kyungsoo again, get him back, be happy. But he had never been able to find him. After a year when Jongin was at his unhappiest, drowning in an existence full of nothing else but dance he seemed to realize the severity of what he had done. No matter how skilled he became, how much his trainer praised him, how excited his parents were when he got into SM he simply didn’t feel anything.

It wasn’t hard for Jongin to figure out why. It was Kyungsoo, or rather a lack thereof.  Every time someone complimented him, patted him on the back, encouraged him, he found himself wishing it was Kyungsoo, desperate for his voice, his touch, his smile. Ever since the breakup Jongin had missed him but at that certain point in time he felt suffocated with longing.

And so he looked for him. He had known it wasn’t fair to Kyungsoo, knew that he couldn’t just shove him out of his life and then barge right back in when he needed him. But Jongin was selfish, always had been, so he showed up at his door and knocked, his breath hitching but a wide smile on his face in anticipation of finally seeing him again.

But when the door opened a stranger stood in front of him, saying that Kyungsoo and his family had moved about 3 months ago. Where, the stranger didn’t know.

After that Jongin realized Kyungsoo had moved on, both literally and figuratively. He was somewhere new, possibly with someone new and Jongin simply hoped that one day, when he debuted, Kyungsoo would see him on stage or on tv and he would smile, proud, maybe, that he had once dated Jongin, had once loved Jongin.

It was for this reason that Jongin tried to do the same: move on. He tried to normalize himself, to become the Jongin he was before, the one that danced because he wanted to, not because it was the only thing he had left in his life.

And now here he was, thinking that his feelings for Kyungsoo were gone; had been gone for a while, but realizing they weren’t. As he half-ran behind Kris he found himself overwhelmed with the desperation, the need to see those familiar wide eyes, the small smile, everything that was Kyungsoo, his Kyungsoo.

They reached the lobby quickly and Jongin strained his neck to see over the familiar faces of the other trainees and managers, looking for one face and one face only.

His heart stopped when he caught a glimpse of the recognizable brown hair but his vision was suddenly obstructed by Chanyeol who had come to stand directly in front of him.

Jongin took a step to the side but just as he did Kris stepped up next to Chanyeol, obstructing his view yet again. He cursed the two tall boys silently and was about to open his mouth to curse them loudly when the voice of his manager forced him to pause.

“Okay everyone these are the new trainees,” He said, his voice conveying fully his disinterest of the whole situation. “This is Suho,” He gestured to someone outside of Jongin’s line of sight. “D.O., Tao, and Luhan.” Jongin’s heart fell a little in the absence of Kyungsoo’s name and he was suddenly wondering if he had assumed wrong. The ache that this idea caused in his chest made his breath shaky as he exhaled, his emotions on a rollercoaster for the nth time that day.

 He went over the names in his head and suddenly realized that his manager must be using their stage names because Suho and D.O. seemed to be too odd to be their birth names.

“Alright introduce yourselves.” His manager said before turning on his heel and walking towards the elevator, obviously having better things to do with his time. “Oh!” He exclaimed right before he left, turning back to face all of them. “The room assignments have been tweaked a little due to the new trainees. Check here.” He said, placing a piece of paper onto the secretary’s desk and then stepping into the open elevator.

“Uh, well…” He heard Kris say in front of him after a few moments of silence when they were all left in the lobby, no managers in sight. “I’m Kris.” He leaned forward to bow and that was when Jongin saw him, standing a short distance away, eyes wide and cheeks a light color of red, looking overwhelmed at the amount of people he now had to meet.

Jongin unconsciously smiled, his stomach just about in his throat due to the butterflies fluttering about wildly. He didn’t look any different than Jongin remembered. He was still just as small, just as adorable, just as everything that made him Kyungsoo.

He felt afraid to move, afraid to draw Kyungsoo’s eyes, afraid for their eyes to meet, wondering what Kyungsoo’s reaction would be. Would he still be mad? Would he glare? Cry? Would he be happy? As desperate to see Jongin as Jongin was to see him?

The thoughts and questions tumbled around in Jongin’s head until Kris righted himself, blocking Jongin’s view once again.

He glanced to his left when he felt a presence and saw Yixing standing next to him.

“What do you think?” He asked, looking at Jongin expectantly.

“Huh?” Jongin replied, only half paying attention to his friend.

“They seem nice.” Yixing said,glancing at the group that was currently hidden from Jongin’s sight. “The tall one is kinda scary looking, pretty quiet too.”

“Mm.” Was all Jongin managed to say because at that moment Chanyeol bowed, introducing himself and leaving Jongin with a perfect view once again.

He felt as though he could stare at Kyugnsoo forever, simply re-familiarizing himself with each feature, each small detail that he had forgotten about.  How was it that he looked exactly the same and yet so different?

Jongin stepped around Yixing who was still talking and finally found himself in a spot with a perfect view. Kyungsoo had yet to see him and he felt his heartbeat accelerate in anticipation, his hand reaching up to fix his hair, to straighten his shirt, suddenly worrying if he was acceptable enough to be seen, worrying if he would be good enough.

He watched Kyungsoo give small smiles to everyone as they introduced themselves, laughing nervously every now and then. He was surprised at how annoyed he felt with the noise level in the room. He only wanted to hear Kyungsoo’s laugh and was strangely disappointed when it was drowned out by the other voices.

He heard Yixing speaking next to him and suddenly he was nudged in the side. “Introduce yourself.” Yixing whispered, giving Jongin a questioning look.

Jongin eyes immediately fell to the floor as he stepped forward slightly and bowed. “I’m Jongin. Um, Kai is my…uh, stage name but you can call me…Jongin.” He squeezed his eyes shut momentarily; hating that his voice had come out so shakily. He took a deep breath and straightened himself quickly, his eyes resting immediately on Kyungsoo’s which were staring back at him.

They looked…blank, Jongin noted. He saw no recognition in them, no spark, nothing. It was the same look he had been giving all the other trainees he had just met. It was one of unfamiliarity, as though he was just meeting Jongin. He even received the same small, nervous smile that all the others had.

“Kai?” He heard a voice speak and tore his eyes away from Kyungsoo to see the man standing next to him. “You must be the great dancer we’ve been hearing about.” He received a wide smile from the man, a smile so bright and warm that Jongin felt in any other situation he would have been warmed by it, comforted by it. But as he muttered a “yeah” in response he found he couldn’t even muster up a smile to return to the man; too confused and hurt to really focus on anything but the fact that it seemed as though Kyungsoo didn’t remember him. Of all the responses he had been expecting, emptiness was not one of them.

Was it even possible that Kyungsoo didn’t remember him? It had only been two years…

Jongin was once again snapped out of his thoughts when Yixing nudged him for a second time. “Should we check out the room situation?” He asked, nodding his head toward the piece of paper lying on the desk.

Jongin had been roomed with Yixing for as long as they had been trainees together and the worry that they might be separated was apparent in Yixing’s eyes.

“You okay?” His roommate asked, furrowing his brow when Jongin made no response. He was too busy staring after Kyungsoo who was huddled close to the man who had spoken to Jongin earlier, the one with the bright smile. Jongin didn’t miss the familiarity between the two, the way Kyungsoo leaned closer when the other said something, smiling in response.  He felt something inside of him clench, anger and sadness bubbling up and almost overwhelming him with their power.

“Nevermind, I’ll just go check really fast.” Yixing said, glancing at Jongin’s face one more time before he left, obviously confused by the other’s behavior.

Jongin stood dumbly where Yixing had left him, caught between the urge to go over to Kyungsoo and the fear that doing so would only confirm his fears: that he had indeed been forgotten.

“Bad news.” Yixing said, stepping up next to him, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as he looked at Jongin.

“Hm?” Jongin asked, confused by the statement.

“We got switched. I’m with Luhan and you’re with D.O.”

“Hm?” Jongin repeated, still confused. Was he talking about the rooming situation? “Oh, you mean we’re with other people now?”

“Yeah. I’m with Luhan,” he said again, pointing to a boy talking with Sehun, Chanyeol and Baekhyun. “You’re with D.O.” And then he pointed right at Kyungsoo.

As though he had heard, Kyungsoo’s head snapped up and his eyes met Jongin’s once more, widening when Jongin simply stared back, too confused to know what to feel.

Excited? He was going to be sharing a room with his ex. His ex that he was still in love with. His ex that he hadn’t seen in two years, that he hadn’t held in two years, touched, kissed, talked to.

Nervous? They were going to be in such close proximity with each other. Conversations were bound to be had, serious ones, relationship-defining ones.

But as Kyungsoo tore his eyes away from Jongin’s, his attention stolen by the smiling man who had put his hand on his shoulder, Jongin wondered if any of it mattered. If his excitement, his nervousness, mattered if Kyungsoo didn’t seem to remember him, didn’t seem to care about him the way Jongin did.

As he watched him walk away, the smiling man’s hand still on his shoulder, Jongin wondered if he wanted to be remembered. What would it even matter if it appeared that Kyungsoo had already moved on?

Jongin quickly wiped away the tear that had managed to escape as he turned around, walking hastily out of the lobby and away from the pain.