“Go help your sister gather herbs from the path down by the water.”

“She’s not a baby. Why can’t she do it herself?”

The young boy stared at the ground dejectedly and stuck out his bottom lip in an unhappy pout. He kicked the ground with his bare feet causing small clouds of sand to swirl through the air. His mother kneeled down in front of him, her deep blue skirt landing on the sand and surrounding the two like a cloud.  She pushed his black hair out of his dark eyes with careful fingers.

“Sweetie, your sister is only four years old; as her big brother it’s your job to protect her. You know that she needs to be watched.”

“I don’t want to…”

His mother brushed stray bits of sand off his chubby cheek.

“I know, honey. I know.” She sighed. “You can gather the herbs on your own if you want-”

“Yes!”

“-but I hope you know that your sister looks up to you. We only have each other here, our family. She thinks you are her best friend.”

The little boy visibly deflated, his ears burning in shame. He hated when his mother was disappointed in him, and she certainly sounded very disappointed. He figured that seven was way too old to still be hanging out with his little sister, but odd things did seem to happen when nobody was with her. Sometimes, late at night when his parents thought he was asleep, he could hear them talking about how worried they were. They never told him why they were so concerned about his sister, and he had always been too nervous to ask.

He gave his mother a hug with his short arms that were barely able reach all the way around her thin frame. “Okay, I’ll take her with me.”

“That’s my little man.”His mother smiled at him fondly and ruffled his hair before she walked back toward the house. Happy to have made his mother proud, the young boy ran to where his sister sat braiding flowers together in the grass a short distance away.

“Soojin, do you want to gather herbs with me?”

The small girl’s eyes lit up as she smiled brilliantly. She jumped up in excitement; her pink and yellow dress was covered in grass stains. “I made you a present because you’re my favorite brother!” she yelled as she placed the flower bracelet that she’d made on his wrist. He chuckled and pulled one of her pigtails playfully.

“Yah, that doesn’t count because I’m your only brother.”

She giggled. “Even if I had a thousand brothers, I would still love you the most, Seunghyun!”

Seunghyun woke up on the floor with a startled yelp. His limbs felt weighed down with lead and his movements were sluggish at best. His chest felt as if gravity had suddenly increased by a hundred fold.  He struggled to catch his breath as he panted harshly amongst the tangle of his sheets.  Sweat dripped off his skin. He shivered violently from the cold predawn air blowing off the sea and up through his window.

Brief flashes of his dream flickered through his mind like a candle flame. Whenever he tried to focus on a specific aspect of his dream it would disappear in a wisp of smoke until all he could remember about it was flowers. Lots and lots of flowers.

He ran a shaky hand through his hair and grimaced when it came away wet. Sighing, he stood and shuffled over to the bathroom to shower.

The steaming hot water didn’t help his aching muscles or the bleeding Jiyong shaped hole in his heart.

It wasn’t fair!

Why was he so torn up about a guy that he didn’t know? All the evidence pointed to Jiyong being nothing but a ridiculously attractive high end thief with a detrimental lack of appetite and a proclivity for being purposely vague.  Seunghyun had a million things to figure out that were more important than some jerk that insisted on keeping secrets and breaking his heart.

So why did it feel like his life wouldn’t mean anything without Jiyong?

Frustrated, he pulled on clean clothes and left his room. Trying not to wake anyone up, he went to the deck and then climbed up to the small landing that was on top of the control room. He’d never been in the room before; it was Taeyang’s territory. It didn’t really interest him since he didn’t know how to steer the ship and had no desire to learn. But the view from above the small room was absolutely breathtaking.

Seunghyun pulled his jacket tighter around himself and laid back to stare up at the stars. It wasn’t cold exactly, but the breeze was cool compared to the insufferable heat that would inevitably be permeating the air in a few hours. It was early enough that the sky was still dark, black just beginning to turn to purple on the horizon. The moon was just a sliver of silver light amongst millions of glittering stars.

Seunghyun suddenly felt sad. Well, no not sad- that didn’t seem like the right word at all. There was an overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness that didn’t make any sense, but he couldn’t fight it off. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something important, something vital was missing, like he shouldn’t be there staring at the stars alone. He could almost feel the ghost of a body beside him, but…there was nothing there.

Tears began to form in the corners of his eyes. He rolled over on to his side and pulled his legs up into the fetal position as he cried silently, holding back his sobs with a firm hand over his mouth.

Why did he stay on the ship? He could leave, should leave, but instead he put himself through misery for this, for nothing. It was just so ing stupid.

Instantly, he felt a pang of guilt for the bad language, even if it was just in his head. He wanted to laugh at the injustice of it. Why should he feel bad about swearing when Jiyong clearly hadn’t cared about breaking his heart? But that wasn’t entirely true either.

Jiyong had looked sad when he said they could only be friends. And that made it even worse.

Why did the Captain look almost broken when he’d said that? Why did Seunghyun feel so drawn to a man that he didn’t even know? He didn’t have any answers and it was infuriating to feel so much without having the smallest inclination as to why. It was like he didn’t have any control of himself at all. He didn’t want to like Jiyong, he didn’t want to feel like everyday because he couldn’t remember anything, and mostly, he didn’t want to be there anymore.

Resolve settled over him like a comforting blanket, quieting his tears until all that was left were his sore eyes and his sniffling nose.

He would leave.

As soon as they got the supplies from the naval ship, Seunghyun was going to stop torturing himself this way. He’d stay behind on the naval ship, hide somewhere until they reached Wando. Then he’d sneak off and find a hospital or the police or something. He’d take care of himself and he’d eventually forget all about these people.

An ache started deep in his chest but he ignored it unapologetically. His body was a traitor anyway.

“I’m sorry.”

Seunghyun jumped slightly, still laying curled up protectively on his side. He knew that voice, but he didn’t want to. He breathed slowly, quietly, hoping that the other person would assume he was asleep and just leave already.

“I know you’re awake; you were just crying a minute ago.”

Frowning indignantly, he huffed and rolled onto his back and resolutely kept his gaze on the sky. It was noticeably lighter than it had been, light purples and pinks bleeding out over the darkness. From the corner of his eye he could see Jiyong and something squeezed in his chest painfully. He looked awful, even worse than the last time Seunghyun had seen him.

He was sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms around his knees. His skin was pale, unnaturally, unhealthily so, even tinged pink in the light. There were dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn’t slept in weeks. His hair was a mess, and not the normal bed-head type of mess. It was just floppy and dull looking. Slight tremors shook through his small frame even though it wasn’t that cold and he had jacket around him still. Seunghyun wondered why he always wore it.

He had to fight the urge to offer his own jacket. Instead he clutched it tighter to himself and said, “You shouldn’t be out here. Seungri ordered bed rest.”

Jiyong snorted. “Is that your way of politely hinting for me to leave?”

“It’s your ship; do whatever you want.”

“Please don’t go…”

Seunghyun stopped in front of the ladder he’d walked to, the desperate tone of Jiyong’s voice gluing his feet in place. He shoved his hands in his pockets and refused to turn around. “Why shouldn’t I?”

Jiyong coughed violently. The sound was agonizing for Seunghyun to hear, this gasping, choking, grating sound that hurt his own throat just from listening. After a moment, it passed and he heard Jiyong groan and breath deeply. He turned. He knew he shouldn’t have, but as he’d already realized he had no real control over his own body, and the next thing he knew he was kneeling beside Jiyong. Rubbing soothing circles on his back.

Jiyong was clutching at his chest with his eyes screwed tightly shut. Worried that the coughing fit had ripped a stitch or something, Seunghyun pushed him on to his back and hastily began undoing the buttons of the jacket. It wasn’t until the jacket lay open and he’d managed to shove Jiyong’s grey t-shirt up to his neck that he realized what he was doing.

Seunghyun pulled back as if burned. Jiyong was staring at him, unblinking and still, and with a longing that set his very bones on fire. And Seunghyun couldn’t take it.

He just ing couldn’t.

He leaned down quickly and brushed his lips against Jiyong’s. A thrill shot through him like an electric current and he couldn’t get enough. He knew in that moment with one hundred percent certainty that no matter how much he got from Jiyong it would never be enough. He’d always want more, would always need more of him.

He’d expected to be pushed away, or even punched maybe, but he hadn’t expected Jiyong to react the way he did. The Captain gasped against his lips, a wounded sound, and then he was pulling Seunghyun closer. Crushing them together and devouring his mouth like Seunghyun was a buffet and he’d been starved for centuries. He pulled his bottom lip into his own mouth, and bit it hard enough to have Seunghyun’s pants tightening. Then he was pulling at Seunghyun dark hair, his tongue down his throat as if trying to pull them closer together through sheer suction. Seunghyun’s hands traveled of their own accord down Jiyong’s exposed chest, over his ribs which were painfully distinct and past the edge of a bandage.

Breathing heavily, Seunghyun ripped himself away.

What had he done?

He was so ing stupid! His worried gaze took in the obviously unhealthy pallor of Jiyong’s skin, the dark circles under his eyes, the protruding ribs, and the bandage that was stained with fresh blood. Jiyong’s skin was burning up like an inferno.

A wave of nausea rolled though his stomach and he had to hold a hand over his mouth not to gag.

It was clear now, ridiculously so, that Jiyong was sick. Why hadn’t Seungri said anything? No wonder the Captain always wore that heavy coat. He had a ing fever! No wonder he didn’t eat anything. He was ill!

Seunghyun felt like the lowest kind of bastard to ever exist. Jiyong had asked him—no, he’d made him promise that they’d just be friends. And Seunghyun had completely ignored that and done whatever he damn well pleased. At the time he might not have realized it, but now it was obvious that Jiyong was probably delusional or hallucinating. With a fever like that, at the very least he wasn’t in control of his actions. Seunghyun had practically forced himself on the Captain. A fresh wave of nausea slapped him in the face harshly, bile rising in the back of his throat.

“Oh God. Ji- I’m sorry. So sorry. Let me go get Seungri-” He tried to stand up, but Jiyong gripped his pant leg tightly, a sad smile on his face.

“I don’t blame you, Seunghyun. I should have known that it was going to happen. I did know. P-please don’t leave me again.” Jiyong shivered violently and Seunghyun realized he’d left Jiyong’s shirt up and his jacket open. Such a ing idiot.

He carefully pulled the Captain’s clothes back into place, hoping that he didn’t make his injury any worse in the process. He really should have gone to get Seungri already.

Jiyong caught his hand in his own impossibly hot grasp as Seunghyun did up the top button. He held it tightly, so tightly that it actually hurt, but Seunghyun didn’t pull away. Jiyong grazed his lips over Seunghyun’s knuckles, and he had to repress a shudder at the sensation of the cool breath brushing over his heated skin. The Captain’s chocolate colored eyes gazed up at him adoringly, cloudy and slightly unfocused, but adoringly all the same.

“Don’t leave me again. I don’t know how to live without you,” Jiyong whispered, his eyelids fluttering shut as he fought a losing battle against sleep.

Seunghyun felt like crying again, but he couldn’t focus on the hows or whys. Jiyong looked at him like he was a ghost, and the rational part of Seunghyun’s brain knew that Jiyong wasn’t really talking to him. It was just the fever. That broke his heart all over again.

He brushed a hand through Jiyong’s hair, his eyes already closed and his breathing becoming distressingly shallow. He clutched at his hand desperately. “Never.”