Warning: 'Kind of' rated scene. you don't have to kill me. (o.o)v

School isn’t getting any different.

Well, nothing is different at all.

Which means something is definitely cooking up beneath the silence.

My classes went on fluidly. No distractions, most definitely no sabotage. I don’t know whether to relax or be on guard.

Thankfully, all is going by in peace and the rest of the day, if I may say, has been definitely silent.

What makes me even more uneasy is not because of the obvious things that are going on because most of it is just everyday normal stuff I see. What I’m worried about is what I can not.

And before I could ponder more on why that is so, I feel a soft tap on my shoulder followed by a pinching voice that sounded eerily familiar

“Uhm, hi…” As he trails off, I turn around fully to observe, a man, fairly good-looking, almost the same height as mine although he might just pass on as a girl. He is holding his head down in what I figure is being reticent, which for me made him look quite adorable whilst wearing the quiet gesture.

Seconds more and I decide maybe I already studied him enough. “Did you need something?”

He looks up at the sound of my voice with what I now see are pretty brown eyes that looked apologetic and…guilty, like I’m a teacher about to punish him for admitting a mistake.

“I’m sorry, I just want to know how you’ve been and if you’re feeling alright now. You don’t really know me so…Ah! My name is Ryeowook, you’ve probably seen me together with…Yu…Yunho and…Heechul? The uh…you know…well, what I’m saying…”

He bows his head again this time, bits of his explanations actually processing in my mind, and his voice is suddenly ringing in a blur through my head when by the time it’s gone, things just clicked.

“I think we better not do this Kangin, he’s hurt bad enough.”That tiny voice was his as I recalled.

I’m not sure on what it is I should be feeling, what it is I should be thinking about, but Ryeowook doesn’t seem like a violent guy. From how he looks right now, I don’t even think he could swap a fly or anything living. One question is simply how he got himself in a crowd that runs with the likes of…Heechul.

Instantly I just forgave him though he did nothing at all – which also is the fault but I let it slide – who’s he to face Yunho and Kangin combined anyway right? Not to mention Heechul.

I nod and raise a hand to show him I understand what he’s trying to say.

“Don’t worry about it. I try to cope up as long as I can, right?”

I smile sincerely to show him I really don’t hold anything against him or anything, but that just seemed to trigger tears to fall from his eyes as he struggled to form anything close to coherent in the language.

I flail my arms around unable to think of a way or anything to say to make him stop or at least make him feel a little less guilty; such a sensitive person.

I sigh appreciatively and pat his head. “You know it isn’t really anyone’s fault you know. You just happened to get yourself stuck in a situation where you can’t do anything but watch. Don’t bury yourself in something so trivial.”

And it ended with me and Ryeowook practically bonding all morning; pretty thankful for his apology and a lot more pleased when I found out bits and bits of how Heechul has been and what he’s been up to, luckily nothing seriously fatal to me or anyone.

So there goes by the rest of the afternoon with me being as solemn as a monk, the pain in my gut still crawling to my chest when I walk but nothing a little exercise can’t fix. So I decide to add to my current solemnity and strode towards the supposedly empty choral room to play something soothing. Imagine my surprise when I saw the last person I would have expected, staring at the keys blankly, deep in thought, eyebrows creased in an angle that spells out irrational thoughts and frustration.

He snorts when he hears my first step and I figured he already knows who’s in even when his gaze is still transfixed on the silence of the notes. I cannot help but smile. It’s been so long since such peace decided to visit and fill us with this entirely reminiscent aura.

We go on without words for a couple of needed breaths and I was getting pretty tired of standing since being bored is definitely considered as this at the moment.

Okay…

I’m ruining the whole ‘Heechul and I-mysterious-lovey-dovey-silent moment but we’re not some sloppy love drama or…yea that.

“What is your problem? Listen to yourself, you sound ridiculous.”

Somehow, this is the result of that untimely peace.

“Oh am I? As ridiculous as you were when you were shamelessly making out with Ryeowook this morning? He never told me he was interested, with you of all people…” His laugh is painted with sarcasm and I don’t even know…heck I have NO idea what he’s talking about.

“Heechul, will you calm down and tell what ‘making out with Ryeowook this morning’ meant because I’m this close to labeling you insane.” I pinch up little gestures of patience mirroring just enough sarcasm he had with his accusations.

He doesn’t answer, that fact surprising me making all the cockiness just evaporate. The silence allowing me to finally think about what we are really talking about and what his actual problem is sets a light smirk on my lips.

“Oh…Were you jealous?”

I see his body twitch. I burst out in a grin.

Ha! Gotcha

“You stuck-up !”

Oh that is so highschool.

“Oaww…don’t worry I’m not really into the shy type.” I continue to into oblivion, it’s just too fun.

Then he walks away.

“Hey I was just teasing!”

He doesn’t acknowledge my plea and proceeds on faster this time.

“Heechul!” Desperate, I run after him and grab onto anything that will hold him still.

“I’ll stop, okay? Sorry! But really, your friend was just apologizing.”

He looks at me incredulously. “I don’t care. Let go.”

“Why do you insist on being so stubborn when you could just tell me what your problem is so I could do something about it?”

Just then his expression changed from annoyed to completely fuming, I had to step back a few just to keep myself intact.

“You, you don’t know what its like. What it’s like to wake up everyday terrified because…you don’t know what to do with yourself. You see it don’t you? I keep on pushing you away at the moment when all I want is to pull you back. I can’t explain myself to anyone, it’s just the way I am and…I try so hard to keep myself wanting one thing at a time but I just can’t because…”

My attention stays with him entirely, not quite grasping everything he’s saying. What is it he’s trying to tell me?

“C’mon, this is why I don’t bother telling you anything. Hankyung, I’m…well…”

Time together with him has never been this awkward even in the years he’s been tormenting me with all he’s got. And figuring the mood has been down long enough, I decide to lighten it up a little, mistakenly.

I chuckle.

“Like I don’t already feel frustrated with you at the moment, I think I can take whatever you’re trying to say.”

“Hankyung!”

“Right, being serious.”

“You-! Forget it.”

I run towards him to catch up and get his hot head to recognize it was a joke, a joke! Sheesus.

“Heechul!”

Damn does he run fast.

I was nearly catching up to him when almost immediately I stoned when he turned and struck me with those eyes that seem to reflect all he’s suffered, everything he’s been through and at the same time a faceful of hatred, seemingly disgusted by himself and really, I can’t grasp the reasons why.                                  But there’s something in those eyes that also seemed to gleam expectation; hope. Is he expecting me to run over? What should I do?

And then he’s turning around that split second and walks away. Maybe for long, maybe forever…

It took a second for me to think about what I really want to do, another second for me to decide to run, and a second more to actually do it.

And within those seconds I’ve made the easiest decisions in my life, then at the same time most difficult, and as I reach out to grab his hand I figured I’ll never stop chasing him even if he runs away again – for months or years…even an eternity. It’s just always been that way for me, and I don’t hate it.

“You keep running away like that and I swear I’m going to tie you down and lock you up.”

He struggles in my grip but I held him still.

“Stop it. Stop it. Listen to me for once.”

I his hand in an attempt to calm him down, something that usually works with him in the past.

“Heechul…don’t run from me.”

Tell me the truth

At this moment it seems that I have less and less control of my body.

I’m going to get you back

I don’t think about how we ended up in this situation, much less in this situation.

But you never came after me

I don’t think about the complexity, not the fact that I have a sparkling reputation of being a man and this proves otherwise.

No other explanations; just Heechul.

All this time I was trying to resist it but having him this close to me, just too close, I can’t bring myself to stop. My hands are roaming, touching and tugging at the thin lines of fabric covering his body and my mind is just screaming for more, more touch, more of Heechul.

What frustrates me even more is why he isn’t trying to resist, I need him to resist or else I might not be able to control what little of my resolve is left. Just looking at him right now…now after so long, I just need to feel.

“Heechul…” I say his name again, breathy than the first as I trail the back of my hand onto one side of his cheek. And he just stands there, giving me reactions I wish he wouldn’t, and yet again I wish he’d do more. I’m scared of what might become of us if ever I continue what I am doing, what I we are doing, surely I didn’t want to permanently cut each other’s existence in our lives. Whatever I’m doing, I need to stop.

I cannot.

Suddenly having this strong sense of desire, I pull him closer, even if there was no other space left to move, I did. Meeting his eyes, looking in deeply, searching for any doubt he might have, any sign of disgust enough for me to be able to pull away. Instead he grabs a fist full of my hair at the back of my neck and pulls me into a rough kiss. I respond almost immediately as I felt those thin fingers tangle around my dark locks, my resolve completely gone down in the gutter, and I felt fear slowly crawling up behind my hunger for every touch, every roll of his tongue with mine, I fear for all this to disappear the moment I let him loose.

And with that thought, I pull him closer against me, kissing him deeper, the lack of air for both of us seeming distant in my current state of mind as I only want him so stay with me. He doesn’t seem to mind for when I pulled him closer, his arms came wrapping around my back, clawing as he saw fit. I don’t think I’d be able to stop at this point, not now.

I feel both the heat of our raging bodies being unbearable, and the desire to touch skin is slowly becoming a necessity. He seems to agree no less as he starts to tug onto the side of my shirt, his hand slowly and dangerously skimming up my stomach and up to my chest having me moan in his mouth, the vibrations seem to send him shivers and I take advantage of his momentary distraction to pull away slightly and yank his shirt up removing it finally, then we get back to kissing, one of his legs clutch around my hip pulling us again closer together.

His breath comes in harsh as I move down to skim down his neck, leaving a mark he would definitely find there for a few days and I secretly wish it won’t ever fade. He bucks his hips with the most curve of his back and I manage to stop the urge to claim him that very second. Not that it mattered. The hard friction he caused made it almost painful for me, and that including one of the other reasons.

There underneath all that’s happening is the silence in my head, and the whispers, suddenly, bringing me into more of a debate.

But I loose my mind after a time as I was able to grip one of his wrists to yank him down and off me. He falls on to the carpeted floor with a thump and I dump my weight on him and straddle his hips making sure there is no room for him to move. Having both his wrists held tightly by one of my hands, I start to kiss down from the side of his lips, to his jaw, neck, and chest like freaking royalty, something he seems to like. Finding one of his s, I let my tongue slide up, making it hard as I on it and gripping it with my teeth. His response was hunger, writhing beneath me, and begging to be touched but I’m not about to let him have his way with me, not this time.

I smirk with what plenty amusement I found with just his upper body and I can’t wait to taste more. It feels so good to take control, to take control and make him plead. Make him beg for me.

And I realize that is something I’ve been longing for since the time we’ve been apart.

Why am I doing this?

What am I doing?

Somehow now I’m questioning – most likely contradicting – myself in so many conflicting ways.

I run my hand on the inside of his thigh, dangerously close and he tries to buck his hips, desperate for that touch but my knees keep him in place, holds him down. He groans as he tries to console to me again.

I want to hear you long for me

His words consequently coming out as loud breathy pants, still trying to yank himself out of my grip;

His whimpers were loud as I continued to tease and his moans vibrated through my body going straight to where I didn’t want it to be – mostly.

Within seconds, I was able to let him off with what’s left of his clothing and mine.

And that is when the world disappeared, leaving us struggling in our own.

Minutes after, we are catching our breaths. Our bodies limp and tired, his weight over mine while savoring the feel of warmth from his skin.

Still I can’t find the right words, the suitable reasons…and all other explanations as to why.

Why indeed?

But as Heechul moves near to rest his head beside mine, his long arms reaching towards me in a most affectionate embrace, I start to consider the possibility that this may need no logical reason, none at all.

“Hankyung…”

And his voice, most endearing, is starting to make me believe it so.

“Will you be here when I wake up?”

I consider it for a moment.

Whatever plans I may have had running in my head, whether to flee while Heechul is asleep or some other things, I find that I can’t really bring myself to leave, or can’t help for us to be separated again. Not again.

And when, once again, I figured I had found the right answer, I let my arms wrap protectively over him, his gold locks as I lean in soft whispers, my answers.

“I will.”

I promise, I will

But we are still not some sloppy old love drama.

A/N: It's long because I owe you guys a lot <3 I hope you find the meaning in this. Repression ends in the next chapter..