Some time turns into weeks, months, years. And what Jonghyun initially thought as a gift from god turns out to be a curse in disguise. Because staying together as five in the dorms means Jinki’s avoidance is rubbed into his face a thousand times over, and Jonghyun has taken to staying in his room so as to spare himself the heartbreak that is Jinki’s eyes sliding away from his when they meet.

Jonghyun allows the situation to continue unresolved, to fester and rot like an open wound. Because he doesn’t want to pressure Jinki into a rushed answer. Because he is afraid of the answer he would get.

Jonghyun is a coward like that.

It comes to a head when Minho finally puts his foot down and explodes (Minho, not Kibum. Because Minho is the one who has to live through being the poster boy of awkwardness the first few years. And he treasures the easy camaraderie the five has—had—more so than anyone else).

“Stop it,” Minho says in a strange voice, all strained and unnatural, “The two of you—it has been a year and it’s time to sort it out. We can’t go on like this forever.”

The clatter of chopsticks on ceramics stops and everyone stills. Taemin looks up like a dear caught in headlights and Kibum freezes. No one is prepared for this sudden outburst, and no one is prepared to deal with such a sudden ambush in the middle of dinner, much less the two parties in question.

Jonghyun allows the aloof expression he has gotten into the habit of putting on whenever Jinki is around to fall from his face for once. Just like Minho said, it has been a long time (although it isn’t a year, Jonghyun would know. He confessed on their fourth anniversary and their fifth anniversary is just about rolling round the corner, but it’s not there yet. Still not there) and he wishes for something, anything form Jinki. Jonghyun stares straight at Jinki with a tinge of desperation, heart all tied up in knots with the constant torture, wishing for an answer to his confession, yet at the same time, hoping Jinki would maintain his tight-lipped stance.

Because while Jonghyun may be no expert in romance, he knows for sure that such a long deliberation period over a confession doesn’t usually end well. And even though it feels as if his heart is being stabbed by a thousand tiny needles each day, even though it feels as if his heart is being torn apart and shredded each day, there is still a silver of hope within Jonghyun, that just perhaps, just perhaps Jinki may say yes. And small as it may be, it has been what’s giving Jonghyun the energy to function each day.

It’s his last life. There would be no second chance.

Jinki avoids his gaze with cruel practiced ease and Jonghyun feels the sullen heartburn flaring. There would be nothing for him today, and there’s probably nothing for him tomorrow as well. Tears pricked the corner of Jonghyun’s eyes, but he blinks them away with an ease that matches Jinki’s. This game that they have been playing at, they are starting to get good at it.

Minho watches all this with pressed lips. Jonghyun staring, Jinki avoiding and Jonghyun blinking. He wants an end to it all.

Suddenly, he stands up and grabs Jonghyun who is seated just beside him by the arm. Roughly dragging Jonghyun as he moves across the table, Minho latches a similar iron grip on Jinki, forcefully pulling him up. Jonghyun tries to protest at the disrespectful way he is being manhandled, but can’t find the spirit in him to truly resist, settling for half-hearted punches to the shoulders. Jinki simply quietly follows along.

Without so much as an explanation, the two are pushed into Jonghyun’s bedroom. A loud bang sounds and a decisive clack issues from the door as Minho wordlessly locks them in.

Jonghyun looks at the lampshade on his desk (a safer object to place his gaze upon than Jinki) and focuses upon it. Nonetheless, he can still see Jinki stepping away from him, towards the electric piano from the corner of his eyes and a sort of bitter smile forms on his lips.

“Do you hate me this much?” Jonghyun feels as if the words are being ripped out of his throat, because it is one thing to think them, and another thing altogether to say them out loud. There is something about sounds and voices that make an opinion seem so much more real, and Jonghyun wants no part of that.

Jinki remains silent although his eyes briefly flit up to Jonghyun’s figure. Jonghyun morbidly observes how even when he looks at something else, his body and his mind just can’t seem to help but to unconsciously note all of Jinki’s movements. It is all kinds of cruel, this reflex action.

The silence that elapses is one that seems to seep into the air, pregnant with despair and heavy with unsaid thoughts. Jonghyun can feel it settling like a thick layer of distilled hopelessness and desperation over his body, dragging down his limbs and smothering his head. It threatens to overwhelm him and amplifies all the negativity within him. All of a sudden, Jonghyun wants nothing more than to shatter this quietness.

And so he resorts to the one thing that his life has always been revolving around, he resorts to the one thought that has occupied his entire soul, spanning across universe, spanning across lives, spanning across all boundaries humans thought impossible to cross, because that is just the very nature of his love.

“I love you,” Jonghyun says, loving.

“I love you,” Jonghyun says, sincere.

“I love you,” Jonghyun says, earnest.

“I love you,” Jonghyun says, pleading.

“I love you,” Jonghyun says, desperate.

Jonghyun repeats the three words like a mantra, hoping against all hopes that it would be sufficient to convey what he feels even though he knows it is not possible. Because what he feels for Jinki is not something that can be easily encapsulated by the human language, what he feels for Jinki is something far above and beyond that, something visceral, something instinctive, something that fills up the very core of his soul and defines him as his own person.

Jonghyun repeats the three words as he approaches Jinki. Jinki backs away, shaking his head. Something in Jonghyun’s heart breaks at the sight before him, but he doesn’t stop, is too late to stop. Because this is his last battle, his last fight, his last confession. And he is not going to stop till it finally comes to a resolution.

The room is small, and Jinki soon finds himself backing into the piano. He looks about, eyes slightly wild at the edges. But Jonghyun continues to move forward till Jinki finds himself trapped between the piano and Jonghyun, the three words being uttered into his ears like a precious prayer.

Jinki looks left and right, down and up, and therein lies the mistake. Because when he looks up, Jinki locks gaze with Jonghyun, and all of a sudden, Jinki forgets to breath. The massive…love that swims in the oceans of the brown irises causes Jinki to feel as if he is drowning, but it is not a bad sort of drowning, because it feels oddly warm and reassuring.

And Jinki allows himself to be drawn deeper and deeper into these seas, until their faces are only inches apart and he can feel Jonghyun’s breaths on his cheeks. And all of a sudden, he remembers himself, and he remembers the reasons. Jinki places a hand on Jonghyun’s chest, eyes begging, “Don’t.”

Jonghyun closes his eyes and when he opens them, it is filled with so much hurt that it pains Jinki just to look at them. Jinki holds up his hands to cradle Jonghyun’s face in them as tears gather in the corner of his eyes. Except that this time round, when Jonghyun blinks, it flows freely down his cheeks instead of disappearing back into the depths of his heart.

“Just let me love you once,” Jonghyun whispers brokenly.

And Jinki wonders if there is anyone else who looks so much like a tragic angel as Jonghyun does now. And his heart throbs with pain, because this beautiful, lovely creature before him doesn’t deserve this. He has done no crime except for loving the wrong person, and something in Jinki cracks from the guilt.

“Please,” Jonghyun’s hands are now clutching at Jinki’s, crushing them with his frightening strength, “Just once.”

And Jinki tilts his head forward and closes the gap between the two. It is all teary and painful and heartwrenching; it is a kiss that is laced with sorrow and coloured with desperation. It is the kiss Jonghyun has been working towards all seven lives, but it is also a kiss that is different from what he expects.

And Jinki begins crying sometime in the middle of the kiss, Jonghyun is sure. Because when they break apart, the same wet tracks line his cheeks and red eyes meets Jonghyun’s. Jonghyun wipes a tender thumb across Jinki’s eyes, retreating at the same time. This is not what he wants; this is not how it should end.

If it really brings Jinki that much pain, this love of his should not exist.

But Jinki stops him, breaking apart into a blubbering mess. “I—I am so confused. I don’t know what to do,” he clings onto Jonghyun’s shoulders, eyes clearly frightened, “We are idols, and we are guys.”

Jonghyun pulls Jinki into a hug and rubs reassuring circles on his backs, uncomprehending and confused, but still wanting to protect this precious love of his.

“You don’t get it, you don’t get it,” Jinki pauses and clutches tighter onto Jonghyun, “This will destroy everything. The media will eat us alive.”

Jonghyun pulls back slightly to look at Jinki. He is starting to have an inkling what this is all about.

“There are so many repercussions to consider, and this will destroy everything we have worked for. It will destroy them,” Jinki gestures weakly to the door, head shaking as he continues, “Taemin is finally getting the spotlight he deserves. And Minho is getting more lovecalls for CFs. Kibum is finally opening up to me—and. And I can’t do this to them…”

“We can’t do this to them.” Jinki ends off resolutely and a hint of steel enters his eyes. And Jonghyun marvels in the capacity of the man before him to love. Because even in times like this, he places the happiness of others above his, heedless of what it may cost him.

Jonghyun gathers Jinki into his arms again. “I love you,” he says and he can feel Jinki struggling his arms, about to speak, before he cuts him off with his next few words, “But I love them too. We can make this work.” Jonghyun speaks with utter conviction.

“Things aren’t as easy as they seem, Jonghyun,” Jinki whispers softly.

And the words weight in the air between them, heavy and unforgiving. It’s an indisputable truth; an undeniable truth of this hypocritical world. Backlash would nearly be guaranteed should this get out, and the force of it may just tear the band apart. It would be an ugly affair, a judgmental one with the judges being ill-qualified and tainted with ignorance.

The world itself would shudder. Jonghyun, Jinki, Kibum, Taemin and Minho. Everyone close to them would be placed under pressure like glass in a furnace, heated and hammered till they give up their integrity and cede to the harshness of the world.

But Jonghyun knows that there are things greater than all this and he knows that everything will work out when he is with Jinki.

Because it doesn’t matter the monster he has to face, as long as Jinki is alongside him.

“Things worth having never are,” Jonghyun pauses. He stops and starts again, “And it will be fine, I know it.”

Jinki stares deep into his eyes, as if judging the sincerity of his words. And what he sees in them must be only genuineness, for Jinki closes the gap yet again, the airspace between the two dwindling as they meet like two pieces of a puzzle fitting seamlessly together.

This time round, it is everything he has dreamed it to be. It is everything he has wanted it to be.

Jonghyun smiles as he feels the 3 words he has been saying in his heart every moment of the day being mouthed against his lips.

I love you.

-

Everything would be alright. Somewhow.

It's done, my lovelies! It's finally done! The conclusion to this year-long saga (extreme exaggeration here, but bear with me) has been completed; I feel so accomplished haha.

I hope the ending hasn't let you down :)