~ 23 ~

Khun as soon as he saw me, he got up and came closer. He looked really upset and tired. How long has he been waiting here? Is he so stubborn and depressed to bear this heat? Though it was just spring it was hot like crazy! I looked at his whole sweaty t-shirt and I wondered what his intensions of coming here were?

“Woo, we need to talk. . .” he started but I had no patience and strength so I wanted to end this as fast as possible.

“Khun, you needn’t have come here to explain anything. I know what your true feelings are so you don’t have to worry if I misunderstood something” I said straightforward. I didn’t mean to be harsh on him. I would never behave like that towards Khun. I just wanted to make things clear as I saw him quite awkward with this whole situation.

“I don’t think you know actually know my true feelings, Woo. . .” he turned a bit embarrassed. Was he gonna confess he doesn’t like me that way now? I really wanted to avoid that. I wanted to avoid this conversation for a long time.

“I think I have no strength to continue this whole thing, Khun” I think it’s the best solution to end our problems – we just need a break up. I don’t mean a break up as friends. I just want to be only friends. I don’t want to keep on being his fake boyfriend since it made me quite uncomfortable, especially now when I developed my feelings towards him.

“What do you mean?” he now got a bit worried and confused at a time.

“I don’t want to be your fake boyfriend anymore, it makes me feel uncomfortable”

He got in a deep thought for a while and didn’t say a word. I think it passed about 5 minutes until he finally spoken to me.

“Am I a burden to you Woo?” he said with again the softest he could. His question seemed very how to say that…serious. He had this expression like everything’s gonna depend on my answer. I was speechless. I had no words in my brain. Nothing came to my mouth, it was completely blank. Khun was definitely impatient with me as he continued to ask questions, which by the way where also as hard to answer as the previous one.

“Is being near me makes you feel uncomfortable? You don’t feel the same thing as I feel towards you?” – To this question I knew the right answer.

“No” I just mumbled. Since my feelings weren’t the same as his, I was sure what word should I say. There’s no way Nichkhun would return my feelings, he wasn’t this type of person. I know him for a long while now, I would certainly notice if something like this was going on with him.

Khun once again went silent for I don’t even know much time. I know I must’ve shocked him. He’s probably disgusted with me now. Not surprising. What kind of friend whom you thought of was straight most of the time, suddenly confesses to you that he loves you? Or maybe he thinks I don’t like him anymore? If that’s the case I have to ensure him that’s not true.

“Khun, you have to know that I didn’t stop to like you. . .” wait. But if he’s not thinking like that and I made a complete jerk of myself just now?

“So in this situation, I think we can’t be friends anymore, huh?” he asked out of the blue after a long silence. I saw his tear drop flawing slowly on his face.

“If that’s what you want…” I answered though I wasn’t ok with that. I’m losing a dearest friend now, how could I be fine? But since I love Khun and all I want is him to be happy I had to let him go.

“Can you do me one last favor? His eyes were full of tears now just as mine.

“Of course” I answered him not hesitating at all.

“Could you now please , try to recall you childhood? You promised to tell me long time ago”

Gosh, why did he still insist on this one? Even If I wish I could tell him, I can’t. There’s no childhood memory in my head and I really doubt they will ever come back.

“I’m sorry Khun but…I still don’t remember a thing, I’m truly sorry” that’s all I could say. He looked really disappointed. It was the last thing he wanted from me and I wasn’t able to give it to him.

“It’s ok, Woo…it’s ok. . .” he said and then just turned around and left. I was watching him putting another step as he was walking back slowly. So I suppose, it’s really over. I didn’t even realize when I burst into tears but hold them inside in order to not getting exposed by Khun. It was too hard. My face was already fully wet and probably red as hell. I just sat there in front of my front door crying. I couldn’t believe all of that was happening for real. I just wanted someone to finally wake me up from this going on nightmare. I wanted everything to be back as it was. I wanted to punish myself for having those stupid feeling about Khun, my best friends whom I thought would be always beside me. Who would wait and cheer me on once I pass to get into Seoul University…but now, it was all gone. My best friend from now on would be just a classmate for me. No lunch together, no sitting on the roof together. Now he’s just gonna be like anybody else…and the problem is… that he will never me anybody else to me…

…………………………………..

I think now after a week of staying at home and desperately trying to settle down my feelings in order to control them in front of Nichkhun , I’m finally ready to step into my new life. Those past days were the most horrible I’ve ever had. Arguing with mother over little things, having father telling you advices non-stop were the things easy to handle. The worst issue I had was I. No matter how much I tried not to think of Khun, I couldn’t make myself forget. Wherever I looked the only thing I saw was him. To make it easier I even took off my bracelet..the one I always had on since Christmas…

I can’t even recall how many times I cried at nights during this week. Not only had I just lost the person I truly loved, now I also lost my beloved friend whom I considered like a brother. Those thoughts of not having him around anymore made my tears burst without control. The reason I spent most of the time in my room was because I barely looked like human. No matter how much my mom nagged, I wouldn’t leave the place. I couldn’t let her see in what condition I was. Me hurting was enough, I didn’t want to make her hurt too.

Once I got to school it felt like a first day again. I felt like I have to begin everything from the beginning. I was both nervous and afraid. I had to go through this school for 3 more months. It felt like forever. The first thing I needed now was a person who could help me in this hard situation and the only one who popped into my head was Chan.

I looked for him everywhere but he was nowhere to be found. It was only about 5 minutes until the class starts and I didn’t wanted to go there alone. I know he didn’t even attend the same class but he was always willing to me. Unfortunately the bell rang and I had to head to class alone. Al soon as I got there the teacher ordered me to take a seat quickly so he could finally begin his lesson. I didn’t even have time to greet everyone. I just sat at my regular sea trying to avoid seeing the one right next to the window. The lesson was boring as hell, nothing new actually, his classes were always boring. I tried my best not to fall asleep but it didn’t really work. I needed to find myself a thing to do. I decided to just look around the class, see if anything changed. I noticed the teacher’s desk, which was always a mess, now unexpectedly clean today. I moved my sight to my classmates to each of them until it stopped right at the desk next to me. The owner of it was absent. It felt quite weird, he has never skipped school, except for this one time, when I overslept on the roof. Something wasn’t right; does he also need to time to settle his feelings before seeing me again?

Once the bell rang I immediately rushed to leave the room. I thought that seeing Nichkhun at school would be hard but not seeing him at all here is even worse. I needed to find out what happened to him in order to concentrate on the next lessons. As soon I left the class, I saw Chansung already waiting outside. Finally someone, whom I can ask about this matter.

“Wooyoung! You’re finally back!” Chan practically jumped on me and hugged me with his whole strength.

“Ummmmmmmm, yeah I’m….b-b-back” I tried to get out of his embrace but he was so damn strong!

“Sorry, Woodonga. Are you ok now?”

“I’m fine”

“I thought you would come back upset thought…” he mumbled but I wasn’t sure what did he mean by that.

“What? You don’t know?” he said after seeing by slightly confused face.

“Know what? By the way, Chan. Do you know where Khun is?” I tried to find out this information from Chan since he always knows what’s going on in school.

“I assume you really don’t know…” he looked worried. About me, I think I knew what was going on…and honestly, don’t want this to be true…

“Khun is gone, Woo. He left the country…”