Kyuhyun groaned as he returned back to the dorms after a schedule. His body had been aching, and that wasn't just because of the practice he had been doing in the training room. Kyuhyun was the first to enter the dorm on the lower floor, dropping his phone on the counter near the kitchen after taking off his shoes. Kyuhyun bit his quivering lip to silence another groan, his entire body was stinging. He grabbed the wall, feeling himself limp. Sungmin stood behind the maknae.

"Are you alright?" Sungmin asked, Kyuhyun froze instantly. Without even thinking, the mask which Kyuhyun wore appeared once again on the maknae's face. Kyuhyun turned to his hyung and smiled.

"Fine." Kyuhyun grinned with his usual, childish innocence. His body began to shake, those words and his actions, it took up most of his energy. Kyuhyun's grip on the corner of the wall increased, knuckles turning white. Sungmin knew that something was wrong, but he wasn't sure what. Kyuhyun always had an air of mystery, as if he were hiding something, but Sungmin never dared to question it.

"Sure? You look a little pale." Sungmin commented, Kyuhyun simply smiled and rolled his eyes.

"Hyung, I'm always pale. You're just seeing things." Kyuhyun retorted, trying desperately to make his voice sound how it usually did. Or, at least, how it usually was in front of others.

"If you say so." Sungmin muttered, still suspicious. Kyuhyun let go of the wall and walked forward, feeling a strong pain on the side of his body. He turned back to the other Super Junior members who were starting to enter.

"I-I'm going to go to sleep, alright? My head hurts really badly." Kyuhyun said, ruffling his own hair as he paced himself a little quicker after turning back to see the door of his room.

"Okay, tell us if you need anything." Someone spoke, but Kyuhyun didn't know who it was. The only thing he was able to hear clearly was the sound of his own, heavy heartbeat.

"Thanks." Kyuhyun said in a faint voice. Once he reached the doorknob, the maknae literally threw himself inside the room and slammed the door shut. Kyuhyun didn't wait to reach the bed, he laid on the ground as fast as he could, all energy drained from his legs. He placed a hand over his mouth, attempting to mute a moan of pain. Tears slowly welled up in his eyes.

Perhaps, he had taken in too far.

Kyuhyun breathed heavily, each one of his breaths strained and hoarse. Everything was aching, fading into an excessive numbness. He had pushed himself too far once again, even though the doctor had advised Kyuhyun the day before to just 'take it easy'. Yet, he still wanted to work as hard as all the other Super Junior members. He didn't want to be the only one who wasn't able to try their best, even if it meant having to hurt. Kyuhyun's hands shook as he lifted them, hands running off the mutated areas of his flesh on top of his shirt. Kyuhyun's eyes frosted over with a dull colour as a tear rolled off the maknae's cheek. It felt disgusting. Even if his hands were actually touching his skin, and even though he couldn't see anything, Kyuhyun knew well enough. His body wasn't 'normal'.

With a painful sigh, Kyuhyun removed the shirt from his body and allowed it to pulse. After sitting up, the maknae laid back down once again. The cool air was causing the scars on his body to burn, not being able to move his body. Kyuhyun simply laid there on the floor, turning his head to the side and closing his eyes. For once, Kyuhyun wished that he was able to smile because he was happy, not because he was obligated to. Now, the numbness of his body was worth nothing compared to the numbness of his mind. Flashbacks, memories, everything... it was beginning to haunt him again.

Kyuhyun bit his lip before cursing to himself, it never felt safe. Despite the fact that there were so many people who had learned to care for him, so many people who loved him so... Kyuhyun always felt anxious, as if something, or someone, were going to come back to hurt him. Kyuhyun knew well, if someone dared to hurt him, the Super Junior members would have protected him with all they could have. But still, Kyuhyun doubted a lot of the positive thoughts which would float into his head and one point or another.

The maknae simply learned that the more hope a person had, the more they hurt.

He turned sat up with a painful breath, hands scrambling under the bed for something. It was always there. Kyuhyun's fingers grazed the surface of the floor before feeling his body shake. It wasn't there. Kyuhyun stood up, walking over to his desk and looking through the draws. Finally, he found it.

A knife.

Kyuhyun told himself that he wouldn't do it anymore, but he simply had to. Quietly, Kyuhyun dragged the knife over his pale wrist.

A groan escaped Kyuhyun's lips, a groan of relief and pain. He watched quietly, peacefully in fact, as the ruby liquid trailed from his scarred wrist and down his skin. Kyuhyun's knees became weak, his body slowly sliding off the wall and to the floor. With a silent dripping sound, a drop of it reached the floor. It stung, but he didn’t mind. The pain lingered, clearing Kyuhyun mind. The aching and pulsing, he couldn’t remember why he had begun in the first place. Perhaps it was because it made Kyuhyun feel like he had some sort of control in his situation, even though he didn't. Soon though, the onetime cutting became an addiction. An obsession. He needed it to simply get through the withering night, to keep his sanity. At least, what was left of his sanity. Kyuhyun just needed it.

The knife sat beside him, Kyuhyun's fingers grazing over its freshly sharpened blade. Beautiful, elegant blood made home on it, his cold reflection becoming hidden. A weak and pitiful smile crawled to his lips, why did he have to be like this? Since when was hurt so crushing? Kyuhyun couldn’t remember when the knife officially became his best friend, he couldn’t even remember what had driven him in the first place. Actually, Kyuhyun could remember, but he didn't like to think about it.

Family?

A whimper escaped Kyuhyun's lips, bringing his knees up to his chest. It felt cold all of a sudden, why was that? He couldn’t think straight, his entire body felt as if it were to fall apart. Perhaps Kyuhyun had cut himself one too many times, perhaps he should have waited for his other scars to heal at least. Even if he wasn't the one who created the other blemishes. If he had, then Kyuhyun probably wouldn’t have been shaking so much. But then again, that was a somewhat normal process of his night.

Kyuhyun grabbed a used tissue which had been on the floor, holding it in his hand, clutching it tightly as it barely grazed the liquid ruby. The tissue was as well dyed a crimson red, staining Kyuhyun's skin through the darkness. The nothingness of colour, he could only see the scarlet tint. A couple times he felt as if he body was about to collapse, but each time the smallest ounce of his strength managed to keep him up.

The maknae stood up, knees wobbling as he laid on the wall for support. Kyuhyun limped to bed, not even being able to feel the blanket he placed on top of himself.

Kyuhyun wished that everything just stopped.

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Hm... the next chapter... did you enjoy it?~ ^^