(Warning: Strong language(or just a lot stronger than usual, just want to protect the innocent minds))

Loss is so cruel. It is such a cruel trick for fate to play on people. At one moment, you would have something, something precious and important to you and in the next moment, before your mind could even register what had happened, it would have been taken away, pulled out from your grasp so cruelly. Didn’t fate realise that this trick it played would hurt so much? Didn’t it realise the effects that it would have on people? Did it know anything of the aftermath of it’s attack? It probably didn’t, it probably knew nothing. If it did then none of this could ever have happened, no one could ever lose anything, because it is just so evil. 

There is something about children that seems to bring out the best in people, that makes hearts grow warmer at the slightest of smiles, that makes sadness flow from the eyes at the slightest sight of a child experiencing pain or sorrow. Children are just so pure, so innocent and I assume that it is this purity that seems to brighten the world around them. They have the purest of smiles and the purest of minds behind their glistening eyes, eyes that seem to shine with amazement and fascination at every sight they come across. Perhaps even someone as cold as Nichkhun could lighten at the sight of a child whose smile was so beautiful. It could brighten our days. That was what made my loss seem so unbearable. It was the fact that I couldn’t bring one more pure and beautiful child into the world, someone who could lighten the burdens that rested upon our shoulders, someone who could, for a single moment, bring a sense of peace and serenity. I had missed out on the opportunity.

In the time that I lay there in that bed, my body slowly trying to recover to a healthier state, I wondered what went through the minds of those soldiers that could kill those children. Many children had found their paths end in the camp, many of them merely only small babies cradled within their mother’s arms - how could someone bring death upon such a pure child so mercilessly, so mindlessly that it didn’t manage to bring them any pain or sorrow in doing so? I wondered how hardened their hearts had become to be so evil,. I wondered how they couldn’t even flinch a single movement as the tears streamed out of those once glistening eyes of a child who could do nothing but wait for death to overcome them. How could people be so cruel?

The tears streamed from my eyes with every thought of those children, children whose paths had been like that of Mei, children that fate had played a cruel trick on and wrote the end to their lives. What would life have been like for them if they had continued to live? Would they have escaped at the end with their lives? Would they have become doctors and teachers like they dreamed they would? Could they have changed anything for us? We would never know, because fate had wrote them down on it’s list, a list of those who had fallen. 

Perhaps if Mei had lived then everything would have been so much different. Maybe I would never have found myself growing closer to General Nichkhun, so much so that I would never had spent that night with him in his chambers. Maybe Sulli would never have found herself in that position, in that position which had changed her, which caused the hatred towards me to become inked within her heart. Maybe I would never have found myself as a target to Donghae’s cruel attack. I would never have experienced such loss if she had lived. And yet, part of me felt like there was something I would have been missing if she had not died. That feeling of warmth which grew every time he did something for me, each time he helped me, aided me, that feeling would have been missing if she had continued to live. I would never have found myself feeling almost glad to have the opportunity to see him each time he called for me, never finding myself sensing the encouragement to live from the way that he would speak to me. All of that would have been missing if she had lived. 

I didn’t know which path of fate would have been better for me. I couldn’t choose. 

……

I spent hours lying between those folds of fabric restlessly, unable to sleep, unable to even close my eyes as I contemplated over the words that Nichkhun had said to me. I didn’t understand why they were affecting me as much as they were, why every time that I thought over them I could feel a pain strike through my heart and an aching through my head. I didn’t understand any of that -  the baby, the unborn baby, had only been inside of me, growing. I didn’t know it and it didn’t yet know of me yet there was still this sense of pain and loss within me that caused me to feel so much sadness that I had never felt before.

I wanted to have Nichkhun with me, I wanted to hear the smooth huskiness of his voice as he reassured me, I wanted to feel the warmth of his hand against mine but I didn’t know where he was. I didn’t even know where I was at that moment or what time it would have been. I didn’t know anything, kept hidden from society for so long in my comatose state. Did anyone wonder where I was? Did they worry about me like Sulli had been so long ago when she went out looking for me?

Boa had probably already told everyone else of the things that Donghae had said to her that night, at least I thought she did. She would have informed the others of the fact that I had not been doing what I said I had with General Nichkhun, that the things I had told them were merely just lies. I didn’t think there was any way that I would have been able to trust her if I saw her again - the fact that she had betrayed my trust had been enough to make me see that she wasn’t the person I once thought she was. Boa was no longer the sweet and kind mother who had given birth in that kitchen that day as I held her hand and reassured her she would be okay. She was some kind of monster, who, at the first act of weakness, gave in to Lieutenant Donghae in exchange for medicine for her sick child. 

It wasn’t as if I didn’t understand her state of mind. It wasn’t as if I didn’t understand that she was desperate to save her son because she was a mother, and mothers would do anything to protect their young. Anything. I just would have wished that she would have thought of another way to save him. Maybe she could have put more faith in god and the prayers that she made every night and hoped for the best to happen, hope that god had better plans for her son than the dire ones that everyone seemed to believe lay in his path. But I couldn’t exactly make a judgement on her part because I didn’t understand what she was going through. I wouldn’t know until I myself bore a child.

Almost at impulse, just the thought of what had happened brought the warm liquid rushing to the rims of my eyes. I bit down onto my lower lip, trying to suppress the oncoming cry between my lips with so much force that I almost drew some blood. A cool breeze swept through the air around me, the tears dripping down my ashen cheeks as I forced my eyes shut, hoping to hold the tears inside. Sometimes I felt that I had cried enough, that there was no point in crying anymore because it would make no difference. 

“Are you okay, Victoria?” The gentlest of voices broke through the silence that I hadn’t realised I had been surrounded by. I glanced up, the tears distorting my vision slightly as they hung within my eyes. 

The owner of the voice stood by the doorway, holding a small lamp within his hands as he took a few steps forward into the room and lit the dark space. It had been some time since I had last seen him, wandering around the camp during the day under the general’s orders. It had been a long time since I had spoken to him, the first time I had ever held a conversation with a soldier other than Nichkhun and I could already tell that he was somewhat different than the rest of them. There was more light within his eyes, they weren’t completely darkened like the others’, brighter and more vibrant, still holding some traces of colour.

“I thought I heard crying coming from your room.” 

The gentleness of his voice remained as he dragged the chair across the floor, the legs screeching from the friction between the surfaces as he set it by the side of the bed and settled onto it. He was watching as I pulled myself up, my body still weak in the aftermath of my comatose state, my skin pale and drained of all it’s colour. I probably didn’t seem like my usual self and I could tell from the look on his face that he knew that too. I didn’t feel like my usual self either. 

“Where’s Nichkhun?” I couldn’t help but question his disappearance, couldn’t help but wonder where he was. I hadn’t seen him since he had left the room earlier that day and I was starting to think that my frightening behaviour had driven him away from me. I thought he wouldn’t want to see me.

A chuckle escaped from Taecyeon’s lips as he leaned back on the chair, rummaging through his pockets. “He was sitting outside your room all day, tired and exhausted. I told him to get some sleep and I would keep watch,” he replied surreptitiously, reaching forward as he passed a handkerchief into my hands. I tried to wipe the moist sadness from my face.

“Keep watch? Why would you have to keep watch?” I asked, my eyebrows knitting together in an initial confusion from his words. But when they replayed in my mind, fear was all that I could feel, striking through me urgently. 

Was there something still after me? Was someone still trying to hurt me? Was that why I was in this strange place? What was it that they hadn’t told me yet, apart from the effects of Donghae’s gun shot? What was it that they were hiding from me?

I didn’t realise that the pace of my breathing had increased, eyes bloodshot and wide with fear. I didn’t realise that I was shivering despite being tucked beneath the many layers of fabric that had been placed over me. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t understand why I changed so much every time I thought about him or what he tried to do to me. Had Donghae’s attack managed to scar me so much so that I was frightened for my life? I had never felt so frightened and weak before, never so pain-stricken until the aftermath of his attack. What did he do to me? What did he do to change me like this? 

I was confused. I was scared. I was in fear.

“Victoria,” Taecyeon called out, his voice smooth as it lingered through the air. Smooth and gentle. 

The tone of his voice didn’t manage to get through the air to my ears. I couldn’t hear it. I couldn’t hear anything but Donghae’s yelling and shrieks, his cursing as I managed to escape from him, the insults and horrible words that he called me by. I couldn’t hear anything but the sounds of the rain battering against the ground, the sound of my heart beating so quickly like my body was battling to survive and force itself to continue moving on as the lightening sliced through the storm clouds like a sword. 

It felt like I was back in that moment again, that terrifying moment when everything had almost came to an end before I knew it. I was struggling to move further even though I knew that if I stopped I would be done for. I was hanging on my last breaths, struggling to catch the oxygen in the air as if it had suddenly disappeared. I was dying. I was dying again, the darkness overcoming me, the shadows slowly approaching.

“Victoria, are you okay?” The gentle voice broke through the barrier that my fear had created, but somehow, it didn’t approach me in that tone. It had changed in the time that it had taken to reach my ears, the words holding no sense of worry and sincerity. They had become harsher, almost evil, the voice warping into something that was quite familiar to my ears. The words sent a shiver running down my spine, the fear striking through me with it.

“What’s wrong?” The words were supposed to be said with care, as if the one who had spoken was generally worrying about me, but they were twisted until they were almost mocking my weaknesses, eyes boring into the back of my head. 

I forced my closed eyes open as the sounds of movement became audible through the air in the room, air which was no longer providing me with the oxygen that I needed to survive. No, it felt like that air was suffocating me, trying to kill me, as if everything I had once known to have helped me had turned against me. My eyes locked onto the moving figure that was inching closer with each step, exuding an aura that was pitch-black with darkness.

“Don’t come near me,” I forced through chattering teeth.

The figure raised their head and the scream left my lips before I could even register what it was. I forced myself to remember what Nichkhun had told me. Donghae couldn’t hurt me, he couldn‘t kill me. He was already dead. Nichkhun had killed him, there was no way he could hurt me, Nichkhun had killed him to protect me. There was nothing that could hurt me anymore. But why did this figure look so much like him? Why did he have that same look in his eyes, that look he gave me when he told me what he would do to me, the same sinister quality to his voice as he breathed onto the back of my neck? How could any of that be the same if he had died? 

“There is nothing to be scared of Victoria,” He seethed through clenched teeth. 

He raised his hand, his bony fingers, dirty fingernails clawing out to me, piercing through my skin as a gasp escaped from my lips.

“Get away from me!” 

I leapt out of the bed, struggling to push him away from me as he merely attacked me from the other side. I feared that this was going to end the same way that it had the last time I had seen him, but this time, I felt like I wasn’t going to be so lucky. I wouldn’t just be sent to the darkness. He was actually going to kill me, I could tell from the sinister darkness within his eyes that he was planning so much more. 

The tears flooded from my eyes uncontrollably, the sorrow and fear bleeding out from my soul as I brought my hands to my face, too frightened by his eyes. I dropped to the cold ground beneath me, the pain within my numbing arm slowly subsiding. The coldness in the air that I had felt merely moments earlier had disappeared and I was encompassed by a sudden burst of warmth, something tightening around me but I could sense nothing fearful from it.

I removed the shaking hands from my face, trying to regain my composure as the shadows slowly crept away from me and back to the edges of the large room. Nichkhun was holding me within his warm embrace as my heart rate slowly decreased until it was normal, the frightened and heavy breaths easing into the air to become replaced by calm and peaceful ones, just like they should have been. His breath was hot as it was blown against the back of my neck as I shifted slightly within his arms, lifting my hand, wiping the minute beads of perspiration from my face and holding them between my fingers. 

I couldn’t believe that something like that had happened to me, I couldn’t believe that it could have happened to me even after I had woken up, even after weeks had passed since the incident had happened. Yes, they had recurred over and over in that darkness that had overcome me, recurred so many times that I knew the events like the back of my hand, but I couldn’t believe that they still managed to haunt me even after two weeks had passed since it had happened. 

What was wrong with me?

……

“What do you think it was?” 

My ears perked up at the sound, almost inaudible, but could still be recognised as Taecyeon’s voice. He had left the room the night earlier almost distraught by what had happened, as if he thought that it was his fault that I had suddenly reacted in the way that I had towards him, and I hadn’t seen him since he had left through that door with sympathy being endowed from his kind eyes. I couldn’t blame him though - he seemed like the kind of person who had never been feared before, too sincere and nice, so to have had someone like me fear him must have been almost shocking and frightful. 

I wanted to apologise to him for my behaviour, for my sudden outbursts, but Nichkhun told me that he was fine and there was nothing that I had to worry about. From the look of him when he left, I could tell that he wasn’t ‘fine’ as Nichkhun had put it - there was something that he was worrying about, I could see it through the brightness of his eyes as he cast them upon me, but I couldn’t put my finger on what that was. Not yet.

“It was probably some kind of hallucination. For some reason, she started thinking about Donghae and then suddenly, she pictured that you were him and you were out to get her,” Nichkhun’s voice lingered through the stifling heat of the room to my ears. 

“I thought she would have been over it by now,” Taecyeon replied, his voice hushing into silence. 

“He tried to kill her. It would be difficult to forget…” Nichkhun’s voice became almost soundless, the walls blocking the sound waves from reaching my ears. 

I lifted my arm, it was almost too heavy to move it up from my side and placed my hand upon the small table by the bed. My fingers swept across the coolness of the material as I pressed down firmly onto the wooden object and tried to pull myself up from the comfort of the mattress. I was curious to hear what they were saying, too curious for my own good. I wanted to know what they were talking about, what they were saying that they didn’t want me to hear. That was why they were talking in such low voices, such low and almost soundless tones, wasn’t it? They were discussing something and they didn’t want me to know what it was. 

My body almost fell forward, my abdomen leaning out in front of me as if there was a force on my back pushing me down, trying to hurt me. I kept my drip on the small table firm as I swung my legs slowly over the side of the bed, the cold rushing through my skin as my feet rested on the floor beneath me. I wouldn’t have expected anything else - winter was slowly leaving us but it still left traces of itself behind as the warmth of the sun lay hidden behind the harsh storm clouds drifting across the skies above us. 

My legs were struggling beneath the weight of my upper body, having not adjusted and recovered yet. I had barely moved since I had woken up from the accident - except from the occasional trips to the bathroom where Nichkhun held tightly onto my arms as he escorted me there, or when I had leapt up in fright from Taecyeon. My legs were weak, my whole body was weak as Nichkhun had already mentioned to me, and it would take it’s time to recover to it’s normal state after that state. It would take even longer for my mind to recover after what had happened, so it would seem after my reaction the night earlier. 

I shuffled against the vinyl floors, slowly stepping down onto the freezing coldness of the material beneath me as I inched closer to the door. Each step I took made it feel like I had taken 1000 times more, the pain shooting through me as I lifted my foot and pressed down onto the floor again and again. I bit down on my lower lip to suppress the cries that were urging out of my lips, forcing them to stay muffled between them. If they knew I was listening then they wouldn’t continue. They would stop talking and continue their conversation somewhere else. Somewhere where I wouldn’t be able to hear them. 

“You won’t be able to keep her here forever, you know?” I could hear Taecyeon’s voice bouncing off the walls as I pressed my ear against the door, low and firm, that I could sense the authority in his tone. “You won’t be able to protect her forever. She’ll go back to the Prisoner Camp and you won’t be able to protect her 24/7.”

“You think I don’t already know that? I just…I can’t bear to make her go back in the state that she is in,” A heavy sigh escaped from Nichkhun’s lips as he leaned his back against the door, the force almost pushing it open as I stood eagerly to hear what they were saying on the other side. 

“I know you’re worried about her but staying here isn’t going to help anything. People are already wondering where you have disappeared to and I’m sure the other prisoners are going to find it strange when she suddenly comes back after a few weeks - I would be if I didn’t know what was going on,” He reverberated, his sympathy hiding behind the authority that had appeared merely moments earlier. 

Nichkhun slammed his hand against the wall and I swear that I could see specks of dust and rubble falling to the ground as I faced the point of impact from the other side. An exasperated groan escaped from his lips as he pressed his forehead against the cool wall that kept him from seeing me. “Can’t we find any way to get around it?”

“I already tried last time you asked me. I didn’t find anything.”

For some reason, it seemed like every time he spoke, his voice, the tone of his voice had grown more rough, more harsh. It was something that I had never expected from his lips, the harsh drones of an annoyed and bothered man, and somehow, I could tell that at any moment, he could snap, those expressions of reverie and serenity could shatter into millions of miniscule pieces. Nichkhun’s questions didn’t seem to make anything easier for him. 

“I don’t even understand why you even care about what happens to her,” he responded in an uncaring manner.

I could tell that he had just pushed a button in Nichkhun, triggered something which was just going to boil and bubble up inside of him with each passing moment until it was large enough to explode out of him. I could sense it within the air around us, a familiar eeriness isolating itself in the depths of the shadows around us, watching for the perfect moment to make it’s self clear. A shiver and down my spine, minute bumps becoming visible beneath the small, indistinguishable hairs upon my arms as the air around me chilled. I had never wished that I was more wrong than I had at that moment. 

I ran my fingers along the smoothness of the door handle, holding it within my grip almost weakly as I turned it slowly. There was a low and mellow creaking as I pulled the door towards me, a sound that was too loud for my ears but unheard by theirs as I steadied myself at the doorway and peered out into the hall at the two figures. 

“You don’t understanding why I ing care?” Nichkhun hissed, his fingernails scratching along the wall as a spine-chilling atmosphere eased it’s way into the room. The second of many shivers found it’s way to haunt me as I stood idly by, only able to watch the scene unfold between the two men. “That camp is killing her, those bastards in there are killing her - I can see how it’s tearing her apart.” He lifted his hand from the wall, his head shooting upwards to glare at the man across the small expanse of a hallway. The sinister presence flickered within the darkness of his eyes, I noticed it, a breath hitching up in my throat. 

“That’s why you want to help her?” Taecyeon asked a question to which he was already sure of the answer to - it was evident in his voice. He was merely jeering, mocking his opponent and Nichkhun was yet to notice it. “Well, that’s just ing hilarious, isn’t it?”

“I don’t see what you find funny.”

“Of course, you don’t, you bastard,” Taecyeon smirked, mocking his obliviousness even further. The atmosphere between them was growing more and more tense with each passing second. “One second, you’re murdering innocent people and the next, you’re trying to help someone else from being murdered and hurt. Do you think helping her makes up for the fact that you’re a ing criminal? That it would make you look better in front of God? You’re a murderer - nothing can ever change that!” 

He had by now noticed it. 

Everything was plummeting deeper into the soil, the tension rising to an uncontrollable level as both parties watched each other with a hidden vengeance and hatred for each other slowly seeping out of their darkening spheres like venom. 

“That’s what you think of me, huh? All of this time, acting like you didn’t care, you’ve been judging me just like everyone else, you ing piece of !” Nichkhun spat the words out as if they had left a bitter taste lingering in his mouth while he trapped him in there. The fury burned within him, red sparks making his eyes glisten with a beautiful infuriation, his body lighting up with an angry glow. 

His fingers curled into the palm of his hand, almost instantaneously forming a closed fist which pounded against the wall between my room and the hallway. It wasn’t as gentle as the last time he had hit that wall, concrete crumbling down from the indentation that he had managed to make in the soft indestructible material. 

“Apologise!” He held a monstrous glare within his eyes but was forcing himself to suppress hints of the ghastly anger fuelling the fire within him, forcing himself not to lunge at his opponent who was only steps away, an opponent whose glare held an equal vengeance and anger to his own. He took a step towards him, leaning his body forward, hand trapped into his fist dangling by his side.

“For what? We both know that what is said was true!” Taecyeon yelled, the impact of his voice blowing the soft tufts of hair from Nichkhun’s face and I knew that this was only going to anger him more. There was nothing that couldn’t have managed to anger him at that moment. Nothing. “You’re a mother-ing monster and you know it!”

“I’m a monster, am I?” The bitterness flowed onto his handsome face, streaking out until it controlled all of his features. I could see hints of the ugliness I had never believed that he could possess. “I may as well act like one then!”

The dust became caught within my eyes, forcing me to shut them for a single moment. I didn’t think anything could change in one moment, nothing more could happen than it had already, but I was always so wrong, wasn’t I?

In one single moment, Nichkhun’s closed fist had raised from his side, violently parting the air in it’s path. Taecyeon had turned his head at the sound of the swishing wind, the ‘perfect’ moment for Nichkhun’s violent attack to take place. The fist collided with his cheek and the sound of a tooth shattering at impact became harshly audible as it echoed off the walls of the hallway. I held my breath within my lips, my hand raising to my face in shock. 

Taecyeon staggered backwards at the impact of the shot, blood filling his mouth as it dripped onto his parted lips and streaked down onto his chin. A choked breath escaped from his lips as he fell backwards onto the tough, vinyl floor beneath our feet with a thud. I could do nothing but watch the scene play out with the shock overcoming all other emotions on my face. I could do nothing but feel the sense of accomplishment escaping from Nichkhun as a ghost of a smile lingered upon his upturned lips. 

He was a monster, a beautiful monster. 

The impending silence that filled the open space, the suffocating silence, was broken by the sounds of his footsteps as Nichkhun shifted his weight towards the injured Taecyeon, who seemed in no condition to counter-attack after the painful blow that he had just received. But Nichkhun didn’t seem like he would ever give up, even if damage had already been done to his right-hand man - I could see it in his eyes, in his vengeful, impatient glare. 

“There! I just proved your ing point!” He roared in a furious rage. 

Taecyeon forced himself to lift his back off the ground, attempting to speak as only choked breaths wheezed and heaved specks of blood back and forth, the rancid stench of the chemical wafting through the air. I had to force the vomit down my throat.

Nichkhun delivered another harsh blow by kicking him in the side, Taecyeon‘s condition only worsening at the impact. There was more blood and I was only growing more sickened by the sight. When would he ever stop? When would he ever know when to stop?

“What was that? I can’t hear you! Speak louder, you stupid bastard!” 

He was such a cruel man. He was insane.

“You’re such a sick man,” Taecyeon finally spoke after a few paused moments in which Nichkhun was growing more impatient and I was growing more worried that things would end with severe consequences. 

He lifted himself back to his feet as the words reached Nichkhun’s ears, and Nichkhun didn’t like the sound of these words. Nichkhun didn’t like them, even though somewhere deep inside of him he knew that they were true. He would never admit it but he knew it was true and that bothered him, it angered him, it infuriated him. And as he contemplated the words, his jaw became clenched, teeth gritting together as they screeched against each other and released a spine-chilling sound into the air. He stared forward, but his murderous glare didn’t flicker away with realisation. It grew.

Taecyeon took a few steps forward until they were both face to face, staring right into those murderous spheres with no change in emotion upon his features as if he were fearless to what Nichkhun could do to him. He lifted his hand to his lips, his thumb brushing against his lower lip as the fresh blood became swept onto it until the tip was coated in a thin layer of the red liquid. His other hand reached forward and rested onto Nichkhun’s shoulder as he maintained a steady, watchful eye on the General, as if he could have helped return back to the serenity. But Taecyeon was wrong. 

“Keep your ing hands off me!” 

Nichkhun shoved him backwards as the shiny metal of his weapon glistened in his free hand. Neither I nor Taecyeon had noticed him reach into the pocket of his jacket for the gun he held in his left hand, a gun that he had held facing Taecyeon, aimed for his head, his finger inching towards the trigger.

“Nichkhun! Stop it!” I found the eyes of both men upon me in a single moment, Nichkhun’s finger resting upon the trigger. I had unconsciously shouted the words in fear, in fear for Taecyeon’s life, in fear for Nichkhun’s sanity as a single tear pricked at the corner of my eye and streamed down my face.

“Please…just stop…hurting each other.” 

A chocked breath escaped from my lips, a sob catching in my throat as I found myself holding onto Nichkhun‘s glare as our eyes met, trying to find the Nichkhun that I had grown to love behind those eyes, behind that murderous glare. I couldn’t find him at that moment. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to find him again.

He was such a cruel man. And I loved him. I loved a cruel man. 

……

That was one of the few times I had ever seen it, one of the few times I had ever been seen Nichkhun so- I couldn’t even register a word for it. He was just so different from the Nichkhun that I had grown to know, that I had grown to like, to love. He was so demonic, a monster, and I was frightened that he was capable of doing so much more. I was frightened that he was actually capable of killing Taecyeon had I not stopped him on time. He could have ended another life.

There was so much blood on his hands, encrusted within his fingers and the deepest of his palms. His hands were soaking in the amount of blood, that you couldn’t even see any trace of skin beneath it. He was a monster, a murderous monster. And I supposed that the worst part of that was that he had held me within those hands, he had touched me within those hands, pressed them against my back reassuringly as he held me in his embrace, fed me from them. I could only find myself being sickened by the thought of the blood dripping from them every moment he had ever touched me, the blood soaking into my own skin, the rancid stench lingering within my clothes. 

It was so sickening, just the thought of it could make me gag. Every part of me felt dirty, like I was drowning in the blood of the people that he had murdered. I tried to think away from it, tried to imagine things other than the crimes he had committed, but every time I closed my eyes I could see red, I could smell the vile stench lingering in the air, I could feel it streaming down my skin, hot and rushing. It felt like I had committed those crimes with him. 

I couldn’t help but feel like everything that had happened to the two of them was my fault, was due to my existence in the General’s life. If Nichkhun hadn’t said those things about wanting to protect me then none of what had happened would ever have happened in the first place. Taecyeon wouldn’t have replied in the way that he had, there would be no yelling and shouting and neither of them would have ended up injured like they had. 

Part of me wondered whether what I was thinking was true though. Part of me wanted to think that it was Taecyeon’s suppressed infuriation and anger with the General that had led to the events playing out as they had. It was him who had mocked the General in the first place. Him. Not me. Maybe he too could no longer stand the cruelty in the General’s character. But I had always thought that the pair were friends, that they were quite close. Taecyeon did whatever Nichkhun told him to, as far as I was aware, and I assumed as a result, Nichkhun had confided some trust in him. But that didn’t explain what happened. I was missing part of the picture, missing the final puzzle piece. 

There had to be something else I didn’t know.

……

“You haven’t said anything since the other night. I’m starting to miss the sound of your voice.”

His baritone voice broke through the silence that surrounded us as he appeared by the doorway, his back leaning against the tough oak that bordered the door. He seemed like such a stranger at that moment, so different from the way I had seen him a few days earlier during the rough encounter with Taecyeon. I couldn’t even recognise his voice as he spoke to me, I couldn’t recognise the smoothness and serenity within it, all I could remember was the harsh, toughness, gruffness that he spoke to Taecyeon with. Yes, he was such a stranger to me then.

He had came by a few times each day to check up on me but each time, I couldn’t find any words to say to him. They weren’t even trapped between my lips like they always were when I couldn’t speak to him, there were no words waiting there impatient to escape. There wasn’t anything, and I knew I wasn’t the only one questioning why - Nichkhun had always seemed to know when I was going to say something to him, even if I didn’t say anything at all, even if they were kept between my lips, but I supposed that he knew I didn’t have anything to say to him, and after a few moments of waiting around for any kind of response, he would leave and close the door firmly behind him. 

I was sure that this time was doing to be the same as the rest and I was sure that he knew that too. 

“Are you feeling any better?” He took a single step into the room, brushing his fingers against the roughness of the wall. 

“Do you find it any easier to move around? Hmm?”

He walked further, his feet carrying his weight into the centre of the room as the floorboards creaked beneath him. He did the same thing every time that he came in, that I was so sure I already knew what the next part of his routine was. I was sure that he was going to stand in front of my bed for a few moments and without our eyes meeting or words being exchanged between us, he would walk back to the door. 

“Well? Are you going to say anything?” He asked, the answer already clear to him. “Or are you just going to keep playing this silent game of yours?” 

“, Victoria! What do you want me to do, huh?”

“Say something!”

There was a sense of annoyance and impatience within the tone of his voice and as I lifted my head slowly, I could see his body fidgeting in irritation, the tips of his ears were gradually flushing to a deep red until they burned with the colour. He was becoming angry, infuriated with me. He was becoming angry and infuriated with my lack of response. I hadn’t seen him become that angry since the other night. I could see that monster growing inside of him.

“If I don’t, are you going to try and shoot me too?” I couldn’t hold the words back. It seemed like I had unconsciously found something to say. 

My eyes widened as the sounds of my words reached my ears and my hand clamped over my mouth in shock. Saying that was only going to make things worse. I just wish that I hadn’t, I wish I hadn‘t said it. I wish that I could have held them back, just like I always did. 

I looked away from his direction, staring down at my hands as he slowly stepped across the room. The sounds of the rain battering against the window should have been able to lessen the tense atmosphere that had dropped silence upon us, but it only made things seemingly worse. It felt like the rain was symbolising the turmoil that I had just found myself in, put myself in. 

“You’re still thinking about that? It was four days ago?” I didn’t realise until he had spoken that he was standing right in front of me, right in front of the bed, just as I predicted he would. I also hadn’t realised that we were in nothing but complete darkness except from the small flickering lamp on the table beside me. 

“Why would I not think about it? You almost killed him,” I asked, the scenes replaying in my mind just as the thought of what had happened. 

“I already told you it was a mistake. I didn’t mean for things to go that far.” He tipped his head down so I couldn’t see his face, the tips of his ears still red. His fingers were encircling themselves around the plastic frame of the end of the bed, tightening until his fingers were straining at the force, the colour draining from his knuckles. He was growing more angry and I could somewhat tell that it wasn’t just me that had caused it. He was angry with himself. 

“You didn’t mean for things to go that far but they still did. You would have shot him if I didn’t say anything, wouldn’t you?

He didn’t say anything, merely staring straight down at the ground as his fingers tightened even further. He would have dislocated his fingers if he didn’t stop and from the looks of it, he wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. He was angry, too angry for his own good. And I myself, couldn’t find a way to stop, a way to stop infuriating him. The inner anger and hatred for him that I had suppressed had finally found an escape route.

“Your silence just proves that I’m right.”

“You don’t understand,” He said almost silently, lifting his head slight as he cast his eyes upon me. “Both of you don’t understand what I’m going through.”

I couldn’t help but notice that this was something that he always seemed to do. He would play the bad guy, he would be a monster, and whenever anyone would confront him on it, he would hide it, act as if there was something that we didn’t know that was causing it. It was never his fault, apparently, nothing was ever his fault. He wasn’t the monster that we thought he was. He was merely a ‘misunderstood’ being, and at that moment, I didn’t want to take his bull anymore. 

“How are we supposed to understand if you don’t tell us anything?” I asked,  “We’re not ing mind readers, General.”

His head shot up instantaneously, “What did you just call me?” 

He cast his eyes upon me in a way that seemed to make me feel uncomfortable, staring at me as if I had just said something terrible, something he never would have expected. His eyes were wide and the infuriation was seeping through the darkness within his orbs, covering over the sclera until he was blinded by it. For the first time that night, I was growing frightened, frightened of what he could do to me because I knew what he was capable of. If he could kill Taecyeon, someone he was close to without a second thought, then he could end my life instantaneously. And I almost regretted the fact that I had asked him more than once to shoot me dead. 

The words escaped from my lips through a few, hushed breaths. “I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You just called me General.”

“That’s what you are, aren’t you?” I asked in innocence, fear dripping from my lips. “You’re the General.”

“You’re saying that as if you don’t know me.”

The intensity of the rain grew, the battering against the window almost drowning out all of the other sounds in the room. The cool breezes swept through the room, entering through the miniscule cracks through the concrete walls, causing the shivers to up my spine as I tugged the blankets closer to my body. I lifted my head as the floorboards creaked around me, growing louder as he moved closer to me, and when I turned my head to the side, I found myself unconsciously backing myself away from him. The darkness found its away around him, a shadow cast upon his face, and he looked…he looked so sinister, so evil, and the fear lingering inside of me could only grow.

“I’m starting to think that I don’t actually know you. I didn’t ever think that I could know a monster like you,” My voice was hushing into a further silence until I couldn’t ever hear myself speaking, the sounds drowning out into the air. He, somehow, had managed to hear me. He managed to hear me despite the silence. 

A low chuckle escaped from his lips, the remnants of a sinister smile lingering upon them. “Oh, so you think I’m a monster too?”

I didn’t know whether or not I should have responded to him. Somehow, I knew I didn’t need to. My answer already hung in the silence of the air. 

“I should just be a ing monster then, shouldn’t I?”

As swiftly as he said those words, he tugged at my arm, roughly pulling me away from the comfort of the bed as I stumbled forward. My knees almost gave way, my body not fully recovered and dropping to the ground before his fingers tightened around my wrists. He yanked me upwards, tilting my head up with his free hand as he made my eyes meet his. And I could have sworn that I saw the remaining light escape from his eyes. 

The sinister smile reappeared, as if he was mocking the situation that I had put myself in. We were so close that I could feel the warmth of his breath in the surrounding air, drifting towards me. It was no longer warm when it had reached me, however. It had chilled into an icy breeze that caused me to shudder when it reached my skin, his fingers still tightening around my wrist, hand still cupping my chin. 

I knew what he was capable, so frighteningly aware of what he could have done to me if he had so chosen. His fingernails pierced into my skin, sharply slicing through it as a hot rush of red liquid flowed down my arm. I looked up at him, stared into his eyes as I searched for the light, light that I thought could have still remained. I searched for the man that I was in love with, the man hidden behind the monster. His expressions only grew more grim. He wouldn’t stop.

His fingertips brushed against my neck, frighteningly cold like ice, as he closed his hand in a vice like grip. He laughed, a crazed look taking over the dark spheres, as his grip tightened, tightening until I could no longer breathe. I tried to fight back, lifting my free hand as I dug my nails into his skin. It had no effect on him. I didn’t want to go back to the darkness, I didn’t want to spend eternity there. 

My lungs were burning, my pulse drumming frantically as the oxygen supply grew dangerously short the tighter his grip became. “Nichkhun…Nichkhun stop, you’re hurting me,” I cried in a single choked breath, as if the real Nichkhun was still there to hear my pleas. 

The tears streamed down my face, blood ran down my arm, breaths grew more frantic, my body weakened as dark spots began to cloud my vision, the dark shadows sneaking up around me.

“Monsters don’t care if anyone gets hurt.”

 

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There is nothing that I can do to tell you guys how sorry I am for how long this took- what like four months? Last week, I accidentally forgot to hide the chapter which sent everyone a notification, so no, there wasn't an update last week. To make up for everything, I give you this  chapter and you're probably thinking - what the hell is going on here?. All shall be explained next chapter.

Oh, before I forget, I was considering making a Tumblr account, where I would not only blog about writing, K-pop and such but also post some additional scenes, or explain certain aspects, and such that I would have put in the story but they would never have fit? Like, perhaps, you would have wanted to find out what  happened to Sulli in her own POV or what happened to Victoria's parents or something along those lines? I mean, would you guys be interested in reading that stuff and if so, what would you want to read more of?

Thanks for reading my little lovelies and take care because I care,

coolgirlaamy