Darkness
In the Eyes of a Prisoner
What had happened to humanity?
Why was the world so cruel?
I seemed to ask these questions so often that I had lost count how many times those words had escaped from my lips. I questioned what would happen once everything was over, what would we all do, how things would be between both enemies - ones which existed before the war had began and the ones that had formed through the war. But, there was something else that also seemed to bother me. Once we could leave, would there be any place for us to return to? Would our homes still be the same? Would they remain intact or would we have been left with only the rubble and concrete instead of the places that we had once known, that we had once been accustomed to? Nichkhun had once told me that not much remained of our mansion, that it no longer existed after the army had been there. Was it only a fragment on my imagination now? Would I ever see it again?
Our memories would have fallen along with our home. They were all lost. The precious artefacts, the family heirlooms, my dolls, the fine pieces of china that my mother had once collected- they were all gone. There was nothing to even go back for. They had probably taken everything. Everything that we had once touched, collected, bought. They were gone. I wondered whether there had ever been a moment where we thought, where we believed that everything that we owned would have stolen from us before we could have protected them. Where everything that we had once taken for granted had been lost as a consequence of a deep war. I wonder whether I would have loved my life, my home, everything I had a little more if I knew what could have happened to it. Maybe I would have appreciated my parents that little bit more if I knew that they would have been taken from me. There was no way I could take back the words that I had once said to them, the sharp, distasteful glares that I had once sent in there direction.
If only I could see them once more. If only I had the chance to settle in their warm, comforting embrace and tell them, tell both of them, how much I loved them. How much I cared about them. How much I would never want anything to harm them.
Everything seemed so dark. There was no light around me, nothing but the purest darkness, as if all the light had disappeared and had failed to return. Or perhaps, it had never even existed. Perhaps, there was no such thing as light.
I was enveloped into a strange world, one that I found I couldn’t escape from, no matter how much I tried. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go back to the camp. I wanted to finish what was started. I was going to make it to the end. I was going to make it out of there one day, when all of the fighting was over. But how could I make it to the end if I wasn’t even there? When I had somehow managed to disappear. How could I see my family once again?
Maybe it was better for me that I wasn’t there any longer. Maybe somehow had taken me out of there for a reason. Danger seemed to follow every step that I made, hanging thick in the air that surrounded me. Anyone could attack me at any moment, when I least expected it. Anyone could have hurt me. I couldn’t trust anyone there any longer, no matter how much I wanted to. I wanted to find any goodness in them, I wanted someone to help me and protect me. But I had been let down too many times, and I had let them down too.
There weren’t any people. There weren’t any voices. There wasn’t any noise but a deafening silence that filled the air. It was only me, in the silence and the darkness, looking for a sign to escape. I didn’t seem to have needed anything though. I didn’t need anyone. Many people seemed to have managed to occupy my thoughts, drifting in and out whenever they rushed to my mind, when I needed to come to terms with their actions
Donghae, Lieutenant Donghae was the most frightening of all of these people. I tried to avoid thinking of him, avoiding thinking about his actions as much as possible but he managed to sneak in there unconsciously. Those moments, when he had attacked me, replayed continually in my mind, as if something wanted me to relive those moments again and again as if once had never been enough, as if he needed to hurt me again. And in those moments, I struggled to hold onto every breath, crashing to the ground as my heartbeat increased rapidly and I suffocated in the air around me. Why did I need to see it again? Why did something want me to see it again? Why could I never escape from him?
Eventually, it would all come to an end, just as it did that night. Everything would go back to normal. I was safe once more but I was conscious that the memories were going to return and I was going to go through it all again. And not a single detail from that evening would ever change.
I continued to wander through the darkness endlessly, seeking the light through the coldness that never seemed to disappear, that sliced through my skin every step that I took. Nothing was guiding me through it, nothing diverted me from the wrong track but I moved forward nonetheless, hoping that the further I went, the light was becoming closer inch by inch, second by second. I didn’t know how long I had been there or how long it would be before I could return. Whether I would ever return, I didn’t know the answer.
Then it happened. There was a light pulsing in the distance, calling me towards it, trying to draw me closer. I could finally escape from this strange world when I reached it, I could go back to the others. I had the chance to see everyone again, I had the chance to finish what I had once started.
And I ran. I ran until I could no longer run, the crows flying behind me, following every swish of fabric. There was a rush of adrenaline within me and there was no way I could stop such excitement running through my veins, my feet endlessly crushing the leaves beneath me with every step that I took. The lamp cast a faint glow upon my surroundings, and I reached towards it, my fingers brushing against the smooth metal that held the bulb in place. The light, the bulb, started flickering at the touch, as if the light was suddenly going to become lost as soon as I had arrived. It slowly began to die away, escaping into the dark air.
I unconsciously fell to the ground as the darkness enveloped me.
…….
My eyes flickered open, struggling to see through the intensity of the light around me as I slowly escaped from the darkness. I felt weak, a tingling sensation running through my limbs while an acute pain pulses against my head. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know how much time had passed since I had last been awake, stuck in an unconscious state as I floated in the line between life and death. The memories, the events slowly start to return to me and I know why I’m still here. Something had decided to give me a second chance. A second chance at life.
The blurred objects around me slowly started to become clearer, the shapes becoming more defined until I was able to distinguish what they were. My eyes were trained on the white washed ceiling above me, my nose wrinkling at the stench of sterile equipment and potions lingering in the air. I started to wonder how long I had been in this place for, how long it had been since the incident. I wanted to go back to the others - I didn’t want to stay in this strange place isolated and by myself while the rest of the world continued around me.
I tried to lift myself up but an unknown force pushed my back against the bed, disallowing me from changing positions. How long had I been like this, lying here in this bed? How long had it really been? There was a beeping sound audible around me, echoing in the surrounding air before it reached my ears. I could hear soft breaths and there were voices in the backdrop, growing louder before the sounds dim into silence.
I began to wonder if anyone was aware that I was awake, that I escaped from death and returned to reality. I tried to lift my hand, feeling a burning sensation as my limbs cried out to me in pain. My hand felt so heavy, as if a weight was pushing down on it as I reached out to my side, trying to find some way to signal to the others that I was no longer sleeping. I came into contact with something smooth. My fingers brushed along the softness of the material, trying to move it, trying to find out if there was someone there, someone next to me. But the material suddenly moved itself and I could hear the rustling of fabric.
“Victoria…” a voice muttered drowsily. I tried to move, tried to lift my head to the side, searching for the sound in the room.
There was someone there, someone moving around me. My eyes began to feel heavy, drowsy, as if the amount of sleep I had was not enough. The light was escaping again, it was going away and I was entering the darkness once again. Maybe something was trying to tell me that I wasn’t getting my second chance, that I didn’t have the chance to live after the accident. That I was dying and this was the way that they were trying to tell me that. It was cruel - how they had decided to bring me back to reality once more before it happened. Before I died.
“Victoria? Victoria, are you awake?” The voice asked, so smooth it sounded like music to my ears, heavenly music. “Victoria, can you hear me?”
I could hear them but I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t part my lips or make any sound escape, any sounds were frozen within my breath. I wanted them to hear me, I wanted them to be aware that I was awake. I wanted them to save me from the darkness before it had the chance to take me back. But I was paralysed. I couldn’t do anything even if I wanted to. I willed myself to stay in reality, to stay away from the strange world. There’s only so much that you can do.
“If you’re awake, give me a sign,” the voice had grown softer, the sincerity oozing from it and into the air. This person wanted to save me. “Please.”
I could feel the warmth of their breath against my skin, blowing the curling tendrils away from my skin as a series of minute bumps appeared across it. A hand reached upward, brushing against the smoothness of my complexion, briefly caressing my cheek as the heat transferred into my skin. The will to stay in reality grew before I could even realize it, energy bubbling within me, running through my veins like the adrenaline rush.
I could sense one hand was settled against mine, pressing softly against it as the fingers brushed the skin beneath. I tried to force my hand to move, even if it was only slightly. I needed to prove to them that I was there, that I could hear them, that I was awake. I forced all of my energy into it as my limbs burned and cried from the intensity of the pain. I was impervious to the world around me, only focussed on this one task. Such a simple task.
The energy didn’t go to my hand or my fingers. It had been unconsciously sent elsewhere.
“N-Ni-Nichkhun,” I whispered almost soundlessly, the familiarity of the name returning to my lips. My chest lifted briefly before it dropped back into the comfort, the unbearable comfort of the bed.
The one that I called hadn’t responded. And all I heard was the rustling of fabric, the thudding of feet as they hurried against the floor, unfamiliar voices in the backdrop of the room.
……
“You were in that coma for two weeks. I didn’t think you were going to come back,” his baritone voice slipped into the air, the sound lingering there for a few moments before it finally disappeared.
Two weeks. Two weeks I had spent in the strange world. Two weeks I had been spent trapped with nothing but my thoughts and memories. How could I have spent so much time there? It hadn’t even felt as long as a single day but two weeks, was unbelievable. Two weeks would have managed to drive me insane if I knew that it had taken so long. I would never have thought that I would be able to return if I knew how much time was passing before me. But perhaps it was better that I didn’t know. It made my life there so much easier.
I knew Nichkhun was watching me. His beautifully dark eyes were trained on my every movement, as if anything could happen so suddenly and take me away from him once again. As if he wanted to protect me like he was unable to that night. It was completely evident to me that he had been worried. That he was still worried about my safety. Then I began to question how he actually felt towards me. He wasn’t just the Nichkhun that I had become friends with, that I confided in, that I trusted. He had changed. He was my protector, my saviour from the strange, dark world. He saved my life, not directly, but he had called those doctors in to save me from death. Nichkhun hid me from the others in the camp, a camp that I didn’t know whether I was there any longer.
There was something that continued to bother me, even after I had awoken, after I had escaped from the recurring events that he had been the culprit of. Was he still out there? Did he know that I had survived? He would never let me go until I was finished. He would try to hurt me until my final breath, hurt the people around me until they were turned against me, until they could turn me into him. I knew he was the one that had given Sulli that fate, that he killed Jo Kwon - who was he going to turn against me next? There wasn’t anyone left. Except Nichkhun, and he had already tried.
“Where is he?” The words left my lips in a ghastly, choked breath, almost as silent as air. I could sense that his head had risen at the sound, his eyes gluing themselves to my face as I slowly turned to face him.
“Donghae is dead, Victoria. He can’t hurt you anymore,” He replied almost immediately, as if he knew of the terrors that Donghae had caused within me and his words would bring me a sense of relief. That it did, it did bring a sense of relief but it caused a sense of worry within me. Had he committed something evil in the process of protecting me?
“You killed him?” I spoke slowly.
“He died the same way that he tried to kill you,” He answered nonchalantly.
Should I have been happy that he had died? Should I have felt a sense of accomplishment knowing that he was dead when I was still alive? I know I probably should. But I couldn’t make myself feel that way. I couldn’t make myself rejoice in happiness. I was still human and my actions, my feelings remained humane.
Our eyes met through the darkness and I almost felt scared of him, I was scared of him. I was frightened of his actions and the things that he could do. He was a murderer, and that was a fact that I often found myself struggling to accept. How could someone so sweet and kind be able to kill people, who could find no shame in taking away someone’s life? He may have been able to admit the fact, he admitted it to me many times before but how did he really feel about it? What did he think when he saw a life flash away, when he watched the light escape from his victim’s eyes?
“He deserved it after what he did to you.” The venom seeped out from his words and I could sense the hatred within the atmosphere, radiating out from him. He was a saviour, a protector and a murderer at the same time. I could see so many different so many times at once and I think that was one of the only times that I was not immune from his different personalities. Often, I only saw either the protecting, caring side or the murderer, General side to him - that evening; I saw both, like there were two different people in the room, switching back and forth.
There was a tense silence that filled the room, a suffocating silence that I needed to escape from. I couldn’t stand the silence, I couldn’t bear it, but I struggled with what words to say. After the revelation had been made, I didn’t know how to speak to him. It may have sounded stupid, it probably did, but looking back on that night, it was probably because I didn’t want to accept that he was like that, that he felt free taking people’s lives away.
I wasn’t prepared for what he was going to say next, for the next words that would escape from his lips.
He sat there for a few moments, chewing on his lower lip, as if he was struggling to say what he wanted to and the silence deepened. Then, it was as though he had suddenly been given the courage to allow the words to escape from his lips.
“You didn’t tell me you were pregnant.”
“I didn’t know I had to.” I glanced down, trying to avoid his eyes, as if it was the only way that I would have been able to avoid the conversation altogether. I knew he would find out. I knew that someday he would know the truth, and I just wished that I could have been the one to have told him. I wished that I would never have had to tell him, like the child had never existed in the first place. It could have saved both of us from the pain.
“I was the father, of course you should have told me. I could have protected the two of you.”
I could see the fiery glint in his eyes, burning with an anger that I was unaware had risen within him. He was furious about something and I didn’t know what, that I hadn’t even realised existed. Was he angry that I hadn’t told him? No, that seemed impossible. I hadn’t seen him so angry in so long, not since that first night we had spent together. Then I sensed the strangeness of his words. He said he could have protected us, as if that opportunity was no longer available to him.
And I felt like things were only going to get worse.
“What do you mean you could have?” I asked urgently.
Nichkhun rose from his chair, his feet thudding against the ground as he took a few steps towards me and crouched down by the bed, beside me. At first, he looked away; staring into a vast space of emptiness like it could have helped him, like it could have given him an answer to return to me. His head turned back, his eyes sinking into mine. He lifted his hand and placed it upon mine, linking my fingers within his as the heat of his palms transferred into mine. His actions were frightening me and for a moment, I didn’t want to know the answer to his question.
“You had a miscarriage,” he spoke softly, soundlessly, as if the words had never been said and they were just a figment of my imagination. I wanted to have imagined them. I didn’t want it to be the truth. “You lost the baby through the accident.”
“You’re lying, right?” I asked almost hysterically. I grabbed swiftly onto his shirt, locking a fistful of fabric within my grasp, almost dragging him forward with my actions. He couldn’t have been telling the truth. I was fine. The baby was fine, it was still there. “You’re lying to me, aren’t you?”
“I’m sorry, Victoria.”
I released him from my grasp the moment I witnessed the grief and sadness creep onto his face. I should have known that it could have happened. I should have known that there was no way a pregnancy would have lasted in the camp. I had seen it before, miscarriages, though I had never spoken about them. I should have known that I shouldn’t have grown so attached but I couldn’t help but dream about a happy ending. It would have only caused more grief.
“Victoria, I…”
The tears stung at the corner of my eyes, a constant threat that they would stream down my pallid cheeks. I didn‘t want him to see me like that, though he had seen it many times before. I didn‘t want him to remind me of what I had lost. “I’d like to be alone right now. Please,” I whispered, holding my head down.
“Take as much time as you have to. I’ll be outside if you need me.”
He lifted himself from the ground, brushing the dirt from his clothes as the fabric rustled with his movements. He lowered his head, planting a soft kiss on my forehead, his face hovering above mine for a few moments before he turned away and headed in the opposite direction. My eyes followed his movements as he left the room, slowly closing the door shut. A single tear left my eyes and streamed down my cheek, only to be followed by many more as the moments passed.
Hello everyone. How are you all? I was planning on making this chapter longer but I was scared that I would make you guys wait too long so I plan on adding the rest that I wanted to put in the next chapter which I have not yet properly started.
Well, see you all in the next update.
Thanks for reading my lovelies and take care because I care,
love from coolgirlaamy xx
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