Although the word had become common in our everyday speech, the lasting effect that death had in the camp was devastating. We were in the midst of a war destroying our countries. Our families were torn apart. The innocent unnecessarily killed each day. And as the lavish lives of those at the peak of the South  Korea army improved, ours diminished. I could only watch in hatred as the soldiers jeered while they made a spectacle of the expensive watches on their wrists as though they were a status symbol. I became pessimistic that this hostile environment would ever change, anticipating the worst for weeks, months or possibly even years to come. 


The discovery of her mother’s death had left a deep wound in Mei, one which could not be healed by compassion or sympathy. Her sense of speech and laughter was missing from her presence. Never conversing with anyone unless she was spoken to first. Laughs never heard after Sulli’s peculiar jokes that she had used to try and lighten our situation. Her lips no longer curved into the beautiful smile which lit the world. As much as Sulli and I attempted to comfort her, she refused our sympathy and care, shrugging us away as we watched her fearfully. 


The mere sight of her suffering emotionally broke my heart. In the few months we’d grown closer, she helped me, encouraged me not to give up hope of freedom someday no matter how far it may have been. Her mother surely would have been disquieted observing the drastic change to her daughter’s behavior, the warm melancholic drops streaming down Mei’s pallid cheeks. 


Although this had caused a radical turn in her behavior, the nightmares proved to be less frequent. Perhaps Mei felt slightly at ease knowing the location of her mother in comparison to sleeping in trepidity wondering what had happened to her.  Yet nonetheless, these nightmares were spine-chilling, her body trembling vigorously, high pitched wails ringing in my ears.  Many nights I had feigned sleep watching her to ensure her safety and well-being. It was too much for a child of that age to experience. The camp itself wasn’t ideal for children. Too upsetting. Too frightening.
 

…..

“Has she talked to you about it yet? I hate seeing her like this,” Sulli asked curiously as she crept across the vinyl floor in the dead of the night. Plopping herself on the bed next to me, she slowly reached forward, gently patting Mei’s back as she slept in tranquility, her face buried into the pillow.

She’d gone to bed that night with tears in her eyes, just as she had been doing since the news had come out. The dreams, however, never came back. Her emotions towards her mother had been settled in that she knew that her mother wasn’t out there somewhere looking for her, but that would never stop her from wanting her to return to her side. I felt for her. I wanted to tell her everything was going to be okay. Though it couldn’t. If we ever left the camp, nothing would ever return to the way that it was before we entered.

 
“I was hoping she’d talked to you,” I replied soundlessly, disappointment evident in my tone.
 

She shook her head and glanced down at Mei again, her bright hair spread across the pillows.

 
“I wish she’d just tell us how she feels. She can’t bottle up these feelings forever,” Sulli heaved a sigh, brushing a hand through her tangled, coarse, dark locks.

The wind whistled as an artic breeze washed over us. A chill s up my spine as I rubbed my exposed arms soothingly to create friction and heat. 

“She’s just a child. For all we know, she doesn’t really have any feelings or emotions bottled up inside of her. She just needs some time to herself and will talk about when she wants to,” I fathomed an excuse for Mei’s peculiar behaviors.
 

“She found out 2 weeks ago. I think that’s plenty of time she’s had,” She suddenly argued, the tone of her voice raising before she remembered out surroundings and clasped a hand over . She sent me a knowing gaze before lifting her hand away and whispering softly. “I know I may come across as though I’m pressuring her but I’m worried Sak and I know you are too. Who knows what’s going on in that mind of hers,” she rebutted. 
 

I understood how she felt. I didn’t think anyone but I would wonder what was occurring within the little girl’s mind, what she was thinking, how her mother’s death was affecting her mentally. It was too much of a stress for a young child like Mei to bear. Sulli was the only one of the two of us who could relate to Mei and know what she was feeling. She too had lost her mother at a young age, too young to probably remember the events back in that time, but still knowledgeable enough to relate to the sadness and grief of losing one’s mother. And losing her in a foreign land where you don’t know anyone and don’t know if you will have anyone to return to changed things entirely.

This world was such a cruel place.

“All we can do is wait and hope she speaks to us about it soon,” I laid my head down, my eyes drowsily opening with each flutter of my eyelids. That was all we could do. Hope. And Wait. 
 

******


The next day began completely normally: Roll-call followed by meek portions of food. The food although it was vile and barely edible, satisfied eager taste-buds and then we would be off to work for the day, scrubbing and cooking until our hands were aching and blistered. I watched from the corner of my eye as Mei held her head down, cautiously lifting the spoon out of her bowl, sipping the contents before emitting a brief yawn.

As she sat neatly by my side, her resemblance to the porcelain, China dolls I’d had as a child was uncanny. From the cheeks, rosy and dark, to their delicate and fragile structures, the similarities were there. My mother ensured that I was under the safe supervision of the maids in the short periods I was allowed access to them, brushing the gentle wisps of their golden or auburn hair with utmost care. The majority of the time, I could only watch them inside their glass case, neatly displayed on the shelves, watching me with glistening, beady eyes. I wonder what had ever happened to them.

 
“The General returns this morning,” I overhead another woman mention, sitting in close proximity to myself. At the sound of his name, I lifted my head and looked around me for the source of the voice. 


General Nichkhun had been missing for 2 weeks prior to that day, for something along the lines of a meeting with army officials and various others. We were overjoyed with the news of his departure, knowing that his return would bring us all grief as he tightened rules and watched over us with a supercilious manner. His reign of the camp paralleled one of a Kings as he ruled over his kingdom, us prisoners the lowly peasants beneath him. The Lieutenant s and Commanders had done a ‘fine’ job in his absence, following the General’s example to his exact specifications. 

The last time I had spoken to him he had felt the need to warn me about what would happen if I didn’t obey the rules in his absence. And just like every other time he had spoken to me, he watched me with that dark gaze and never tore his eyes away.

“I’m leaving for a few weeks,” he said as I sat before him silently, looking at him as he looked at me, speaking to him the way he wanted to be spoken. I didn’t want him to hurt me again. I didn’t want him to hurt me anymore. And the only way I could ensure that wouldn’t happen was by following every one of his commands.

I wondered why he would tell me this information. I wondered how his absence would have affected me so much that he needed to tell me everything. What did it matter to me if he left? I would have rejoiced knowing that I wouldn’t have to see the bastards face, knowing that over that period of his absence I was free from him and those hands which seemed to cause me so much pain. And those beautiful eyes that me in.

“You need to be a good girl while I’m gone.” The corners of his lips lifted into that stupid smirk as he started to walk towards me, closing in on the distance between us. He tugged his tie away from the collar of his shirt, and ran his fingers through his dark hair.

“I can’t have you getting into trouble. These soldiers will kill you. And do you know what happens then?” He said as though he wanted me to answer him.

I didn’t know what he would have wanted me to say, and in a way, it was like he knew what Sulli and I had done that day we went to look for Mei’s mother. Because if I died, they would throw me into that field just as they had done with everyone else they had killed. No one killed there would be spared from that funeral.

He stayed silent for a few moments, trying to read through my emotions as he stood right by my side, before responding to his question himself, “ If you die then I can’t have fun with you.”

“How do you know?” another asked questioningly, somewhat hoping that her words were false.

Although the camp in its purpose had remained the same, the harsh treatment and violation of our human rights had lowered, the severity of the punishments inflicted upon us lessened, our workloads shortened.  The hope that General Nichkhun would never return during his non-appearance increased yet God once again must have ignored our cries and prayers. 


“I overheard the Commanders speaking as we entered this morning. We all knew he would return some time,” she replied, her expression reading disappointment and despair. 

 
“I was starting to think that everything was getting better. Sometimes I just wish the bastard would drop dead.”

That was the thought in all of our minds. I had even more reasons to think that way, I couldn’t tell how many times I wanted to ram a knife through that demon’s chest, but those women would never know what happened to me and I was in no position to inform them. But for us all, these feelings were to be hidden, the punishment for speaking out against the General was death. Face to face with survival or death, we’d much rather bottle it up inside.

 

*****

 
“Saki, I’m booorrreeed,” Mei droned on in a sing-song tone as she wandered back and forth between Sulli and me. 

 
A tirade of the sky’s tears battered against the window, the gentle pitter-patter of the drops as they splash onto the ground from the leak in the roof. It was early afternoon, the clock solemnly announcing that it was 10 minutes past 12, still a long day ahead of us. The soldiers who had reduced their patrols in the kitchen during the General’s absence, had returned to their previous positions, striding past every 20 minutes in search for any faults and those meekly pale and sick. Many prisoners had fallen under a sudden state of influenza, too sick to work or be cared for any longer, disposed of immediately without any form of medicine to ease their illness. ‘You fall sick and you die’ that was the army’s policy towards us while they were given access to medication. We watched on in envy as our loved ones suffered. 

 
“Saki, will you play with me? Sulli says she’s too busy,” she asked curiously, gripping my wrist tightly in her smaller, weaker hands. I looked down to see her eyes glistening with hope, her face painted with symptoms of boredom. But, I could give my answer no thought. I couldn’t make any mistakes. I couldn’t give Nichkhun a reason to hurt me.

 
“I’m sorry Mei. I’m too busy. I’ll play with you later,” I replied, gently squeezing her shoulder in sympathy as I wrapped my bony fingers around the handles of the pot, slowly lifting it up to carry across the kitchen. Mei followed like a baby duckling following its mother, her face reading disappointment.


“But Saki, you won’t have any time later. I want to play now,” she said stubbornly, stomping her foot on the ground.

 
There were few children who populated the camp, never to be seen in the daylight or outside in the resting area - unable to accompany Mei. Many had appeared on the first day, clinging close to their fathers and mothers, disappearing in vast amounts on the first few days, never to be seen again. I knew what happened to them. We all knew what had happened to them. But no one dared to breathe a word about them. They were forgotten. The forgotten children of the South  Korean camp for prisoners.
 

“You know I would if I could but I can’t. I’ve got a lot of work to do and if I don’t get it done then I’ll be in trouble. Now please just let me finish my work, okay?”

When I think back, I wished I never said those words. I wished that I could go back in time and stop myself from saying them. But I couldn’t. If only I knew what would happen prior to that time.

“But Jie…”

 
Mei burst into a fit of tears, wailing at the top of her voice in an attempt to rid of all the feelings she had bottled up inside. They rolled down her cheeks uncontrollably, the tears continuing to flow, staining her dress as she held her head down, out of my line of sight. I paused in my actions, swiftly handing the pot to one of the girls as I rushed to her side, attempting to scoop her into my arms. She held out her hands as a barrier. Blocking me from getting any closer to her, she refused my affection.

 

“Mei, let me-”

I was cut off by the sudden creaking of the door. I turned my head to see the stout figure of a man entering, his head held high with authority. The other soldiers saluted him as he passed them by, a proud smirk curving at his lips. He watched us with the same coldness, the same darkness as General Nichkhun, in his eyes, looking down on us as though we were worthless. Slowly stepping forward, he froze in front of Mei as I swiftly leapt to my feet and straightened my back. 


“Are you okay my dear?” he asked in mock sincerity as he crouched down beside her. Drawing a handkerchief out of his jacket pocket, he held it out to her. This façade was unfounded by Mei as her wails hushed, gratefully accepting the handkerchief from his hands as she brushed way her tears. 

 
The atmosphere was tense, so much so that you could cut it with a knife. Everyone worked in complete silence as I watched the scene unfold in front of my eyes. Something wasn’t right about that man. His identity was anonymous. There was no way we could trust that he was doing well.

 
“What happened? You can tell me,” the man asked Mei curiously as held a fake smile on his face graffitied by age.

 
“No one will play with me,” she murmured almost silently. The man nodded his head sympathetically, brushing the strands of Mei’s hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear. 

 
“Oh, is that so?” he paused for a split second, “Well, I have some free time. I can play with you if you want to,” he suggested. Sulli glanced over at us curiously, mouthing ‘Who is he?’ to which I shrugged in response. 


“Okay, let’s go,”
 

“There’s no need to go and play, Mei. Everything’s fine. Why don’t you just stay here with me?” I asked, speedily grabbing her hand in worry. Her eyes fastened onto mine, raising an eyebrow curiously at my sudden change in behavior. If she went with him, who knows if she would return. Only god knew what he had in mind for her. 


“No. I want to go,” she wriggled out of my grasp, walking over to the man as he grabbed her hand and led her out of the kitchen. 


Never had she defied my words. Never had she left with such fury in her eyes. I was a friend to her, a close friend who had comforted her from day 1, yet she treated me as though I was the stranger. Nothing could assist me in my understanding of what exactly I had done wrong for her to treat me that way. Was it the constant asking of how she was feeling? The infinite number of times we had restricted her from leaving our sight? Or the instructions we gave her daily? I didn’t and would never know.


I followed them outside, a few paces behind, despite the penalties of being caught away from work. Resisting the urge to call out to her, I kept my eyes fastened on her petite silhouette. Where he was taking her and what he would do to her was a mystery. Only time would give me an answer. 


I twisted my head in curiosity as I leaned my back against the prickly, rough walls of the building coated with speckles of rain. The wind blew what little amount of hair I had into my eyes, brushing against my forehead as he sheltered Mei under his umbrella, his hand rummaging through his pockets as though he was looking for something. They turned the corner as I watched her chat animatedly, the constant nodding of his head visible. I quickened my pace. I had to stop him before he did anything bad to her. I promised myself that I couldn’t let anything bad happen to her. No one would harm that beautiful, little girl. No bastard South  Korean soldier would every lay their filthy hands on her. Never.

 
“STOP!” I screamed suddenly, my throat aching. I couldn’t let her go. “Mei, you need to come back right now.”  

There were few soldiers in sight as I brought myself to their very attention, running forward in my soaking garments, my hair plastering to my face. The man turned to me, chuckling as though he’d just heard a joke. He scanned me up and down, glancing down at Mei before his attention returned to me.


“Lighten up. We’re just going to go play. I‘m not going to do anything wrong,” he replied as he held on to her tightly, squeezing her shoulders. “What are you? Her mother? Sister? Aunt?” I shook my head ‘no’ to each of the titles before he nodded in approval, “It won’t be so hard on you then.”

 

His words brought with it a huge amount of discomfort that did nothing to console my emotions. We couldn’t trust these soldiers, none of them, and knowing that a young girl like Mei did frightened me. I couldn’t help but wonder if the reason she was acting out like this, the reason she was not listening to me was due to all of her emotions caused by the news of her mother’s death. And at that point I knew that Sulli had been right - we should have spoken to her about it.

“Men, why don’t you this prisoner back to the kitchen before she gets any more wet,” he motioned for the soldiers to block me on either side, clawing their nails into my arms painfully as he lifted Mei up and escorted her away once more. 


I followed their orders before anyone could get any more aggravated with my actions, allowing them to drag me away without any problems. Waiting for the moment they became at ease and less alert, I wriggled out of their grasp, running towards where I last saw the man take Mei for any clues as to where they had gone.

It didn’t take long.


I dropped to my knees at the sight of her. I was too late. I couldn’t keep my promise. And as the laughter of the man became all that was audible, the flash of lightening flickered in his eyes, awaiting the crack of thunder. The downpour of the rain increased drastically, as though the sky was crying with me. I had lost a friend. I could have prevented it. I was to blame. 


The blood splattered on his gun dripped onto the ground in the rain, into the pool which surrounded her frozen body. Her smile was missing from her face, her eyes no longer glistening happily. The man paced himself towards me slowly before he spat on me distastefully with venom in his eyes as the tears and raindrops stained my freezing face. I heard him mutter curse words under his breath as two men rushed forward, dragging away Mei’s remains at his order. And as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t stop them, trying to lift myself off the ground, dropping back in failure. She was gone.

Dead.

 
*****


“Get in ! You’ve already caused enough trouble for today,” the soldier spat as he shoved me into the room without warning or the slightest ounce of sympathy.

I crashed to the ground, knocking my head against the hard concrete. And in doing so, I couldn’t help but become reminded of the events that occurred earlier, events that I would never be able to forget. Thoughts of her clouded my mind and the tears spilled out onto my cheeks, tears that couldn’t seem to cease after I saw her fragile body and the blood that flowed from her wounds.

The soldiers dragged me away from the scene as I cried out for her, hoping that in some way she managed to stay alive through the impact of the bullet. It was an unlikely situation that I had never wished was truer than at that point. I couldn’t even face Sulli when I returned, the water dripping from my clothes, blood staining my hands, but somehow she could tell what happened when our eyes met, and the fresh tears of sorrow spilled out onto her cheeks also.

It was a devastating, heartbreaking end for such a young girl, and I would rather have died in her place.

In the despair of the moment, I seemed to have forgotten about General Nichkhun, who stood there, watching over me as he tapped his wristwatch incessantly. I was wrapped up in my own world of sadness and grief, something I was sure he would never have gone through. He hurt others, he was the one who caused grief, and I knew he would never suffer from that same pain.

 
“Get up!” he roared as he stepped towards me, his heavy footsteps echoing off the ground, “I’d expect a little more of a warm welcome in my return.”

A lump stuck to the edge of my throat and caught there, unmoving as I writhed against the ground. He’d caught me off guard and frightened me. And there was nothing I wanted to do less at the moment than face him. I didn’t want to stand before him in my weak state. I wanted to return to the others and let the tears flow until there weren’t any left. I wanted to grieve for Mei, I wanted to be able to tell her I was sorry that I couldn’t protect her.

I could hear Nichkhun’s heavy breaths, and I could sense that he was close. But I was too weak to fight back against him. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked my head up – I was sure he was going to rip the hair from my scalp. My cheeks were damp with the tears as fresh ones hung at the corner of my eyes while he stared at me with such anger and infuriation I was sure I had never seen in him before. His eyes were almost red, fiery, burning with the fuel that my disobeyal had ignited within him.

“I told you to get up!” The impact of his voice blew the curling tendrils from the sides of my face.

I didn’t reply, frozen in my position, sniffing, and my breaths heavy and prolonged. My throat ached from the infinite crying and as much as I attempted to contain myself, I failed. Her mother’s death had changed her. Her death had changed me. 


But it wasn’t long before the General became even more furious.

With his fingers still knotted through my hair, he pulled my quivering, shaking figure from the floor and forced me to stand before him. I wanted to drop my head. I couldn’t look at him. Not when I was so weak and frail. I didn’t want him to think that he had the power to hurt me. Though he did… and it was frightening.


“Victoria! Why aren’t you listening to me?” The tone of his voice seemed to grow louder as his anger increased. He settled his other hand firmly onto my shoulder and shook me, as if in doing so he would be able to ignite a response from within me. His hand tugged harder at my hair, and I couldn’t help but feel the blood drip down the back of my head. At that point, even though I knew of the punishment I would face for my actions, I just wished that I could leave.
 

“You ing !” He spat, the venom seething within his voice as he dropped his hand from my head, the strands spilling out across my face.

The tears didn’t stop spilling from my cheeks as I stood there, taking all of his crap while he tried to break me, and in the process, as he continued to spout those horrible words from between his lips, I came to a realization. I realized that I…I wasn’t the one who caused Mei’s death. He was. That South  Korean soldier had killed her while I could do nothing to stop him. He was the murderer. Not me. He was. Just like every other South  Korean soldier. Just like Nichkhun.

And if he could spout nonsense, if he could insult and hurt me when I had done nothing then I was going to as well.

“You…You’re a bastard.” The words left my lips softly, but the bitterness in my voice, the bitterness and the anger within them was strong. I lifted my head until I was looking straight at him as the tension within the room, the tension between the two of us grew

The redness, the anger, flickered in his eyes. He clenched his teeth together. “The did you just call me?!”

He could say those words, call me those names, and yet, he couldn’t take these insults himself.

“All of you South  Korean soldiers are bastards.” Tears dripped down pale cheeks as my voice shattered, I hated how these soldiers could do this to me, and how they managed to break me down every time I needed to be strong.

“Victoria-”

“You-you killed her…you took her from me,” I tried to say as my voice continued to shatter. “She was just a little girl!”

I lifted my hand, curling my fingers as the blood rushed through me and whacked my fist against his chest, stumbling towards him. Cool wind swirled around the two of us as I lifted my other fist and threw it forward, though it carried no strength, hitting him in the same way the other had.

She wasn’t going to come back. She was gone, and it was all Nichkhun’s fault. Did he get some kind of satisfaction in taking her away? Was he proud? Did he rejoice in knowing that he, his army, had brought me pain? Why did he always want to hurt me? What was it that he had against me? I never did anything to him. I didn’t even know him.

“Mei!” I screamed

 
My legs, weak in the aftermath of my tears and anger, struggled under my weight, my knees almost giving up on me. I gripped onto the General’s shirt, pulling the fabric between my fingers as a tirade of tears flooded down the length of my face. The air only grew colder but the tension seemed to subside.

My face unconsciously buried itself into the General’s shoulder, staining his jacket and shirt with my endless tears. The General, however, didn’t shove me away, leaving me be as the tears streamed with no end. It was as though he was a completely different person. As though the General I knew, we all knew, had been swapped with someone more sincere and understanding. And although I don’t understand why he was being so patient with me, I accepted his sympathy gratefully.

He cleared his throat before the words escaped from his lips very softly. “I’m…I’m sorry.”