We were kicked out to the living room, because Yunho and Changmin were discussing MMORPGs, which made me roll my eyes, and Jae and Yoochun were discussing hair products (I you not). The living room held only one other occupant; Cass lay curled up on the sofa, watching an episode of Metalocalypse. She lifted her head when Junsu and I joined her on the couch. She mewed, stretched out, and went to my lap. I rubbed her back, and she purred in content. “Um, so how do we start?” he asked, staring at the floor again. I felt sorry for him; he had been ignoring me studiously over the past month, and he wasn’t used to speaking with me.

The sympathy went away, and urgency replaced it. “I’m sorry for sleeping with Jae with you here,” I blurted out.

He blinked at me in surprise. “I accept your apology.”

“I didn’t mean for you to walk in on us. That was intended to be a very private moment.” Jesus, was my brain filter going to work at all today? “Junsu…I’m just really sorry.” I sounded like Mia from The Princess Diaries when she was apologizing to Lily for not coming onto her cable show. “I don’t know what else to say, so I’m just sorry. Jae and I aren’t together anymore, so there.” Oh, yeah. The filter was gone. Junsu jerked his head up. “I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I should have said something earlier, but I was trying to make you jealous, and..."

“You’re not seeing each other?”

“No,” I sighed. I decided that I would be honest if my mouth was going to have a mind of its own.

“Really, honest to God?” He had too much hope in his eyes. “You’re not seeing him?”

“Junsu…”

“Hold on a minute.” He didn’t want me ruining his good mood. I couldn’t help but smile weakly at the big grin that was breaking across his face. It was like seeing a light switch on slowly. His face glowed. He was himself again. “She’s not seeing him,” he muttered, as if making sure it all wasn’t a dream. He looked up from his feet. “You said you did it to make me jealous, and I got jealous, so since it worked, does that mean you’re going to stop?”

“We already stopped.” I shrugged. “I think we just said boyfriend and girlfriend in front of you. We never kissed.”

“I knew something was up, but I didn’t want to say anything!” He ran forward suddenly, his arms stretched out, but he stopped midway, blinking furiously. “Right, we…can’t touch. I was going to give you a hug,” he admitted sheepishly, “but that won’t work out, now, will it?” He chuckled bitterly. “That’s okay.” He looked into my eyes, and I could see nothing but sincere joy reflecting back at me. “I’m just really glad you’re not with him anymore.” He grinned. “You don’t know how happy this makes me, Erin!”

“I think I have an idea how you feel, Su.”

His eyes were twinkling. “So are we good again?”

“Mm-hm. As far as I’m concerned, we are good.”

“YAY!” He jumped once; even after all the time I had spent with them, it was still strange to see this action take place and not hear any sound issue from his feet landing back on the carpet. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something for a while, but we got a little sidetracked.” He pointed towards the bedroom. “That painting…how come you painted the meadow and the flower field? You could have painted anything else, but you chose that.” He tilted his head to the side. “Why?”

“ERIN!” Yunho boomed from the bedroom. I jumped slightly. “Where did you put the albums?”

“They’re under my bed,” I yelled back. My friends and family knew how to ruin a good moment. I looked back at Junsu. “It’s a really long story.” Really, I didn’t want to tell him. It would make me look extremely stupid and girly and silly. I didn’t want to come off that way to Junsu. Stupid and silly, I mean. I hope he found me girly.

The words that tumbled from his mouth were the exact same ones Yoochun had told me earlier today. “I’m not getting any older.”

“Well, uh…” Was the room getting hotter? “The meadow symbolizes a certain kind of peace.”

“And the flowers?”

“They’re like my special place…”

“When you roll them into one…” He trailed off, waiting for me to answer.

I blushed.

“The suspense is killing me,” he joked quietly.

“It’s…our special place, you know? It’s that place in my dreams where no one else can touch us. It’s where we go to get away from the rest of the world. When we’re there, I feel…at peace. Complete. And very warm. This world is harsh and cold, and…life isn’t always pretty. In the meadow, it’s always springtime, when the flowers are in bloom and the animals are experiencing love and stuff.” I wrung my hands nervously. “There, it’s always pretty. I wish I could find a place like that in real life…”

Junsu caught one word out of that whole rant. “Our?” he repeated in surprise.

“In dreams, you can be whatever you want,” I explained. “You can go wherever you want, do whatever you want…be with whoever you want. You don’t have to follow any rules; you live out your own life, without any boundaries or anything. I could swim in the deepest ocean or fly over the highest mountain. I could scour the land for buried treasure, or live in a castle. I could be a detective or a pilot or a teacher or a doctor. I could be a superhero and save lives or be a superstar that just came out with a movie.”

“Yet you chose to be with me,” he said carefully. “In our special place.”

“You can do anything in dreams,” I reminded him. “Even be with the dead.”

He stepped closer to me. Taking a minute or so, he was able to place his hands on my cheeks, drawing me to him. Despite the cold, I was feeling very warm, the sensation you get after downing a whole cup of coffee. “Erin,” he began quieter than usual. “When I’m with you…” He stopped, biting his lip. “I feel so alive. I don’t feel like a ghost. I feel like a man. The person who I wanted to be years ago. And…” He laughed. “This sounds stupid in my head.”

“Just say it,” I whispered, touching his chilled fingers.

His eyes flickered from my eyes to the floor and back again. The cycle continued for a moment. “I don’t want it to end,” he managed to choke out. He was getting emotional. “I like spending time with you. Being alone with you is…nice and comforting. Ending that little piece of heaven is like the world ending. That would be very bad, E. I want to keep seeing you when you dream. Not seeing you…it would mean utter destruction.”

I was surprised he could still hear me. “Of what?”

“My soul,” he said simply. “If you were to leave…you’d take my soul with you.”

The feelings inside me were rising to the surface. I blinked back tears and held onto his hands, afraid they were going to slip away from me at any moment. But I wasn’t going anywhere, not yet. And Junsu would never go anywhere ever again. Not if I had any say in where he was going. “Junsu,” I croaked. “Don’t say that.” He couldn’t tie himself to me. I didn’t deserve someone as good as him. Junsu was pure. I was…not.

“But it’s true,” he said desperately. “I want to be honest with you.”

That brought something else forward. “Earlier…you said seeing me with Jaejoong had brought back bad memories.” God, I didn’t want to bring this up, but I was frantic to steer away from the really heavy stuff. I couldn’t take much more of that. “What did you mean by that, exactly?”

He huffed, and looked away, holding back tears. “Really bad things,” he mumbled.

“What was it? Please tell me.”

“I was thinking back to when I died. Yoochun went quickly. He didn’t feel any pain. But me…” He shook his head, revolted at the memory. “I begged them to kill me after I learned what they had in store for me, but they were the scary killers. They wanted the innocent ones to bear all the pain.” He closed his eyes. “That bed…was my dying place. They threw me onto it, and…one of the guys…started messing with me.”

I knew what he meant. “Oh, no…”

“Others beat me to a bloody pulp while he…touched me. He pulled down his pants and shoved his…thing into my mouth. Another one came up behind me and…and…” He bit his lip again. “It hurt so bad, Erin. I thought they were going to kill me, the pain was so bad. I thought that was their plan: me and kill me from exhaustion. It felt like they weren’t going to stop, but they did, leaving me bleeding on the floor. Mr. Ohtsugi found me and…” He gulped. His fingers brushed the tears now falling thickly from my eyes. “He didn’t want to see me die a horrible death. I begged him to kill me, too. And he did. He took the gun they had used to kill Yoochun and put it against my skull. I smiled, knowing that the pain was going to end. And it did.” He took a deep breath, needless but he steadied himself. “Seeing you in that bed…made me remember my final moments. They weren’t happy ones. It was hell. That would have been my hell: seeing men like that in there, hurting people for their own pleasure.”

“Shut up,” I nearly yelled. “I don’t want to hear this! I don’t…”

“You have to, Erin.” He pressed his hands against my skin. “You have to understand why I was the way I was.” His eyes were watering up again. “I want to tell you everything, and you don’t want to listen, and I’m okay with that. But just let me talk. It keeps you with me longer if I talk a lot. You need to hear these things, E, because I won’t keep anything from you.”

All these confessions and admissions were too much for me. I let go of him and curled up on the couch, holding my knees to my chest. He sat beside me, his arms somewhat around my figure. Cass squirmed under my arms, purring and trying to make me happier. The other boys came out with caution written all over them. Yunho was the first to run and hug me, ignoring Junsu completely. Yoochun pulled his friend back as the other two rushed over.

Yunho’s strong arms carried me back to the bedroom and set me down on the sheets. I kept my eyes closed and listened to their conversations outside the door. Nothing was said about me; they stayed away from that taboo-wrought topic. I heard them leave one by one. Yunho came in to check on me before he left, and I pretended to be asleep. Yoochun went downstairs to make sure Jae and Yunho had rides. Changmin only had to take the elevator down.

My mind wanted to escape to the other world. My dream world. Like a child, I cried myself to sleep, knowing that I would “wake up” in my special place, ready to take on the world at a moment’s notice. Junsu being there soothed me a little, and his face had me smiling as I drifted away from my bed.

A waterfall and small lake were added to the dream world’s forest. Junsu waited by the water, his feet bare and submerged. He glanced up at me as I sat beside him, shoeless myself. “It feels really good,” he crooned, splashing slightly. “It’s not cold, but not hot. It’s perfect.” He smirked at me. “You have an excellent imagination, Erin. Thank you for perfecting the water temperature.” He reached for my hand. “Now what did you want to do today? Err, tonight?” He frowned, contemplating the choice of words.

I looked back at the water. “Hmm…”

“I’ve sang to you, played Hide and Seek, chased deer, and lots of other stuff.” He forgot to mention our first encounter. “What would you like to do…today, since it is bright outside and the sun is out?”

“Let’s go swimming!” I exclaimed, throwing out our entwined arms.

“You put in a lake and waterfall,” he said wryly. “I guess you’d like to jump, too?”

His expression was priceless as I started ing my shirt. “You’re supposed to look away,” I said, hitting his shoulder. He obeyed and turned around. I slipped out of my clothes, leaving my bra and on. Grr, my mind went crazy with the lingerie. Today it was pink, lacey and very revealing. Stupid imagination. Before he could sneak a peek, I dove into the water, my figure perfect. I was a diver today, huh? My head broke the surface and I beamed up at him. “Your turn!”

Of course, men never have a problem undressing in front of girls. He flung his shirt, undershirt and jeans next to mine and did a cannonball into the lake. I laughed, shielding my face from the wave of water that gushed at me. He appeared next to me, shaking the water out of his hair. “That was exhilarating!” he yelled. “I want to jump off that really high cliff up there!”

“Go for it!” I treaded in the calm water, watching him scurry up the rocks. He looked like a little monkey doing that. Finally, he held his arms out at the top, looking down at me. Even from this far away, I could make out the smile on his face. “Jump, Junsu!” He bent his legs and leaped over the edge, hollering something unintelligible. It sounded like a Korean phrase. I turned my head away from the wet deluge, and looked back when everything had settled.

He popped his head out, winking at me. I giggled. “That was very fun. I want to do it again!”

“How about we take it slow and swim?” I amended, floating on my back. I forgot about my clothing situation and basked in the sunlight, loving the way the rays felt on my skin. I wanted to tan, but why bother? It was just a dream. I wouldn’t keep it. Junsu’s hands supported me from under my back, and he floated me along the lake, softly singing another song I didn’t know. We eventually backed into the falls, and discovered a little cave, free from the water. He pulled me out of the water, and laid me on his chest. The cave floor was covered in a thick moss, so it didn’t matter where I lay down. It was soft and springy, a bed out in nature. He continued to sing as he ran his fingers through my hair.

“Stolen my soul, stolen my heart, nae ahneh geudaegah nuhmoonah numchyuh
Soomeul swil soojocha ubneungulyo naerin bireul mateun sheechuhrum
Daejee wee eh bboorin sahrang chuhrum, tonight…”

He stopped, and I felt his gaze fall on me. He moved me off his chest uncertainly, only to turn me towards his serious expression. “Erin…can I kiss you?”

I righted myself, squinting from the blinding sunlight. “Junsu…” I didn’t hesitate at all. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he pulled me closer to him. The kiss was wet (we were in a rather damp grotto, after all), but very, very sweet. That weird and wonderful taste came from him: peanut butter and chocolate. It was like eating a Reese’s cup. He shyly ran his tongue over my bottom lip, and I opened my mouth. He wasn’t an experienced kisser, but I could teach him. I reversed our roles and sensually delved into the sweet taste of his mouth, exploring it thoroughly. He trembled and tried to pull me closer.

Why couldn’t life ever be this wonderful? This…romantic? Why did it have to be a cruel monster that mocked me at every turn I took? It laughed at me, pointed fingers at me, and teased me. I wanted it all: an apartment of my own, good grades in schools, a decent amount of friends, a career, and a loving boyfriend. One, two, and three were complete. I was working on four. But I would never get five.

The person I wanted more than anything was dead.

I woke up with the taste of peanut butter in my mouth. Junsu looked up at my painting, tracing something with his fingers. I gasped.

A waterfall and lake had been added to the background. But we were the only ones that had known about that! No one else could have seen…unless…

It was magical?

That wouldn’t be too surprising. After all, I lived with two ghosts, and was currently “seeing” one in a dream world. Like Jaejoong had said, it would explain a lot. I wouldn’t be too shocked, but it would be something. “You saw it, too,” he said in wonder, tracing the foamy waters that formed at the foot of the falls. He ran his fingertip along everything. “They even got the cave behind the waterfall, whoever did this. Look, E. You can barely see it, but it’s there.”

“That is so…weird.” I got up to stretch. My clothes fell onto the carpet. He looked back at me, and his lips parted slightly. “Err…” I looked down at myself, a faint blush creeping across my skin. “I think I need to use the restroom.” I hurried to shut the door behind me. Yoochun watched me curiously as I changed (no longer caring that he watched me) into actual clothes. “Don’t ask.”

“I wasn’t going to.” He studied me carefully. “It kills him that you don’t raise hell over my watching you get dressed.”

“You don’t like me,” I pointed out.

He raised an eyebrow. “How do you know that?”

If I were any other girl, I’d swoon at the prospect of having two ghosts after me. However, Yoochun knew how I felt about Junsu, and I figured he was probably just teasing me. “Because you’re you. You’re Park Yoochun, the most erted ghost of all time. You’re just flirting with me shamelessly. I won’t raise hell if Junsu decides to engage you in a ghostly showdown.” I tugged my T-shirt over my head. “We have a slight problem on our hands, anyway. Did you touch my painting?”

“No,” he said, his brow furrowing. “Is it gone?”

“Oh, hell no. I’d be blowing a gasket if it was. No, something was added to it.”

“When?”

“Last night.” He was looking too…nonchalant. “You’re hiding something from me.”

“Nope, I’m keeping a secret,” he corrected.

“Yoochun! What was added to that painting is very private! How can anyone know?”

“I don’t know what was added to it. All I know is that something was added to it.”

“Yoochun!”

“My lips…” He made a zipping motion with his fingers. “Are sealed.”