Minho: Have you eaten already?

Kibum glances down at his phone screen, lips pursed as he debates on whether or not he's in a good enough place to go off and have lunch with the taller boy. They've already passed enough time in their first term that projects are being assigned and stressed over, and Kibum's got bandages on his fingertips from where he'd pricked himself with needles while trying to get his chosen fabric swatches to cooperate. It's been frustrating, to say the least; and mostly because Kibum has no real idea of what it is that he wants to produce. The previous year, Jonghyun had been who his ideas were centered around; but this year, he can't even begin to envision the outcome of his project.

Kibum: No. Busy. You?

He's not really sure why he's asking Minho whether he ate or not. After all, it's not really his business, is it? Minho's a grown boy, can figure out how to take care of himself. What does it matter that the boy's been out of the dorm and busy rehearsing lines for his major's first upcoming theater production; which, by the way, Minho's been cast the lead in.

There's no answer from the tall boy; and, puzzled, Kibum pockets his phone and turns back to the mannequin he'd been staring at for the past hour with no ideas for. His hands come to rest on his hips, a deep groan of irritation slipping past his lips that he knows is aimed towards Minho and not the mannequin.

If he wasn't going to answer, why would he text Kibum to begin with?

Their friendship, if you can call it that, has been getting more and more frustrating for Kibum as time had gone on. Minho checks in on him throughout the day, even though they share a room, reminds him to eat something if he's been playing his video games long enough that he's forgotten, ruffles his hair when he's first woken up in the morning and sitting grumpily on his bed as he waits for Jonghyun to get out of the bathroom.

He's not sure why Minho's been so clingy lately, but he can't pretend that the smallest part of him likes the attention. After breaking up with Jonghyun, Minho's presence in his life is a welcome addition, especially seeing as Minho himself doesn't seem to be expecting much from him.

On the other hand, things have changed for Kibum, as well. It's a slight change, he thinks, but his thoughts that have been recently circulating around Jonghyun and their breakup don't linger for as long as they had. Perhaps it's because of that one conversation he'd had with Minho, feeling his heartbeat and letting his gentle calmness wash over him.

His fingertips are tingling as he even thinks about it, about how strong and real Minho's felt beneath their touch.

"Hey. What are you doing?" An alarmed voice calls, and Kibum looks up to see Minho staring at him, aghast.

When he glances down, he notes the blood on his fingertips. What he had thought was tingling as he recalled that strange conversation, was actually because he hadn't been paying attention and had pricked his fingers with his sowing needle.

"Oh." Kibum says, dropping the needle. He had just taken a bandage off a little while ago from an older prick, and finds himself frustrated at his lack of care. It's embarrassing to have been caught with an injury; and by Minho, no less.

Minho steps over to him briskly, the paper bag clutched in his hand crumpled as he grabs Kibum's free wrist and tugs him over to the workshop's sink. Kibum wants to stop him, remind him that he's used to work injuries and knows how to take care of himself, but finds his mouth drying as he watches Minho place the crumpled bag by the side of the sink and wash his bloodied fingers.

Why had Minho even showed up at his workshop, anyway? According to Minho, he was going to be out rehearsing until late every night during this week, leading up to his first theater performance of the year. How did he even have time to swing to the cafeteria, get food, and then bring it to Kibum?

And then that gets replaced with another question. Why did Minho decide to take time out of his day to do all this for Kibum, especially as they rarely get along?

When Minho's satisfied by his cleaning job of Kibum's fingers, he finally releases Kibum's hand and takes the bag again, heading back in the direction of the station Kibum had been using.

Baffled, maybe a little blindsided by Minho's appearance today, Kibum is silent as he follows the tall boy. All of a sudden, he's nervous. His mannequin is half complete and the style just isn't where he wants it, but for whatever reason, Minho's opinion of it is something Kibum wants to hear.

"Is this something you made for hyung?" Minho asks, his shoulders a little tense as he glances over the half-made outfit.

It's a white jacket with broad shoulders and golden embellishments that go from its shoulders down to its midsection. While Jonghyun is known for wearing flashy clothes, looking at it makes Kibum frown. For whatever reason, he just can't imagine Jonghyun in it; perhaps because the elder just isn't a fan of long coats or because he always claims that too much gold makes his eyes hurt.

Kibum's eyebrows furrow at Minho's tone, then widen at the implication. Had he actually designed this with Jonghyun in mind after all, even without knowing it?

"It wasn't supposed to." Kibum says honestly, glancing down at his notebook with a frustrated little groan. At this point, he might as well consider himself obsessed with his ex.

It's Minho's turn to be silent as he opens the paper bag and pulls out two partially smooshed sandwiches. He places the better looking one down and pushes it lightly in Kibum's direction, even as his cloudy expression remains.

"Seriously, Min. I guess it's just a habit." Kibum says quietly, perturbed by his own defense of it.

Minho glances back at him, staring for a long moment as if he's debating on the truth of Kibum's statement; but he relents, shoulders deflating from their tense posture as he reaches for Kibum's notebook and slides it closer to himself.

"I like the detail on the cuffs." Minho murmurs, then, his fingers gently tracing the outline of the jacket's arms in the notebook.

Kibum glances down at the paper again, his lips curved ever so slightly into a grin. Of course Minho would like them. He likes bold statements like these, and the arms are meant to be nice and snug around his mus-

Wait.

He looks it over again, then glances over at the mannequin to double check his observations. Finally, he glances over at Minho, whose focus is entirely on the half devoured sandwich that's in his mouth.

Kibum glances over to the mannequin again, feeling his throat dry up.

Of course he can't imagine Jonghyun wearing this jacket.

He'd unknowingly designed the jacket with someone else in mind entirely.

Those broad shoulders, the long arms, the embellishments on the chest, the length of the jacket itself.

It's not Jonghyun's style at all, Kibum realizes. It's Minho's. Minho, who has the poise of a prince and the charms that come with it. Minho, with broad shoulders and big hands, with a well toned waist.

"Oh my god." He says in horror.

When? How? Why? What?

This can't be happening. When had he even entertained the idea of Minho has his model?

Minho's head snaps toward him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as Kibum continually mutters to himself in absolute bafflement.

"Did you finally snap?" Minho asks, leaning away ever so slightly like he's ready to run in case Kibum throws another punch at him.

Kibum turns back to him, silent as he takes the tall boy in. His heart isn't feeling any different than usual, he thinks. It's not like he's in love with his roommate.

Right?

It's too soon. At least for Kibum, it is. He's never been one to date much, and his relationship with Jonghyun has given him enough insecurities that he's against even the idea of seeing someone he considers as a friend.

"I think I am." Kibum confirms, because he has no idea how to decipher his own thoughts now.

Minho's lips purse like he's trying to gauge Kibum's admission, but as he works up a retort, his phone vibrates and he pulls it out of his pocket to check. Kibum tries desperately not to watch his thick thumb swipe at his screen.

"Taem says they put up the schedule for their showcase's prequalifying round. He's up with Jongin today and Jonghyun's up today. Do you want to go see them?"

Kibum is slightly surprised that Minho's got time away from his own schedule and is planning to go support them; but it makes sense. Minho's always been the extremely supportive friend in their group, easily pushing his own responsibilities aside to cheer on the rest.

Kibum glances at his design one more time, then decides he probably needs the break to reorganize his thoughts.

"Let's go together." Kibum suggests.

Minho's a little surprised by Kibum's offer to go together; but when his lips curve into a soft, slight smile, Kibum is forced to recognize the way his heart feels warm. 

Making his way to the performance building's auditorium with Kibum at his side is a foreign but welcome feeling for Minho. Well, at his side might be a stretch, considering Kibum's just trailing after him by a few feet. Minho's not entirely sure why Kibum's acting so skittish, only that other students might get the wrong idea if they find Kibum cowering behind him like he's having his life threatened by the tall boy.

He stops for a moment, waiting until Kibum walks into his back with a quiet yelp, then turns and grabs onto his wrist when the slighter boy tips backward so that he doesn't bruise himself.

Kibum looks flustered when he stands back upright, his eyes darting around to make sure no one's seen his moment of weakness. Minho grins at his show of bashfulness.

"Why are you so nervous?" Minho asks; and then, he remembers who they're about to see.

He realizes, with his heart clenching, that they're about to go see Jonghyun perform. Kibum's expressed it once before, and Minho's also admitted to it; but Jonghyun's stage presence is all together consuming, and it can be overwhelming to see him perform, even on a small stage like this one. Who knows how Kibum's heart will feel upon seeing him on stage again. Just because he's moving on, in his own pace, doesn't mean he's fully let go yet.

Kibum hisses as he pulls his wrist out of Minho's grasp, his eyes narrowed up at him,

"Why are you treating my wrist like a dumbell? Don't you know how strong your grip is? What if you leave a mark?"

Leave a mark? If only he could.

He catches the thought, his eyes widening as he mentally berates himself for taking Kibum's innocent statement there. He turns, clearing his throat in a desperate attempt to will his cheeks from heating up. How could he explain his reaction to Kibum if the slighter were to bring it up? That's all he needs for their ever-so-fragile friendship to shatter right then and there.

"I didn't want you pulling me down with you if you fell. I'll care less next time."

It's all he can say to keep his composure. He continues on in the direction of the auditorium, clearing his throat once more. Kibum's following him, but this time he's a lot nearer. Just a footstep behind him, as it seems. If he glances over his shoulder, he'll make eye contact. If he really wants to, he could lean down whatever space is between them and --

No. He stops himself right there.

It's not that he lacks confidence. He knows he can win Kibum's affections and keep them. They balance each other out, always have. Even during the worst of their arguments, Minho's always known how much Kibum is needed in his life. They can bicker all day every day, and they're exceptionally good at pinpointing each other's weakness and using them against each other; but at the end of the day, Minho needs Kibum. He needs Kibum in the way the sea needs the shore. He needs Kibum, in the way the earth needs the wind.

But he knows it's too soon. Kibum's still learning, still moving on. Even if Minho were to make a move now, he couldn't compete with the ghost of the slighter's relationship. He needs to move on, needs to be given the time to do so. Minho could stay by his side and hold his hand to guide him through; but they can't have a relationship if Kibum's still holding onto his last one.

And Minho wouldn't want it that way, anyway. He's greedy and competitive enough to know he'll never be satisfied if he won Kibum over while he was still clinging to Jonghyun.

Still, it doesn't stop the yearning of his heart. It doesn't stop him from wanting to hold Kibum's hand as they're walking on campus. It doesn't stop him from wanting to pepper the slighter's blemish-free face with kisses. It doesn't stop the way he wants for nothing more than the ability to hold him at night as they dozed off into their respective dream worlds.

He sighs at the thought of it - of how far away that kind of life seems to be for them.

He doesn't realize his sigh is that loud until he feels Kibum's hand on his arm. His gaze snaps to the side, footsteps stilling, as he notes Kibum is finally walking beside him and not behind him. His eyebrows are drawn in obvious concern, the spark of guilt evident in his brown eyes.

"Why are you sighing that hard? Did I really bother you because I almost fell?" He sounds bewildered by his own question, by what it seems to imply.

"Even if you fall, I'd be here to catch you." Minho replies easily, shrugging his broad shoulders.

Kibum's mouth opens in shock, and Minho replays what he's said. Apparently, despite knowing how he shouldn't be making moves, his mind and body are defying him.

Before he can say anything, like something snappy to distract Kibum from what he's said, he sees Jonghyun. The elder is walking towards the auditorium himself, acoustic guitar on his back and his hands tucked into his pockets. He's just a few feet ahead of them, turning his head to see them just as they've seen him.

Jonghyun grins; the same nervous but excited grin he always has on his face before he performs. Even Minho's heart flutters a little when he sees it. It's not possible to remain stoic when someone sees just how much passion Jonghyun has for his craft.

"Did you come early to see Taemin too?" Jonghyun asks, glancing over their shoulders at the building they're all heading to.

"He's only been bragging about his performance with Jongin for weeks." Kibum answers with a roll of his eyes. He's been avoiding Jonghyun's gaze, which is normal for him, but is the bitter reminder Minho needs about the situation to force his mind off of the subject of wooing the boy.

Jonghyun seems to be even more surprised than Minho that Kibum's even addressing him without the bitterness he's been holding for the elder as of late, but not Minho. Whatever it was that Kibum had seen that day Minho caught him snooping in Jonghyun's notebook seemed to have inspired him to loosen up a little around him. Enough to have Kibum go and see him perform, with Minho and Jin- wait.

"Hey," Minho says, as he thinks back to the text he'd received from Taemin,

"Did anyone tell hyung about this?"

Kibum's eyes widen, which tells Minho he'd forgotten all about the elder after all, but he'd only heard about the performance himself a little while ago.

Jonghyun pulls his phone out and waves it in the air, "Who do you take me for? I invited hyung directly. I didn't want him feeling left out."

Kibum's lips purse into a thin line, for whatever reason; but Minho is relieved to hear Jonghyun's admission. Jinki had been terrified about being left out, had given them that reason as to why he'd never said anything to them until recently. They might want to protect his feelings in their own way, but Jinki's always been the strongest one of them, and would only ever want to be there cheering the others on as part of the crowd even if he weren't participating.

"I should get in there to warm up." Jonghyun says all of a sudden, his shoulders lifting as he takes in a deep breath and releases it. He's a bundle of nerves now, possibly feeling more pressure than before in knowing that Jinki's going to be there to watch him.

"Good luck." Minho says as Jonghyun turns and heads into the building.

Minho and Kibum are a lot slower to trail in, because there's still a decent amount of time before Taemin's up on stage with Jongin. They don't even need to be worried about him, because Taemin's a strong performer and he's got Jongin with him to keep him balanced and focused.

"Minnie." Kibum says all of a sudden, and Minho is careful as he glances at Kibum out of the corner of his eye.

He doesn't want to make any more slip-ups today.

"Yeah?" Minho returns, and he reaches for the door to the auditorium, holding it open so that Kibum can pass him.

"I expected it to hurt more than it does, being so close to him." Kibum admits, and there's a surge of affection in Minho's chest.

Does that mean ... that Kibum's finally learning to let go, at least just a little bit?

Taemin watches Jongin from where he's sat on the floor, stretching his legs out. Jongin's a little high strung right now, which is typical for him before a performance. He's a little bit of a perfectionist in that way.

He finds himself checking his phone again. Minho says he's on his way with Kibum, so he's relieved he only sent one message for the two of them to share. Jonghyun is also on his way, heading early to watch his performance even though he's soon after. Jinki -- no response.

He hadn't really expected a response from Jinki either way, but hopes to see the oldest of his friends in the crowd anyway. It might be painful for Jinki to be there when he can't perform, but he's never let anything stop him from supporting someone else.

There's a deep sigh resonating from his chest, his head falling forward as he prepares. He knows he can do it; and yet, why is he so unsure of himself? He's been dancing longer than he's been walking, and he has Jongin with him.

Jongin, who's heard his sigh and has paused from his own pre-performance rituals and is heading over in his direction. Jongin, who sits directly across from him and places a hand in his hair because he knows the action soothes him.

Jongin, who is smiling so gently when he looks up, and asks,

"What can I do to put your mind at ease?"

Which is so sweet, such a Jongin-like question, that Taemin is left staring at him for a moment or two too long. He feels like he's drowning in the endless brown pools that are Jongin's eyes.

"Taem?" Jongin tries again when there's no answer, shifting forward ever so slightly.

His coming closer is what drags Taemin's attention from his eyes to his lips, noting with surprise that they're just the slightest bit parted. It would be so, so easy to slot his own lips between them.

His eyes flicker back up to meet Jongin, noting that his friend's eyes are also dragging back up to meet his. Are his eyes playing tricks on Taemin, or does Jongin also look like he's thinking about pressing their lips together?

And then the doors to the dance studio that they're having their last few moments to practice in before their first performance open. They don't jump apart, but it's a near thing. Thankfully, their instructor doesn't even seem to notice.

"Alright, gentlemen. You're up next." They tell the pair, looking all kinds of nervous even though they're not the one performing.

Its not an actual competition, and it never has been; but the yearly showcases and performances leading up to them are important in that big music companies often send talent scouts and others to keep an eye on upcoming talents. Jonghyun's been scouted before, as well as Jinki. This is the first year he's qualified to being scouted, since first years are only eligible to perform without that added pressure on them.

In truth, Taemin should probably be more nervous than he is, too. He shouldn't feel this carefree.

"Are you ready?" Taemin asks as he stands up, noting that Jongin's face is setting in determination. He's much like Taemin in that he's always ready to perform, but those nerves from earlier seem to be amplified on his expression.

Jongin looks at him quietly, then ducks his head and nods. When he looks back up on him, his gaze is so intent that Taemin feels like he's being electrified.

Just what is that look about, anyway?

He doesn't get the chance to ask. They're ushered into the auditorium next door, in the wings of the stage where they can watch the crowd without being seen by the crowd. He takes the chance to scan it, finding Minho, Kibum, and Jonghyun sitting up front and center the way he'd expected them to.

No Jinki, he realizes, his heart sinking. He shouldn't be as disappointed by it as he is.

Jongin notices, looks out into the crowd past where his own friends are sitting, and points Taemin all the way to the back of the auditorium, where Jinki's slouching figure can still be seen.

"He came." Taemin breathes out in relief, his lips curled into a wide grin.

When he looks back at Jongin, he finds that same grin is mirrored on his friend's face.

"If you forget any of the moves, just follow my lead." Jongin says to him, a teasing bite to his tone.

Taemin laughs, reaching out to clasp his hand around Jongin's and give it a firm squeeze,

"Just don't go and slow me down."

Jongin squeezes his hand in turn, and then they're up on stage.

Their performance itself passes by in a blur. They're both practiced enough and relaxed enough that there was really no question of whether or not they'd do well to begin with. Jongin leads, Taemin follows, the crowd cheers as they successfully complete their spin and jump. Jonghyun's hollering from the front row like the embarrassing friend he can be; and though he can't really see Jinki in the back row, the elder's face has what can only be a smile on it.

When it ends, with both Taemin and Jongin panting as they bow, hands clasped together as they take in the audience's loud cheers, Taemin feels at peace. He's always felt like he was made to perform, but it feels so much more natural when he's performing with Jongin.

They get backstage, and their instructor is waiting for them with a wide grin on their face. There's even a few tears leaking from their eyes, the pride overflowing from their expression.

"You two are a shoo-in this year, and that's for sure." The instructor alerts them, like it wasn't made obvious already by all the cheer they'd received on stage.

After the instructor walks away, Taemin turns to Jongin in excitement,

"Did you hear that? We did great!"

But he doesn't realize how close they had been. He hadn't even realized that they were holding hands. All he knows is that one moment, he's excitedly walking backstage with Jongin, and in the next moment, their lips are actually touching.

He's not actually entirely sure on how it happens, or whether Jongin had been moved by the moment; but his childhood friend's hand is curled into the hair at the nape of Taemin's neck, head tilted ever so slightly as he holds Taemin close and kisses him.

Its nothing rough, simply just a brush of their lips; and still, Taemin's breath is pulled right out of his body.

His own lips are returning the kiss, as if upon instinct. Jongin tastes like the fruit-flavored gum he had been chewing before their performance, and their lips are slotted together seamlessly like they were meant for this closeness.

"There you are! You were ama-" Joonmyeon's voice gets cut off abruptly, possibly because he's walked in on them locking lips.

Also, possibly because Baekhyun had slapped a hand over his mouth as if he could prevent the moment from ending. His efforts are in vain, though.

Jongin steps away from Taemin, cheeks rosy and eyes downcast. He looks shy, embarrassed, endearing. Taemin's heart flutters as he watches in fond amusement.

"Sorry. I don't know what came over me." Jongin sputters out, one hand rubbing the back of his neck as he throws a dirty little glare in Baekhyun and Joonmyeon's direction.

The two are just barely stifling their snickers, Taemin realizes. Taemin just considers them lucky that it was Jongin's friends that had caught them and not Taemin's more embarrassing friend group.

But Taemin, still a little blindsided by the kiss, is unable to think up a response to it. Is it okay for them to like each other like this when they grew up so close? And after seeing what happened to Jonghyun and Kibum, can he really risk liking someone he was friends with for so long?

His silence drags on so long that Jongin's bashful smile loses its mirth and starts to turn into horror.

"Did - did you not -?"

To hell with it, Taemin thinks. He can't be the reason Jongin stops smiling. Not now, not ever.

He grabs hold of Jongin's jacket lapel, pulls him closer, and kisses him. This kiss has less hesitation than the first, makes him feel clumsy and like he just can't get enough.

"Can you not create a soft core o in public, please?!" Bellows Baekhyun as he and Joonmyeon hurriedly separate the pair.

Though unwilling, they part and head their separate ways. There's a shy little smile on Jongin's face as he says he'll text Taemin later, and then he's glaring at whatever Baekhyun is saying into his ear as he's dragged out of the auditorium. Joonmyeon's following behind them, looking a little like he's been traumatized.

Taemin's torn between being frustrated by being separated by Jongin's friends and amused at causing their trauma. 

Jonghyun takes in a deep breath, feeling the tips of his fingers where his callouses are firm reminders that he's done this enough times that he really doesn't have a reason to be as nervous as he is.

Perhaps it's because he can see Jinki, even though he's sitting so far in the back of the auditorium. He's sure that Jinki is just such a distinct presence in his life that he'd be able to see the elder if they were planets apart.

Even from such a distance away, he can see the way Jinki holds a thumb up, and that's all he really needs for that nervous energy from before to fade into nothingness.

Because as long as he has Jinki nearby, Jonghyun can handle anything.

He's brought back to their first year together, to one of their regular performances. He'd prepared a song back then, a cover that would allow him to use his emotional tones to the best of his ability.

Though Jonghyun loved to perform, and loved the way his raw emotions moved hearts, performances like these, in front of hundreds of faces were the scariest for him. Especially when he remembered that some of those very faces were going to decide on his fate in the music career he was working so hard to get to.

Jinki was on to perform later on in the day, and had no real reason to be there with him; but Jonghyun had found himself floundering when he got backstage to find the elder there. There was a smile on his face, one that seemed to know the secrets that Jonghyun hid so well deep in his heart.

"What are you doing here?" Jonghyun asks, fiddling with the strap of the guitar hung over his shoulder. In moments like these, his hands are extremely fidgety. It's a habit he's yet to break.

Jinki glances over into the audience, then turns back to him and takes a few strides to close the distance between them. Jonghyun's heart picks up its pace as Jinki clasps their hands together, bringing them toward his chest. His head is angled forward as well, their foreheads meeting in the middle.

Jonghyun's eyes close as soon as they touch, and just this simple act of closeness with Jinki is enough to ease him and reassure him that he'll be okay.

"You're Kim Jonghyun," Jinki's gentle voice reminds him, sounding so melodic and confident in Jonghyun's ringing ears.

"You're Kim Jonghyun, and you were born to make music."

Which gives Jonghyun the confidence he needs to pull himself together. Jinki always seems to know what to say, and how to say it, to remind Jonghyun of who he is. Even when Jonghyun doesn't know why he's down on himself, Jinki's always seemed to just know. Like he's some sort of mind-reader. Or, like he just knows Jonghyun.

"Are you going to stay?" Jonghyun finds himself asking, and he turns away bashfully. Jinki isn't really the type to and he knows it, but it's still somewhat embarrassing for him to be acting so clingy at their age, right?

Jinki, however, lifts a single hand and cards his slightly stubby, beautiful fingers through Jonghyun's hair. He doesn't say anything for a moment, just takes his time fixing Jonghyun's hair because he must have mussed it up when he was stressing himself out earlier.

"Would I ever leave you?" Jinki retorts, like it should be obvious.

Which usually can't be a certainty. Especially not with people. Anything can happen to a relationship, and Jonghyun knows this. He knows he's had friends as a child that he doesn't have now as an adult. He knows he can lose everyone he's ever loved at any given time. But he finds himself believing Jinki. Jinki, who is loyal, who is always there with him at his weakest of moments. If he can't believe in Jinki, and the vows made by those plump lips, what can he believe in?

So, Jonghyun just grins. He grins, and Jinki grins, and that's all that's said about it.

This time, Jinki's part of the crowd, rather than in the back with Jonghyun. He's so far, yet that simple hand motion is enough that Jonghyun knows he'll be okay. Which is probably silly, thinking about it; after all, it's been so long since their first years that Jonghyun shouldn't still feel the need for Jinki's comfort for such a minor performance; and yet, he doesn't think he can even step foot on stage without knowing Jinki is nearby.

"Jonghyun?" A girl from a year below his calls out, and Jonghyun turns to see her standing by the curtain, holding a clipboard close to her chest. She's smiling, like she can smell the nervousness on his body,

"You're up. You'll be great."

Which was a needed little act of affirmation, he thinks, as he steps foot onto the stage. The lights are blaring in his eyes, and it's so hot that he's sweating despite wearing a tank top. There are so many faces in this crowd; some new, others he's seen time and time again since his first year.

"Hi," he says, and he cringes when he hears just the slightest crack of his voice. He hopes no one else has paid enough attention to it that it's obvious.

He clears his throat, takes a breath, and tries again,

"This is a song I wrote called Monodrama."

And then he gets into it. The words come so easily, so naturally, and the notes that are played by his fingers are smooth, effortless. Like Jinki's said to him multiple times, and like he's known for his entire life, Jonghyun was born to make music. It's where he's happiest, and where he knows he'll want to be forever. The crowd is getting into the song, which is a relief for him as a songwriter. It's a fear for anyone that what they create isn't well received by someone they're trying so hard to impress.

But they like his song. No, they love it, judging by how people are standing, waving phone flashlights as they try to follow his lyrics. It's a touching sight, causes Jonghyun's lips to curl into a grin. The very fact that he can connect with his audience is what makes him love performing so much to begin with. It feels like they're sharing experiences, sharing stories. He finds his eyes roaming, looking for a specific person, because he just needs to know what they think.

He locks eyes with Jinki again; but this time, Jinki isn't showing a thumbs up. There are actual tears on his face, even as he smiles along with the crowd and even as he swings his phone's flashlight along with everyone else. Jonghyun nearly falters as he watches, feels his heart shatter again for the millionth time since Jinki's told them that he can't sing anymore.

Jonghyun feels greedy. He shouldn't have invited Jinki. He shouldn't have pressured Jinki into being there, knowing how hard of a time he's been having in accepting his condition.

It's not really fair to think so, considering how hurt Jinki would have been if he hadn't been invited, but Jonghyun hates that look of defeat that's swimming in Jink's eyes, made evident even under the blare of the stagelights.

The end of his song can't come fast enough, all of a sudden. It stops, people are giving him a standing ovation; and yet, Jonghyun just can't seem to move fast enough to get off the stage and look for Jinki. Jinki, whose disappeared the moment Jonghyun's song had ended and slipped into the crowd because it's so easy for him to blend in.

He hurries outside, ignoring Minho's calling of his name and pretending Kibum's not watching him with those sharp eyes the way he always seems to be. He ignores Taemin, who had been on earlier and was probably waiting to hear some sort of feedback even though he knew his performance was incredible like it always was.

When he finally gets outside, Jinki is there. Jinki is standing just outside the performance building. The sun has set already, the streetlights on and basking Jinki's frame with what may just be an angelic glow. He has his head tilted back, eyes closed like he's willing his tears to dry. He looks devastatingly handsome, Jonghyun thinks.

"Hyung." He calls, and Jinki's head turns almost instantaneously.

There's a little smile on his face, but it doesn't reach his eyes. It's hollow, Jonghyun realizes with his heart constricting.

"You were great up there, Jonghyunie." Jinki tells him, like he thinks Jonghyun was just looking for validation.

He's silent as he looks for something to say. He needs something that doesn't have Jinki feeling worse about his condition, but is there really such a thing? Is there anything that can be said to someone who looks so defeated?

That night, when everyone is asleep, or assumed to be asleep, Jinki steps out of their suite. He feels suffocated again, much like he's been feeling regularly. On one hand, his friends are so extremely talented and he's so proud of them for always working on their crafts until they find it perfected. On the other hand? Jinki is jealous.

Jealous, because Taemin moves so effortlessly and his voice is so soft and can cut through the air in such a way that anyone is drawn to it. Jealous, because Jonghyun can move an entire audience with just the power of his words, and then to add that with the sensuality of his voice so perfectly. Jinki wishes for nothing but to be able to be on that stage with them,  even though he knows that dream is over and that he should just move on from it.

It's not anyone's fault and he knows it. He just doesn't know how to accept the reality of the situation yet, and he doesn't know how to accept his friends' kindness as anything other than pity yet. 

The door opens behind him, and Jinki turns his head to find Taemin there. Taemin had looked exhausted earlier, so Jinki really hadn't expected to run into him of all people. His lips curl upwards in spite of himself, making space on the bench that's right outside of their dorm building.

Taemin takes it, hands in the pockets of his hoodie as he closes his eyes and lets the night's breeze wash over him.

"Have you ever gotten a second opinion?" Taemin asks, wasting no time on small talk and nervous smiles,

"About your voice?"

Jinki is startled by the question, turns to Taemin with an eyebrow raised like he doesn't understand why Taemin's choosing to bring the subject up now out of all times.

Taemin is silent, waiting for an answer.

"No." Jinki admits with a little sigh, and he turns his head back to where he'd been watching one of the trees in the distance

"I didn't want to get my hopes up for nothing."

Even without saying anything, Jinki can imagine the way Taemin's thinking he's ridiculous. Anyone else in their group would have gone for multiple opinions before giving up. Not Jinki, though; because even Jinki could admit that he was just a coward when it came to himself. In his relationships with other people and his relationship with his own body.

"Do you know Hyoyeon? Taeyeon's friend." Taemin's asking now, and he digs a little piece of paper out of his pocket,

"She had nodes last year and had two rounds of surgery, too. Maybe you should reach out to her doctor, see if your career really is meant to end here."

Jinki stares at the offered piece of paper with hesitation. Of course he knows about Hyoyeon's situation. He'd been tempted to ask her about it previously, but it was back when he'd kept it a secret and didn't want for anyone to worry over him. It's too late for that now, but his attempts to protect himself have to have accounted for something, right?

"Take it." Taemin prompts, his tone just a little more strict.

So, Jinki does. Even though he doesn't want to. Even though he's so scared about his own future and where it'll lead him.

"I know that you're scared, hyung," Taemin says into the darkness of the night, and his arm wraps around Jinki's shoulder, pulling him closer into his side like he's the older brother in this situation,

"But you and I both know you were never meant to be an engineer."

Which, in spite of his situation, makes Jinki crack a grin. Yeah. He knows he was never meant to be one of them. He was drawn to the stage ever since he was a child, and found himself feeling empty now without it. He might be smart, or might have been smart enough to pursue a traditional career, but that's not where his heart longed to be.

"Thanks, Taeminnie." Jinki mutters, his eyes falling shut as Taemin squeezes at his shoulders one more time.

"Jongin kissed me today." Taemin changes the subject, and Jinki's eyes round as he turns to the youngest of their group in surprise,

"I kissed him, too."

"You sound a little confused about it." Jinki notes, but it kind of makes sense, in a way. 

It's hard to go from being friends, best friends, with someone, into a relationship. Jonghyun and Kibum had tried and failed at it, and they'd all been there for the aftermath.

"I'm a little terrified." Taemin admits, and he lets go of Jinki's shoulder, wringing his hands together in that way he does when he gets nervous.

"But isn't that what's fun about falling in love?" Jinki asks, nudging Taemin's shoulder with his own and grinning a little when Taemin shoots him a confused look in response,

"You never know what's at the end of the fall."

Taemin rolls his eyes, scoffing a little like Jinki's being overly cheesy again. He's about to say something about it when the door to their building opens again, and there's Jonghyun holding up a jacket. Jinki realizes as he sees it that it's his own, and that he'd come out in just a tee shirt and shorts.

"How come you always know what to say to other people when you don't know your own feelings?" Taemin asks, just loud enough for only Jinki to hear.

Jinki blinks as Taemin stands up, confused and a little frustrated. Why does he care so much about his feelings, anyway?

"Night, hyungs!" Taemin calls, patting Jonghyun once on the shoulder before he disappears inside.

Jinki shakes his head as Jonghyun steps closer to him, his face wrinkled in confusion.

"Don't ask." Jinki groans, running a hand through his hair. His hand is a lot colder than he thought it would be, and he'd only been out here for a little while.

Jonghyun is silent as he takes the seat, though he does drape Jinki's jacket over his shoulders. He seems to have a lot on his mind, Jinki thinks. He might have something to do with it, he thinks guiltily. He remembers Jonghyun rushing out of his performance just to check on him, and how angry he'd been at himself for making the boy worry.

"You know-"

"About earlier-"

They're speaking at once, then turning to look at each other in surprise. They fall silent for a long beat, then crack grins almost simultaneously.

"You first." Jinki offers, his smile turning fond as he watches Jonghyun at his lips. His eyes are drawn to the sight momentarily, and he forces himself to look away before he can get caught.

"I was thinking about how you looked earlier, after my performance," Jonghyun begins, and his hand is twitching forward like he just wants to be touching Jinki,

"And - well, I know how painful it is for you to be at the shows right now. So I - I won't blame you if you want to take a step away."

Which Jonghyun means to be a mercy, Jinki thinks. It's not like he hid how miserable he'd been, watching from the sidelines instead of performing on his own stage. But he'd never -- he never wanted to be left behind, by Jonghyun of all people, and this was exactly how he thought it was going.

"You don't want me there?" He asks, his voice threatening to break as he shies away from Jonghyun. He wants to run, wants to continue being a coward because that's easier than facing everything.

The reaction is instant. Jonghyun clasps a hand around his, pulling him closer before he can get up and run away. His free hand is on Jinki's face, keeping his face turned in his direction like he's going to slip away otherwise.

"Of course I want you there." Jonghyun murmurs, which makes his heart flutter and lurch into his throat all at once,

"But I hate seeing you cry because of me."

Which is heartbreaking in its own right, Jinki thinks. He never cried because of Jonghyun. Not in the way that Jonghyun thinks he did. Jonghyun's lyrics, about a one sided love, envoked emotions so strong in Jinki's heart that he'd been unable to contain himself, and had run out just because he needed the cool air of the night to compose himself. He didn't want Jonghyun to know. Couldn't let Jonghyun know.

"I didn't cry because of you." Jinki says anyway, to reassure him, because he couldn't live with himself if Jonghyun blamed himself for Jinki's feelings.

"But I thought -"

Jinki knows exactly what Jonghyun had thought. While Jinki had been jealous of Jonghyun's ability to be up on that stage where Jinki could no longer follow, that wasn't why he was crying. But how could he tell Jonghyun? How could he tell Jonghyun about his feelings without telling Jonghyun about his feelings.

Jinki smiles; and this time, it's genuine. He smiles as he reaches out, ruffling Jonghyun's hair because Jonghyun's so endearing when he worries about someone else.

"I was just thinking about my own personal monodrama." Jinki says, which seems to be all that Jonghyun's needed to hear.

His expression clears up almost instantly, and Jinki knows he's been understood just by the look of it.

But he is a little confused to see a spark of jealousy in Jonghyun's eyes. Just what does he have to be jealous of?

wow. that must've been the fastest week of my life. jk. I took a long weekend at work so I can rest and decided to get started on a new chapter. and then I finished the chapter so woo to productivity. uh. I hope you enjoy this chapter. sorry if it's weird. I don't know what I'm doing. see you next weekend. for real, this time.