By the end of his first week of classes, Kibum's more or less settled in to his new life. Classes are boring and predictable in the way they always are, and his social circle outside of his roommates is buzzing like it always is. But things at home, or his suite, aren't all chipper. He knew to expect this, seeing as he and Jonghyun had only split recently and there would be too much to heal from this soon after their split, but their home is full of tension. Minho and Taemin don't seem to know how to balance their friendships yet, which isn't something anyone can blame them for; and while Kibum is heavily avoidant of Jonghyun, Jonghyun seems almost determined to have his attention again.

Then, there's Jinki. Jinki, who used to be so open with his feelings and always seemed to have an ear to listen to the others and their problems even at the expense of his own responsibilities, had seemingly become a new person all together after the last school year ended. He spends more time out of their suite, partying with other friends, than he does inside. It's weird, and definitely not like the dependable Jinki they'd all come to know.

Kibum had tried many times to start a conversation with the eldest of their group, and had even waited up instead of going to bed to try and ambush the elder; but Jinki had been swaying, his clothing reeking of alcohol. Kibum's nose turned up in displeasure, and he'd given up on even trying to talk to him. Jinki was going through something, he decided; and he'd just have to wait and let the elder come talk to him on his own.

But like most things in life, this doesn't go as planned. It's Friday that things in their suite have reached a boiling point. It's only a week in, but school related stress and relationship drama between Jonghyun and Kibum can't be avoided as much as they'd like to keep living in denial.

When Kibum comes home after classes, looking forward to some peace and quiet so he can play some video games on his computer and just unwind for a little bit, he finds Jonghyun in the living room. He's not even doing anything out of ordinary or particularly annoying. He's just writing in his notebook, probably a song or just a normal diary entry. Kibum had tried, during their relationship, to get Jonghyun to tell him about what he'd write in that notebook, but Jonghyun was especially guarded about letting people see inside of his head.

But he had managed to look in that notebook, just a few days prior to ending their relationship. Jonghyun had forgotten to hide it away, and Kibum had let his nosy impulsive thoughts lead him to do something he knew would break his partner's trust; but he'd seen all that he'd needed to see. The same notebook, now barely held at the seams from years of use, which he hadn't even been allowed to peruse the pages of, had been seen by another. Not just seen, either. Another distinct handwriting form was present all throughout the notebook, from the first page to the ones closest to where Jonghyun was working now. 

That had been the moment, for Kibum, the moment he knew their relationship wasn't meant to last.

If a notebook that was thought to be sacred to him was openly welcomed to someone else, Kibum must not have been as important to Jonghyun as he thought.

So that's why he's frozen there in the entrance, hands clenched and shaking at his sides in absolute fury. He knew it was too soon to move on from their breakup, but had thought he was doing well until this moment in time. Watching Jonghyun, with that absent smile on his lips as he wrote in that blasted notebook, brought back all the unpleasant memories Kibum was trying so hard to move past.

Jonghyun notices him, finally, though it's only after Kibum lets the bag that had been hanging across his shoulder drop to the floor with a dull thud. His fingers freeze as their gazes cross, and whatever is on Kibum's face seems to be intense enough that Jonghyun closes his notebook and stands up.

"Is this it, then?" Jonghyun asks with an eyebrow raised in quiet frustration, as if he has any right to be annoyed,

"Are you finally going to open up and tell me what the is going on in your head?"

Kibum scoffs, his lips curled back into a sneer as he steps forward, his hands itching to throw a fist even though he knows Jonghyun never meant to hurt him,

"What's in my head is why I bothered wasting so much of my time on you."

And Jonghyun visibly recoils. The guilt is instantaneous for Kibum, but he pushes it back. It's the truth, after all. Why hadn't Kibum seen all the signs before he'd given up his entire heart? Had he just been lying to himself the entire time, hoping that in time he'd be the one that lived in Jonghyun's heart?

His statement had been loud enough that two doors swung open, with both Minho and Taemin slinking out of their rooms with concern evident in their expressions. It's hard to say what they'd do if Kibum and Jonghyun's argument turns physical, but seeing how the concern isn't pointed at either side in particular is a little bit reassuring.

"You said you wanted to be friends, Bummie," Jonghyun says to him, his voice only getting louder like he's the one who had been betrayed and played.

Kibum rolls his eyes, fighting back the urge to grab something and chuck it at Jonghyun's head, "That doesn't mean I want to be friends with you right now, hyung!"

"You don't need to yell at him like that." Taemin's typically quiet voice interjects. He's typically impartial, but doesn't seem to want the argument to get any bigger than it already is. He's wringing his hands together, unsure if he should be comforting Jonghyun or appeasing Kibum.

"Can't you two sit down and talk this out like adults?" Minho pipes up, his arms crossed over his chest as he glances between them.

Damn that Minho. He's supposed to be a little partial, seeing as they're sharing a room. It's not fair to think that way, and he knows it, but Kibum can't say a word. He's still so upset that his hands are shaking.

"Why can't you just... tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it?" Jonghyun asks now, his voice pleading.

Just like that, the frustration in Kibum's chest melts away. Jonghyun's being earnest, because he has no idea of what Kibum knows, and Kibum doesn't have the heart to bring it up right now. It's too soon for him to even really accept it, as much as he knows the truth of the situation.

"Forget it," Kibum says between grit teeth, and he turns around to escape the room.

"You can't just-" Jonghyun begins, only to get cut off when the door opens just as Kibum reaches the handle of it, and in walks a discheveled Jinki.

They all just stare. The four of them at Jinki, and Jinki at the four of them. His eyebrows are furrowed, like he has questions about what's going on, but there are also deep eyebags on his pale skin and his eyes are bloodshot. It looks as though Jinki hasn't slept in days, and when he shuffles into the dorm, Kibum abandons his escape plan and shuts the door after him.

Jinki is the most perceptive person Kibum knows, and had been a rock for the whole group to lean on throughout their friendship. Just like now, when Jinki takes the briefest look around the room, notes everyone's tension and grim expressions, and then reaches out and clasps a hand onto either Jonghyun and Kibum's shoulders.

He doesn't say anything, and it turns out he doesn't need to. While he's quieter now and his gaze seems to be just a little too far for them to reach, his touch is gentle and warm the way it's always been. From the corner of Kibum's eye, he can see the way Jonghyun more or less melts into his touch.

Kibum's heart stings at the sight, but it's gone as soon as it hits him, with Jinki releasing the both of them and heading towards his room without so much as a greeting.

"Hyung," Kibum calls out, his voice a little hesitant as he does, which had never been the case before when it had come to Jinki.

Jinki pauses when he has his hand on the doorknob and turns his head. He's got the best poker face out of everyone Kibum knows, but there's just something that's dancing in his eyes, like he's yearning for something.

"Would you like to have dinner with us?"

And he's fully prepared for the rejection that's coming. Jinki's been refusing to spend any amount of time with the group, after all.

But he's surprised when Jinki nods and turns back around, "I'll help prepare dinner."

Stunned, but also pleased, Kibum notes that the earlier tension seems to have lifted away.

Minho can't help but glance between Kibum and Jinki. When Jinki had agreed to help dinner, Kibum suddenly had a smile that rivaled the power of the sun lighting his face. On one hand, Minho gets how much he's missed Jinki - of course, that's because he's missed the elder as well; but he can't help the way his stomach churns uneasily. Kibum's not the type to date around, and it's too soon to really even try after ending things with Jonghyun, but there's a pep in his step because of Jinki that causes Minho to grow just a tad bit jealous.

Not that he'll do anything about it, of course. Like he's stated earlier, he's also missed Jinki.

That's why he joins the pair in preparing dinner as Jonghyun and Taemin set up their little common area for an impromptu movie night. They haven't done this in a while, the last time having been at Jinki's old door while they were drinking cheap beers and discussing their futures. It had felt so long ago, but Minho can still distinctly remember the way Jonghyun and Kibum had huddled together on the couch in Jinki's room, sharing kisses when everyone else pretended not to be paying attention. Like now, with Jinki, his stomach had churned.

Jinki's silent as he works, cutting strips of chicken to go with the rice that Kibum was preparing. Minho, because he wasn't much of the cooking type, had been tasked with getting the cutlery and side dishes together. It was a consolation task and he knew it, but lord knows he'll take anything that allows him to spend time with a Kibum that wasn't wallowing in reminders of his breakup.

He finds himself staring at Kibum's side profile, a soft smile tugging at his lips. Kibum's animated, going into detail about one of the projects he's working on for his design class. There's a little bit of a rant that comes along with it, with Kibum claiming he has a lot more competition this year as opposed to the previous year when he'd been the better designer.

"Hey, Minho!" Kibum calls all of a sudden, and Minho's surprised to see that Kibum had been talking to him and not to Jinki.

Kibum's looking right at him, hands on his hips and the most frustratingly endearing glare on his face,

"Are you even listening to what I'm saying?"

He has been; every word, in fact. If something were to happen and the world would end in that very same moment, he would've at least been satisfied in knowing he was there, listening.

Jinki turns to glance at them over his shoulder; and though it's the most miniscule reaction of his face, there's a quirking of his lips. Minho wonders if he's made his feelings obvious this time, and the panic that ensues nearly causes for him to choke on his own saliva.

"All you do is complain so I tend to zone out," Minho says as a way to distract himself.

It works. Kibum is seething as he stomps over and yanks the container of kimchi he had been holding,

"I don't even know why I bothered to have you help. You're only getting in the way. Go babysit the others."

Accepting defeat isn't easy for Minho, but he decides to let it go simply because of how upset Kibum had been earlier on in the day. Even if it's aimed towards someone else, the most important thing for him was to keep Kibum happy.

"Fine, we can watch a sports documentary. Since you love them so much." Minho snips back as he turns and exits the kitchen.

He could accept defeat, but he wouldn't go down without a fight.

Kibum is shouting profanities behind him, but Minho can sense a little bit of relief as well. He's not sure what Kibum has to talk about with Jinki, or even if it's romantic at all in nature; but he seems to be grateful to have a chance to do so. Minho would just have to trust his own judgement and ignore the jealousy that always seems to rear its ugly head whenever Kibum's attention isn't on him.

In the common area, Jonghyun and Taemin are making more of a mess than necessary. They're whacking at each other with pillows, throwing legos that Minho has no idea where they'd gotten, and they're loud enough that Minho's surprised someone's not knocking on their door with a noise complaint.

"Time!" Jonghyun calls, and just as Taemin whacks him across the back of his head.

Minho snickers as Jonghyun turns to fix the faux-innocent Taemin with a dirty glare, but takes up a seat on the smaller couch in their common area. It has two, with enough seats for everyone to sit comfortably.

"Is dinner almost ready?" Taemin asks, with a hand pressed onto his stomach,

"I'm starving."

"I don't know. I was demoted to babysitting." Minho answers, just a little bitter at the turn of events.

Taemin and Jonghyun don't enjoy that answer very much. They glance at each other, wearing matching grimaces, and then turn back to him. Minho knows exactly where this is going, but before he can get a word in edge-wise, is pelted from both sides with pillows.

Before long, with both Taemin and Jonghyun cowering as Minho stands over them beaming from his victory, Kibum pops his head out of the kitchen. He sees the mess they've made, notices the way Taemin and Jonghyun are clinging to each other for dear life, sighs, and then turns his attention back to Minho.

"Now that you've released your pent up aggravations, come over here. Dinner's ready."

And he's not just inviting Minho to dinner, he realizes; but there's still that swell of affection that rises in his chest as he discards the pillow onto Jonghyun's face and retreats to the dinner table. Kibum looks mildly disappointed, his eyes pointed in Minho's direction and then rolled upwards as soon as they make eye contact. Minho understands what he's trying to say without actually saying it. Jinki's head is bowed towards his bowl, and he doesn't look like he's any bit interested in conversation. Kibum's effort to talk to him must not have bore any fruit.

All at once, Minho's earlier insecurities are wiped away. If Kibum was going to talk to him about his conversation with Jinki, it couldn't be something so personal, right?

Dinner is quick, but it's nice. Jinki might be quiet and Kibum and Jonghyun are still avoiding looking at each other after their argument, but the tension between them is low enough that it doesn't feel like it's choking them. 

Jinki is the first to finish, his chair scraping against the floor as he stands up and reaches a hand out to ruffle Kibum's hair much like he's done in the past, but only lets his hand hover over the designer's head for a moment before pulling away, "Dinner was wonderful, Bummie. Thank you."

He turns towards the sink to wash his dishes, but Jonghyun reaches out and clasps a hand around Jinki's wrist, "Are you not going to watch a movie with us?"

They've all noticed the way Jinki's been tensing at physical contact that he isn't the one initiating. They haven't brought it up yet, but Jonghyun is obviously a little hurt when Jinki slips his hand away.

"Sorry. I have plans tonight." Is Jinki's flimsy excuse, which has been the same flimsy excuse he's been using every night so he could disappear for hours and come back smelling like alcohol.

Minho notices the way Kibum's hand tightens around his chopsticks like he's biting back his urge to say something out of spite, and he reaches underneath the table to where Kibum's free hand is clenched across his lap. He covers it with his own hand and squeezes, and pretends not to notice the sheer shock on Kibum's face when he realizes whose hand he's holding.

When Jinki's out of earshot, and Taemin and Jonghyun are too busy making another ruckus in the living room to pay attention to them, Kibum leans sideways until his head is on Minho's arm. Minho just barely manages to keep his composure at the sudden show of affection.

Kibum's hand squeezes his once more; and with a sigh, he says, "I'm not really feeling a movie tonight. Do you think we can make up an excuse and just... talk, in our room?"

Missing his chance to vent to Jinki must have really gotten to him, Minho realizes. Otherwise, why would Kibum want to spend time with him talking, when all they typically did was argue?

Minho glances in the direction of the common area and fights back his grin, "I don't think they'll miss us."

With their movie night plans fizzling out, much to Taemin's frustrations, Jonghyun had decided to go back to their shared room to work on some compositions. His normal, puppy-like excitability had been dashed when Jinki had all but pushed his hand away like he was repulsed by the very idea of their hands together.

Taemin, for one, had enough of his elder friends' and their drama for a day.

So he pulls out his cell phone and opens his texts up. He opens the message Jongin had recently sent him about his own weekend. Jongin's friends were all going out of town for the weekend, leaving him alone in their suite. Taemin's heart does a funny little dance as he imagines it.

Nervous, he fidgets with his phone for a moment before he can even start typing.

Taemin: Hey. My plans fell through. U mind sum company?

Surprisingly, Jongin's answer is almost instantaneous.

Jongin: Bring food.

With a grin, Taemin heads into the kitchen and grabs a little container of the leftovers from the night's dinner. He shoots off a quick text to Kibum about where the leftovers are going, and another text to Jonghyun about where he's going, and then he slips out the door. There's a hop in his step, one he's not even fully aware of, aas he crosses through the campus over to where Jongin's suite is. Despite seeing his friend almost every day of the week regularly, he can't pretend that moments like these, of unplanned visits, don't warm his chest so much.

When he gets to his friend's suite, the front door is already open. With a little smirk, thinking of all the ways he can prank Jongin, he leans up on the tips of his toes and begins to sneak his way into the suite.

Only to pause when he hears a female voice from within the suite. Female voice? That's unexpected. Taemin thinks long and hard about it, but can't seem to remember if Jongin had brought up the subject of dating someone new recently. He's quite popular in that are of the social world, after all; but if he were dating someone, wouldn't he have told Taemin? At least so that Taemin wouldn't feel like a third-wheel on nights like these where he'd originally planned on spending time with Jongin and Jongin alone?

What are these thoughts of negativity swirling around his mind? It's not like they'd planned on hanging out earlier, anyway; and what's it to Taemin if Jongin is dating someone else? After his last relationship had ended poorly, Jongin deserved that bit of happiness.

Forcing the storm of emotions in his mind to quell, Taemin abandons his earlier plan to sneak into the suite and merely walks in with a wide grin on his face as he shakes the container of chicken and rice he'd stolen from his own suite, "I have food!"

Two heads pop up from where they're sitting on the couch facing the television. It's not a girl, though. It's Baekhyun, who's one of Jongin's roommates. The girl he had heard talking was on the screen, a horror movie that had blown its budget by using over-the-top sound effects and poorly skilled actors.

"Oh, Taemin's here!" Baekhyun calls out as he lifts the television remote and pauses the movie. He eyes the container of food in Taemin's hands almost greedily,

"Is there enough to share or is it all for Nini?"

Jongin grumbles as he roughly pushes Baekhyun's shoulder, but there's the telltale sign of a blush on his face. It's a product of being called Nini. Jongin's always hated it, thinking that it sounded much too feminine for him.

"What did I say about calling me that?" Jongin asks, and then he shuffles down the couch to make some space between the two of them, patting the seat for Taemin to squeeze in between them.

Instead of taking the seat immediately, Taemin walks into their kitchen and grabs two pairs of chopsticks, then returns to find them both staring right at the television once more, completely engrossed in their movie pick of the night. He sits with them, opens the container, and presses his food offering into Baekhyun's chest. Almost absentmindedly, Baekhyun reaches for the chopsticks and chews at a speed that looks more like he's inhaling it. Taemin had originally brought enough food for him to share with Jongin, but he'd already eaten once before; and he's already aware that without Kyungsoo around to ensure that they are eating, both Baekhyun and Jongin were likely to only have eaten junk all evening.

"Share some of that with me." Jongin snaps, reaching over Taemin to grab the container from Baekhyun.

Baekhyun grins as he lets it go, then sits back in his seat and pats his stomach, "I think I'm good for now, anyway. It's all yours."

"Yeah, of course you say that after you finish more than half the container." Jongin grumbles, eyeing what's leftover in the container with disdain.

Taemin snickers along as he watches his friend. Jongin may be grumbling about it, but he's not one to waste food. He sits back again, seemingly content with just being able to eat at all, and Taemin turns his head back to the screen. It's then that he notices it, the tan arm that's hovering just a few inches away from his shoulder over the back of the sofa. He nearly splutters at the sight of it, feeling rigid as he forces his eyes back to the screen.

Jongin was just stretching his arm, he tells himself; but there's no use. His heart doesn't care for the logic of his mind. It just knows that the warmth radiating from Jongin's arm is a welcome weight.

"Who cooked this?" Jongin asks, his voice low as he leans closer into Taemin's side to ask. The food's gone now, only minutes after Jongin had taken the container for his own.

"Jinki made the chicken." Taemin answers, the frown in his voice even made evident for himself.

Jongin catches the tone, too, and the arm that had been laying across the sofa moves so that it's wound around Taemin's shoulder instead. It's a gesture of comfort that Taemin hadn't realized he'd been wanting for so long. He'd already told Jongin all about what was going on with his friend group, and Jongin probably guessed that it had something to do with Taemin's suddenly changed plans.

"It's not like him to be so distant." Jongin says, then, his head tilted back and his eyes closed. He's not entirely too close to Taemin's friends, but the concern is still clear.

"Wait. Are you talking about Jinki?" Baekhyun asks all of a sudden, and Taemin had almost forgotten that he was there. He'd been entirely engrossed in his movie, though he'd occasionally be looking at his phone and typing out messages for his partner, Chanyeol.

"Yeah. He's been... weird." Taemin explains, uncertain. He's not the gossiping type, not at all; but it seems like Baekhyun already knows about what's going on with his friend.

"Tell me about it!" Baekhyun breathes out with a shake of his head,

"You know how I work at the library for work study, right? Jinki's been there every night for the past week, until we close at 3 am, all by himself and staring into space."

Which is... a concerning bit of news for Taemin. They'd all witnessed Jinki slinking in and out of their dorm at various times of the late evening and early morning hours, but he'd always been claiming to be going out partying with Changsun or other friends. While this should make him feel just a little better about the situation, it only draws more questions out of him. Why say he was going out partying if he was actually going out to the library? And why was he just going to the library to stare into space, when he had his own room which gave him plenty of privacy already?

He doesn't realize how hard he's thinking about the situation until a hand squeezes his shoulder. He nearly jumps out of his skin as his attention returns to reality. Baekhyun's back to focusing on his phone, but Jongin's peering at him in that way he does; with his eyes so gentle and full of concern, and his lips curled into a sideways grin that instantly calms him.

"He'll be okay, Taem." Jongin says, his voice full of confidence that Taemin should have had in his own friend.

"What makes you so sure?" Taemin asks, and he can't really explain why he's so drawn to Jongin's gentle reassurance.

"Because he has you, idiot." Jongin says with a playful roll of his eyes.

He goes as far as to gently knocking their heads together, and then turns his head back to the movie one more time. His focus remains on the screen for the rest of the movie, but not Taemin's. Taemin can't think about anything but the hand that's remaining on his shoulder, thumb absently dragging across his collar and spreading a searing heat with its touch.

He hadn't meant to stay up waiting for Jinki. At first, Jonghyun had only meant to work on a new composition, finding himself with a new sense of motivation as he recalled that earlier fight with Kibum and the feeling of restlessness that had overtaken him when Jinki had more or less rejected his touch.

But he finds himself checking the time almost too often for it to be casual. He's concerned when Taemin comes back closer to midnight and there's no sign of Jinki; then annoyed at one am when there's nothing but silence all around him while he's still up and writing. At two am, he's a little more frustrated than annoyed, because why does Jinki's need to party outweigh his need for sleep? Finally, at three am, when the front door squeaks open, Jonghyun realizes that he's livid.

He'd stopped writing sometime within the last hour, his mind circling endlessly about Jinki and his 'transformation,' and wondering if there's anything he can do at all to bring the old, carefree Jinki back to him - back to the group.

He opens his door as soon as the front door shuts and meets Jinki's gaze. Even from across the common area, there's a hefty odor of liquor that's permeating from Jinki's clothes; but despite the smell, Jinki himself doesn't seem to be inebriated at all. Except, the moment he realizes he's been caught, he starts to sway where he stands.

Jonghyun's caught him. Jinki's not drunk at all, just pretending to be.

"We need to talk." Jonghyun says decidedly, and his voice is threatening to get loud enough to wake the others up if he needs to.

Jinki's eyes widen ever so slightly, and the drunken facade that had been taking over his frame melts away. He clears his throat, drops his gaze from Jonghyun's in what may just be trepidation, and nods his head in the direction of his room. Jonghyun understands what he's trying to say even without verbally saying it.

In his room, so no one else can hear.

As he crosses the space in between and nears Jinki's room, his heartbeat quickens. He's been at Jinki's dorm before they'd lived together, but he'd been leaving his room in the suite locked for whatever reason. Jonghyun didn't really get why much, but he could respect the elder's need for privacy.

This just happens to be his first time in Jinki's room since living together, though; and it feels so much more intimate than he'd ever thought it would.

When the door is shut behind them, Jinki fumbles in the dark and hits the light switch. They're both blinking and covering their eyes until they adjust to the lights, but when Jonghyun turns to Jinki, Jinki's not even looking at him.

"Let me just change my shirt." Jinki says, his voice quiet and maybe a little afraid as he gestures to his clothing,

"I know your nose gets sensitive."

Which is a fact about him that everyone knows; and even still, Jonghyun's surprised that Jinki would go out of his way to accomodate for that when he obviously doesn't need to.

"Okay." Jonghyun answers, and his eyes follow Jinki around the room as the elder digs a fresh shirt out of his wardrobe and strips himself right there and then.

They've been friends since their freshman year, where they'd shared a physical education course and had seen each other in just their underwear before, but that was back when they were both a little scrawnier. It's as he's changing, trying to be as fast as he can, that Jonghyun notices the line of scarred tissue on the elder's neck. The elder had been wearing nothing but turtlenecks since coming back to school, which must have been the reason this particular skin flaw hadn't been noticed previously,

"What happened?" Jonghyun is aware of himself asking, and is also aware of the minute rigidness that takes over Jinki's frame.

Whatever that scarring is, it means a lot to Jinki.

"Let it go, Jonghyun." Jinki breathes out, and he finishes tugging his shirt on. He's not even looking at Jonghyun, and Jonghyun feels so empty without that ever gentle gaze on him.

"Why?" Jonghyun asks this time, his eyebrows furrowed as he crosses the space between them,

"Since when are you the one who shuts everyone out?"

Jinki fixes him with a look that has his heart flipping in his chest. He decides it's worry, because the same eyes that used to be filled with so much joy are just hollow reminders of what they'd once been.

"I'm just going through some things, Jonghyun. Why is it I'm the only one who isn't allowed to deal with things alone?"

Because, Jonghyun wants to say, Jinki's never let Jonghyun handle any of his troubles alone; and though he had been annoyed by the elder's insistence to be a part of his recovery in the past, he'd do anything to be that same kind of comfort for Jinki now.

"I don't know what's going on with you, hyung, but I just wish you'd stop shutting me out." Jonghyun murmurs, and he sees the deflation of Jinki's shoulders.

Silent, Jinki lifts a hand. It wavers momentarily above Jonghyun's head, but then the elder makes the decision to lower his hand, using it to gently at Jonghyun's hair. Jonghyun's eyelids flutter momentarily at the sensation, knowing it wasn't something that was meant to last.

"I know you just want someone to talk to about Kibum, and I'm sorry I haven't been around much."

Jonghyun's mouth suddenly dries up. He wants to interject, wants to say it's not about Kibum at all, but finds himself confused about his own thoughts. What else would he want to talk to Jinki about so much that he's this affected by Jinki's absence? They've been friends for years, surely Jinki's allowed to have some space from the friend group.

And, he tries to convince himself, from Jonghyun.

Jinki takes his silence in with a pensive smile on his face, then turns and sits on the edge of his bed. There's enough space on the bed next to him for Jonghyun to sit down, but the younger is slow to take it. Suddenly, he feels so unsure of himself and his position in Jinki's life.

Eventually, Jonghyun does take the seat offered to him, his hands folded anxiously on his lap without much else to do with them. He wants so desperately to look at Jinki, to search for whatever it is that Jinki's trying so hard to hide from him, but he has no idea where he can even start.

"Have you talked to him at all?" Jinki asks, cutting into his thoughts.

Jonghyun's head whips in his direction, finding Jinki with his head tilted back and his eyes shut in contemplation. He looks so peaceful, like there's nothing else in his mind aside from them, right then, and right there. Jonghyun feels his heart in his throat. They'd sat like this once back in their first year of college, at the end of a relationship that left Jonghyun questioning his own charms and confidence. Jinki had been a voice of reason even back then, had cracked jokes and held him up when he was unable to stand up to the weight of his own heavy emotions.

He's suddenly all too aware of the distance between them now, which hadn't been there when they were younger. They had been so close at the beginning of their friendship. When had that changed? And why did it take so long for Jonghyun to finally notice?

"Not really," Jonghyun forces himself to say, shrugging helpless to himself at the end of it,

"I think I'm pushing him too hard to make our friendship work."

Jinki cracks an eye open, turns it in his direction to watch him. Back when Jonghyun had decided to ask Kibum out on a date in the first place, Jinki had been the only person of his friend group that hadn't objected for fear that their group would be affected negatively. Jinki always had so much trust in Jonghyun, and nothing could change that.

"You know how delicate Bummie is, Jonghyunie." Jinki murmurs, his eyes shut once more,

"It's going to take him a lot longer than a few weeks to even reconcile with his feelings, let alone yours."

Jonghyunie. For a moment, Jonghyun doesn't hear anything else. It'd been so long since Jinki had spoken to him with the abandoned nickname from their first year. It almost felt like he was a different person entirely.

"Yeah. You're right." Jonghyun sighs, because Jinki was rarely wrong about things like this.

It's silent for a beat, and then there's a little bit of shuffling as Jinki moves closer, Jonghyun holds his breath, his senses overwhelmed entirely by Jinki when the elder wraps an arm loosely around his waist and squeezes.

"Don't blame yourself. You have the habit of thinking everything is your fault and your fault alone," Jinki says, and there's a little, sad smile on his face as he releases his hold of Jonghyun.

But oddly enough, Jinki's words, which are meant to comfort him, makes Jonghyun wonder if maybe Jinki's talking more to himself than the younger.

Jonghyun had fallen asleep on his bed. Jinki wanted to be annoyed, but the swell of his heart couldn't be ignored. Jonghyun had been up for hours waiting for him, after all. Jinki could give up another night of sleep if it meant Jonghyun would be able to rest fitfully. He rakes a hand through Jonghyun's hair, watching the platinum blonde hair shift back to its original positioning. Jonghyun looks peaceful when he's asleep, free from the many burdens that he carries. Jinki can't help the way the guilt settles in his stomach.

So focused on his own personal struggles, he'd let his younger friends down and to deal with their own struggles when he should have been available for them. He tries to tell himself it's for the best, and that worrying the youngers wouldn't do anything to appease the situation; but in truth, isn't he just being a little cowardly? Especially towards Jonghyun, who had been his best friend since they met in their first year. It hurt him as much as it apparently hurt Jonghyun to keep it a secret, but what good would telling Jonghyun - would telling anyone - do?

Jinki leaves his bedroom, confident that he won't be waking the younger up, in order to go to the bathroom. He plans to shower quickly so that the lingering smell of liquor on his skin is washed off before he can crawl into his bed with Jonghyun, but he's surprised when the bathroom door opens and he's face-to-face with Kibum. Seeing the young design student's face causes his heart to constrict in guilt. Kibum had tried so hard earlier to talk to Jinki, presumably about Jonghyun, and Jinki had answered only with short answers to end their conversation quickly.

"Did you just come home?" Kibum asks, his nose a wrinkle. While Kibum likes to drink, he's not too fond of Jinki's newfound addiction.

"Yeah. I just wanted to shower before bed." Jinki says to explain himself, though he doesn't really need to. It's a little obvious, but he thinks he owes Kibum at least this much.

"Do you..." Kibum looks away, his fingers fidgeting with the towel in his hands,

"Have a few minutes to talk? After your shower?"

He should say no, because Jonghyun's asleep on his bed and he wants to be there too. He should say no, because being close to the group makes it that much harder to keep his secret. He should say no, because his friends deserve someone better, and someone who isn't as cowardly.

But he can't. He can't, because when he really wants to be, Kibum is so endearing that all of Jinki's walls melt down.

"Okay." He relents, and he bites back the smile that threatens to errupt on his face when he sees the way Kibum's eyes light up.

"I'll make some hot chocolate!" Kibum whispers in that excited way of his; and then he's gone in the direction of the kitchen and Jinki's left alone in the hallway.

He makes quick work of his shower, only stepping out when he's sure he no longer smells like liquor. He'd taken the habit of patting liquor on his clothes and skin whenever he'd come in at the end of the day as a way to keep the others off his tail, but he, not for the first time that night, feels guilty for even harboring a secret of his own.

When he steps into the kitchen, Kibum is sitting there, lost in thought as his hands are clutching a mug of the most delicious smelling hot chocolate Jinki's ever smelled. His head snaps up when Jinki sits down, and there's a faint dusting of his cheeks that tells Jinki that Kibum hadn't really expected him to show up.

"I want to give you space, because I know you're the type who'd rather hold it in than worry anyone else," Kibum begins, and he reaches out, his hand hovering over Jinki's.

He doesn't make contact, which both puzzles and relieves Jinki as the elder lifts his gaze toward him.

"Are you going to be okay?" Kibum asks.

Jinki doesn't answer. He's not sure if he has an answer, either for Kibum or for himself. He just takes a sip of his hot chocolate, blinking back the tears that are stinging behind his eyelids, and forces a small smile onto his face. That seems to be an answer on its own for Kibum, though he doesn't seem any bit more reassured by it.

"How are you holding up?" Jinki changes the subject, and he watches Kibum take in a deep breath.

"Better than I was before, but it comes and goes in waves." Kibum replies, a far-away gleam in his eyes as he turns his head in the direction of the window that has a view of the campus. He seems to be looking for something to say for a few minutes, then looks over to Jinki,

"Are you going to ask why we broke up?"

He wasn't going to, actually. It wasn't his business, even if he was concerned about the two of them. He would just have to let them come to him if they really needed an ear to listen. He would take a more active approach in being that ear for them, too.

"Can you tell me without me having to ask?" Jinki retorts quietly, taking one last sip of his hot chocolate and emptying the mug.

"How are the two of you so oblivious?" Kibum asks with a little snicker, amused despite the conversation.

Jinki feels an eyebrow raising in question. What the hell is that even supposed to mean?

Kibum sees his expression, shakes his head. He takes a deep breath, finishes his own mug, and looks back at him with so much seriousness in his eyes that Jinki nearly balks.

"He's in love with someone else, probably has been for a long time, even without knowing it himself." Kibum answers, shaking his head.

"What does that have to do with me?" Jinki asks, because he'd never seen Jonghyun love anyone more than he's loved Kibum.

"I wonder." Kibum replies, in a way that is so infuriatingly vague that Jinki feels the frustration in him build.

He's about to ask about it, or demand answers that aren't so vague, when his bedroom door opens and out walks a sleepy Jonghyun, rubbing at one of his eyes.

"I wonder." Kibum repeats, and then he's up and out of his seat and retreating to the room he shares with Minho.

Jonghyun is silent as he watches Kibum retreat, then crosses the space and puts a hand on Jinki's shoulder, "Sorry if I interrupted. I didn't mean to be a burden and take up your bed. I'll go back to my room."

Jinki fights the urge to reach out and pull him back. It's been a long week, and especially for Jonghyun. He could use the rest, he thinks.

Still, he can't help himself when he blurts out, "You've never been a burden to me, Jonghyunie."

Jonghyun's at his door when it seems to sink in, and he turns around to send a sleepy smile in Jinki's direction. He's gone a minute later, the door to his shared room with Taemin shutting behind him.

Jinki is finally alone with his thoughts, the same thoughts that are as loud and suffocating as they had been earlier in the day and every day since the beginning of the summer, when he had learned that he needed throat surgery to correct voice nodes. The same thoughts that had suffocated him when the doctors had said he would likely never be able to sing again. The same thoughts that had suffocated him day in and day out when he spent all day trying to retrain his voice with little to no luck.

He tilts his head back, his eyes counting the many imperfections on the ceiling above him. There's a specific crack in the ceiling that reminds him of the scar on his neck; and his fingers graze the spot that's covered by his turtleneck. Like the crack on the ceiling, his scar is also permanent and hides more extensive damage than the eye can see.

He hears the sound of Jonghyun and Taemin's door opening again, and there's Jonghyun walking out of the room again and heading towards the bathroom. He doesn't turn to the kitchen this time, which makes Jinki believe he wasn’t seen; and when he's out of view, Jinki releases the breath he hadn't known he was holding and stands to retreat to his own room for the night.

He doesn't realize that the bathroom door had never closed behind Jonghyun, or that Jonghyun had been watching him with heartbreak clear in his eyes.

i realize this probably won't get very popular, but i've been really wanting to write again recently and shinee always awakens my muse. i'll be updating on weekends according to my work schedule. please let me know how you feel about this story. until next week. :-)