It is not easy being Park Jinyoung.

 

It is not easy to look out the window at the falling snow, only to be reminded of matching mittens and hot chocolate at the nearest convenience store and butterflies in his stomach that time she made a face and squealed after accidentally burning her tongue. It is not easy to glance at couples sharing umbrellas under the rain, only to be reminded of drenched hair and carefree laughter and the feeling of her shoulder brushing against his. It is not easy to watch his band mates play soccer, only to be reminded of the time he first met her and he nearly hit her on the head with his ball, and she laughed with wide open and eyes twinkling. It is not easy to gulp down coffee in preparation for late night practices, only to be reminded of midnight chats on the roof and shared dreams and the bittersweetness of trainee life.

 

It is not easy loving Bae Suji.

 

It isn’t easy because her stardom has far eclipsed anything he could dream for himself. It isn’t easy because she is Suzy, the nation’s first love, sought after by many, and all he can think of is how he loved her first before it all. It isn’t easy because when he peers into her eyes, he sees a girl who has seen way too much way too soon, an ocean of hurt that can’t be quenched, and all he wants is to shield her eyes from the blinding lights that often do more bad than good. But he can’t, because even though their bones have weathered the same number of winters, her winters have been colder and she is still untouchable, like the frigid breeze caught between his fingers.

 

So all he can wish for is that she doesn’t forget. He hopes she notices the way he remembers that she likes coffee more than green tea and rainy days more than snowy ones. He hopes that when she guests on their variety show, she notices the way he inserts the cheesy dance moves they’d always laughed about during the old days, the excessive hearts and smiles – just for her, and for her only. He hopes she notices the way he tries extra hard to catch the bouquet of flowers that she throws, because he can’t bear the thought of anyone else having her.

 

He hopes she remembers that when everyone is in awe of her glittery persona on stage or on the silver screen, he has always been in awe of how her messy hair covers her eyes when she’s asleep and the cute confused look on her face when he pokes her awake. He hopes she remembers that even though he has not seen as much as she has, that he has still seen a lot – poison in his ears and scars in his heart – and she’s not alone. He hopes she remembers the way it felt to lean on his shoulder during the good times and the bad – because he surely does, how could he ever forget?

 

(How could anyone forget Bae Suji, for that matter?)

 

(Definitely not Jinyoung.

 

Because even if he convinces himself that he doesn’t love her anymore, that the concept of them is impossible, the fluttering in his heart and the knot in his throat and the pure sense of dread when he sees her in someone else’s arms tell him otherwise.)

 

(So he keeps loving her – because it’s all he’s ever known and he can’t stop now.

 

Even if it isn’t easy.)

 

 

 

 

 

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