Jiyoung kept her attention on the road, not even silently judging you as she took you back home. You weren’t sure if that was because the two of you didn’t really know each other or if because – perhaps just a little bit – she understood.

The first words she spoke were to simply ask you where you lived once the city limits came into view. You directed her towards the student apartments and fell quiet again.

Outside your building, you unbuckled your seatbelt and softly thanked her for driving you the long way home. Before you could open the door, however, Jiyoung pressed down on the lock button, trapping you inside with a click. You whipped your head around, eyes round and wide.

“Look,” Jiyoung sighed, turning in her seat to face you, “I’m not going to lecture you or scold you or anything. I’m just going to say that I know what you’re going through right now.” A little sympathetic smile turned up in the corner of . “Your heart is hurting. A lot. But once the pain has dulled down, listen to it. It’ll tell you where to go from there.”

You frowned, fingers still glued to the door handle. “What do you mean you know what I’m going through? You’re with Jongdae. You’re happy.”

“I wasn’t always.” Running her hands down the steering wheel, she moved her gaze down to the radio. “I was in love with Jongdae for the longest time. All that pining from a far stuff. He – uh – kind of ignored me for a while. And when he was finally looking at me, it wasn’t all sunshine and fireworks. It took a lot a work, but we got there eventually. I just… I just don’t think you should run away quite yet.”

“I’m not running away,” you defended. “I shouldn’t have ever attached myself to Jun- Professor Kim. He’s my teacher and any sort of relationship beyond that is inappropriate. I’m putting things back where they belong.”

“But he won’t be your teacher forever,” Jiyoung argued.

And you wanted to agree with her. You wanted to say something about how – maybe after the semester was over or after graduation – then you could go back and listen to whatever Junmyeon had to say; maybe actually put up a good fight and tell him that you thought you could be good for him, that you felt something for him that was so deep and drowning you didn’t know how to describe it. But right now you were treading water, limbs tiring out from struggling to stay afloat. You’d found a life preserver and now you were going to cling on to that to keep yourself from going under.

Maybe… Maybe in the future, once you’ve recovered and pulled yourself up again, you could give it another try. You could put your heart a little further out there once your skin has thicken and you were more ready for rejection. But now you were shattered, too broken. You needed time to pick up the pieces.

“It doesn’t matter,” you told her. “I’ll be gone after graduation.”

She gasped. “But-”

“Please just open the door.” You tried hard to convey your annoyance and eagerness to get inside.”

Giving in, Jiyoung unlocked the door and you scrambled out of there faster than a wolf on fire.

**

After you begged him to let go, Junmyeon couldn’t stand there and watch you fade away.

Why wouldn’t you just let him tell you? Why couldn’t he have just told you earlier so all of this could be avoided? Why was he such a coward?

Why? Why? WHY?

Junmyeon let out a long howl before taking off in the woods. He didn’t remember shifting. He didn’t know what direction he was going in or where he was headed, just that he need to run. He needed to do something and this was the answer his instincts had given him.

His paws pounded against the dirt floor, pushing him farther and farther away from the farmhouse. Several howls echoed in the distance behind him, calling for their alpha to come back home. Junmyeon pressed on, ignoring the cries.

Around him the trees began to thin after running for who knew how long. He never tired, never slowed down, just kept going.

Additional paws hurrying to catch up with him beat in rhythmic sync some distance behind him. Then, a body much bigger than Junmyeon’s slammed into him, causing him to lose his footing and roll over several times. The wolf inside had taken control and Junmyeon leaped, teeth bared, at whoever the beast deemed a threat. He latched on to a neck, not paying attention to the russet colored fur.

Junmyeon, stop!

Two more wolves wedged themselves in between Junmyeon and his opponent, shoving him away. Just as he turned to attack again, his senses pushed through, screaming at him that the wolves were his brother. Kris huffing and shaking off the nicks left from Junmyeon’s teeth. They would heal, but in the meantime they would sting.

Why the hell did you pounce on me like that? Junmyeon growled.

Kris flicked his head to Junmyeon’s right.

You were about to hit the city limits, Chanyeol whined. No one there is supposed to see us.

Junmyeon blinked. Why did I come this way?

You were headed for your mate, Kris answered, his thoughts conveying the venom he felt for being on the receiving end of Junmyeon’s anger.

Your urge to stop her was probably too great in this form, Yixing added. Your feet took you where your logic wouldn’t.

Junmyeon let out something that somewhat resembled a sigh. I’m sorry, guys. I just… He couldn’t finish that thought. Turning to Kris, he thought instead, You should be at home resting. You barely have energy as it is.

Kris had mastered “the look” in wolf form years ago. I’m fine. Making sure you don’t expose all of us by making a scene is more important.

It took will power for Junmyeon not to snap back. Instead, he huffed, looking at the boys who came after him. Never had he been so thankful for their loyalty that stopped him from doing something incredibly stupid.

Come on, Kris flicked his head in the direction of the farmhouse with that natural authority Junmyeon always envied. Let’s get out of here before we’re spotted.

Reluctantly, Junmyeon agreed and everyone started slowly moving away from the tree line. Before they could get too far away, he paused, turning to look behind him once more as if you would miraculously know that he was there and come running to him. He messed everything up after having it all land perfectly in his lap. You were everything to him and yet – with mistake after mistake – he let you down.

Hanging his head, he walked on, fearful for the pain that would be awaiting him soon.

**

Cam and Gemma nearly broke down when you came shuffling through the door. Apparently, they’d made it back to the apartment last night but didn’t realize you weren’t with them until they woke up this morning. They were just about to call the police when you walked in, dropping their phones to come suffocate you in their overbearing hugs. At least, that was what you could understand from as they were talking at the same time.

“Oh my god, I thought you were kidnapped!” Gemma sniffed your ear.

Pulling back, Cam was a bit more aggressive. “Why the hell did you leave?”

You shrugged. “Junie showed up. I – um, I accidentally drunk texted him and he came to get me. I guess he didn’t like the idea of me being at the SAE house. I crashed at his place.”

Gemma let you go to get a better look at you. “That Junie guy actually had the nerve to show up?”

“What gave him the right to decide whether or not you could be there?” Cam snapped.

“It wasn’t like that,” you mumbled. You didn’t want to have this conversation. Mostly because – despite everything else – you were a little thankful he’d come to get you. Who knows what could have happened. You didn’t get that wasted very often and the fact that you couldn’t remember chunks of last night – despite no harm coming to you – freaked you out. “I wanted to leave with him.”

Shaking her head, Gemma crossed her arms while giving you a look of pity. “Oh, (y/n)-”

“Don’t!” You snapped. You were not going to stand there and take another psycho-analyzed lecture. “I’m not going to see him again. I’m moving on with my life and that’s the end of it. So, don’t go all ‘shrink’ on me.”

Cam’s mouth dropped. “(y/n)-”

“Just leave me alone.” You pushed through your friends to your room. Throwing yourself on your bed, you clung to your pillow, wrapping around it like a child with their safety blanket.

You did exactly what you said you would do.

While you couldn’t continue to skip class altogether, you made sure to sit in the very back, closest to the door for a quick getaway. The few times a paper or a quiz needed to be handed in over the next week, you’d make acquaintances with whoever sat next to you and get them to hand it in for you with some excuse about having to leave as soon as possible. The ultimate goal was to make it seem as if you weren’t there at all. You even wore a baseball cap pulled down to cover up most of your face. That probably made you stand out more than blend in, but it kept you from staring at him, so that was a silver lining.

Moving on was easier said than done though.

Every time you turned a corner, you panicked when you saw his face. It was never actually him, just your mind playing tricks on you, superimposing his face onto whoever was headed in your direction. How could it betray you like this? You were trying to move on with your life and yet it seemed dead set on reminding you of him every chance it got.

Footsteps in the library would make you look up. At times you thought you heard his voice, making you whirl around in the middle of a busy hallway. Stupid songs on your playlist would make you think of him and you couldn’t even watch your favorite shows without wondering if Junmyeon was watching it was well.

One night, when you were particularly restless, you found yourself sneaking out of the apartment and heading for the little park. Just like that night with Junmyeon, there was no else around as you followed the concrete path to that secluded bench. You sat down, bringing your feet up and closing your eyes as you went back to that time.

You’d been so happy in that brief, fleeting moment. Still a little unsure and hesitant, but happy. Junmyeon had called you one of the most important people in his world. You’d believed it, taking in his honesty. But after that, you felt more like a convenience, something to shake up his world that maybe had become a little too boring.

The phantom feeling of his arms wrapped around you made you shrink into yourself more. If you were just a convenience, if you weren’t something more to him that a person who knew his secret, then why did he so desperately try to stop you? What was he going to tell you?

“Your my-”

You put your fists over your ears to try and block out the memory. His what? His friend? His confidant? What was so important that he had to tell you right then and there? What had you refused to listen to?

Regret was starting to way down you.

Did you do the right thing? Would you ever be able to move on? You wanted to. You wanted to so desperately, but everything reminded you of him, everything made you want to turn around and ask for him to tell you whatever it was he wanted to say, that you would listen to every word without judgement.

You felt like the lead in a rom com right after the dramatic turn in the plot. All you needed to do was wait a little while longer and he would miraculously show up, the feeling of needing to revisit this place again. After you’d jump to your feet, you’d then give some drawn out speech about you were an idiot and how you just wanted to protect your heart and how you had plans before he came along and that’s why you tried to push him away, but now you just might adjust them – not banish them completely – if that meant he would stay in your life.

Life wasn’t a movie, though. You didn’t get miraculous coincidences that –

Oh, screw it.

Pushing away your self-pity, you decided to take the chance. You ran out of the park and towards the campus. There were still cars in the parking lot, enough to indicate that evening classes were still in session. If you remembered the schedule correctly, Junmyeon didn’t have any, but there was still a chance that he could be in his office. The lights were still on in the hallway of the world studies building. You nearly slipped on the freshly mopped floor, but you figured that would just be the slight comic relief before you pressed on.

Coming up to Junmyeon’s office, your heart sped up. The light was on inside and the sound of movement was evident behind the door.

You could do this. It wasn’t that hard to turn the handle and walk inside.

The doorknob was cold when you grasped it. Slowly, you turned it before throwing the door open. “Junmyeon, I- Oh. Sorry.”

It wasn’t Junmyeon rummaging around in the office. It was a man from the cleaning crew. He hadn’t heard you enter at first, earbuds in and blaring loud enough for you to vaguely hear something resembling rap music.

Realizing that he was no longer alone, he turned around and plucked out the buds. “Yeah?”

“Sorry,” you mumbled, waving your apology before closing the door once more.

Well, at least you tried. If you couldn’t talk to him tonight, then you would just have to wait until class on Monday.

**

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.

Over and over, Junmyeon let the back of his head knock against the wall behind him. He had one elbow resting on a bent knee while the other leg was laying down flat as he sat on the floor of his bedroom. He hadn’t really moved since waking up this morning. Getting out of bed hadn’t been too bad, but after that all motivation had evaporated and he couldn’t leave the room for breakfast.

Tomorrow he’d have to face you again. Not nearly as close as you once had been, but your very presence in that classroom was just enough to drive him mad, even with you sitting all the way in the back, trying hide under a hat and hunched shoulders. Each minute that went by drained even more of his control. How much longer would he last before he snapped completely, running up those stairs in the middle of a lecture before snatching you up and hauling you away to make you listen to him?

He couldn’t do that. No matter how much he wanted to. He was lucky, though. So far, he’d only had one attack and it was last Thursday in the middle of dinner. The few wolves that had been home had rushed to his side, making him feel a little appreciated and cared for, but it’d subsided quickly and he hadn’t had one since. Kris grumbled around him a few times about the whole ordeal. His own attacks hadn’t let up, making it great cause for concern. Junmyeon didn’t want anyone worrying about him when his fellow alpha was in more danger.

Junmyeon scoffed. Fellow alpha. That was giving himself too much credit. While he was the official leader of the pack and certainly displayed the qualities of an alpha, he wasn’t on the same level as Kris. Junmyeon had been raised to be a leader of wolves, but it was in Kris’ blood. Others immediately looked to him and fell in line. When Kris left all those years ago, Junmyeon was surprised that more didn’t leave with him, just on instinct.

“Okay, you seriously need to stop.”

Baekhyun, along with Yixing, barged into the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him before standing over Junmyeon. Fists on his hips, it was a bit of a comical sight. Baekhyun just wasn’t the serious one and when he tried to be, it was hard to keep a straight face. Yixing simply carried a look of concern.

“Stop what?” Junmyeon asked as he strained to stay composed.

Rolling his eyes, Baekhyun replied, “Banging your head against the wall. We can all hear it and, honestly, it’s a little pathetic. You need to pick yourself up.”

A little offended, Junmyeon grabbed a dirty, rolled up sock and threw it at the younger wolf’s face. “Easy for you to say, your mate practically fell into your lap.”

“She is a little clumsy,” Baekhyun beamed. Letting the smile slip from his face, he sighed and sat down next to Junmyeon. “This is sad, though. I never expected you to mess up this much. Whatever happened to the smooth operator? Did you leave him behind in your college days?”

Yixing, still quiet as ever, sat down on the other side. He sported a thoughtful look, making Junmyeon wonder what was going through his head, but that was nothing new. Yixing was always hard to read.

“I didn’t care back then,” Junmyeon answered honestly as he turned back to the other wolf. “If they said no, I could always move on to the next one. I wasn’t exposing myself life this.”

Baekhyun snorted. “Yeah. You really did expose yourself to her that night in the woods, didn’t you?”

As much as he wanted to throw a punch, Junmyeon only had the energy to throw a look of annoyance in Baekhyun’s direction.

“It’ll be okay,” Baekhyun said, all joking out of his voice. There was no hint of his normal goofy grin on his face.

Junmyeon was taken back, but certainly grateful. “Thank you. I don’t know if it will be. I think I hurt her pretty badly. All because I couldn’t open my damn mouth and say what needed to be said. I should have just been honest with her along.”

“You should have,” Yixing agreed, “but your fear kept you from doing it.”

“My fear?” Junmyeon echoed. “My fear of what? Her rejecting me?”

Yixing shook his head. “No. Not that. You didn’t want to give her the option of choosing between you and her dream of archaeology. Because you’re scared of what she’ll choose. Our mates may accept us, but they don’t have to stay by our side. They don’t yearn in the same way we do. They can leave while we stay behind.”

Yixing was right, of course. He didn’t want to ask you to choose just for you go off on a dig. And then he’d be alone again, surrounded by his mated brothers living so happily while he pined for you. But it wasn’t right to make you choose him either. So, however unknowingly, he stayed quiet and kept that choice away from you. Then he wouldn’t have to face the worst possible outcome.

Well, second worst.

“I don’t want to hold her back,” Junmyeon whispered.

“It’s up to her.” Yixing smiled, “But her choice might surprise you.”

If anyone knew, it would definitely be Yixing. Junmyeon almost forgot about his previous predicament.

Baekhyun exhaled a loud huff. “Thank god Hae In just wants to be a kindergarten teacher.”

Junmyeon snorted. There was a lot for Baekhyun to be grateful for.

It wasn’t going to be easy, but Junmyeon was going to try one more time to speak with you. But first, he had another matter he needed to look into as well.

**

No. No, no, no, no. This couldn’t be happening to you!

This morning you had a plan. You were going to corner Junmyeon when class was over, after sitting right there in the front know so he knew that you wanted to talk to him. It was all supposed to be fixed one way or the other. You needed to fix it.  

But you did what you normally tasked yourself with doing in the morning before you headed off to class: you checked your email. Right there at the very top was a new message labeled from “Professor Kim”. Your heart was skipping in your chest from excitement… until you opened the email.

It was a mass message to your whole class explaining that class would be canceled today and to turn in the papers electronically instead for this one time.

Letting out a high pitched whine, you let your head fall down to your keyboard. You didn’t want to wait until Wednesday to try again. What if he also canceled that class? How the hell were you supposed to see him now?

Your brain offered you the solution of driving back up to the farmhouse. You still had the directions, but you didn’t want to drive all the out there just to discover that he wasn’t there.

Was this all your fault? Did he cancel class because of you?

You scoffed at yourself. You didn’t think you had that strong of a hold on him.

Sighing, you closed your laptop and drummed your fingers on your table. You had nearly four hours before your next class would start. There was only one thing you could think to do to calm down. You needed to go to your happy place.

Getting dressed with the minimal amount of effort, you packed up for your things for class and headed out. The bus stop was right at the corner and yet you still barely made it in time to catch your ride before it took off.

The bus was crowded with commuters since it was still early in the morning, most of them talking on the phone or with each other. You found a seat near the back, cutting out the loud buzzing chatter, and counted down the stops until you were just a block away from the museum. Thanking the driver out of politeness, you walked the rest of the way, making it just in time for the unlocking of the doors.

“You’re here especially early,” Mrs. Kang, one of the curators, teased as she let you in.

You shrugged. “I had some time to kill.”

“So many visitors this morning,” Mrs. Kang murmured to herself. “Must be something in the air.”

You frowned at her observation, but shrugged it off.

For a while, you simply wandered around the first floor, staring at the dinosaur bones and reading the little plaques you’d memorized a long time ago. Soon you found yourself in front of the newsboard. One little flyer caught your eye. It was a job for the museum. It wouldn’t open up until next spring but it intrigued you and there was promise of a possible trip to an excavation site.

“(y/n)?”

You gasped, turning towards the voice. You nearly cried right then and there.

Junmyeon was standing just a few feet away. Like a miracle.

Out of instinct, you glanced around frantically before asking, “W-what are you doing here?”

He smiled at you. How could he be smiling at you right now? “I needed to spend some time with the artifacts. I had to research something.”

“And did you find what you were looking for you?” you asked.

Junmyeon shook his head. “No, unfortunately not.” He tilted his head, staring at you. “What are you doing here?”

“You canceled class,” you mumbled. “I didn’t know what else to do, so I came here.” Playing with your fingers, you fidgeted back and forth on the balls of your feet. “Can I talk to you?”

He chuckled. “You can always talk to me, (y/n).”

The cheesy line made you smile. “I appreciate that. But I mean… about something important.”

“Of course.” After glancing at the front, Junmyeon motioned towards the back door with his head. “Let’s go back to the room.”

You nodded and followed him, your system going crazy with anticipation. This morning when you woke up, all you wanted was to talk to him. Now that opportunity was in front of you, you were scared as hell.

Oh, well. Here goes nothing.