Standing just off to the side of the gate exit, you waited with nervous anticipation. Huan’s flight had just landed about ten minutes ago and now you were searching the crowd of people spilling out of the mouth of the exit that lead back to the other half of the airport where the planes deposited their cargo. The feeling that was churning in your stomach wasn’t one of excitement or happiness. You couldn’t quite pin down what emotions it was made of and that was creating a small twinge of fear alongside it.

If relief was the next emotion you were hoping to feel as soon as you saw Huan’s face, you were sadly disappointed. While your fiancé’s grin was bright, if a little tired from the flight, your own smile was small and forced. As you could feel the uncertainty behind it, you were sure Huan could tell that something was wrong. When he hugged you, you put in just enough effort to return it, but nothing more.  

“Bad week?” Huan asked as the two of you walked towards the parking garage.

You shrugged. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“I’m sorry.” The little chuckle that was attached to the sympathetic apology rubbed you the wrong way. Huan wasn’t supposed to laugh at your sour mood. He was supposed to make it better or at least be sympathetic. “Listen, I’m here now, so we can just enjoy the rest of the evening, okay? I’ll even drive.”

Normally, you would have argued with Huan, saying he would be tired from his flight and you were perfectly capable of driving home. But this time, you let him take the keys, popping the trunk once you reached your car to put the suitcase away, and slide into the driver’s seat while you took the other side.

You didn’t hold his hand like you used to when Huan drove. From the way he was whistling and humming along with the radio, it didn’t seem like he’d really noticed anyway. In your mind, another pair of hands were mocking you, making you wish that it was him behind the wheel instead. Those long, labor-hardened fingers were somehow more appealing than the soft, perfectly groomed and well-kept hands that were currently operating the vehicle.

It was quiet between the two of you as you followed Huan up the steps to your home. He immediately went to drop the suitcase off in your bedroom as you went to the fridge.

“Don’t worry about dinner,” Huan insisted. “I’ll just make something for myself real quick. You’ve had a long day at school.”

Nodding, you sat down at the table and opened up your laptop while he threw a sandwich together on a plate, filling the other half with chips before sitting down across from you.

The whole time he was eating, you sat there in silence, staring at your computer screen.

On Sunday, to try and get your mind back on the right track, you brought up the wedding website you’d made last year soon after Huan proposed. It’d been left untouched since then. You’d wanted to give yourself until the end of your last undergrad semester to start working on wedding planning so you could give it more of your attention. But then Huan got his new job and between the move and Huan’s lack of interest whenever you brought up it up, you’d just let it sit and collect imaginary dust.

Yesterday, though, you gave in and started making “save the dates” with the few engagement pictures you’d managed to have taken before life became too hectic. Considering you weren’t the most artistic person, they were simple, a picture of you and Huan smiling at each other, your names written in fancy script with the date of the wedding left blank.

“Hey, Huan?” You finally got the nerve to speak up just as he stood up from the table was headed for the sink with his empty plate.

“Yeah?” He stopped right next you and you shifted the computer so he could see the screen.

“What do you think about these?” you asked.

Huan stared at the screen for a minute or two, eyebrows knitted together as if he were solving a math problem rather than looking at simple wedding invites.

“They’re pretty,” he finally commented. “What are they?”

You bit back the snappy answer you wanted to give. “They’re save-the-dates. I figured now that we’re settled in, we could start back up on the wedding planning?”

“Aw, honey, I’m sorry,” Huan sighed. “Things are really picking up at work so I might be going out of town more frequently. How about we start talking about dates and venues closer to Christmas?”

The fact that you weren’t entirely surprised didn’t even phase you. Plastering on a very fake smile, you said, “Okay. That’s fine. I mostly did this out of boredom. I needed a distraction from my paper. I’m glad you like them, though.”

Huan just hummed, kissing you on the top of the head before disappearing back into the bedroom. You heard the TV flip on as you sat back in your chair. The happy and in love picture of the two of you now just seemed to be mockery now.

A little harder than you meant to, you slammed your laptop shut. Poor thing didn’t deserve your wrath, but the real person you wanted to punch wasn’t in the vicinity.

This was all Kris’ fault. If he would just keep his distance, if he would stop filling your head with the possibilities of him, then you wouldn’t be overthinking every little thing that Huan did.

Glancing over at the bedroom to make sure Huan wouldn’t sneak up on you, you slowly opened your laptop back up. Hidden in a zipped folder on your desk top, you pulled up the second version of the invites that you had made. Just staring at them, you were smiling.

Your mother had been so ecstatic when you called her. Sunday afternoon phone calls were nothing new between you two, but her voice raised in pitch and you could hear her rummaging around in the background once you told her that you’d ran into Kris and had been getting to know him again. She wanted to know everything that you’d learned about Kris since he’d moved away and if you could invite him to come with you when you came to visit next. It was like Huan didn’t exist for her anymore.

Granted, your mother didn’t like the fact that Huan had kept putting off the wedding. She was a planner and you were her only daughter. She wanted the joy of helping you put everything together and, of course, she wanted you to be happy.

When she’d first asked you about how things were going and listened to you talk, she could tell right away that something was wrong no matter how many times you told her you were fine.

“You just don’t sound as happy as you used to, sweetheart,” your mother insisted. “Maybe moving there wasn’t the best idea after all.”

You couldn’t bring yourself to agree with her nor could you really argue. By conclusion, you decided to change the subject by mentioning Kris, sending your mother on her frantic search for whatever she was looking for as she went on and on about how handsome Kris must look now and how he’d must have grown up into such a perfect gentleman. You hated how much you agreed with her.

An hour or so after you hung up with your mother, a text came from her telling you to open your email. Somehow, she’d managed to track down nearly every picture taken during your five year friendship with Kris before he upped and disappeared.

So many of them depicted the two of you laughing and playing in the yard or at the playground. One that made you laugh particularly hard was at his eighth birthday. You’d managed to shove his whole face into the cake, covering him in blue and white frosting. Kris was scowling at the camera while you beamed a toothy grin, very proud of what you’d accomplished.

It was payback for your seventh birthday where Kris has “dyed” your hair purple from your own cake’s frosting. There had been no permanent discoloration of your hair, but your mother did have to scrub at your scalp to get all the frosting out. It was only fair that Kris received the same treatment.

With these newly found memories breaking through to the surface, you found you couldn’t help yourself when you uploaded your favorite photos to the wedding website. For a while, you just played around with the pictures, messing with the filters and cute little cut outs. Most of them, you deleted as soon as you were done, but there was one you just couldn’t bring yourself to get rid of.

It was a simple picture, you and Kris were grinning at the camera, each of you with an arm around the other’s shoulders and heads leaning against each other. The picture was so simple, so innocent. White, cursive words danced across the top of announcing the make believe wedding between you and Kris. Staring at that simple little announcement felt so right.

Shaking your head, you closed your laptop one more time before shuffling over to the couch in the living room to turn on the TV. It should bother you that you weren’t in the same room with Huan watching a show together after he’d been gone a week.

But it didn’t.

Now, who was to blame for that?

**

“Why is that men are the ones who propose, but when the time comes, they don’t actually want to get married?”

You hadn’t meant to start venting to Jiyeon. The conversation had started out fairly average and normal. You’d sat down across from her in the student center with your tray of food and asked her how her day had been. Once she was done, she’d simply returned the courtesy, taking it a bit farther and asking how last night went with picking up Huan. Then your rant started.

Jiyeon blinked a few times, the corners of turned down deep. “He just… dismissed your hard work like that?”

“Yeah,” you huffed. Alright, it didn’t take you that long to make the stupid save-the-dates, but you’d still put a lot of effort into them.

“I would kill Minseok if he ever did that to me,” Jiyeon grumbled. Softening a bit, she gave you a look of pity. “Have you tried talking to him about maybe why he seems to be getting cold feet?”

You lifted and dropped your shoulders lazily. “Kind of. Every time I bring it up, he has an excuse ready: work. And I can’t argue with that because most of the time, he’s working pretty much ten hour days and even bringing some of it home with him.”

With her right index finger, Jiyeon tapped on the table thoughtfully. “Are you upset because he keeps putting off the wedding? Or is it something else?”

“What do you mean?” you asked cautiously. Her second question made you nervous, though you couldn’t explain why.

“Well,” Jiyeon shrugged, “for a while, it’s been kind of sounding like the spark that once held you two together might be gone now. You sound like your pushing the wedding because of the fact that the two of you are still engaged rather than because you want to spend the rest of your life with Huan.”

“But I love him,” you insisted. And that part was still true. You did.

“There’s a lot of different forms of love,” she reminded you. “It’s highly possible to still love him but not be in love with him. The kind that would make you want to be with him when you’re old and gray.”

You opened your mouth to argue, but the words never formed. Just a few months ago, you would have been able to sit in that seat and describe your life with Huan for the next forty years in detail. Everything from your first house to your kids’ first day of school to rocking on the porch in your old age. But now, as you tried to reform those pictures in your head, nothing would materialize. That future had somehow disappeared.

“Is there-“Jiyeon took a deep breath, readying herself for whatever question she was about to let loose. “Is there any chance that maybe you might have feelings for someone else?”

“W-what are you talking about?” Your heart jumped into your throat from beating so fast. Every hair on your arm and the back of your neck was sticking up.

Jiyeon gave you a sympathetic smile. “Its okay, (y/n). If you do, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It happens more than you’d think. Just because you said yes last year doesn’t mean you can’t turn around and say no. It’s possible to fall in love with somebody else.”

“But you can’t just dump the current person because someone else catches your eye or says something nice to you,” you argued. “When does it stop?”

Jiyeon shook her head. “There’s a difference between always keeping an eye out for something better to come along and naturally falling for that new person who landed in your life.”

Throwing your hands up in the air, you gave up. Because she was right. You never looked for someone to come snatch you away from Huan. But something happened in that garage that day you found Kris again. Maybe… maybe it was something that you couldn’t quite explain.

Your conversation with Jiyeon was still reeling in your mind all the way until you were getting ready for bed. Huan had worked late again, leaving you alone for the evening. The two of you had a vague conversation when he came home about each of your days and the coming week, but not much else.

As you shuffled under the covers, Huan had told you that he was getting off early the next day and that the two of you should grab dinner out together. You mumbled a reply agreeing to the date. When you were laying down, back facing Huan and eyes closed, you felt a hand rest on your exposed elbow.

Huan started to kiss your neck, his hand sliding down your arm until it rested on your waist. It didn’t take a genius to understand what he was getting at.

You shoved your face deeper into the pillow, groaning. “Not tonight.”

He sighed. “Okay.” Kissing your cheek, he shuffled back to his side of the bed. “I love you.”

“Hm. Love you, too.”

**

All day at school, you felt a little guilty. Not because of last night, but because of how you didn’t want to go to dinner tonight. You were fairly certain on what you needed to do. You just dreaded having the actual conversation.

Huan picked you up after class, as chipper and clueless as ever. He’d insisted on driving you to the university this morning even though it wasn’t exactly on his way to the office. You didn’t fight it much, but it irritated you.

That time in the morning on your way to school was your alone time, where you could be with your thoughts. Sometimes that meant just letting it wander or maybe calming yourself down before a big presentation or even trying to figure out your own life while your favorite music provided background noise. And this morning was definitely one where you needed to get your mind straight. But with Huan driving, that wasn’t going to happen.

Huan liked to listen to talk radio. In your car, he kept it on the music stations, but in his it was strictly talk radio. That never really bothered you before. However this drive was different. Huan talked over the DJ, chatting about work while you barely managed to hum in response. It was like a haven when he dropped you off near the courtyard. Right where Kris had been waiting for you barely a week ago.

You mumbled a goodbye before nearly jumping out of the car.

“Hey, (y/n)!”

Shifting your facial muscles to make it give a half-hearted smile, you ducked back down to look at Huan through the still open car door. “Yeah?”

“I love you,” he said.

Those three little words. How could they no longer have the same feeling behind them that they once held?

Nodding, you replied. “Me, too.”

For the rest of the day, you couldn’t calm your limbs that were constantly fidgeting or bouncing in every attempt to get rid of the pent up nervous energy. You knew your heart wasn’t in it anymore, but that didn’t mean you wanted to break Huan’s.

You were still quiet on the way to the restaurant, staring out the window. If Huan noticed your lack of enthusiasm, he didn’t comment on it.

This time around, it wasn’t a fancy, five-star restaurant that Huan parked out in front of. It was just a typical family chain restaurant with generic food that was parading around as something more.

The two of you made it all the way to desert with no big issues, mostly because you let Huan talk. You just needed the right time to say it and you felt like that time had finally come. Now you just needed your bravery to stay with you.

“Huan, I have something to say-”

“Wait.”

He took your hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the back of your knuckles. You bit down on your bottom lip, remembering when that gesture used to give you butterflies. Now? Nothing.

“(y/n),” he sighed, “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said on Monday and I’ve realized that I’ve been… not exactly enthusiastic about the wedding planning. I’ve just been thinking so much about the long run – about after we say I do – that I hadn’t realized how much that event could mean to you.”

For the first time in a while, you felt something for Huan. It wasn’t the intensity that you used to feel, but you felt warm, you felt lighter at the sense that he actually cared. Maybe you just needed reassurance and you had jumped the gun a little bit.

Huan fished around in his jacket pocket until he pulled out a little black velvet box. “Here. This is for you.”

With tentative fingers, you took the box and lifted the lid.

It was an engagement ring. Bigger and flashier than the one that currently donned your left index finger. It was something that you would never have picked out in a million years, but you could let that go as it was meant to symbolize more.

“So, does this mean we can start planning?” you asked hopefully. “Because I have a list of venues that would be perfect and I know a photographer and-”

Huan actually looked taken back. “Oh, uh, no. I’m sorry, (y/n). I just wanted to get you the ring that you deserved. My higher ups have said that I’ll be going on more trips in the coming months so I won’t be around much to help.”

“My mother can help me,” you argued softly, keeping your eyes down on the table. How could you actually let yourself cling to a small sliver of hope when you’d already made up your mind? It just made this crash hurt even more.

“It’s just a few more months,” Huan insisted. “Just wait until after Christmas.”

“Now it’s after Christmas?” You shook your head as you stood up from the table. “I need some air.”

“(y/n), wait!”

You didn’t even slow down as you power walked to the front entrance, shuffling past the patrons that were waiting to be seated. Huan didn’t come after you and for that you were relieved. You didn’t know what to do or say at this moment. You were at your breaking point.

How could he say closer to Christmas one day and then after the next? How long would he continue to push out the date?

You’d walked several blocks before you decided to rest, leaning on your forearms up against a wooden railing that separated the risen walk way you were on from the other shops down below. Closing your eyes, you took deep breathes. You couldn’t go on like this. You were being torn in two and it was absolute torture.

“(y/n)?”

You stiffened. How the hell did he find you?

Straightening up, you turned to face him. Kris came running up the steps to you, concern painted all over his face. Behind him was the group that he was with. To your surprise – and horror – Minseok and Jiyeon were among the small crowd Kris had broken away from. Was there anyone in this town that he didn’t know?

“Are you okay?” Kris asked, a little winded from his jog up the wooden stairs.

“I’m fine,” you grumbled with a set jaw. “Are you following me now?”

Kris scoffed. “No. I just happened to be out with my friends. Is that a crime?”

Folding your arms, you mumbled, “No. I guess not.”

“Hey,” he gently lifted your chin for you to look at him. “What’s going on?”

You turned away from him, trying to collect the words you wanted to form.

“Why?” ended up being your reply.

Kris frowned, confused. “What?”

“Why are you always around?” you demanded. Not exactly the real question that you wanted to ask, but it was close. “Why do you keep popping out of nowhere?”

“Listen, tonight was just a coincidence,” Kris insisted. “Trust me, this time I did not intentionally seek you out.”

Okay. Fine. That made one time. “But every other time, you have. Why? Why does it feel like you want something more?”

Instead of answering right away, Kris took your hand and placed it against his chest. Even through his shirt you could feel his heart thumping against his rib cage. It was beating erratically- exactly how yours did when you were near him.

“This is how I feel every time that you’re around me,” he confessed. “It’s been that way since I first saw you again in my shop. And when I’m away from you, I can’t function. All I want to do is see you again. You’ve grown into this amazing person, (y/n). And I just want to be with you.”

Taking your hand back, you shook your head. You hated how you were unable to verbalize anything that was currently racing through your head.

“Please,” Kris begged. “Give me a chance.”

This wasn’t what you expected at all. Yes, you’d concluded that you just couldn’t be with Huan anymore, but you hadn’t thought about the next step. And Kris was already five ahead of you. You were still shaking your head, more violently this time. “Huan-”

“You said it yourself that you’re in love with me.”

Your eyes grew wide. “W-what are you talking about?”

Kris smirked. “That night I came to pick you from the bar? You told me yourself. You complained about me leaving as a kid and that at first it was just a silly crush, but now that you’re in love with me. It’s the same with me.”

“I didn’t mean it.” Yes, you did. Every word.

“You’re a terrible liar.” Kris wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you in closer to him with a firm yank until your chest was up against his. Kris’s voice was barely above a whisper when he said, “I know you feel this, too.”

Squeezing your eyes shut, you just gave in. It was too strong to fight it and this embrace that was holding you together felt so right, so safe… so perfect. You whispered, “Why can’t I get you out of my head?”

With a calloused hand, Kris cupped your cheek, caressing your skin and making you open your eyes again. He was staring at you with such an intensity that you shrank back a little. Never had you been looked at that way. His wild, earthy eyes were trained on you, reflecting everything that that was bubbling up inside you and promising a future that would always feel like this.

“Fate’s cruel that way,” Kris replied under his breath.

Before you could ask what he meant by that, he leaned in, closing the minute distance left between you.