You tried to go on as normal; attending class, completing your homework, going about your day like you weren’t suffocating. Only in your quietest moments did you think about Kris. It was selfish, you knew this, but when she left in the morning Ji Yeon had insisted that you had time to figure things about before Kris was at risk. And you still didn’t know what to do.

Back and forth you went, trying to figure out if your feelings were ever real or just brought on by this bond you never asked for, never had a choice in being a part of. Memories of Kris would dance across your mind – memories that made your heart flutter and shatter at the same time - making the conflict in you grow even more.

Right now, you were physically in the grocery store, holding onto a can a soup. Mentally, you were back on the hood of that car, staring at Kris while he was busy looking at the stars.

You remembered thinking how beautiful he looked in that moment. How it seemed impossible for his skin to be glowing like that in the starlight and how at peace he seemed just lying there. In that moment, you’d thought about how, ever since you saw Kris again, you’d felt that he’d had a wall built up between you. It made sense, considering the years that you had spent apart and grown into different people. Perhaps he hadn’t been as ready as he seemed to jump back into the vulnerable, fully-exposed friendship the two of you had once shared.

Now, you knew it was because he was guarding a secret from you. Something he never thought to tell you, not even as kids. Admittedly, it had that he didn’t trust you enough even back then to tell you the truth. If he had – if he’d just confided in you all those years ago – would you still feel like this?

“(y/n)?”

At the sound of your name, you jumped, dropping the can of soup. Your imagination had made the voice seem like it was coming from Kris, but as the can rolled across the tiled floor, it was at your former fiancé’s feet that it landed.

Huan picked up the can and offered it out for you.

“Thank you,” you mumbled before putting it in your cart. You didn’t really want the soup, but it would have felt awkward to simply put it back on the shelf after he’d been so kind to pick it up for you.

“How are you?’ he asked, most likely out of politeness. You hadn’t seen him, even accidentally, since that evening when he gave you the key. The tension in air was apparent and you wanted to just run away. But you were planted in that spot, unable to escape.

You shrugged. “I’m doing fine. How… how have you been?”

He gave you a crooked, bittersweet smile. “Better than I would have thought. How’s Kris?”

“Oh, um,” you chewed on your bottom lip. “He’s… okay, I guess. I haven’t seen him for a while.”

“Why?” Huan’s blunt question took you back by surprise.

You blinked. “Excuse me?”

Huan shook his head with a huff. “You don’t have to spare my feelings, (y/n), if that’s why you’re keeping your distance from him. I understand. I left because I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness.”

“I’m not sparing your feelings,” you insisted. “I just… I don’t see why you would assume I would be with Kris now.”

“Don’t act like that, (y/n). I know the two of you could be really happy. If you let yourself.” The fact that he sounded sincere caught you off guard. You still thought that he should hate you, curse you, and wish you nothing but misery. But maybe that was because of what you now knew.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Yes, maybe if you kept denying what he was getting at, you could continue to ignore this weight on your heart.

“Yes, you do,” he scoffed.

You shook your head. “Huan-”

“I’m glad it’s him,” he interrupted. Before you could ask what he meant, he went on, “I think you’ve always been a little in love with him. At the beginning of our relationship, you talked about him. A lot.”

“I-I did?” You wracked your brain, trying think back to those times in undergrad. Did you really talk about Kris? That much? You could have sworn you’d left that part of your life behind, closed the door and walked away to find another one to walk through.

“Yeah,” Huan let out a little chuckle. “I remember getting jealous, until I finally learned that you hadn’t seen him years. Eventually, you stopped talking about him. I thought I was in the clear. Then he popped up again. I think - deep, deep down - I think I somehow knew that I was doomed then.”

Your gaze drifted down to the bottom shelves. “Huan, look-”

“Don’t you dare apologize,” he scolded, startling you. “Just be happy, (y/n). That’s all I ask of you, okay?”

All you could reply with was a silent nod before watching him walk away with his half-filled basket on his arm.

Huan’s words haunted you for the next few days. His recall of you talking about Kris even back in the early days of your relationship just threw a whole new wrench into your confusing and chaotic toolbox. Was that proof that maybe your feelings for Kris weren’t entirely manufactured? But he’d said that he’d always been a wolf. So, that meant that you’d always been bonded to him, right?

Ji Yeon found you in the library, staring blankly at your laptop with your fingers on your temples. They were all that was helping keep your head up as you tried to concentrate on your paper. It didn’t work, but at least you could fake it and say you tried.  

“You alright?” she asked as she sat down across from you.

Shutting your computer, you nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just… haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

From the way she glanced at you before turning her focus to the notebook she pulled out of her bag, you knew what she was thinking: that you weren’t sleeping because of Kris. And she was absolutely right.

The bed felt cold and empty. You ached for a pair of arms to wrap you up and hold you close. How many times had you burst into tears, each drop evidence of what you concluded was the truth, but refused to acknowledge it?

“Have you been thinking…,” Ji Yeon clicked her tongue a few times, “about… you know….”

You nodded. “Occasionally.”

“Have you talked to Kris at all?” she trudged on.

This time, you shook your head. Every time you picked up your phone to possibly call or text to meet up with him you let the phone fall from your fingers. You were never able to go through it, something always holding you back. Fear being the most likely candidate.  

“I think you should,” she encouraged. “He’s… a mess right now. I think you should go see him.”

“A mess?” you echoed, your voice coming out barely more than a whisper. You didn’t want to imagine it, but your brain painted the picture of how Kris must be right now. It was breaking your heart and you just wanted it to stop. “I thought you said I had time to think about this?”

Ji Yeon stared at you with a look that made you feel like the evil villain in a drama. “That doesn’t mean his heart isn’t hurting, (y/n). He loves you. Really loves you. He can’t just shut that off like you seem to be doing.”

“I’m not shutting it off!” you shouted. That captured the attention of several surrounding students, but after receiving the death glare, they went back to minding their own business. Lowering your voice, you argued, “I’m not off in a field of daisies twirling in a sundress and wearing a flower crown. People have different ways of dealing with things.”

“And yours is to ignore it,” Ji Yeon bit.

You shook your head, more to fend off the growing feeling of tears rather than to wave away her comment. “I haven’t been ignoring it. I do think about it. I’m just… still so confused.”

“Talking to Kris,” Ji Yeon said in a tone that was more of what you were used to from her, “is what will help. Let him really explain the situation and really listen to him. I think you’ll have a clearer idea of what to do.”

“Fine,” you sighed, giving in because you knew she was right and because you knew she’d keep asking you until you did. “I’ll- I’ll talk to him. I guess I’ve done enough thinking on my own.”

Ji Yeon reached across the table and patted your hand. “I think it’ll be good for you. For both of you. Talking is the only way to solve problems.”

Blowing air out your lips, you mocked, “Are you sure you’re a marketing major? Because to me, you seem to jump back and forth between philosophy and family and marriage counseling.”

She shrugged with feigned self-importance. “What can I say? It’s a lot of work to be this wise.”

You rolled your eyes. “Why did I become friends with you in the first place?”

That made Ji Yeon smile broadly, a twinkle shining in her eye. “It was fate.”

**

Your hands were glued to the steering wheel. It seemed no matter how many signals your brain sent to the ligaments in your fingers, they wouldn’t let go. How could simply getting out of the car and walking up to the garage be such a hard action to accomplish?

One by one, the muscles finally relaxed and you finished step two of your little process.

Step three: open your door? Check.

Step four: undo seat belt and step out of the vehicle. Check.

Step five: walk up to the garage and ask for Kris. Incomplete.

If you kept standing there, leaning against your car like a crazy loiterer, they were bound to call the cops and that would just be embarrassing.

Come on. Just one step. It’s not that hard.

Turned out, you didn’t have to move. Brian came out of the garage, wiping his hands on a greased up cloth as he approached you, recognizing you immediately.

“Kris or car?” he chuckled at you. One time. One time you came asking for Kris and now the kid thinks he’s funny.

“Kris,” you replied in a monotone voice.

“He’s not here,” Brian said a little more sympathetically.

Nodding more to yourself, you thanked the poor mechanic and hopped back in the car, driving off.

For two more days, you tried to catch Kris at the garage to talk to him, but both times it was confirmed for you that he wasn’t in. Brian took pity on you the third day and gave you a little more information.

“He’s been staying home. Said he’s been sick and doesn’t know when he’ll be back.”

“Sick?” You doubted that it was the flu or something he could easily get over. But Brian couldn’t mean-

“Yeah, he actually sounded really bad on the phone,” Brian went on, not paying attention to the way your face fell into a panic. “Whatever he has, it sounded like he was dying, poor guy. I’m sure he’ll-”

You didn’t wait around for Brian to finish his outspoken thought.

Speeding down the street, you thanked your past self for paying so close attention to what was outside the window when Kris took you home. It took a little bit of straining to remember the roads backwards from that morning, but once you found that back road that led out of town, you knew you were on your way to him.

Ji Yeon had sworn that it would be a while before anything started happening to Kris. And yet, Brian said that Kris sounded like he was dying. He couldn’t leave you. Not like this.

Why did you have to be so selfish? Why did you have to be so stupid? Whether what you felt for Kris was real or not, you knew it was what drove you to him now, desperate to get to him as quickly as possible.

The trees thickened the further you went, telling you that you were on the right track. After an estimated amount of time, you forced yourself to slow down so you wouldn’t miss the hidden road. When it came into view with a break among the trees, you turned sharply, sending rocks and dirt into the air.

It was another five or ten minutes before you saw the farmhouse come into view through your windshield. Unsure if you were allowed to park in the grassy field in front of the porch, you stopped where the road ended and turned off the engine.

With hesitant steps, you made your way to the picturesque porch where the ominous door was waiting for you. Reaching the steps, your legs began to shake. A sense of nervousness began to bubble in your stomach. What if he gave you the same treatment that you’d dealt out last time? What if he yelled at you, screamed for you to leave? That he’d rather die than even look at you? What if you were too late?

Before your knuckles could make contact with the white wooden door, it swung open to reveal a very familiar bartender sporting a wide grin that made you want to turn and run.

“Hi, (y/n)!” he greeted with more cheer than you’d been expecting. You cringed at the fact that he very much remembered you. If only you could remember everything you’d said to him that night. “Come on in.”

A little weirded out by this friendly welcoming, you cautiously stepped through the front parlor and into the living room, feeling a bit like Carrie when the inevitable bucket of pig’s blood was about to be dropped on her.

“Kris isn’t here right now,” Luhan told you as he closed the door. “He went out for a run about an hour ago, but should be back soon. He’s never gone too long when he runs alone. Go ahead and sit down.”

A run? Kris had never been the exercising type, why would he- Oh. Oh. He meant the four-legged kind, didn’t he?

Flickering your eyes back and forth from the couch and Luhan, you hesitated at the invitation. The idea that this might be some sort of trap popped into your mind for just a second before you waved it away. He was nice to you at the bar, there wasn’t really any reason not to accept his kindness as genuine now.

As soon as you sat down another blonde haired boy emerged from the hallway, munching on an apple as he leaned against the wall and stared at you menacingly.

Luhan noticed you visibly shrink back under the newcomer’s glare and glanced over his shoulder. With huff, he shook his head and introduced you. “(y/n), this is Tao. Tao, this (y/n). Be nice.”

Tao swallowed the mouthful of fruit and scoffed. “Be nice? After what she did to Kris? She doesn’t deserve for me to be nice!”

You flinched at his harsh tone, knowing that you had certainly earned it.

“But she’s here now,” Luhan argued. “That means something.”

“Probably to torture him some more.” Tao tossed the apple in a trash can by the couch, his upper lip curling as his eyes stayed on you. “What did he ever do to you to make you treat him like this, huh? You don’t deserve him. He should have gotten a better mate.”

An ugly growl erupted out of Luhan. “Tao!”

But he was right. Kris did deserve better. He deserved someone who trusted him through everything and didn’t run at the first sign of trouble. He deserved someone more like Ji Yeon. Not her exactly, since she was already with Minseok, but someone like her. The opposite of you.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered as you jumped to your feet and ran out of the living room.

“(y/n), wait!” Luhan tried to catch up to you, but you were already through the parlor and onto the porch, where you skidded to a stop.

Standing at the bottom of the steps was Kris. He stared up at you in disbelief, blinking a few times as if that would make your imagine disappear.

“(y/n).”

A single tear fell down your cheek as you kept staring at the one person you came here to see, except now… you wanted to hide. You wanted to run. Did he hate you like Tao so obviously did?

In a moment you would learn the answer as Kris placed a foot on the bottom step, closing the space between you.